A Whole Week out of the hospital...

I have been out riding my bike a few times and the Christmas spirit is definitely in my neighborhood as I had to take a photo of those home that me and Blue Belle passed on my gorgeous bike ride. I sure felt great when I returned; nothing like some good old exercise. The neighborhoods around my house making evening walks with my honey so incredibly relaxing and romantic.

I'm not going to lie but the first part of this week has been kind of depressing. I didn't quite understand how these contraptions on me were going to work (picc line with fluids, gastric tube and having to decompress) or how they would keep me out of the ER. That's what the doctors are hoping at this point; they want to keep me as comfortable as possible so that my quality of life isn't sacrificed for extreme pain. the type of pain that I suffer from would be cruel and unusual to have to live with and the most humane thing to do at this point is to make sure that I am comfortable.

We have such a nice nurse who comes about 3-4 times a week to help change dressings, tubes, flush lines, draw blood when needed and just help my honey out when needed. I also address any problems I have with her and she usually contacts my doctor right away; like this thing I had with the shakes and then now I have this painful burning and itching on the palms of my hands and bottoms of my feet. It hurts like hell to wash my hands in very hot water. If you look closely; you can kind of see some tiny blisters but boy does it itch. I have been taking Benedryl in order to stop the itching.

It seems I have been such high maintenance for my honey that I actually felt that I wasn't worth him having to take care of me each and every day. It has been completely stressful for him too and lots of tears have been shed this week by both of us. He hates to see me cry and the most I try not to cry in front of him; the more that I cry. It sucks and it's frustrating. I don't know if it's because of Christmas (we don't have a lot of money to shop). I just want to be alive and to be healthy and he wants the same. That's all we want for Christmas; health and life and each other. Is that too much to ask for?

My honey told me that we could get a tree and decorate it but I have been really hesitate about doing so because we only have a few more days until Christmas. Why can't we just decorate the cat tree in the window and our front porch with lights and be done? We wouldn't have to throw away the nice little tree and Tonto wouldn't be so destructive as he was a little over 2 years ago.

We didn't have a tree last year (we got to enjoy a fresh nice new storm) and this might very well be my last Christmas ever; I would be happy just decorating our home for the event and doing it cheaply since our money situation is going down. We need to save and I have to apply for Social Security Disability; something I have never done before. I have always been one to work my ass off for everything I have ever owned. I feel guilty that I can not yet return to work as I had planned. I have been off work for like ever and it's time that I return but I'm not ready yet?

I have this stomach tube that sometimes I have to hook a bag too in order to get rid of pain and my lunch sometimes. It's so weird and freaky to be puking out of a tube in my stomach. I bet it would freak everyone out and how skinny I am; barely 100lbs. I am weak and my concentration is a bit off since I am so darned scared of death. I wonder if others would feel that same as me if they were in my situation or am I just a weak person? That can not be sexy for my honey but somehow he is still attracted to me. He still gets hit on and is still convinced that I am the only woman for him. I can't help but feel he can do much better and hate that he has to help me live. I don't want to say help me die because in all reality the doctors are more and more showing me that's what we are doing here. I'm enjoying each and every day that I am given and who knows; I could stumble upon the cure for cancer and will certainly keep looking for it. I have to keep on living for my honey.

Well I decorated Tonto's tree instead of buying us a tree; I felt let's just be creative and Tonto loves it. He feels so special that his home lights up so pretty and in turn it makes him feel pretty with all the lights flashing off of him. People walk by and they see that brightly lit kitty and they have to stop and check him out. Tomorrow I plan to get some more lights for the front patio and more for his kitty tree. We don't need a tree; we have a Rosemary tree a friend of mine gave me while in the hospital and another tiny tree my neighbor gave me.

No need to pay $30 for a tree that we will like throw away in less than a week. I would love to be able to bake a turkey and ham and the whole works we missed out on Thanksgiving; pumpkin pie and everything, Rutabagas and so much more. May I not be in the hospital anytime soon! I did get to order some gifts for my honey and have sent out most of the Christmas DVDs; just a few more to send out and I'm done!

My pain level has gotten somewhat under control. On Tuesday; I started having this this horrible shaking in my hands; similar to what I was experiencing in the ER where I couldn't control my body. It was so frustrating and it scared my honey to death. It was a side effect of the liquid Dilaudid that I am currently on. I have to take more Ativan to counter act these spams. For now; my doctor wants to control my pain and just give me comfort and quality of life. It doesn't make sense for me to suffer in pain. Well here's to all of us getting our Christmas wishes to come true. Peace & Love to all of you!

Almost Broke my Record = 2 months no ER....

While my husband and I celebrated 7 years of the ultimate test of love; being diagnosed with this disease. Suddenly life becomes more important than all the mundane things like worrying about money, bills and so many other things that we don't much have control over. Worrying can be a waste of time when you don't have much. We made it through 7 years loving each other more and more and each and every day. We appreciate each other like nothing else and we never take each other for granted.

I'm so grateful for every day that I wake up next to him and hope to awake the same way for many years to come. Just the sound of his voice and being the good man that he is in taking care of me just makes me feel so warm and cozy inside. We watched an awesome movie on DVD Sunday night and we just had a wonderful laugh (where you look into each other eyes smiling and appreciating each other in the moment).

I have come to love Seth Rogan as an actor and writer. I read about so many who do not like him or just can't stand him but I totally disagree. I have grown to love him, he is one of my favorite actors; many say he has no talent; Hello? He was so hilarious in the "40 Year Old Virgin" and in "Knocked Up". He has this great voice too he reminds me so much of a few friends that I have had who always made me laugh my ass off no matter what. You gotta love those people in your life! He too is left handed just like me (and my honey) and I see his creativity. I didn't like a few of his films ("Pineapple Express" and "Zack and Miri make a Porno" = was way to depressing or horrid) but many of his movies have caused so much laughter in my hard times of going through this horrid thing called cancer. My honey and I have watched quite a few in the hospital and at home while taking care of me.

Well the one we watched was one of his new films "Observe and Report" on Sunday night. Most would be highly offended by this movie but I wasn't in the least and saw it for the comedy and sense of humor it brought me! My honey and I both have the same exact sense of humor and that's one thing that makes him my other half. We laughed so hard together on Sunday and it really made me feel stronger, happy, in such a great mood and to be quite honest, I have not been feeling so strong lately. This last chemo treatment almost made me feel as if I was going to die and I don't like that feeling at all. I like laughing and then having hope that I can beat this! I'm seriously thinking that I don't need the chemo and that I'm going to get stronger with my diet. Hell, maybe even contact some real Cancer doctors who have cured cancer. I will document all of this here.

The Clearity Foundation did in fact test my tumors and I plan to talk with my doctor about all of this and to see what matches my cancer and if anything can be done. I'm currently reading about (Suzanne Summers "Knock Out") patients with Stage IV cancers that are beating it and why can't I? Why do I have to take these poisons and my doctors give up on me? I'm not giving up; I'm too hard headed. Granted I have lost quite a bit of weight and I'm struggling to put it back on. I hate having to take medications for pain; so I had been tapering on the medications.

On Tuesday, I was feeling a little better despite all of the puking that I was doing (I feel more pukey? = is that even a word?) so we decided to go to a movie together!) My honey and I needed to get out and see a movie with our little girl. I've been smoking freshly rolled joints more so lately since this has been the only way to successfully combat the extreme nausea, getting me to gain weight and to drink plenty of water; I just laugh a whole lot more in this world that sometimes makes me sad (my health). We went to see "Pirate Radio" on Tuesday afternoon and it was awesome! We had the whole theater to ourselves practically. We got some popcorn, kibble for Blue Belle, apples, and some lemonade. Since chemo its been all about trying to gain some weight on my little bony ass!

After the movie, I took some painkillers (started cramping and my back was getting really soar) and took a nap while my honey went to his favorite sports pub to watch some sports on big flat screens and to eat a real "man meal". He was able to watch some Football, Hockey, and Basketball games (all at the same time)on the flat screens at his bar. (that bar is heaven for many sports lovers!) If he needed to come home to me, it would only take him 3 minutes to make it home.

Well Tuesday night around 9pm I started having horrible pains in my abdomen and my back. I just laid there on the couch moaning and groaning from the pain which in turn scared the crap out out of my animals; oh they were very concerned about me and poor Blue Belle laid right by my side. I even crawled into bed as she and Tonto followed me up the stairs in their own ways. This pain started pretty slow at first with a pain level of 6, and then it just got progressively worse. Then it hit a 10 and it really scared the living crap out of me; I thought my intestines were bursting and that I was going to die. I then started projective vomiting like crazy. I was also behind in taking my pain medications (I thought it might be nice to wean myself off of them so I didn't any for most of the day = just the 2 I took earlier). I was seriously mistaken when the blunt (as if my intestines were being stabbed with a blunt object) pains started. I called my honey and told him how much pain I was in and I could barely speak because the pain jabs were so severe; it took my breath everytime. I was scared and apparently he was too.

I cried and cried; I was so scared and my honey rushed to my side whenever these pains started. He held me in his arms and rubbed my shoulders and back to help alleviate the pain that I was in. I was also having a full blown anxiety attack from this fear so I had to pop an Ativan which totally helped calm me down (well so did my beautiful Blue Belle) within 15 minutes. My intestines were hurting so bad that it felt as if my intestines were about to rupture and just breathing made it even more painful. I had tried to smoke some pot in order to help with the pain and the extreme nausea and it did help just a little; mostly with the nausea and dry heaves. I had been puking just earlier (right before he came home) and I still had some dry heaves. The pot really helped with those but the pain was still incredibly severe. I was at least thankful the dry heaves were gone because those really intensified the abdominal pain. I almost felt as if I needed to be unconscious because this pain was so horrid.

I tried not to be so loud but I could not control the moaning which was almost like screaming (I didn't want to worry my neighbors so the moaning continued) because on a scale of 1-10, this pain was an absolute 10. Oh god did I want to just let it out and scream at the top of my lungs! I knew that I wasn't blocked but we dialed 911, anyway. What if something serious is happening? We got to the hospital and it was nice that they were able to use my pic lines to give me medication and fluids which I was very low on. It seemed they had to give me pain medication every 30 minutes because the pain so horrid. It was worse than childbirth without a doubt. I really thought my intestines were going to rupture; uhhggg. ouch!

They X-rayed me and I think may have called my doctor but they did release me and told me I had a severe kidney/bladder UTI infection and to take the Cipro twice a day and to make sure I am on top of it with the pain medications = don't forget to take them!. I was behind and the doctor kind of got mad at me for trying to get off of the pain medications especially since I had been suffering in pain. The doctor explained to me that I still have lots of scar tissue that is healing and in the process can be quite painful for digesting any food. Yeah that's true; I still hurt quite a bit just from digesting. Now it seems that I am getting horrible heart burn and can barely keep food down. I don't always get gas; but when I do; its totally like a celebration. I never hold in a good fart anymore and am quite proud of myself when I do get to rip one! But this is like gas in the wrong area of the body, I'm burping like crazy.

Here is the headshot I sent to Therapy Dog International for her Identification Card. What do you think?

We were released from the hospital at about 3:30am and both my honey and I crashed hard. The next day (Wednesday) was pretty hard on me and I spent most of the day in bed and doing lots of laundry. I can't just sleep my life away; I try my best to get as much done as I can and even completed a little reminder of when to take medications with times and everything so I don't overdose (I write down everything I eat, take, or drink). I'm contacting the nutritionist to see about gaining more weight without the TPN. I also hope to contact some of the doctors that Suzanne Summers wrote about.

These last couple of days out of the hospital have been focused on pain control and trying to get me to eat as much as possible and to drink lots of water. It's been some rainy cold days for getting outside; so I've been focused on cleaning the house and having a blast grooming Blue Belle. I picked up her paperwork from the vet and just mailed in the last of her paperwork to "Therapy Dog International". My dream of helping others heal will be coming true in the next few weeks. She won't be officially certified for working until after January, but I do plan to have her working for Furry Friends here in San Jose.

For now, Miss Blue Belle has been providing me and my honey the best therapy we could possibly ask for. She makes us so proud because everywhere we seem to take her; we are getting stopped by others who must get a chance to at least love on her. It feels so good to share my wonderful dog and to see others smile when they see how cute she is. Peace and Love to all!

My Beach Cruiser and the fun we had....

Well Saturday turned out to be an awesome day to go for a bike ride with my honey. It felt so incredibly fabulous to be riding my beach cruiser with him finally after all these months of having the gorgeous bike parked in my garage! We finally got to go on a bike ride together!)

It was about noon-time on Saturday (we got to sleep in) and I still had another hour to be hooked up to that feeding thing. I even made him his favorite breakfast of tots, bacon, and eggs over easy!) We got everything ready to go for our bike ride (a backpack with water, frisbees, and the camera) and then by 1:15 after the TPN had been disconnected from me; we got our bikes together with Blue Belle in hand and went on our bike ride to Mary Jane Park which is about 8 or so blocks from our home.

There are a bunch of little shortcuts to take to get to this park. Since my bike is more or less an old lady bike; only has 3 speeds and works comfortably going very, very slow or even somewhat fast; I was better able to lead Miss Blue Belle since she got tired and had to go slow often. I don't like to go fast anyway; just cruise and enjoy the ride! Miss Blue Belle is out of shape and I had to slow down quite a bit for her as she ran out of breath a few times. No worries, I plan to get this girl in shape in no time. We weren't able to make it to her favorite pet store this weekend, but will be able to tomorrow after Chemo.

Seeing me have a blast riding on my beautiful cruiser got my husband thinking about getting himself a nice beach cruiser for himself. I wasn't in the least amount of pain riding my bike because it has such a nice cushy seat for my bony ass and plenty of padding so that I never got those horrid ass pains from riding on one of those freaky triangle shaped seats that are actually excellent at creating horrid hemorrhoid pain for those who are riding with slow pokes such as myself.

I know I have been told several times by several different people that there are seats for dudes and seats for women that are made specifically for their genital parts and sitting on the seat which does not look or feel all that comfortable. Why concentrate on those parts when you are actually sitting on your ass? I don't know for sure if this is true or not but several people have told me this. The seats are shaped so weird like a triangle and then the inside of the triangle is missing. How is this enough to cover someone's ass? I don't get it. I see them as potential genital mutilation seats. I know, I have ridden on both of our old bikes (they both have the genital mutilation seats) to know they don't make you feel good sitting on them for too long. I would often get butthole pains from sitting on those seats for too long and sometimes rashes on my ass from sitting on the seat for so long. So far, Beach Cruisers rock and from what my honey tells me might be a bit similar to what many Harley riders do as they roll up to stop lights. The trick is that you can ride as slow as you possible can or would like to with out tipping over.

After our ride to Mary Jane Park, we rode up to the local pub for a beer. It was just a few blocks away. I had my first beer in over a month (maybe longer); it was a Guiness which tends to be better on my stomach and also very good for my blood since it is such a dark beer. We mostly just sat in the bar, had some good conversation with several of the locals and mostly just had a good time together. It was so nice to finally be back there again and to see many whom I haven't seen in months. I was finally out of the house and the two of us were out having fun together rather than heading to the hospital for a treatment or a blood test; we were having fun and we didn't drive! What a miracle this weekend has been!

Well we got home and then got ready to go out to eat at Aqui in Downtown Campbell. We both go the Blackened Mahi Mahi with chopped Mangos and cucumber and mashed sweet potatoes. I ate maybe a third of my meal as it was the first real meal I have had in over a month. I made sure I chewed everything as good as possible and drank plenty of water. What an awesome dinner! Also, most often very beautiful old cars are parked in downtown Campbell so as usual we always have to photograph those pretty cars.

Well when I got home the pain started to get out of control so I took a Percocet to control the pain for right then and it worked a little bit until the muscle spasms started; then I had to take an Ativan. These were pretty bad muscle spasms and eventually they passed. See I only have to deal with the pain for part of the day or evening; it's not constant as it used to be. I still suffer in pain (mostly in the evening and when I wake up) but at least I don't have to do something constantly. anymore. I'm improving slowly or at least I hope that I am. Sometimes I just don't know for sure.

Well today we had planned to ride our bikes to the Farmer's Market and had all intentions of doing so. Well we woke up in time and were able to make it to the hospital (Lab) for a blood draw and urine analysis just prior to my chemo tomorrow morning at 9am. I had to warn the ladies as usual since I didn't recognize anyone today that I am a very hard stick! Be prepared and get me a butterfly needle!) One woman walked up to me very sympathetically and told me she wished me the best in my battle. She knew I had been fighting for many years and I plan to fight for many more I told her! My honey came up right behind me as she was bandaging me up (my she was fast!) and kissed my forehead. He was so loving towards me and made me so proud to have this handsome man waiting for me here. Then I had to do the urine thingy and we were done!)

Well we got home from the hospital and got ready to get me off the feeding machine an hour early. After getting off the TPN we just drove to the Farmer's Market to meet up with some of Jimmy's friends from the local pub. The Market closes at 1pm and we would not have made it in time had we rode the bikes. (yes we overslept and got our day started rather late!) but we slept in together!) We got to the market and got mostly fruit; I didn't get my usual Vegan and Gluten Free Rasberry, Poppyseed, Creamcheese Muffin, but I did get a Blue Berry Cream Cheese Muffin for tomorrow! Yes, I still get to eat some of the fattening fun things as long as I chew it carefully and mindfully and drink plenty of water. Some stool softeners won't hurt either!)

We stopped and had lunch at this Irish Bar and watched part of the Packer Game with Jimmy's sweet friends; I had a kid's pasta portion which was very simple for me to eat and caused my tummy hardly any pains. The Packers were kicking ass so my hubby was happy and I was happy too! We were spending another fun day together! We even went to a few bike shops to look at cruisers for my honey. He had spent hours on the internet the night before checking out Beach Cruisers; so this will be fun; having him test and ride the cruisers to see the difference and maybe even the excitement of getting one. They are handmade here in the United States; so here's to helping out our local economy!)

After wards, we headed back home and I took my neighbor's daughter out for a cruise on the bikes. She rode her little bike and is still learning how to ride. She can't turn for some reason and it's hard for me to tell her how to turn. Now she is 14 years old, has had brain surgery for Cancer and is a 10 year survivor now; that she just celebrated a clear scan. I have no idea why it is so hard but I am unable to teach her how to look where she would like to go; instead she looks at where she doesn't want to go and sometimes she has these little crashes in fear. They don't look so pleasant but I'm being very patient with her. I try to show her how easy it is on my bike just by riding around and still she does the same thing, she rides straight and then when she needs to turn; she slams on the brakes and nearly crashes. I tried to keep telling her to look where she would like to go and instead she keeps on looking where she wants to crash and does just that? It was a little frustrating and I'm hoping she gains some more trust in me teaching her to ride. She did make some tiny baby steps today and almost went in a complete circle at the church parking lot (it was mostly empty).

My poor honey can't really ride that well with me since the stupid bike seat hurts his ass (it's not at all comfy) and I go too slow. He has the mountain bike that requires speed; it's not at all for cruising. No matter what; I'm getting stronger and stronger this week and will work on riding my bike since I am doing much better at this than walking. Here's to more healing and getting stronger!)

Happy 39th to me....

Well President Obama did tell me that I can celebrate my birthday all week long (he said we would be celebrating Flag Day all week)! I love my President! Well my birthday is on Flag Day and what a great birthday it was for me! I couldn't believe all the wonderful friends who wished me Happy Birthday on Facebook, then those who took the time to email me, the phone calls from all over, and of course all the friends who stopped by!) Thank you all!

I did get to have that Pizza Party that I dreamed of having all thanks to my good friend Nikki!)

Now the day did not start off quite so easy because I did suffer in intense pain several times in the beginning of the day, but I did manage the pain quite well with minimal medications (Vicodin and Ativan) and even used some pot the rest of day to manage the nausea and it did indeed kept me munching through out the day (in hopes that I am gaining some weight). (that's why we didn't get to the Farmer's Market till later) During the morning and then later in the evening the muscle spasms were pretty intense. My trusty vaporizer helped me so much in controlling the violent spasms (primarily the ones where vomiting was involved).

I started my day rather late, my brother and I didn't make it to the Farmer's Market until shortly before 1pm. We grabbed some fresh garlic, basil, bell peppers (red & green), red onions and what ever we could get then Nikki got all the rest. She got several choices of crusts, (regular cheese crusts, pita bread, Naan bread, tortilla, and plain crusts) cheeses (mozzarella, parmesan, ,& asiago) spaghetti sauce, garlic sauce, mushrooms, and tomatoes. She had stopped by an awesome store (Lunardi's) close by to her house near the Peninsula. She even picked up a beautiful decorated Carrot Cake (my favorite) birthday cake.

Here we are cutting up all the toppings and getting everything ready for the pizza party to start!

The adults who were well aware and wanted to got to use my very special secret sauce that I had made 2 weeks ago (with cannabis). Me and Nikki cut up all of the toppings and then placed them in different cups for all to choose from when making their own personal pizza. It was a blast to do!

After I had my pizza it was at least several hours that I did not have pains (it could have been because of ingesting the cannabis?) but I did get to spend some good quality time with friends and family while everyone just loved the pizza party idea!)

For those Adults who tried pizza with my special secret sauce, it was very, very mild but mostly just gave a small body rush of feel good energy. (very, very weak). Yes, we are in California and cannabis is not at all a dangerous plant for those who use it recreationally as consenting adults. So yes, there was plenty of laughter at my party!)

It was such peaceful, relaxing, and most of all wonderful party!) Now it wasn't a loud party like most, just very peaceful and the house was full of love. We even played some of my old lady music!) I usually don't have parties for my birthday and this was my first ever real birthday party! Can you believe that? OK many in the past but not like this.

My next door neighbors even stopped by for a few just to check out our new floor. The party was a blast. I had no physical pain for at least 6 hours!) during the party. I know it had to be my secret sauce because my intestines had calmed down completely (it was like they were stoned!). I got to move around and even go down to the hot tub to soak my feet with my friend and her son. Oh how I was thinking "GOD, please let me be able to soak in the hot tub again!" I really do hope that I can get rid of this nephostomy bag! I didn't mention the burning and itching on my back from the tube going right to my kidney? Well yes, this is also happening as I'm having fun too!) It's not so bad, but it would be great to be able to soak in that tub or swim in that pool! We are just changing the dressing on my back practically daily since the dressing from Thursday's changing came off on Friday, my tube has been exposed so it burns and it's leaking a little.

The spasms (anal and stomach?) did return shortly after midnight (vomiting and some diarrhea) and I was able to deal with them. I got through it!) Now they sounded a little scary to my brother but my honey had it covered. He got all that I needed to deal with them (painful spasms) including a glass of water to go with my anti anxiety drug (Klonopin). I actually remembered to take a Klonopin (well technically it was the spasm that helped me remember) and I was able to go right to sleep. My honey had run downstairs to go grab it and yes, he asked me "what can I get you honey?" !)

Now on for more adventures with my brother and father and my husband! We are getting the right equipment to groom my lovely girl so expect some pretty show dog photos in my upcoming posts!)

Gaining Weight...Finally..

Here I am on the couch in my latest creation and with Miss Blue Belle. I'm recovering from severe spasms. I have a cool Peace sign tied t-shirt and then this Peace Sign head wrap!

Well I will start with Tuesday: I did go to see a Psychiatrist on Tuesday morning; mostly just to make sure that my head is clear and that all of my thoughts are normal for someone who is going through what I am with this disease. I feel that my head, heart, and soul must be in place in order to be strong enough to fight this horrible disease! It's just that my emotions have been running quite high lately.

I have been crying quite a bit lately; mostly out of the fear of dying with this disease. I don't know why Death is so scary for me.? I'm not even close to being ready for that! I don't imagine that there are too many of us who are. It's supposed to be just another journey in life; but I don't feel I am ready for that yet! I'm way too young! I don't even understand why so many families are killing themselves over silly bills and money? How could money possibly be worth more than any family? It breaks my heart!(

I have to say honestly that feeling of dying is the absolute worst. I even cried to the point of having an anxiety attack when my husband reminded me that I needed a will. I cried even harder than ever when he suggested that he needed a will for himself in order to protect me. I honestly don't even want to think about loosing him because just the thought of it; rips my heart and makes me cry like a baby every single time. If I ever want to have an anxiety attack; just think that way! It's a hard denial thing to even think about to loose the love of my life.

I can't imagine what so many women and men have to go through in loosing a loved one like that and how hard it must be to pick up the peaces and to move on with your life. It's just one of the things I try not to think about and it scares the living crap out of me. I don't think I could do it. Loosing any family member, but for me; it's my other half. I love him more than I love myself! I do love myself; don't get me wrong; but I would happily take a bullet for him if it ever had to come to that. Ideally, if it were to come to the end of our lives; I would want to die a second before he does just so that I wouldn't have to live a second with out him. These are just a few of the things that we talked about. So the answer was "No" I don't wish to kill myself and "No" I don't wish to kill anybody. Those are kind of the obvious questions many health professionals have to find out.

I felt my meeting went well with the Psychiatrist as she reminded me that my husband and I are a very impressive power couple and the love that we have for one another is very rare. I had to tell her how impressed I was at how much my love took care of me. I even lost it and cried as I was telling her this and she then asked me why I was crying and I told her; because I love him so much and it deeply touches me; everything that he does for me; it's just so sweet!) I even told her how much he makes me laugh and how so many terrible things that I am facing are not so terrible as long as I am experiencing them with him.

I think it must have been impressive to her that our love for one another has gotten us this far. She did tell me that my feelings are very normal and it was relieving to at least know that me crying and worrying is not me loosing my mind; it's just me being human. Of course I had Blue because of Blue Belle and her joyfulness; I don't have to take any Anti-Depressants. Its just not necessary. She makes me, my husband, and all those around me smile and that's undepressing enough!)

Now I still have problems sleeping at night and knowing that I don't have an addictive personality helped her in prescribing me 2 drugs that I can switch from in case one doesn't work as well. I did so in the past couple of years when Ativan didn't work, I would switch to the other drug. It's between Ativan and Klonopin. The way that these two drugs work for me in giving me a choice of the two to take when needed: The Ativan is less strong but is activated much faster in the case of severe anal spasms or an anxiety attack. For Klonopan, if I am feeling stressed or that the spasms will eventually come around it takes longer to take effect, but it the effect of the drug is longer lasting.

My system works better with changes; for example, one night that I am feeling restless, I might take an Ativan, another night, perhaps a joint combined with some Yoga, the next night a Benadryl, then perhaps nothing at all, then it might be a Klonopan, then nothing at all again. I have to switch things up or my body will become immune to it. That's exactly how it works. If I don't switch it up and just use any of these 2 days in a row for sleeping; then there is a good chance that I might be rolling around all night. These two drugs are normally extremely addictive for most; but I plan to only use when needed as I do all of my medications. My last prescriptions lasted a whole year; only taking what I needed. At times I do suffer from insomnia and it's mostly caused by worrying too much about the future, scared of dying, finances, job, family, friends; mostly stress. I will lie awake all night long tossing and turning, running to the bathroom, or to go downstairs to watch TV if it's bad enough.

HEALTH UPDATE:

My system seems to be improving some and I am able to tolerate eating other types of foods. I think I have been getting used to some of these symptoms. The worst of the symptoms are the anal spasms by far. Those suck ass quite literally for me; no pun intended. I have been dealing with them as muscle spasms and even taking an Ativan which basically calms my nerves and in a sense those anal spasms are also caused by nerves. They are so incredibly unpleasant and feel as if I have dry heaves in my ass! Am I an asshole? One time my oncologist prescribed Ativan to me and on the bottle itself; it said "take as needed for Anal Spasms". That would be an embarrassing bottle to have to explain but it doesn't bother me at all!)

I sometimes ask God and I know that sounds bad; but why the hell do I have to have these Ass Hole problems? What the hell? Does God think that I'm some sort of an Asshole? Why can't real assholes have these problems? This world would be such a great place to be if all the wrongs of the world were corrected in that manner. When someone is an asshole; they could just go through what I go through in a day or how ever long it takes for them to realize that they are being assholes in the first place! YES, let the real assholes of the world have these horrible painful anal spasms and the hemorrhoids, the diarrhea, burning asshole; the whole 9 yards deal!) That would be the coolest; I wouldn't be an Asshole to anyone if I had to go through all of that! Too bad I do anyway; just to relieve that pain with drugs for now!)

OK well the Ativan takes about 15 - 20 minutes to take effect but once it does; I am more comfortable and not really feeling any pains for the time being. Sometimes I will smoke a joint to get rid of the horrible heaviness that I will feel in my tummy which is also quite painful. It literally feels as if my intestines are about to head right to my asshole. That's pain worthy of getting rid of!) It's what makes its way down to my asshole. OH the things I am having to do to gain weight and to get rid of pain. One thing after another, but at least I am at home healing and there's no better place than being at home right now!)

I also have my honey at home and he has been threatening a romantic weekday (when the hotels are cheap) getaway. We really do need a little mini vacation after all this crap (no pun intended). I just need to be able to survive a few hours in the car with out having the urge to have to pull over. I can handle those 5 minute drives; those are rockin right now. I survived a whole 45 minutes of going out for Sushi last night! Oh that was good! Didn't eat much raw fish (just some tuna and salmon), some miso, and a few CA rolls.

One of my honey's responsibilities is to check my Nephostomy tube dressing each day. He takes these jobs very seriously and inspects closely. Yesterday he found the dressing was coming off and underneath it was wet. He was very concerned and was not liking that I was taking baths and quite possibly from accidently getting water up there. Not sure how as the bath was quite shallow each time. Just needed some butthole releif. With that, he drove to a medical supply store to get me my very own sitz bath butthole contraption for my burning butthole! Oh how I love him so!)

My back was so incredibly itchy and I really tried my best to resist when I wanted to scratch and oh how I wanted to scratch to my heart's content! It was hard to resist and of course it got wet and sticky. Hopefully it wasn't urine seeping out (ick). Do I piss people off too to have these pee pee problems too? What the hell? Just kidding.

The nurse came over and changed my dressing and even got me a new tube hangy thing (forgot what's it called) but it helps hold the tube in place in case I get it caught on something it doesn't completely rip the whole tube out of my kidney. She also took my vitals and will be over next week to change that dressing again. Hopefully I can get rid of this thing in just couple more weeks. Plan to stay possitive that this isn't going to be a permanent thing. Thanks to all who have been praying for me and sending me all kinds of healing thoughts. I am getting stronger each day and proudly weighed in this morning at 116lbs!)

One Month Anniversary...

Today happens to be the one month anniversary since my 5th major abdominal surgery. What a month this has been and so many times since I have been home not quite the same amount of time as I was in the hospital; we've nearly had to go back several times because of fevers and infections. I had extreme temperatures, fights with my honey about not wanting to go and gotten through quite a bit in just a month.

Well that all changed this evening when I started having some extreme diarrhea. I started getting horribly painful anal spasms and had to take Ativan and Vicoden to rid myself of this pain and of course several nice shallow hot baths to relieve the pain on my poor tush. Well about 5pm as I was sitting relaxing in the tub; I noticed all of a sudden this yellow milky slimy infection stuff just oozing out of a hole in my incision area. It freaked me out so much. Just as I was getting up out of the bathtub to grab a towel and some bandages; in walks my honey.

I lied down on the bed as he cleaned the area and bandaged it up. Miss Blue Belle could tell something was wrong as she sat on my right side as my husband was on my left side. She was seated leaning against me as if to keep me from getting up and leaving. At that time; it was just a very small hole; maybe the size of large Sharpie pen point. We couldn't even see inside the hole and we immediately called our doctor and left a message.

As my honey hurried to take Miss Blue Belle out for a pottie break, I called the advice nurse who had me on hold for over 20 minutes. By the time I reached a nurse; my honey took over and then the doctor advised us to come into the emergency room.

We arrived at the emergency room and thank God it wasn't that busy. They took us right in. I got a temp room in about 10 minutes so that I could see a doctor. I was praying it would be something simple and that we could go home with in a few hours but in all reality it certainly wasn't.

In walked this huge brute who would be my emergency room nurse. He was quite forceful with me. He wouldn't even allow for me to tell him which of my veins were not good; he pretended to listen but then instead he brutalized my arms and I pleaded with him to please save my 1 good vein for my blood tests; but NO WAY was he going to do that. He just didn't have any talent enough to find another vein. It was much easier to just brutalize me.

The doctor had requested that I get a CAT scan and the huge brute wouldn't even allow for me to take the shot glass of the CAT scan fluid with the water chaser as many other nurses had allowed me to do. I bet he got off watching me get sick trying to drink the whole CAT scan fluid mixed with water. I didn't like this nurse at all even though my husband and him talked military he should not treat patients like they are merely test subjects or inanimate objects. That's exactly how I felt. He criticised me for telling him how to do his job and he even made it painful when he used my 1 good vein.

I did get to speak with several doctors and they all looked at my strange wound. See that whole there; that's what I speak of. It got bigger and bigger but it has this strange fettichinni (I can't spell; it's an Italian noodle) looking cloth stuff with medication to soak up infection.

I finally got admitted to my own room upstairs and the doctors came and examined me once again to change up the dressing some more. What they had explained to me was that there could be a deeper infection deep inside.

The body has it's way of communicating and this little infection here could communicate with other parts of the body or looking for more areas to infect.

To Be Continued....

Wow a whole week, just like that!

One thing I have forgotten to mention in this blog is that I suffer from severe insomnia. Maybe its due to chemo brain, but it is something that frustrates me. I have for several years since my diagnosis. I don't think about it much through out the day because I am too busy enjoying all of my waking hours. Imagine that?

I usually don't sleep well with out any medication or at least lately I haven't. The medication I normally take is Benadryl around 4 days a week (starting about 2 months ago), sometimes skipping days and around once a week or twice, I will sometimes but rarely take an Ativan (Lorazepam). I had heard from other patients (ones who have since passed on), that they took around 2 per night. I was thinking I was taking too many until I had spoken with these other patients. With this drug being a narcotic, I really can't take any more than 2 per week. I fear constipation in my case and that is real.

I am a bit frightened of all the chemicals that I am prescribed so I try my best not to take too many and to keep it as natural as possible.

Sometime Cannabis works for my insomnia but not all the time. This could be due to the type that I normally get which is the Indica. Indicas are normally used for pain and the Sativas are more for relaxing and or sleep.

My doctor prescribed the Ativan drug to me for my insomnia and for unpleasant anal spasms. Yes, I have no shame in talking the truth about this disease. I just hope my talk of my experiences will make your life experiences much easier to deal with. I have talked with others who have it far worse than I do believe it or not. There is always someone out there in this world who may have it much worse.

Now if I don't take anything for sleep, I often just roll around for all hours of the night, going to the bathroom every half hour or so and it can be completely miserable. I really want my body to get adequate rest without any (chemical) help but it just doesn't occur naturally as often as I wish it could be.

When I was working, this became a big problem because sometimes I wouldn't get to bed until after 1am then awake at 5:30am. Being tired at work was often hard but I am pretty tough and I dealt with it. I hope to get a good sleep pattern by the time I get to back to work on December 1st. I will try my best! That's all you can do in life is do your best; right?

Today, I went to have a romantic lunch with my husband at the Olive Garden. Right before I picked him up and he was outside with a co-worker when all of a sudden a huge 6 point buck walked up to them and stood there for about 15 minutes just looking right at my husband. We both thought of that baby that died on Saturday when we had gone on our motorcycle ride. It was site to see I am sure! Hearing this story on our way to lunch made me love him all the more! I guess I just love him more and more each day!

At lunch I ate some salad which I hadn't had the pleasure of having for at least 2 months. My doctor feels I can't digest salad because its "too much roughage" and my system will have problems. It was worth it and we even splurged and had some Pumpkin Cheesecake!

Well, currently I am suffering from yet another abdominal blockage. The sounds from intestines have been increasing steadily with each passing hour. It must be tiring to read about all of these blockages! I must seemingly get them all the time! It seems one after another will happen and it's all due to trying to digest food. Well, I should know they are tiring to have.
I know, I need to eat better things but sometimes that excuse "You only live onces" happens.

So what else has happened this week? Anything interesting? Well yes and no.

On Monday, October 20th, I had taken Miss Blue Belle for her walk and had gone to get coffee and donuts for my husband. I had my hands full when walking in the door and Tonto was crying and inquiring as to why he didn't get to do, so with that prior to me slamming the door shut; he takes it upon himself to rush out the door as I am slamming it. I realize immediately that "OMG! I just slammed the door on Tonto!". He didn't seem bothered by it at all at the moment.

The rest of the day he just hid and I didn't see or hear from him until after 3pm. I was upstairs and saw him sitting on the edge of the closet. He didn't look very comfortable and when I walked over to pet him, he cried and showed me his swollen foot. I picked him up to see if he could walk on it. He cried and limped forward. He really seemed to be hurting, so I called the vet. The vet had no available appointments and it really seemed like Tonto was in serious pain. He was crying and wanting me to do something. The vet told me that emergency charges would be upwards of $200 or more and having to watch our money, I decided to try to take care of him myself.

I was scared that his bone was broken because he couldn't walk on his foot at all. I cried blaming myself for hurting this poor cat, so I took him into the bathroom and tried in the only way I knew how to get of his pain. I got my cat stoned with the vaporizer. I also got some frozen pees and massaged him and placed the peas on his swollen foot. All that effort to get him better seems to have worked.

He just fell asleep and slept the rest of the day and then the next morning, he was walking on his bad foot until I ignored him after he had already been fed. He just wanted more food and of course he is on a diet; I refused, so he started to limp again. I imagine he was just milking it for all it was worth. He knew I felt bad for slamming his foot in the door.

The swelling in his foot went down dramatically. and I knew I wouldn't have to bring him to the vet. It was obvious that his bone was not broken. I was thankful. He is much better and doesn't limp at all anymore and its almost as if his foot was never hurt. He doesn't rush to escape out the door anymore!

I also went to a local bicycle shop on Wednesday to go look at Beach Cruisers! I road a few bikes and finally settled on one. It was so comfy to ride and road just perfect; not bending over and falling off the bike because of it being too big and bulky or confusing gears. I told my husband that I went looking and found the bike I wanted.

He was excited that he finally found something sweet to get me. He was so excited as he looked all over the internet finding pretty ones and then calling me to look up websites with all kinds of pretty bikes. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I had the store (Hyland Family Bikes) hold that one because he was just so excited about the opportunity to pick out a bike for me. This place has been around since 1963 and it is a family owned business. I have purchased a bike here before for a good friend of mine and have sworn to come back and get one for me. This should be interesting to see how it plays out. I did call my accountant and it is something we can write off as a business expense being that I do wish to own a green business and would utilize the bike for dropping off orders.