Overcoming chemo brain with new devices and knowledge...

My husband and I have been so incredibly close lately (actually we always are). We have these cute little spats that don't really last long and always end up with us laughing our asses off at each other. One example is that we have these pool keys which I sometimes will loose. I put them in a pocket but it always ends up "well which pocket did I put them in?" Sometimes he looses them and it always seems that I am the one who lost them in the first place each and every time because of this chemo brain.

I am convinced each and every time when something does go missing; it must be me that lost what ever it is. I love to put things in pockets (yes coats and pants), in purses (which ever purse that might be). Women do have so many accessories and I'm no different. They look great, and they hold all of the things we can't possibly carry in our hands all of the time!) Anyway back to the missing pool keys; I had to call my neighbor to let me and my friend into the hot tub. I must have looked inside each and every jacket of mine and my husband's, pants I had worn, purses I may have used. I could not for the foggy chemo brain remember where those keys must be. My poor patient husband is helping me look and of course nothing.

The next day, my husband goes to work and then finds those keys in a pocket in his jacket that perhaps I had never even known he had; his secret pocket. The problem is neither of us can remember or even know which of us is responsible for loosing those keys. It totally does not matter to either of us. Move on!) We just cracked up when he produced them and told me he found them in his jacket in his secret inside pocket. It was either me or him? We had no idea but didn't care. He had checked the mail one of these days and I did too. I wore his jacket one cold, cold morning to take Blue Belle out for her morning potty break (could have had the keys then, but don't know). His coat is so warm and smells just like him that I just can't resist wearing it sometimes. I just remember his outside pockets which I always use but who knows? We were just so tickled that we found those keys. What a relief!

Chemo brain seems to be a big thing for me and many other cancer patients like myself. It happens sometimes where you feel this fog covering up your brain when you are either telling a story, trying to remember where you put something, or explaining to someone something you did, etc. It happens and sometimes when you try to figure out and to learn new things it takes many times of memorizing for anything to really sink in. Don't get me wrong, I still feel smart at times, just frustrated when I forget things. Things do eventually come to me whether its seconds, minutes, hours, days, and sometimes months. You never know.

Well I am doing new things for this New Year to improve my brain skills and I already feel great about it. For instance, I am taking that Yoga class which I can tell is helping me in other ways as well. I also signed up for this Medical Terminology course which really excites me and will give me a great challenge. Maybe I can find out what's really ailing me; yeah its the cancer but hopefully I can fix myself, myself. Wouldn't that be cool? Yeah that's a dream, but I can also make myself more useful in this world by learning medical terms, what they mean, and more.

I also just got myself a new iPhone and its so far pretty fun and I can play with and learn how to use on the way to work! Oh boy! So far so good with the learning how to use; still getting confused with the menus but I have a feeling this will be a good experience for me. Oh,, it's a fun one!)

I just shipped my mom her new phone (my old phone). It will be so good if we can get back to talking to each other every day or every other day again. I hate doing the weekends or once a month. That will not work. A woman's gotta talk to her mom as much as she can or least every day , right?

TGIF! Don't get me wrong, I love each and every day and have found new purpose in going to work in that I do have fun, I get to work with some people who really do have hearts of gold, they do good things for others, would be more than willing to give the shirt off of their backs, and what ever they can do to help out. Their work involves creating drugs which can save the lives of those with debilitating diseases.

However lately, I have found it really sad when others at work tell me of how others make it really hard for them to deal with work (making them very miserable) and while it does make me sad to see others so sad, I just hope that my presence makes going to work so much better and tolerable. I just do my best to cheer others up with my problems. It seems to work with my mom and it makes me very happy to be able to do that for her and for others. I catch myself laughing so hard at myself that I get others laughing too. That always seems to make me feel wonderful!) There might as well be some positive in my seemingly constant bowel problems.

I decided after this experience in the hospital that I just want to just do my best at everything I do. Yeah, it was a close call!) I made it!) So now, I just give everything I do my all! Yeah I have been doing that all along, but never have I felt so strong about it; actually perhaps I always have. I really do like to make those around me appreciate their lives so much more than they do or just to feel great just being around me and maybe I am able to influence others that being miserable is no way to be or to live your life. Live a little, laugh a little, give a little.

I was at work early today and I only got around 3 hours of sleep; if that. I did have some very painful problems today (not until after noon) which honestly does worry me. It was good for me to be at work and to get things done, but in all actuality I was pretty scared today about my doctor's appointment yesterday.

Work actually helped me get my mind off of those problems, but once that pain started I had to sit it out for a little over 2 hours. Yes, I had a bad case of diarrhea which happens sometimes too often; I'm still very, very happy as can be that my butt hole still works!)

I almost felt as if I had dry heaves in my butt hole and that my intestines felt as if they might just come right on out (that I might shit out my intestines). How unpleasant that was and I for sure could not go home while this was all happening. I couldn't get it to stop a few times; like all the food I had eaten was now coming out. I didn't have any appetite for any food and was fearful that it too would come rushing out. That's another thing my doctor had been concerned about was my weight. I need to gain some! I'm still loosing weight but still within the 120lb range. With my clothes, jacket, boots, and a set of keys I had in my pocket; I weigh 129.

I still managed to get things done and all that I had promised I would get done. I felt great about that but was still in lots of pain. I tried some aspirin, then a few hours later some Ibuprofen. It was just like I had taken some sugar pills, so I just tried some breathing techniques, thinking about Blue Belle and what every I could do to rid myself of pain. I tolerated it quite well and NO that does not happen all the time. Just 1 day out of 4 which isn't that bad. No pain the rest of the week.

Finally, it (butt hole dry heaves) stopped, peacefulness but still quite painful! I drove home and then decided that I needed to go to Whole Foods to find me some stuff that could put some real meat on my bones. I called my mom on my new phone and my new hands free device with does not have one of those ear barrettes (torture devices for your ears) just to tell her that her care package is on its way.

How wonderful it was just to hear her voice and that I was indeed cheering her up. I was parked and ready for my shopping trip (all except that feeling of intestines coming out of my butt hole). She told me I needed to smoke a bowl and I did. Within 10 seconds; the pain dissipated. How amazing that felt and my mom got to witness all of this on the phone!) Actually she has witnessed it many times. I sometimes will call her in pain and she will always tell me "You need to go smoke a bowl". How cool is that for my mom to say that to her own daughter? She knows it works and it really does. I would be arrested if I lived in her state (South Carolina) and dared tried to get rid of that pain and uncomfort. Well now I could walk to and inside the store without any pain! What an awesome plant and medicine!) I guess my ancestors weren't at all stupid.

I got all kinds of great stuff at Whole Foods including some Aloe Vera juice, Fish oil (w/out mercury), stuff that had no gluten, soy, or dairy. Maybe diet can help me and perhaps this others stuff can help regenerate my intestines. I told the cashier of my hopes and dreams that I will cure myself one day. After she had bagged up my groceries, she walked around the counter and told me that she just had to give me a hug, so she gave me a good solid hug. It was very sweet. Here's to hope!)

When I got home, my dear sweet husband had fixed the water heater (actually he bought a new one and a friend of his helped him install it). Yeah! We have hot water!)

Feeling better & meeting with doctor...

That hot stone massage really proved to be a miracle in that the abdominal pain in my stomach slowly disappeared through out the week and my back and muscles are still feeling relaxed. Wow! Was that the best massage I have ever had? I really think it is!)

I had my yoga class on Wednesday and I had no problems with any of the exercises. I felt more limber and balanced and I know that too was due to that wonderful massage Aerial Ascher gave me on Sunday.

So what's next? Well I went to see my doctor today and he examined my abdomen for further complications and to see if there was much improvement. For now we are just going to enjoy every God given day I am provided with where I get to go pee and poo. It's the truth!)

NOTE: This is definitely not me, but kinda sorta where my tumor is located only I don't have any ovaries, omentum, fallopian tubes, etc. I'm more spayed than my dog!)

The tumor that is located just inside my abdominal wall and could very well grow and eventually obstruct my bowels once again and it would need to be removed but the problems with me is that this is an extremely risky surgery. It may need to be performed in the near future; we don't know when but intend on prolonging that as long as possible. He explained to us the consequences of having another abdominal surgery in the future and the certainty that I will need a stoma or a colostomy bag. This would be permanent because of the damage done to my bowels. I like anyone asked if there was such thing as an intestinal transpant or from a donor or man made.

Not sure which type of stoma I would get; one type is an iliostomy which disposes of digested food and the other fecal matter (colostomy bag). I wouldn't get the nutrition that I needed so I do plan to try my very best to get as healthy as I possibly can. It's so incredibly scary to think about and how I wished I had normal problems just like everyone else; oh, wait I do on top of all of this. I just don't focus on those other problems nearly as much. I just wish to live a happy life with my soul mate and of course I am; right now!)

That's exactly what I'm doing; is living for right now. It's all I can do and I can't just live in fear of the inevitable. I can still be active with one of those contraptions but in all reality of what I am facing is living with this terminal disease. I can still live; don't get me wrong and that I will!)

My doctor wants to do this type of scan where it takes about 8 hours to perform and this scanner is able to photograph multiple photographs of this solution that I will need to drink all day (no food or water and I'm getting pretty used to that). This scan will record with photographs all the processes for which my body deals with food and or stuff that I intake. It should be quite fascinating; however he is suspecting that my intestines are incredibly fragile and once I am opened up it might be it for them. They are closing in somehow or narrowing which evidently happens to lots of patients who have survived the recurrent cancer for as long as I have. We have had many who have survived for as long as 9 years and a patient with stage 2 alive much longer.

God it just gets me how incredibly deadly this disease is that I am dealing with. I need a miracle and lots of prayers and I just have faith in my heart that I WILL get through this. I have to get my intestines stronger. I will research and there has to be a way to get my intestines stronger and more resilient. It doesn't hurt to try because I know it does to not try:)

After the doctor appointment, my husband took a nap and I left to go to the AT&T store to get my phone working correctly and to get my mother's new phone (my old phone) working before I send her a care package. I included all kinds of great teas (green, ginger, black, and white teas), vitamins, popcorn, and more. Everything to make my mom feel good because I know she has been feeling very depressed about my state of being. I try my best to be as upbeat as I can with her and not to worry her.

My mother does suffer from severe depression which is another thing that I have in connection to our President. His own mother also suffered from severe depression. She could never be happy in one place and seemed to always be looking for happiness which unfortunately many people actually do instead of just enjoying the ride. It's right now is where your happiness is and it is a choice. You can either complain and feel sorry for yourself or you can just do your best and I always count my day in how many people I can get to smile or laugh.

I am very, very scared of my future, but that doesn't stop me from attempting to enjoy every moment that I can whether it's laughing at myself, my husband, having fun with my dog, talking to my friends or family or just writing right here, right now.

Sorry I got off the subject. Anyway, I'm sending my mom this phone and care package tomorrow morning. Miss Blue Belle got to hang out with me at the phone store and many employees did not even know she was there the entire 40 minutes it took to deal with SIM cards, multiple phones lines on my account, what phones for which, and getting all my phone numbers into my new phone. As she was walking out with me, that's when she drew a small crowd of smiles and pets.

I got home and my husband had freaked out because he awoke at 6:30pm thinking he had to hurry and get ready for work. Mass confusion and of course laughter!

An hour later, a good friend of mine stopped by to see me and she shared her problems with me and we also got a good cry out which you really have to do every once in a while. We got to soak in the hot tub and relaxed. We talked about all kinds of things and how I plan to research making my intestines stronger, more resilient, and perhaps they can improve and perhaps I can even focus more energy on killing that dam tumor and that darn cancer in my body that is supposedly growing inside me. Could this be possible? There really has to be a cure. We got back to the house and watched the rest of the Sharks game and also tried to figure out my new iPhone. Yeah, just got one and hope it can help stimulate my chemo brain.

My husband arrived shortly after the game and we all got to talk, and of course laugh right before she left to go home. I went to bed shortly after and then at midnight was awakened by my husband. The water heater had just bursted, water was leaking everywhere, in the walls (or so we thought). It was 12:30am and we needed to call our dear sweet neighbor Nick to help us shut off the water and to try to turn some bolts (I don't understand those things as well), we got everything shut off and then we turned on the water (not the hot water of course). I was wishing that today had been the day I was to wash my hair because I wasn't all looking forward to washing my hair in the sink with cold, cold, water.

On to choose to enjoy another day!)

A Hot Stone Massage

I awoke this morning with the worst diarrhea from all that I had taken the night before to get myself unblocked. My abdomen still hurt but at least things were starting to come out.

The cool thing is that we did not have to cancel our massage. We finally got to use our gift certificate for our couples 75 minutes hot stone massage. We both felt it wasn't long enough but over all it felt great.

I had never gotten a hot stone massage before and wow! It was a very spiritual experience in that the massage therapist I had, had a connection to me in that she was massaging my abdominal region and could somehow feel the pain I was in. I must have cringed somehow but she felt it and I immediately knew of that connection. My massage therapist was Aerial Ascher at the Roman Paradigm massage near Santana Row. I could still feel that pain in that same area while I was getting that massage, but as the day wore on, the pain slowly dissipated also after I ate a much loved brownie. .

What was very cool about this massage was how relaxing it was to feel the hot stones hit pressure points on my body as she moved them in ways that broke many of the knots that I had felt in my back. It just felt so amazing!

Somehow eating that brownie made with cannabis oil several hours after the massage had caused me to become very thirsty and it even intensified the massage after the massage.

I focused on my breathing so intensely that the singes of pain in my abdomen completely disappeared. I lay in bed with my husband feeling the massage and those hot stones on various points of my body. It felt so wonderful even after the fact? Wow!

Even hours after the massage and into the night I could somehow feel those hot stones in areas where the stones had been rubbed and/or placed. When ever I did awake; I awoke comfortably. All of those knots of pain in my back and shoulders were gone! Normally, when I do awake in the middle of the night, I feel some pain in my shoulders and neck and this time; I felt nothing but stress free and pain free! What a miracle! I was sleeping like a baby in the arms of my love (my husband). That won't be the last one I get! I'm hooked now!

Singes of pain....

This morning I awoke to some extremely sharp pains in that same spot as before where I got hospitalized (left side where tumor implant was removed in 2005).

I have enough antibiotics for 2 days (today and tomorrow). I had to have my doctor appointment rescheduled because I had forgotten that I had the doctor appointment and of course 2 days later I am having some more problems.

Today has been a painful day but nothing a little cannabis could not get rid of.

My stomach swelled later this evening to the point that I looked as if I were 6 months pregnant. For right now, we are playing the waiting game in order to watch my temperature and if the pain passes the threshold 6 (its at 5 right now). It is scary and I really hope my massage won't have to be rescheduled and that I won't have to be cut open for my number 5 surgery.

Its so scary to be scared like this and I do try to get my mind off the pain and have been doubling up on the Miralax, Prune Juice, and what ever else I can do in order to get through this abdominal block.

I don't have gas which is another thing to be concerned about and thank god for the cannabis. Its all I can do for the pain right now as it is very uncomfortable to have to deal with. The cannabis has enabled me to drink more of my prune juice mixture, the Ensures, and has even alleviated the pain enough so that I can comfortably try some yoga moves and stretches in order to get my intestines moving again. Of course it does not have those side effects of causing constipation.

This age old medicine still works great even though financial interests have made it illegal by the Federal Government for me to use; not because it is a deadly drug of course and it is not in the slightest; but because me using this plant makes me not need to purchase medicine which doesn't work at all for me.

It's really funny what money can do for people and the draconian drug laws which ruin so many innocent lives. I really hope that this changes soon because I don't feel that I hurt anyone by alleviating this painful abdominal pain. My doctor completely approves; we are just prolonging my life for right now and its working.

I also ate some brownies that a dear friend made for me with some Cannabis oil which actually did wonders for getting rid of the pain and it also helped me to sleep soundly. I laughed quite a bit but that was about the most dangerous thing I felt like doing to myself. I just couldn't control the laughter at some points of the evening. I was able to get to sleep and so far so good. Fingers are crossed for right now that I won't have to get the Hot Stone Massage canceled just yet.

Laughing at my sweet, sweet dog!

I just finished my first week at work and I'm very proud of myself. I had felt so guilty for having to miss another 2 weeks of work but I really couldn't help it. It just felt good to be able to accomplish at least this. Tuesday, a new President, then on Wednesday, I got to go ice skating during my lunch break which felt absolutely exhilarating. We only skated maybe 20-30 minutes, but the little bit of time we did spend skating was enough to energize me for the rest of the work day! To top it off, later that same day, I had my first Yoga class and let me tell you, it felt absolutely wonderful and really good for my soul.

In the beginning of the yoga class I was unable to get a deep breath into my diaphragm mostly because of my injury to my abdomen caused by the Avastin. It was frustrating but I felt the need to speak up when the teacher asked if everyone was able to get a deep breath. I kept trying through out the class to try to breath correctly and each time it seemed to take so much effort to do.

At least this being the first class also meant it would more than likely be the easiest of all the classes. Towards the end of the hour, we all lied on our backs and tryed to get more deep breaths; breathing in through our nose and then breath out with our mouth. I tried to imagine Blue Belle breathing in as I tried more and more to get the breath all the way in. Finally, towards the end of class; I watched as my stomach swelled with my breath; I had done it! I got my deep breath in!)

As the week wore on, I could almost feel myself getting stronger and stronger everyday even though I have only gained maybe 2 lbs since I got out of the hospital. I'm not able to eat too complex foods, but I was able to handle eating some South Indian Food on Thursday. The South Indian Food (North Indian is way too spicy for me) I was able to eat was mostly cooked and stewed vegetables which made it much easier for me to digest completely. My stomach actually felt great after eating as if this was finally something my system can work with!

Cute Blue Belle Story

When I got home from work today, I was just starting to feel the intense pain of that tumor implant area again. I was feeling really worried and bummed because it was intense pain. I actually thought I was getting better and now this. I tried my best not to worry about the pain and to get my mind off of it. I decided to try out a piece of brownie to see if this could help get rid of my pain. Just as the brownie was just starting to take effect, I had to take Miss Blue Belle out even though it was starting to hurt me just to walk.

Now most of you know just how Blue Belle really is a good, good girl, she passed a very sacred test for me tonight when I took her out for her 8ish pottie break.

Since it has been raining a lot; our front door has been sticking quite a bit so I decided to avoid going out the front door and just went out through the back and out the garage door. We walked out the garage the door and Miss Blue Belle went for the area where she always likes to squat down to pee. We were so focused on getting her out to pee that I forgot to close the garage door as we continued to walk around the complex. I then remembered that I forgot to close it so I immediately headed back within range to close it with my remote.

Since we live so close to the street, sometimes people on the street like to look for open garage doors in which to enter (at least according to the police blotter). Yes, its wise not to trust just anyone because break ins unfortunately happen in this neighborhood sometimes. Don't get me wrong; I do have some wonderful neighbors and we still have some drug problems around here and some gangs (maybe a block or two away).

When I closed the garage door, I didn't think anything of it and just headed back as if Blue Belle were following me. I walked around the pool and then once I got to the area where she normally likes to go number 2; she was no where to be seen.

One of my neighbors in the complex was walking around the corner and could tell the worry in my face. He knew of all my health problems and this was something I could have easily done with out. I told him I could not find Blue Belle. We both started looking and I didn't want to yell out her name and to worry others inside their homes (it was dark and just before 9pm). No I don't live in the country and I respect my neighbors' sanctity. My neighbor asked m if Blue Belle had ever ran away and of course she has never done this and we both thought perhaps she had decided to chase a squirrel or a cat; I guess I thought that could be possible. After a little while, he continued on to the hot tub for his soak and asked that I please let him know when I do find her.

I walked back to my garage and there sat Miss Blue Belle as if I had told her to sit and to stay. She was very patiently sitting there waiting for me to say "OK" for her to continue with me. Yes, she was waiting to hear that release word so she stayed. Perhaps she thought she heard "sit" and "stay" when the garage door was closing. I immediately started laughing and I went over to tell my neighbor that I had found her. We both cracked up as he told me in disbelief how loyal and obedient Miss Blue Belle is.

Now to enjoy all the best parts of Friday!)

A Day in History...

Today was my first day back at work and of course today we also got a brand new president; one we can really be proud of and even inspired by. I know this because I honestly am very, very proud of him and he has really inspired me. I now know that anything can be possible; even a cure for cancer!) I have so much hope in my heart that he is finally going to do good for the rest of us; not just the extremely wealthy, but the rest of us.
What can I say, I'm proud to be an American right now!)

I feel just like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders because I have to admit that I have been worrying about so many who are not doing so well right now; some are loosing their homes, their jobs, not having any affordable health care (even those who are diagnosed with serious diseases), seniors who are living without so much (while they have lived a full life, they still have to struggle for the rest of their lives), while the rich keep getting richer and the poor keep getting poorer.

We really need hope right now (fear just doesn't cut it) that things will get better for all of us. I know I should be worrying about my own health, but I just can't help but worry about others too.

I do feel incredibly privileged that I have survived this long with this horrible disease and that I actually got to witness history in the making; something that I thought I would never ever see in my lifetime. It just seemed so impossible. We even had our first woman running for President and she did incredibly well, although now we have an African American for our President and of course I did not just vote for him because of his skin color; that had absolutely nothing to do with why I voted for him; honestly. So many feel that most of us voted for him just because of his skin color.

I honestly really admired this young man immensely; mostly because of his strength and his inspiration. He worked hard and he put himself through school himself and he even graduated at the top of his class. That is something that I can really relate to and appreciate. There is nothing wrong with loving parents who put their children through school and college but it really says a lot about character when that child doesn't have those resources and utilizes what most usually don't care to.

I watched what could have been a serious struggle in watching so many who are unable to embrace change; they just continue to be racist with out even knowing what is in someone's heart. How can anyone live through life, feel good about themselves when they are unable to listen or just give someone else a chance?

Is this other person's life even worth giving them a chance? That's exactly how I look at it. How could anyone not give someone a chance because of their appearance and not even listening to what this person has to say? What if they teach you something important about life that you never knew? What if you have more in common with this person than you ever could have imagined? What if this person really is a good person and helps save lives, or helps others who really do need it, or just has a very incredibly interesting life? Heart and Soul.

OK, enough with the politics. Honestly how am I doing right now and how is it for me being back at work? Am I actually stronger just 1 week ago today being released from the hospital?

Well, I still feel great even though I am kinda sorta not able to fully eat a real diet. I'm still doing soups, protein shakes, Ensures; trying to squeeze in some foods like steamed veggies, a sandwich, a piece of a brownie or a cookie (I tried).

I am blessed to have the strength that I was able to go on a long walk around the Bay and that was such a gift! It was such a beautiful day (77 degrees) and to not be able to drink coffee was no big deal because that walk was all the I needed to wake up. (yeah I was feeling like a nap towards the middle of the day). I am still weak from loosing some weight and not being able to eat fully but I'm not suffering in pain. I do have to break down my meals but in all my system seems to be working more and more each day.

It was cool that I got to go to the bathroom at least 30-40 times through out the day (that's what a liquid diet will do for you). Hey at least I was going! I sure know what its like to not be able to go!)

Now loosing weight does have its advantages and being skinny and trying on tiny clothes that actually fit? Wow! There are some downsides to being too skinny. My butt fell down and right now its having problems getting back where it was, and oh my tits too! Don't get me started. I do love my body no matter what; its gotten me this far and I just can't not love it even though I get disappointed sometimes over my health. I do have plenty of good days and yes today was a good day!

Now I did try on most of my pants and many unfortunately look as if I have a number 2 (poopie) hanging in the back there. It really looks like Frumpity, frump, frump, frump, frump!)

Don't get me wrong, I love to go number 2 and it's a great day if do and yeah today was a very good day for me in that department! It's a different thing if you wear pants that make you look as if you have a load going on back there. Go ahead and laugh at these. I did find some pants to wear and they barely fit. This is just 1 pair to give you an example.

I have been on this yo yo diet for a few years now and I literally go through all of the sizes from size 12 down to size 1. Well now I am about a size 2 or 3; pretty tiny for someone as large boned as myself. I look much better with meat on bones, but you really have to pay attention and try not to wear pants that make your butt look like you have some poopie just hanging around back there. Not a good look but at least I can laugh at my poopie pants!) I have 9 pairs of poopie pants right now and even a pair of brown ones!)

I just have 1 more day to find some pants that fit and on Friday, I already have some great jeans that actually fit pretty good for right now (at least when they come out of the dryer). Real skinny pants and I'm washing those tonight!

I also have Yoga class tomorrow for which I am very excited about. I will update as soon as I can on how that goes!)

A bike ride and long walks...

Life for me outside of the hospital has been everything a miracle is meant to be. I actually feel as if I survived quite possibly the impossible; once again!). It's a miracle to be alive and it's also quite the miracle that I didn't have to have another surgery just yet!

To say that I am grateful to be out and to get this second chance is a major understatement. I have to be honest; I was actually puzzled being in there possibly facing another major abdominal surgery. It was shocking to hear that I might need to be opened up once again. This was much more different than the usual abdominal blockages which are most often fixed with the good old roto rooter method. It was so scary to hear that I might actually need that surgery, but it was so soothing to hear that I made it through with out needing one for right now. I know I have said this hundreds of times, but my key to life is right now and how very grateful I am to have all of these moments.

I don't like to reflect too much in the past, but sometimes I can't help it. Reflecting on this hospital experience has been incredibly surreal and I'm thankful to have made it out. I was actually worried for just a little while that my dreams of having a home in the woods where where I could actually rescue horses or other animals in need wouldn't come true and that may be heaven for me would be that Thomas Kincade painting of a house in the woods away from most civilization; in nature. This is the image I saw of my dream house where I could rescue horses formally in the HRT business. What a dream that is and I can wish that one day it will come true.

We always long for more in life and I'm happy anyway just being able to experience more fun with my husband, friends and family. I will still have those dreams of us living out on range together and away from the city life and the peaceful country life on the farm.

On Saturday, my husband and I went on bike ride on his Dyna Street Bob and his good friend had just gotten his custom Harley Sportster. Not sure what kind but it looked more like a racing bike than what most Harley's appear like.

We had a nice soothing ride up Hwy 9 into Ben Lomand. It just felt great & incredibly exhilarating to be outside in the wonderful weather and to feel the wind hitting my face while looking all around me.

I even saw some nice peaceful little farms with horses, goats, and even cattle where it would be an absolute heaven to live. It really was a gorgeous ride as we get to go on another ride on Monday (the day before we get a real President).

We got home a little after 5:30pm and I was already tired for a nap. I haven't been getting frustrated at myself anymore for getting tired easily and am mostly grateful that my body is able to handle doing a few fun things through out the day. I do get tired closer to the end of the day but I am still very, very grateful to be able to climb into my own bed for a peaceful nap.

One thing that has been helping me with stress is avoiding the news. I made a pact not to watch the news this week and to just focus on getting better. Life really does go on and we have to cherish what we have right now without worrying for the sake of worrying.

I am also very thankful to have the strength to be able to go outside and to take my beloved dog on a walk. What a gift! Whewhooo! No more chemo for right now!

HEALTH UPDATE: So how am I feeling? Well, my bowels are still kinda sorta working and I am able to eat some things but not without some sort of pain sad to say. At least I'm alive and I'm not in the hospital! The first 3 days out of the hospital was a bit nerve wracking in that I wasn't able to go to the bathroom; so I laid off eating anything solid until I went. I doubled up on the Miralax and from then on it was just Ensures and more fluids. We even called the doctor to see what else to do.

Finally day four, I was able to go and go i did! Lately, I have been getting lots of heart burn when ever I do eat anything; even if its just soup. I'm still on antibiotics; avoiding dairy products, no coffee, no complex items to digest, trying to stay out of direct sunlight, skin and bones (123lbs) and more. I still do my yoga twice a day to help aid in digestion and every once in a while if the pain gets to be too much, I utilize my vaporizer which always tends to work in these situations and thank god for that natural plant and that I'm in CA!).

I have go to see my doctor on Thursday to see how our progress and or next steps will be. We will see!)

A Beautiful Soldier Moment...

It's been great to be out of the hospital and to be able to enjoy this freedom (of not being hooked to IVs & beds) and most of all this unusually warm spring weather!

I love my little neighborhood in West San Jose where I am able to go on a short walk with my beautiful sweet dog across the street to what I ever I may need. Sometimes I will take Miss Blue Belle across the street over to Starbuck's where she sits just outside awaiting my return so patiently.

She knows and people around are amazed at her beauty and how good she is to just sit there outside and wait for me patiently. I then went inside to order my husband a coffee (I get a chai tea) and then as I am walking outside I notice this large brave soldier all dressed in his military camouflage. He is so young as I feel he is young enough to be my own son so I felt his presence to be that of an angel. He appears to be enjoying every second of love that Blue Belle has to give him and then he kindly thanks me for the moment and walks inside to get his coffee. I felt incredibly patriotic that my dog was able to cheer up that young soldier before he leaves for where he needs to go.

I wished I had brought along my camera because that was a very magical moment. I know for a fact this soldier would not have minded getting his photo shot! She was providing the neighborhood a service. Love to a soldier! I hope I see that soldier again and am provided that opportunity. I realize how nice it is to be out of the hospital just to enjoy little moments such as these!

We walked home and then noticed this bouquet of flowers just outside my door! What a beautiful bouquet! The love that's around me! Here is a collection of all the flowers I have received since being in the hospital. I hope I can keep the plant ones alive!

My days have been consisting of getting outside to get a few errands completed here and there and I was even able to go to the hospital to get my disability papers filed. Oh, that again!

It's just for a couple of hours and then I got to go home to sleep a few hours more!) I'm getting the rest I need and of course being able to go outside and enjoy the bright sunshine!) The journey of healing!)