Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month...

  According to the CDC,  "Among women in the United States, ovarian cancer is the eighth most common cancer and the fifth leading cause of cancer death, after lung and bronchus, breast, colorectal, and pancreatic cancers.  Ovarian cancer causes more deaths than any other cancer of the female reproductive system.  Ovarian cancer incidence (new cases) and mortality (deaths) rates are higher among Caucasian women than for women of any other racial group."

In 2006,*

• 19,994 women in the U.S. learned they had ovarian cancer, and 14,857 women died from the disease.
• It is estimated that more than $2.2 billion† is spent on the treatment of ovarian cancer per year in the U.S.

 This month there are many walks going on all over the world in order to raise money for awareness and or treatments for many patients who may not be able to afford treatments.   Here's to a cure in this lifetime!)  So many thousands of women are diagnosed too late as I was.  When this disease is in its advanced stages; it is a killer and it doesn't even have to be.  I would love for 2010 to be the year we find a cure; if not next year. 


Well this happens to be one of those days where I'm not feeling all that great and it's a reminder of how serious this disease is.  My tummy feels all cut up and I bet it's from the radiation treatments I had in July.  Wow! Still suffering from those and the radiation burns are now moving up my body.  The area that wasn't so pleasant has healed but now my tummy is red, burned, and parts of it pealing a bubbling like a horrible sun burn.  It's pretty uncomfortable. 

As for it being rough myself; we are facing another ER run and I'm fighting it with all my might.  Last night my honey tried changing my gastric tube dressing and for some reason the hole where the tube sticks out is pinching like a MF.  With just the slightest touch; I'm screaming and crying in pain because it literally feels as if my flesh is being pulled off the bone and right there on my tummy where it feels even more vulnerable.  All he is doing is cleaning the area very lightly and barely touching the area; but for me it feels horrid (as if the tube is being pulled out).   I'm also puking up a storm and the tube seems to be getting blocked with food so that in turn is making me so sick that I'm having trouble breathing normally.  If I try to get up, I feel horrible pressure on my abdomen; like the tube is being pulled out.  I wonder if my tummy hole is infected?  My husband feels horrible as he tries hard to  change the dressing and clean the area as best he can, I can't even find a comfy way to lie there so that he can do this more easily.  I feel so guilty that I can't even take this pain like a man would but I can't; it is just way to painful to even comprehend.  I can't believe it.  My breathing becomes more labored (uncontrollably) as I scare the living shit out of my husband.  He is very worried about me and this causes so much unneeded stress on his system.  I wish at this point that I could take it all away and my frustration only leads me to crying more tears.  Maybe I could learn to massage him better so that his stresses are gone, gone, gone! He has stress from work and even more added stress from my bullshit.   I wish so much I could control this much better and just pretend that I'm not in any kind of pain.   I wish the pain was not great; sometimes they are sharp piercing pains that take my breath away and all I can do is squeal. Why does this pain have to hurt so?  What did I do so wrong that I have to be in such horrible horrible pain?

We need a vacation so badly and his extended leave from work involved no type of relaxation; it was all about me healing from more surgeries and/ or preparing for the end of my life.   Well the doctor did say that I had less than six months to live so my husband felt that he would like to spend those last six months with me.  Well I have survived that and much longer than expected.  I keep surprising those doctors; so now I'm just a walking medical experiment.   It's so amazing that I'm still alive and that I keep waking up despite all odds.  I don't even know what's in my body or what my body can handle.

I do hope one day I will be able ride a horse despite all of my problems in my tummy.   Horses are such amazing animals; they are prey animals and depend on the rider for security and leadership.  Well here is a youngster who deserves a second chance.  This is Big Mac who happens to be another blue eyed beauty and an appaloosa.  He was born on July 17th, 2009; so he's a little over a year old.  He is 1/2 thoroughbred with a mixture of Shire, Percheron, Appaloosa, and Paint.  He was born at the Animali Farm and his adoption fee will many many foals like himself.  $3000 for this little boy who is going to be a big boy when he grows up. They have another one named Charlie who is a few months older and was born in May 2009; he is a bay Draft Cross and he only $500.

Here is Charlie doing a full gallop!)  Oh how I love horses and could have all of these wonderful horses who deserve nothing more than a second chance in a good home!  It sucks that my townhouse just won't do; but for now I have visit with my friends who are kind enough to have horses for me to visit with.  I have to have my horse therapy every once in a while.  Their smell and their presence does something for me that dogs and cats are unable to.  My honey is promising me some horse therapy this weekend!) Let's hope we can do just that; my health is so crazy we never know day to day if I can do certain things.  This is something I really feel I have to do; pet and /or brush a gorgeous horse and he has friends who happen to have gorgeous horses!  Oh I can't wait!)


It's hard to believe that labor day is just around the corner and I sure hope that all of us are able to enjoy this weekend!  Peace and Love to all of you!

Sympathy Pains? Are they real?

One thing my mother taught me about was Sympathy pains and the real power of love.  Sympathy pains are felt by someone who loves another person who happens to be in pain.  The pain is felt in the same location as the person who loved and actually feeling pain; whether it be a heart, shoulder, bones, or even teeth.  She told me that when ever I felt pain (if I hurt myself); she would also feel that very same pain and to back this up; there were many examples of the power of motherhood and knowing if a child is in trouble.  She told me of many moms who had lost their children and right before doing so felt a horrid pain from what that child might have experienced prior to losing his or her life. 

Well today I got to experience that; I get so many pains all the time and many times my honey will feel those pains himself in his love for me.  He hates more than anything to see me in pain and always reminds me that I'm tough as nails and/or the toughest person he knows.  I don't feel tough in any way; I can barely do anything without feeling pain but I do have to endure quite a bit each day and I am more than happy to do that; just to live and to love this fabulous man.  Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair that I have to suffer so with this disease; I wished so much there was a cure. Anyway back to those sympathy pains.  A couple of days ago I placed some freshly washed shot glasses up in a special place on top of the refrigerator where I had seen him put them there before (all of our cabinets are full to and over capacity).  He was reaching up on top of the fridge for something? and ended up knocking those shot glasses all over the floor. There were literally hundreds of tiny pieces of glass all over the floor and we didn't think anything of it until last night when my husband complained that he felt a piece of glass in his right eye (near the middle of the eyelid).   I felt so bad for him; I had made him cornish game hen, corn and peas, and something else?  Anyway he enjoyed his meal and then his eye started bothering him.  He was trying to not dig in the eye but it was too painful for him; about 15 minutes later; I started feeling as if my eye was being cut open; it was horrible pain but the pain finally subsided for both of us as I utilized our Vaporizer; I also had abdominal pain from another bowel blockage.  It just never ends!)  Those can be so painful!  I just knew this eye pain was a result of the love that I have for him; I was having sympathy pains for him and it's definately not the first time I have done this.



When he hurt his knee back in 2004 (he had to have surgery to replace his ACL and Miniscus); but I definitely felt horrid knee pains while he was enduring them just prior to his surgery and even while he was healing.  We both had to heal from our own surgeries that month of April in 2004.  I had an emergency Abdominal surgery just 2 weeks before his surgery and then about 3 weeks after his surgery; the cat needed surgery to remove his penis?  He had crystitis; God bless his soul, they cut off his blocked penis and made him a  Pussy cat!)  What a sad healing family we were!  All three of us had surgery in April!

 One accomplishment my honey and I completed was getting both Tonto and Blue Belle washed!  They are both so incredibly soft that we just can't keep our hands off of both of them; they are not complaining at all.  Tonto was so happy to have his bath that he has been sitting in the corner of the room kissing at me.  Now cats kiss with their eyes; they will blink their eyes at you to kiss you.  It's really cute.  I know Tonto doesn't look so happy in this photo but he was when he got home.  He hates the entire car ride to the vet or to the grooming place.  We use Pet Food Express for self service baths.  They have a nice size grooming table and the shampoos are all organic.  Tonto likes the orange peel shampoo and the Aloe and Oatmeal for his itchies.  I couldn't find a flea on either of them; so we are pretty lucky.

Well this horrible abdominal pain I have been experiencing is from being blocked with food.   My system is just not ready to handle digesting food and I have to face that fact.  I still starve to death even though I am getting TPN nutrition; I just can't help being so hungry.   I tried to eat some Thai food on Friday night (mostly soup) and I'm thinking that it's not going through my system even though I chewed everything until it was beyond liquid (slop).  I haven't gone to the bathroom all weekend long and hopefully we won't be visiting an ER room anytime soon.  It does have me worried.    I'm doubling up on the Senna and Col-Rite and I'm also draining my G-tube regularly.   Well with my serious lack of a sex drive; I would prefer having a G-spot rather than a G-tube! LOL.  OK sick joke, but it is true; it sucks to be lacking in that department.  Everything  happening to me has been pretty scary and I have also been puking all week long.  I  just can't seem to hold anything in no matter how hard I try.  I'm also still getting those horrible urinary infections and  I went to see a doctor today as he showed me my CAT scan; how freaking weird was that?  I wished so much that I could post that very interesting CAT scan here so that all of you can view it.  I was able to see all of the electric components of this Medtronic Pain Pump in my stomach and the twisted path of my nephostomy Stint.  I sure hope the surgery is successful in 3 weeks. Yes, I'm getting the Stint replaced because it is about that time to replace it.  So many surgeries and so little time?

I thought I would do something different and perhaps at least try.  I was prescribed Premarin after I got my total and complete hysterectomy and then some because I had to go through sudden Menopause and sudden is a bit understated here.   Anyway, this is just another form of HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapies).  Premarin is actually made out of pregnant horse piss!  Can you believe that?  Well these horses are made to stay pregnant and the poor babies resulting are sent to a slaughter auction at as early as 3 months of age.  Apparently there is a huge market in Europe for young horse meat; primarily in Japan.

  Since this drug and those horses helped me in first 2 years of living with the disease; I feel it is my obligation to try to find homes for these beautiful babies  for which I would love to adopt but have no place or energy to keep them!(.  I have always loved horses! I love their smells, their intelligence, what they do for me and probably others too in being around them; I could go on and on.  I love their bodies especially!  They are the most beautiful animals!  Here is a baby girl with Blue Eyes that I would love find a home for.  Her name is Treasure and she sure looks like a Treasure to me! I was told that they also call her the Barbie Doll Girl because of her blue eyes and natural black eyeliner around her eyes.  She looks just a Barbie doll!  Oh how I wish I could adopt her; you can also sponsor a horse as well because this poor organization is having to feed these beautiful babies which I'm sure eat more than a dog or cat.  Every little bit helps and I commend this organization for doing what they do to help save these magnificent animals.  I wish these horses could be trained for police work; they are part Draft and could carry a heavy police officer.

Here is the contact information for those interested in adopting some Premarin Foals and Horses or just sponsoring a few or just one. 

Wow! My life and all the pain I have to live with!.  At least I have lot of love from all over the world and many prayers and good thoughts for my healing.  I do have hope and some days are good and some days not so good with the pain; but no day is wasted for me even if I have to sleep most of the day; at least my body is getting it's vital rest.   Peace and Love to all of you!