How can life be ruined?

This photo has an element of shock factor which I really like!  It's shocking how bony I am and all the medical devices on me; I would be a total nightmare in any airport; so I won't go there! LOL!  My good friend Elena took this photo yesterday (she is the most amazing photographer I know!); despite the element of shock value; it's a very beautiful photo of me fighting cancer pain the best way I know how; with my miracle plant; cannabis, marijuana; what ever you want to call it.  I think this photo might even win some awards!)  I'm not afraid of my cancer injuries and just want all of you to be thankful for all that you have.   I also have some hope in my heart that I might be able to help someone who might suffer from anorexia or bullimimia. I do know that even as sick as I tend to get; I can never fight off these darn munchies that I know they could not fight off so easily; I do know this because I find it very difficult to fight off.

My brother and I went across the street to buy some groceries at the ghetto Safeway across the street and I occasionally will check out the headlines of many of the trash zines as I  commonly call them.  They are the headlines that many celebs balk at as being untrue and many times they are; they basically make up shit in order to sell these "trash zines" like the "National Enquirer" or "Life and Style?"   One headline stood out most and it was an article about a teen girl who had gotten pregnant.   I did see how untrue many articles were on Michael Douglas and his fight.  He beat the beast and is now a hero to so many!  I'm really happy that he was able to do; I would not have handled another cancer death as well; instead it's a cancer miracle!

One of the headlines was of this teen who had gotten pregnant and it clearly said "Teen Pregnancy ruined my life"?. I was appalled and not understanding how can a teen's life be ruined when another life is just starting; including hers?  I don't feel a teenager should be taking care of a child when that much negativity is displayed in front of their child.   A  young child needs  more stability, including someone mature enough to take care of him/her; so I'm all for adoption in teenage pregnancies and abortion if the life of the child is in jeopardy.    You can make your life better and even better for the unborn or already born child by giving that child a real life rather than allowing that child to realize how ungrown up a child raising a child can be.  Eventually no respect is shown and that be toxic.  I have seen my share of brats in grocery stores; that's for sure!  Kids running around like little animals; knocking shit down, rolling around on the ground crying up a storm when they don't get their way,  bumping into people and so much more!   Kids do need good parents that care and are observant of their behavior rather than ignoring many situations.

I know I will never even begin to understand how words can even ruin someone's life or how can someone's life be ruined so simply?   Or how can someone else have the power to take another person's life?   How can someone allow their life to be ruined?  Just live your life and make it better?  We have a limited amount of time here to make special; so make your mark and seize your opportunities!   

 

Sure I could easily say that Cancer ruined my life and just complain about everything around me  (be a total bore and shit to be around!) but I wouldn't be honest if I did.  Cancer did change my life in many ways but it also opened my eyes to so much more in this world!   Some days I wake up and I have total pain everywhere and can barely get out of bed and then there are those fabulous days where I have just enough energy to get out of bed and attempt have a fabulous day.  I still have many days of fun as I have these past few days.   

This is a photo that I should entitle as "Love".  My husband is determined to keep me alive as long as I can live.  A friend of mine came over yesterday and took these amazing photos ever of me and my family; brother, my dad and a few of my husband; mostly family shots but some very beautiful photos meant for my blog; so I should have plenty of photos to last me for my blog!)   I thought I would show all of you what I endure as I use my pot to get rid of the serious pain I suffer from.  You can actually see wires connecting on me. LOL, that huge hockey puck or Skoal tobacco.

  You have to live your life in order to live and enjoy?  Life really is not that bad and it sure as hell is not all about money and greed!   You life will not end over money; I guess unless someone else is greedy enough to do so? I hope we can all learn to live with out so much consumerism and just learn how to enjoy the peaceful moments with each other as we are blessed to have.  We never know what each moment might bring and sometimes my husband and I have very scary moments of this cancer trying to take hold of me but we never give up hope.   

We actually had a little shakin going on just a few days  ago (a little earth quake, my dad and brother didn't feel it but my honey and my puppy sure felt it; it just lasted a few seconds; then the next day (on Monday) we went to see "True Grit".   It was a hell of lot better than that horrible bird/ballet movie!  I can't believe we sat through that entire movie!  What a bore! We enjoyed this one; it was OK for me.  I don't like a whole lot of bang, bang shoot em up!   I didn't like the snake scene towards the end or the scenes where horses had died. 

My husband will always take care of me no matter what.  We are there for each other and so is my father and my brother and so many of my friends.  My world is filled with love; what can I say?  How can I say that cancer has ruined my life when I have so much love?  My brother and I had grown up very close.  I took care of him when my mother wasn't able to; I did teach him how to drive too; so he is great driver and was able to take me to Santa Cruz in order to get me some excellent medicine which has really helped me with my cancer pain; check out those tumors and you can see the wire that extends to my spine in the photo at the top of this post.  I'm on hospice care taking the most strongest drugs ever; can't take any pills so smoking a joint and the pain disappearing in less than 5 minutes is a blessing for me.  I hope many other patients are able to do the same.  They too deserve to have more time spent with their love ones.  You can see how debilitating cancer can be on a soul but I'm still fighting and will continue to until the very end.  Well it's not really fighting; its enjoying life no matter what!)

I can't get over how much fun my brother and I have been having these past few days.  I have kept the pain at bay with the special medicine we went to get on Sunday.  It was awesome to see my other brother; he is a brother to me as a cancer survivor.  I had not seen my brother since my 39th birthday; so what a blessing it's been just to hang out and ride bikes together!).  I'm so glad we were all able to just let go have a blast with a photoshoot.  Everything turned out perfect!  So much fun we have had together!  Sure I scared the scared the crap out of them at times with painful muscle spasms (in my ass!-(.   I was able to control the pain so much better with this extra strong cannabis.   Thank you my brother in Santa Cruz! 

I'm still enjoying each day I am blessed to have.  Peace and Love to all of you!

Welcoming Hospice Care....

Yes, we made the big decision today to go onto hospice care.  We are a bit overdue on this decision but fighting so hard in this battle; we need a break and from what I understand they can help us quite a bit.  Now my cancer is considered technically End Stage Ovarian Cancer?  How completely morbid does that sound?  I'm still going to fight to live each and every day that I am blessed to have as they come no matter what and the decision to go onto to hospice care was definitely not an easy decision to make.  I only hope that I make it till the end of the year (or longer if that's even possible - that would freaking rock!).  No more gifts for me; just prayers and/or healing good thoughts!  I could really use some miracles!   What an understatement!   That's all I need now!  Can't take any of that shit with me and just by others thinking of me makes the world for me.  Thank you all!)

 One cool thing is that I am still able to get out and ride my old lady bike.  Yes, I'm calling it for what it is.  I can't walk for long distances and the bike is so very comfortable that I can still ride it.  All the power I need!

One thing that hospice care will do that makes me feel even better is that they will provide care for my loving caregiver and husband (my sweetie).  He deserves the world!   He has been having problems sleeping and he needs support just like I do.  Caring for a spouse who is facing the inevitable is hard.   He has such a heavy load on his plate in taking care of me each day.  What an amazing man he is and continues to be!  It is so not easy what he has to put up with and I admire him so deeply!)   I know that it kills him to see me in any amount of pain and sometimes I do have to admit that I hold the pain in as much as I can just so that he doesn't have to hear me suffering.  He always makes me feel so good no matter what the situation is; just hearing his soft voice calms me.  OK I already wrote a tribute to him not so long ago but if I get a chance to brag; I will do it!  He deserves that and so much more!

This photo is of Blue Belle and Jagger; a good friend of hers and Jagger's mom.

The decision to go onto hospice care was not an easy decision for me to make because they are dealing with end of life and I guess that's what's going on with me unfortunately.   Many  hospice care workers I hear are ready to speed up the process and I will not at all be about that!   No Way do I want this process to go on faster than ever!  That sucks!  I want to drag this on for as long as I possibly can and I will be sure to make that as clear as possible.   I guess we are a dime a dozen but still!  I'm just not ready to let go so quickly.  I do know that it will happen one day; but like all of you; I just don't know exactly when.   I was not at all ready to go onto Hospice Care last year or even 6 months ago when I have been faced with this decision for so long.

Its weird to see how right that psychology class I took at Indian Hills Community College so many years ago was.  You do go into stages of acceptance when you are dying with a disease.   I think the first was utter fear but it's actually denial.  Oh yeah there was plenty of that!  I wanted to hang on so bad; don't get me wrong I still do.   I did go through anger last year; although I am still a bit bitter about it all? I still wonder "why me"?  Every cancer patient goes through that.  Then there is other thing called "Bargaining" where you think if you do something different maybe the inevitable won't happen to me?  We did the pain pump, more radiation, and then I got good old R2 so that I could try to eat my favorite foods with out having to puke up so much; I still puke quite a bit.  Thank god for good old POT!)  It helps some!  Then there is the depression which is really hitting us both quite a bit.  My honey and I held each other for like hours sobbing together.  Love has brought us through so much of this shit.   We are both getting closer to the acceptance of this but it's still very hard; especially for someone as hard headed and stubborn as myself!  Oh and the beautiful photo above  was once again taken by Elena Zhukova a few years ago.

I am getting my pain pump turned up tomorrow at 2pm and then on Thursday; I think the hospice people will be coming over.  I plan to document as much as I can in hopes all of my information may help many, many others.

I will never forget when my doctor came into my room and told me that he felt my battle should end.  It kind of has; we can't try to kill any cancer (it's taken over) but I am living with cancer (numbing the pain when needed).  Cannabis is a blessing for me right now in so many ways.  It is the best pain killer; sometimes I need more help so I have to go stronger but in the morning hours it works best.   I know it is the reason why I am still around to this day; I got many more years than most would have had with my disease.  I have outlived many other patients and yet this disease is still quite deadly.  I hope in the future that all cancers will be looked at more seriously as they do with breast cancer; we need a cure!  I would hate to live in other states where they would deny you Constitutional rights (helping ease unnecessary pain and suffering);   It seems they give more rights to those on death row?  I am so glad it is legal in my state and I didn't have all the hell that many other patients had to go through of getting arrested or having a gun pulled on me in the middle of the night?.  I have had nothing but support for my decision to use and I am very thankful for that and the amount of time it gave me with my loved ones.  It has been a total blessing in so many scary situations we have faced!

I'm still going to fight live as much as possible;  to have  more of those good days and try to see as many movies as I can.   There are a lot of good movies coming out lately? Well at least I know I won't have to run and take a dumpers during the middle of a movie any more; I just can't eat any popcorn or Milk Duds?  I think that is what they are called.  Milk Chocolate Caramel balls?  Yummie!  Maybe I can bring R2 with me and stomach suck my tummy right after eating those yummy candies?  Well I do know Blue Belle will be sitting there enjoying the movies with me.  What a crazy request because I still have my appetite just can't deal with the pains of this monster eating me alive.  I hope and pray that one day there will be a cure for cancer and that others don't suffer as I do.  Peace and Love to all of you! I hope to post a video later on today!

Oh and I do wish to help these horses if all possible.  They are the result of the female hormone Replacement Industry.   This is Bess Nick and he was born in May 2007. Here is more information on Nick: Nick is a big bold moving horse. He is the most amazing color, a red roan with lots of sabino markings. He is dirty in this photo, we can only imagine how he will sparkle with a good bath! He should do will as a riding or driving prospect. He grew up in Alberta, Canada running in a huge wooded pasture. We brought him to The Animali Farm because he was going to be sent to slaughter. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and such a beautiful horse. He is halterbroke only, but is going to be used in the Starter class at Monty Roberts School in September 2010 where he will get some good training.  Please contact Jennifer Johns or Cheryl Forbes if interested in this beauty; animal@aol.com or (805) 938-0174.

Still struggling for normalcy...

Check out my healing tummy. I just pulled off the rest of the little pieces of tape today (stery strips). It looks a little rough right now but it is healing up nicely. It's hard not to itch because yes, its in that stage where it itches like crazy. Check out the hole where the gastric tube was and was leaking all of last weekend. Very trippy.

I woke up this morning with the worst nausea ever that I had no other option than to wake and bake which really helped alleviate that problem. Puking with a tummy that is healing was not going to be a option for me and I had to do what worked best for that problem.

I'm still dealing with the severe glass diarrhea which has been plaguing my system for several days now. It hurts so bad that I can barely walk after going. It's like I get these anal spasms along with the hemorroids. How incredibly unpleasant and very painful. Each time I go, I immediately need to take a hot bath and then all of sudden it's like I have to puke out of my butt again! It's a vicious cycle and it sucks! It hurts on a scale of 1-10; on the 8-9 scale. It's so very painful and really does feel like glass is coming out.

I haven't got it all figured out yet, but am still loosing some weight and then gaining on other days. I got down to 114 on Monday and I hope this is the last bit of loosing weight for me. I can't stand to see my skeleton much more than this and will need to take some drastic measures to try and gain weight.

This afternoon I proudly weighed in at 118lbs. Finally! I had consciously tried to eat through out the day including lots of protein if I could help it. I also went to Whole Foods and got these organic soy meatball and spaghetti-O's which had 24g of protein, a green tea machi at Jamba Juice, Strawberry brown cow whole milk yogurt with the cream on top, 5g of protein, and what ever I can get the munchies for that also had protein. Yes, cannabis is now saving my life at this point. I can't afford to loose any more weight and just wish to gain and get healthier = stronger.

I did take Miss Blue Belle to the park earlier today for just a few moments and tossed the frisbee maybe 10 times before I got tired and we had to drive home. It was wonderful to get outside today even though it was somewhat cold and windy and had been raining; it was still wonderful. I got some important errands run, laundry, and even changed the sheets on our bed today; a productive day just before the massive diarrhea started. I have been on top of the pain and taking my pain medications and hemorrhoid medicines. They help some.

Oh the unpleasantries of dealing with this disease. It's not all pleasant with my life totally revolving around these very important body functions. I am still very thankful to still have somewhat of a colon left which means that I have some healing to do and snowboarding next season! I get to ride my beach cruiser in about 3 more weeks but for now it's just walking for exercise and very light chores around the house. I still can't lift anything over 5lbs. On to more recovery! Gotta do some light yoga moves!)

Getting used to my new body...

Well this weekend had its rough moments in that I am having trouble gaining weight; instead I am loosing weight. I haven't quite figured it out yet, but my system seems to be running much faster than usual. After about 4-5 hours after I eat anything; then I get severe abdominal cramping and then the severe diarrhea.

As of now it feels like glass coming out of my ass but I am so very thankful everything is working but the pain is getting more harder to manage. I was taking the Vicodins purely for blocking the diarrhea but it wasn't helping at all with the pain just making the cramping pain more severe. I just started smoking my joints once again and this is working like a gem. I can not believe it!) Why didn't I do this sooner? It instantly calmed my tummy down and I was able to relax from the full stomach pain and cramping. The razer blade feeling in my bottom also was aleviated. Thanks to this wonderful natural growing plant which I hope and pray will become legal one day. No one has ever died from this miracle plant and I bet it could build our country strong once again.

My tummy fills up much faster than I am used to and I haven't quite figured out the size just yet (or how much I can actually eat) and have been having a hard time eating and then being too full. My doctor wants me to eat more protein and to eat several times a day. After I eat, I end up lying down on my back for hours waiting for my tummy to digest and still leaking out of the gastric hole. It is starting to heal some but still smells like puke. How weird is that?

My honey took me out for breakfast on Saturday morning and I got to have some hash browns and french toast which totally filled me up. I ate maybe a third of my plate and was so full my tummy ached. It felt so good to get out of the house and to see the public once again. I have been cooped up all week for fear of getting any kind of cold. Lots are going around apparently and that's the last thing I need right now.

I am finding that I have more energy but am still loosing weight. I weighed myself today and now I am at 116 even. My honey is worried again about me and I will need to make an appointment with my internist to see what he can recommend for gaining weight and dealing with this upset stomach. I am so very thankful to have those tubes out of me and just starting to heal. Tonight I plan to eat some marinated blackened chicken, mashed pototatoes and gravy, string beans and corn. I will be breaking it up and having 2 dinners in hopes this will help me gain some weight.

In a couple of days, my honey is threatening to take me to one of my favorite restaurants in the City "Squat and Gobble". They have the best crepes and so fattening which what I need. I love their teas, salads, soups of course their crepes. What's cool is that I can take it home and reheat and eat later and it tastes even better!) I have to wait and watch my bowels to see if I could handle just going to the city. In my 20's, I used to live in the city and also right down the street from this very restaurant (Lower Haight) and boy could I put that stuff down. I could eat an entire crepe and plate of their country potatoes and a salad. I couldn't possible eat even a 10th of what I used to eat before my metabolism has slowed down.

My doctor has told me that eventually my bowels will start to act normal but they are just waking up and happy to be home!) I'm just getting through this little rough patch as you witness!)

On another note of feeling great is my president for which I am so incredibly proud of. I watched several of his speeches this week and it really inspired me and gave me so much hope. All the pain I had been feeling did not matter. I forgot about it and entered into a world of nations who are working together to improve situations all over the world. I could not have felt prouder when I watched those speeches and of course the first lady when she spoke with those school girls in England. It was both heart warming and soulful for me to watch. The speeches really gave me hope that matters will not be handled with guns but with talking, compromising, and working together as a whole world should; not closed doors and fear mongering but with diplomacy and communication. This is the news I like to follow because it always tends to give me hope that things will turn around. We all matter now and what we do to make this world a better place to live. I feel my writing will help many and of course working on my actions as I heal.

My big dream is still to get Miss Blue certified so that I can help visit those who need her most. I see her healing powers everyday and if I can bring her to a few places (veterans hospital, convalescent homes). I feel we could all do something to help each other or someone who really deserves it. Giving really does feel good much better than buying something you really don't need.

A new type of wealth....

Well despite this horrible economic crisis we face, you can just look around you and notice the wealth that you already posses. No not the stocks that have tanked or the money lost in 401K, your family, your health, your right now.

Money isn't everything, but I am now able to get my medicine and even some organically grown greens and veggies for free. I have a friend who will grow some plants for me and other patients as well who also need the medicine and of course a neighbor who will supply fresh organic veggies in exchange for my my worm tea from my composter to feed the plants.

I was able to trade in my fat clothes for some skinny clothes from a good friend of mine so now I have new wardrobe for returning back to work in 1 week.

I think I can now be about bartering for now and saving as much money as possible. I am also beading and making necklaces to trade for other home necessities as well. This may very well be like the Great Depression. Our ancestors survived that and I too have faced similar hard times when I was small child in the 70's. My father had lost his job soon after he had moved us several states away; we didn't have much money for food, but we survived anyway even from gathering food in dumpsters behind grocery stores, or from the kind neighbors and friends, trading, and also living on a farm with a milk cow and chickens. We learned so much how be more self sufficient and to not waste more than we take. It's not pleasant to experience poverty being that we had to do what we had to do to survive, but in life it is about accomplishing just what you have to do to get by.

HELPING OUT FAMILY

Well do please forgive me for some of the ads displaying on this blog. Its just a small way to help my impoverished mother in SC. Some of the money raised on my blog helps my mother to pay small bills as she struggles to keep her mill job from moving to China. It's just starting to happen and I am working on a new resume for her being 62 years old and having to face the job market. This is a just a small way for now that I can help her.

It certainly does no good to worry about things like money or paying bills. Those will always be there, but your loved ones are what really needs to be cherished right now. We can't always guarantee that we will always be there but we can at least try to.

PAIN AND SUFFERING

Last night, my stomach swelled up in pain from another intestinal blockage. It could be the popcorn I shared with my husband during the game on Thursday night or a number of things.

I had gone out to eat with some friends both during lunch and dinner. I couldn't eat too much because of the pain but it got worse through out the night. I took a Benadryl and that konked me out but today I kept getting the feeling that someone had just kicked me in the stomach. It nearly took my breath away so I utilized my faithful Vaporizer and a couple of bong rips. I coughed and coughed and coughed, but finally the pain had been reduced to nearly nothing. Finally, I just couldn't get enough to drink, so I did my prune juice, Miralax and White tea mixture. Hopefully my intestine will untangle itself on its own but for now at least I have medicine for pain relief and a quality of life. Yes, it frustrates me so when the reality sinks in that I can't really eat like normal people.

               

Hashish?....Instant Pain Relief..........

I managed to keep myself pretty busy on this very, very hot over 100 degree day and I even managed to keep the house cool enough all day long!

One thing that had to be done was to call my Chemo doctor and I was able to leave a message for him concerning the stool sample (internal bleeding) and if I should continue on the Etoposide despite the internal bleeding or should we just take a little break, find out the reason for the internal bleeding, etc.

I was in pretty bad pain when I first awoke this morning and it was as if I had digested a bunch of razor blades during the night. I felt pretty battered and beat up and could barely stand up straight without doubling up in pain. I know that the pain is due to the abdominal blockages that keep occurring despite all that I am doing to keep the blockages free (Myralax, stool softeners, enemas, soft easy to digest foods, and suppositories).

The blockages are still occurring and the pain keeps me on edge. Sometimes I am unable to function because of this pain and I just feel like laying around, trying to find the most comfortable pain free position. I know there is plenty to do (in life in general) but the pain in my intestines will freeze my body enough so that I am just laying on the couch as time just flies by.

My good friend (I have to protect her privacy) but she continues to help me and I'm so thankful for such a good friend and a soul. She brought me over some really good pot and some really good hash to try out. I'm not really familiar with the process of making hash, but this was made with water? It's call water Hash? There's some sort of process for making the stuff.

The best way for me to smoke the Hash (currently) is with my glass pipe (my younger brother got me this pipe for my Birthday last year.) I was in pretty bad pain and the actual pain that I can feel is that I am bleeding internally. (that's the best way that I can describe it)

Sometimes, I try so hard to pretend that I'm not really in such bad pain when I am around my friends and family. I really hate for them or anyone to have see that I am suffering in pain. I know it kills my husband, my father, my mother, brother, and many, many friends. It really hurts and it sucks to have to feel this pain almost constantly. Sometimes I have to admit that I do get angry at God for putting me in such pain. I will plead with him/her that I don't deserve this pain and to please STOP IT!! Please?

I can relieve myself of the pain somewhat with my vaporizer and some really strong pot, but this was like no other feeling. I smoked the hash with my friend and for her, it was much different. She just felt very mellow and quiet. My pain dissipated completely; so much so that we actually went outside and swam some laps in my pool. I felt absolutely wonderful! To be so pain free!! I really haven't felt this feeling in such a long time, months perhaps. Awwww! That pain in my stomach; gone!!!! For that, I thank GOD for the pain relief. OH!!!! I'M SO THANKFUL!!!!!!!!!

I didn't feel the pain in my intestines at all and I felt absolutely wonderful; happy and most importantly, I didn't feel myself bleeding internally!!!!!!! Sure, I was forgetful, spacey, and perhaps a little goofy (my friend laughed at me some and I admit I do get myself laughing so hard that my ribs hurt just a little bit!). But what's the harm? No Pain:), and I felt the gain of confidence to actually be able to accomplish a few things today like cleaning, doing laundry, and all the things that I was doubled up on the couch unable to do.

If this isn't proof of medicinal value and evidence, not sure what else to there is to prove except, what a miracle and what a miracle drug this is! I love life and as far as I'm concerned, this is saving my life. I definitely without a doubt feel in my heart that I could never harm anyone, no matter what. As I go through the pains of cancer (that I often suffer from), I like to feel that I am taking the pain for children that don't deserve it, and for my friends and family.

Almost forgot! I actually slurped and finished a whole nasty protein shake! I also drank 3 in a row, of cranberry juice and water with Miralax! I also drank my Prune Juice and it sure made my prune juice taste yummy and usually my prune juice is never yummy, ever! My mouth was that dry? Imagine that?

Sometimes after awaking from an Etoposide pill, I suffer from a metal taste (metals from the chemo drugs) in my mouth. (after vaporizing, I noticed that the metal taste was gone - completely!) Wow!!! More proof of Medicinal Value!-)

Please do visit this site as well:
http://www.freetainted.com/weblog/topics/about

These are true heroes for us patients. If the federal Government continues to prosecute the undangerous citizens (clearly NOT terrorists). These humans are loving, caring, and concerned citizens who help the sick and they are prosecuted? What kind of world do we live in?