My Awesome Husband Saga Continues....

I'm going to tell you all the most amazing true story about what my husband did for me this week and of course one good friend who helped us.    Yeah it could suck to be me if I didn't have such a bad ass husband by my side to slay some cancer ass if we can!  We always have hope and I'm also very aware of what we are facing as we enjoy every waking moment we can with each other.   I'm so freaking thankful that his job is allowing for him to be so passionate enough to take such great care of me.  He's better than  most of the nurses and I trust him a lot more in helping with so much that he does.    I can't help but gush about how wonderful my husband is to me as I survive what seems to be the most impossible.   How can I just be walking around on such skinny little match stick legs?  How can I still be alive with this big huge knot looking thing on my right shoulder or have such crazy looking  medical devices just making room in the shrinking body?  Life really is a miracle for me as I go from one part of life to the next life.   His undying love for me never stops a beat and it always makes me smile from the gut of my cancer ridden stomach to the smile that he  creates on my face!)  Of course he always makes me laugh and I always knew I would marry the first man who could really make me laugh and of course tell me the best stories.    He just has this way about him and I'm positive there are hundreds more who swear by him; he is one of those rare men that you don't find just everyday.  Once you have him a friend; you have him for life; I could never be attracted to anyone else which will make waiting on the other side all more harder.

I guess it was about Tuesday the day before when I got a phone call that I needed to go in the next day (Wednesday) to get my pain pump  refilled; well we've been getting the most amazing rain storm and the temperature has been very cold; perfect I would say if only I had the strength and meat on my bones to sustain me enough to go snowboarding;  OMG! would that be so freaking awesome!  so yes all this beautiful wonderful rain has been killing me; I've been dreaming of snowboarding quite a bit of course.  I hope all the people out there are having a blast!  Anyway, I told my honey immediately that we needed to fill my pain pump and I was kind of worried that this might kink up some plans, but no he made it all work!).   He was on the ball and how very proud of him I am. for that; I don't think I could ever expect any less of him.   I feel that every woman  fighting this monster called cancer needs a Jimmy!  The world would be so much better!  I hope there are many other women out there who also have their Jimmy's because suffering with this disease  alone is nearly impossible; there really are lots of heroes out there fighting cancer along side us that we need not leave out or forget about and I know I'm not the only one!  

I'm actually in awww of my knight in shining armor as tears are flowing down my face when I say this so proudly; he really had the day so well planned.   I could so nothing but smile and giggle at the cute things he does for me.  It's so sweet!)   He had called  a close friend of ours  to  come pick us up and drop us off at the convenient front entrance where he could wheel me up to the 4th floor.  I was actually very sick on Wednesday and I was not at all feeling good.   I had my puke bag ready and we we had been panicking some that I might end up in ER if I couldn't get the puking down; we have been trying everything suggested  for my nausea and sometimes nothing works and then I just grabbed a bud and put it in my water pipe and smoked it (OK this was before we left for the hospital; just like a chemo brain thinks; the order of things get mixed up sometimes!)

My honey was planning to find a wheelchair  in order to wheel me up to the 4th floor where  he could first meet up with his point of contract (I can't use names and must keep anonymity  for these helpful souls at the hospital; I love them all so dearly for what they do for us  and would never endanger them for helping me survive this disease those extra days.  I'm always grateful for more time and I'm getting it right now.   Anyway, my honey waited first with me until his point of contract met us with us so that he could drop me off to the  pharmacy to pick up my heavy duty pain medications which I was running low on.   Actually he sat and waited with me until his point of contact (an incredible male nurse supervisor?) who always manages my pain pump; it really is a new thing and many know nothing about my weird internal contraption so it's important to have all the right people there when my pain pump is ready to be serviced like this.  I only waited maybe 5 minutes, when his point of contact arrived to take me downstairs to where I would get my pump refilled and even turned up some so that I wouldn't have to endure much more of the Dilaudid.

In a strange irony I was not yet thinking of ditching using them as I thought more and more about the horrid tastes I have  had to put up with us with further and makes me gag just thinking about it? I've been getting so sick and tired of having to deal with killing the horrid taste of the Methadone with pickles that were actually tearing the living shit out of my gut.   Since I had to get a refill in the pharmacy of pain medications anyway (see I have to use Pharmaceutical Drugs to  help as I have been cut open a total of 7 times and no one can convince me that with this crazy shitty cancer growing inside me for going on 6 years of this 8 years battle  of being cut open and stapled back together; how much more can a human life  take of this?   I have faced the reality of knowing that I can't survive this comfortably with out pain medication; it would be cruel and unusual to make me suffer that way; but why are we allowing those in other states to suffer needlessly?

Medical marijuana is also helping me curb the nausea which is totally unreal.  It takes certain strains and I'm grateful my friend just found the right one.  It's working for right now.  Everyday is a new day for me.   I'm still trying to find that out; it's kind of my life experiment?  Pretty fascinating I hope?  I like to think that I don't go through these sort of things for nothing?   Well while I was being set up for my pump refill , my sweet honey was down in the pharmacy picking up my pain medications.   Now he had even coordinated this move which used to take him a total of 2 hours and irritating to have to do twice a month since they wouldn't dare give us more than a 2 week supply most of the time.  I actually don't have that addictive personality but yes some drugs do hook people in a horrible way just going cold turkey and I found that out when I got my pain pump inserted and had to deal with Fentanol withdrawal which was not fun.      My sweetie got me through that ordeal too!  He makes feel so much stronger!  I am one lucky woman to have such a man!

Well the last couple of months of being on hospice care has been much better.   So back to my internal pain pump refill; my honey had just refilled my pain medications and in an instant he was already there in time for them to stick the needle into my tummy in order to fill up my pain pump.  I reached behind me for his warm hand to hold and he grabbed my hand just as I was about to start screaming from the size of the needle.  Yes, needles still terrify the living shit out of me! OMG!   I have no idea why that needle makes me cringe and cry each time but he grabbed my hand and made it all better!)    I was so happy my pain doctor even came down to check on me and was able to accommodate turning up the pump so I that I might be able to cut down on the Dilaudid.   

We were practically in and out of the hospital with everything we needed in less than 20-25 minutes!  He even refilled prescriptions and most importantly; we got my  intrathecal pain pump (huge Skoal Can on my Tummy) refilled.   My honey helped me into a wheelchair and  then he wheeled me right down the hall to  the front waiting area where our ride was waiting.  He helped me into the car from the wheelchair and we were on our way; we made it home in no time.   I know I should just take that shit for granted; but I just can't; I appreciate all that he is to me and am grateful for such a wonderful man.

I was a little panic stricken over how I would manage my pain control since I was not down with taking oral Methadone (it has the most putrid taste ever and I can't get rid of that taste in my mouth unless I eat pickle which are overly acidic in my poor little unworking tummy.  My tummy is basically a general holding area for puke because if anything does make it to my tummy; it's right to the puke bowl in about 5-15 minutes.   It sucks and boy does it get tiring I'm sure of listening to that nastiness.

My honey has another friend who is also in my similar situation; he  too has a sweet wife whom he takes very good care of and he  loves her  dearly; she needs his help in her life and its so sad to think of her loosing him and I hope and pray she has many more  family and friends who can  help take care of her; yes there are always those in far worse situations than you ever thought that you would be in.  In life you can either take the position of a victim (which is quite annoying I must say! = just my humble opinion)  or you can try to conquer what you can; do your best!   Work with your partner which I love doing each day!  He makes my life the best!  He rules!    and it does prove that you really do need lots of love to get through a Cancer Diagnosis; hell we all need it in life. 

Alright back to my awesome husband. We are talking about our friends; they  are dealing with what they have to deal with as well.  His friend was also not down with taking either of those oral nasty liquid medications; they had burned his throat to no end and were more than likely doing the same for me.  My throat always burns and I always have the worst heart burn every.   He too was prescribed the exact same pain medications that I have prescribed for me. You can't quit cold turkey on the Methadone because I think it takes like 24 hours for you to relapse and to seriously have the worst pain ever and then have to deal with trying to catch up on the pain you could possibly suffer from being eaten alive by cancer.  I was facing having to deal with severe cramping from the cancer  pain and scar tissues from ALL those surgeries that  I  have had.

I have also  had enough of the Methadone and of course that horrid, horrid, taste; oh and freaking out when the actual medicine makes it on top of taste bud; then panicking to  try hard to stuff a pickle in my mouth fast enough to in order to get rid of that taste; ewww that taste;  it makes me  yack just thinking about it!(   Oh it doesn't even stop there,   I'm also puking up pickles which really didn't feel so good coming back up and they do have this funny taste when they come back up.  I almost felt like a cow chewing cudd and regurgitating?

  I just could not stomach any more of that Methadone .  There was no way in hell I was going to take it again; so I refused and was now going to take my chances on quitting cold turkey.   I couldn't put that shit in my mouth again.  My honey called the hospice nurse the following day  to let her know of my stubborn ways; that's OK to be that way; you can only take so much in life.    I actually couldn't stomach either one of them.  The Dilaudid is so incredibly overly sweet and chemically tasting like cold medicine? It's sweet in a nauseating kind of way!  Imagine having to take cold medicine every single day; every hour on the hour sometimes; of course I couldn't do that; 8 doses has been my max I believe.  I have had lots of painful days to deal with; that's makes it hard for me sometimes to do anything but veg out on the couch.  Despite all this; one man makes me more than happy to keep on trugging through this!  Oh how I love him is such an understatement!

Anyway, my hospice nurse came up with the most brilliant solution ever; actually my honey figured out the perfect way to administer my nasty ass Methadone; through my G-Tube!  Yeah!  I didn't know we could even do this but he can give it to me in less than 1 minute.  Since my G-Tube has been mostly for decompression I have to sit still for about 20 minutes and try my best not to drink anything.  He gets a syringe and unscrews part of my G-Tube and then screws it back in after he gives me my prescribed dose and then he amazingly uses another large syringe with just enough water to wash it into my tummy and the rest has been history!    I'm not suffering in nearly the pain I had been and only wish I had been doing this all along! Wish we could do the same for the Dilaudid?  We will see.  For now I'm happy see more of these wonderful rainy days where I can day dream about our fun adventures that we have had together! and we have had a lot!


I also feel that music can help so many of us to heal.  Just turning off the TV and listening to music can improve your mood significantly.  Watching some of this worthless crap on TV can make you dummer, maybe a little psychotic, some even wanting to murder others; how could anyone put shit on TV to make people hate one another?  How can they live with themselves selling their soul like that?; especially many of those news programs; don't ever believe everything you hear and always question the source.   It sucks that more and more dishonesty is coming out in journalism?   It just takes a buck to change a fact? That's just the way it is.  Look at all those insurance commercials; we aren't paying for more coverage; we are paying for total annoyance ;all those worthless, monotonous ads on TV that are intrusive, loud, and totally obnoxious.  Turn that shit off and Listen to some good music instead of lies!  Rock out!
Peace and Love to all of you!

Extreme Temperatures in San Jose today.....

What I love most about my blog is that I feel as if I am giving everyone who reads an opportunity to walk in my shoes and to feel what it might be like to have cancer; to have that will to live and to fight proudly and to know that life indeed goes on. Yes, there are also those moments of feeling hopeless and horrible too, but it's all the reality of living with cancer. It doesn't do any good for me to feel sorry for myself and I hope none of you do for me or for yourself. I still have a lot of great things in my life that I appreciate more than anything and so much to look forward to. I love more than anything to help change the lives of others by encouraging them to enjoy their lives and to not take anything for granted. We never know what each day will bring us; I certainly don't. My life is extremely unpredictable.

I treasure each day I am at home (not in the hospital) or just waking up in my bed next to the hottest man in the whole universe; I love his smell and his presence more than anything. That's how I see him; he is the hottest and I'm so happy to wake up next to him each morning; what a blessing!) I am still struggling with my lack of a sex drive and hope that I can find something that can help to bring it back.

See when ever I write things like that; I get these stupid comments from spammers that encourage me to try these magical herbal pills that promise to increase the size of my dick and to make me last longer. It's completely and totally shocking to get these types of comments and I always think "how completely and totally insensitive these people must be to not know that I am not a male." I may lack the female organs; but I have never gained any organs after all of that; I assure you! I had a complete and total hysterectomy and not a sex change at all. I'm still a female. Well I will just have to delete those. SPAMMERS out there; I do not wish to increase the size of my dick; it's completely and totally unnecessary! I had all of my FEMALE organs removed and I bet if I had one of those; it very well would have been removed as well. My vaporizer sometimes works for that problem (lack of a sex drive) and I really need to take advantage of it and use it more than I do. I just get lazy sometimes. It hasn't been turned on in months and is currently collecting dust upstairs.

Yesterday morning my honey and I had a little spat but it upset me that he had to hurry and leave for work that we didn't get to make up (we did get to tell each other "I love you!") before he left. I was crying for part of the day and I got really depressed and for the first time ever, I had some pretty mortal thoughts of giving up because I felt so bad that my honey is giving up so much to be with me and that he deserves so much better. I felt guilty (well I do have to admit I feel guilty sometimes for what seems like making his life a living hell). I never felt like a burden like this before and sometimes having to take care of me can be very stressful for him. It was just a temporary thought but it haunted me like nothing else; I couldn't stop crying from thinking that way even though I didn't mean it. It was just a thought but I hate that it came to mind anyway. The mortal thought that I had was that maybe I should just go home and live with my mother, brother, or even father in order to go home and die (I would loose my health insurance in the process) so that my husband can finally live his life normally; he could find a better woman that doesn't have my extreme health problems, he wouldn't have to worry about taking care of me anymore, he could take off and not have to worry about coming home at a certain time to hook me up and so much more. I felt guilty that I am sometimes unable to please my husband sexually and that he would have made a wonderful father (better than many) and sometimes I feel that I robbed him of that opportunity.

He has to work everyday and he seems always stressed about me and my health all the time and still continues to work. Sometimes I suffer in horrible pains and I cry from the pain and it just tears him up to hear me suffering and he can't do anything to help relieve the pain.

I try not to be in pain like that but sometimes I forget to take the pain medications when the pain starts up (another chemo brain thing) My chemo brain can make me forgetful when I am doing things and sometimes it's like a blank page; I forget to close cabinet doors and sometimes leave things out and forget to put things away or clean up certain things. I get sidetracked while doing other things; sometimes it can be a phone call or one of my pets distracting me and this drives him crazy too; but sometimes I will start things and forget to finish them. It was all the little things that annoy my husband that I do and that his life is a constant worry; he never gets to go anywhere or do anything because of me that caused the spat. I think he was mostly just venting and letting his feelings out and I took it way too personally. I'm too sensitive sometimes.

I was feeling pretty worthless for the beginning of that day and then I started having a full blown anxiety attack just thinking this way and little Blue Belle could certainly sense it. She came over to me and started licking my legs and then my face. It completely surprised me that I started laughing at her as I petted her soft fur.

Then all of a sudden I looked over in the corner of the room and noticed Tonto making biscuits on the huge stuffed Lab that my neighbor had got me when I got out of the hospital. He was doing it with such great force that the front end of the dog started moving up and down and then Blue Belle got upset and started barking at the huge stuffed dog. I burst out laughing because it was so hillarious. It was as if the two of them tag teamed to cheer me up. I got out of that depressive mode and started thinking of all the good things that I do for my husband and that there is no way this man is ever going to give up on me; all the times that he has told me that he loves me no matter what. I was right; he got home at lunchtime and gave me a huge hug and apologized for his behavior that morning. He was very, very sorry. I was so happy that I was crying in his arms when he said that and since we are always honest with one another I told him about that mortal thought I was thinking about and he hugged me even more and told me; "I'm not a quitter and you are not either, you won't have insurance; you have to stay and I can't make it with out you, I need you more than anything in this world. Don't ever think that and you are never going to do that; we are not going to give up; ever!" He had to remind me of our wedding vows and that he meant them and takes them to heart. It was just what I needed to hear. He also told me he never cared to have any kids of his own; we don't have it in the cards so we can just move on from that. We are too old to anyway. We can have fun in other ways and we have this wonderful Peace Dog that brings Peace where ever she goes and a very hillarious Anti-Cat that just doesn't act that much like a cat.

Our make-up sessions are so beautiful and sweet and often the spat will be a result of misunderstandings and built up stress. Making up is really the very best feeling!) I was so glad to be over that hump of feeling like a total worthless shit. I'm sure other Cancer patients have those moments where they get to a point where they feel like giving up or feel hopeless. I didn't want to; I just didn't like the thought of making the man that I love miserable when he doesn't deserve it.

OK enough of that! Well I do know that Saturdays and Sundays are usually good for me (2 days of feeling normal= yeah); today I had horrible diarrhea and my pee hole burned like hell. I would pee and nearly fall off the toilet from the burning pain. It sucked bad!( I think I can actually feel the rod that is in my pee hole (my right ureter) and I will have to have surgery sometime next month before the 18th of September to replace the tube. I had written my doctor / surgeon about this problem and he did tell me that I didn't have any infections in my urine culture but that it was another side effect of the chemotherapy. How I hate that word!

I made a special lunch for my honey today and he unhooked me from my feeding bag as we got to spend a few minutes of quality time together in the middle of the day. We are definitely over the spat of yesterday and are moving on to better things now. Despite chemo this weekend; we do plan on going on a bike ride together and even a motorcycle ride around (after the feed bag removal).

This will be a relaxing fun weekend and I may just go with him to see that violent Tarrontino movie. Oh I hate his movies; I like the 70's look and feel of them; but I hate the violence so much. I don't think it is at all necessary and what we need in this world. I think he makes violence seem funny and fun = not good. Why does everything he do have to have so much blood and guts and killing? I love my honey so much that I will go see that movie anyway. If I go he owes me a girly movie for sure!

Well anyway it was time for my Costco run after he left and I had this wonderful gift certificate from so many loving people at work that I needed to use and it so helped me. I don't have any money in my own bank account at this time and haven't had any since June (money of my own); so it was a treat to be able to go and not have to worry about paying that AMEX bill for all the things we needed. I hadn't done a Costco run in a while (since June) and we were low on all kinds of things (TP, Coffee, Olive Oil, etc). Blue Belle had on her favorite new "Service Dog Vest" and she was allowed to come inside Costco. The smiles that resulted in her presence inside Costco was amazing.

All the people that had been stressed out were not feeling it with her around. It's amazing to be walking down the aisle with my shopping cart with her right by my side (not in the way of anyone) as walk past someone with out a smile and then a peer down below and then a smile. A few people asked if they could pet her because she is so incredibly beautiful. This one little girl lost herself petting Blue Belle and just hugged her while Blue Belle gave her kisses. I forgot my camera; probably because it was such a dam hot day.

I hate hot days like this; it was worse than my hot flashes; when we got back in the car; the outside temperature said 106. I know that can't be quite accurate but it did feel like I walked right into an oven. I do like the moments in my day that are enjoyable like this; a great trip to Costco (nice and air conditioned) and not receiving any kind of negativity that she is inside the store. No one gave me any shit in fact the person standing in the front of the store asking for Costco cards had to get down and pet her and get a kiss from her.

I was having some horrible problems with my intestines and had to go to the restroom twice for more diarrhea and then while I was unpacking in the parking lot it happened again. Good thing I had on a feminine pad but it worked some. It was a mess when I got home but I survived it. I can walk around and unload the car so it's no big deal that I shit my pants again! I'm even laughing about it. My intestines have been through hell and back; so I think I'm entitled to my Depend's moments. I got home and took a nice warm bath and cleaned myself up then made my honey some deviled eggs and cut up some veggies and made him some dip with sour cream. Just some snacks in case he came home hungry.

Since it was Friday evening; my honey stopped by the pub and hung out for a couple of hours with his friends. I felt he was entitled since it's been a long week for him. My neighbor called, so Blue Belle got to play with Tess once it had cooled down some (it was 85 degrees last night), muggy and hot. She did her Sheltie Zoom, Zoom, Zoom as we laughed while the dogs were zipping all over the yard. It was too hot to take her around the block on the bike so I figured a romp with her best friend would suffice for her exercise. She was worn out when we returned and my honey had the milk bag all ready to hook up to me. He flushed both lines and had done his huge responsibility of putting the vitamins and everything required to get that milk bag going. It's so impressive what he does for me each and everyday.

Overcoming chemo brain with new devices and knowledge...

My husband and I have been so incredibly close lately (actually we always are). We have these cute little spats that don't really last long and always end up with us laughing our asses off at each other. One example is that we have these pool keys which I sometimes will loose. I put them in a pocket but it always ends up "well which pocket did I put them in?" Sometimes he looses them and it always seems that I am the one who lost them in the first place each and every time because of this chemo brain.

I am convinced each and every time when something does go missing; it must be me that lost what ever it is. I love to put things in pockets (yes coats and pants), in purses (which ever purse that might be). Women do have so many accessories and I'm no different. They look great, and they hold all of the things we can't possibly carry in our hands all of the time!) Anyway back to the missing pool keys; I had to call my neighbor to let me and my friend into the hot tub. I must have looked inside each and every jacket of mine and my husband's, pants I had worn, purses I may have used. I could not for the foggy chemo brain remember where those keys must be. My poor patient husband is helping me look and of course nothing.

The next day, my husband goes to work and then finds those keys in a pocket in his jacket that perhaps I had never even known he had; his secret pocket. The problem is neither of us can remember or even know which of us is responsible for loosing those keys. It totally does not matter to either of us. Move on!) We just cracked up when he produced them and told me he found them in his jacket in his secret inside pocket. It was either me or him? We had no idea but didn't care. He had checked the mail one of these days and I did too. I wore his jacket one cold, cold morning to take Blue Belle out for her morning potty break (could have had the keys then, but don't know). His coat is so warm and smells just like him that I just can't resist wearing it sometimes. I just remember his outside pockets which I always use but who knows? We were just so tickled that we found those keys. What a relief!

Chemo brain seems to be a big thing for me and many other cancer patients like myself. It happens sometimes where you feel this fog covering up your brain when you are either telling a story, trying to remember where you put something, or explaining to someone something you did, etc. It happens and sometimes when you try to figure out and to learn new things it takes many times of memorizing for anything to really sink in. Don't get me wrong, I still feel smart at times, just frustrated when I forget things. Things do eventually come to me whether its seconds, minutes, hours, days, and sometimes months. You never know.

Well I am doing new things for this New Year to improve my brain skills and I already feel great about it. For instance, I am taking that Yoga class which I can tell is helping me in other ways as well. I also signed up for this Medical Terminology course which really excites me and will give me a great challenge. Maybe I can find out what's really ailing me; yeah its the cancer but hopefully I can fix myself, myself. Wouldn't that be cool? Yeah that's a dream, but I can also make myself more useful in this world by learning medical terms, what they mean, and more.

I also just got myself a new iPhone and its so far pretty fun and I can play with and learn how to use on the way to work! Oh boy! So far so good with the learning how to use; still getting confused with the menus but I have a feeling this will be a good experience for me. Oh,, it's a fun one!)

I just shipped my mom her new phone (my old phone). It will be so good if we can get back to talking to each other every day or every other day again. I hate doing the weekends or once a month. That will not work. A woman's gotta talk to her mom as much as she can or least every day , right?

TGIF! Don't get me wrong, I love each and every day and have found new purpose in going to work in that I do have fun, I get to work with some people who really do have hearts of gold, they do good things for others, would be more than willing to give the shirt off of their backs, and what ever they can do to help out. Their work involves creating drugs which can save the lives of those with debilitating diseases.

However lately, I have found it really sad when others at work tell me of how others make it really hard for them to deal with work (making them very miserable) and while it does make me sad to see others so sad, I just hope that my presence makes going to work so much better and tolerable. I just do my best to cheer others up with my problems. It seems to work with my mom and it makes me very happy to be able to do that for her and for others. I catch myself laughing so hard at myself that I get others laughing too. That always seems to make me feel wonderful!) There might as well be some positive in my seemingly constant bowel problems.

I decided after this experience in the hospital that I just want to just do my best at everything I do. Yeah, it was a close call!) I made it!) So now, I just give everything I do my all! Yeah I have been doing that all along, but never have I felt so strong about it; actually perhaps I always have. I really do like to make those around me appreciate their lives so much more than they do or just to feel great just being around me and maybe I am able to influence others that being miserable is no way to be or to live your life. Live a little, laugh a little, give a little.

I was at work early today and I only got around 3 hours of sleep; if that. I did have some very painful problems today (not until after noon) which honestly does worry me. It was good for me to be at work and to get things done, but in all actuality I was pretty scared today about my doctor's appointment yesterday.

Work actually helped me get my mind off of those problems, but once that pain started I had to sit it out for a little over 2 hours. Yes, I had a bad case of diarrhea which happens sometimes too often; I'm still very, very happy as can be that my butt hole still works!)

I almost felt as if I had dry heaves in my butt hole and that my intestines felt as if they might just come right on out (that I might shit out my intestines). How unpleasant that was and I for sure could not go home while this was all happening. I couldn't get it to stop a few times; like all the food I had eaten was now coming out. I didn't have any appetite for any food and was fearful that it too would come rushing out. That's another thing my doctor had been concerned about was my weight. I need to gain some! I'm still loosing weight but still within the 120lb range. With my clothes, jacket, boots, and a set of keys I had in my pocket; I weigh 129.

I still managed to get things done and all that I had promised I would get done. I felt great about that but was still in lots of pain. I tried some aspirin, then a few hours later some Ibuprofen. It was just like I had taken some sugar pills, so I just tried some breathing techniques, thinking about Blue Belle and what every I could do to rid myself of pain. I tolerated it quite well and NO that does not happen all the time. Just 1 day out of 4 which isn't that bad. No pain the rest of the week.

Finally, it (butt hole dry heaves) stopped, peacefulness but still quite painful! I drove home and then decided that I needed to go to Whole Foods to find me some stuff that could put some real meat on my bones. I called my mom on my new phone and my new hands free device with does not have one of those ear barrettes (torture devices for your ears) just to tell her that her care package is on its way.

How wonderful it was just to hear her voice and that I was indeed cheering her up. I was parked and ready for my shopping trip (all except that feeling of intestines coming out of my butt hole). She told me I needed to smoke a bowl and I did. Within 10 seconds; the pain dissipated. How amazing that felt and my mom got to witness all of this on the phone!) Actually she has witnessed it many times. I sometimes will call her in pain and she will always tell me "You need to go smoke a bowl". How cool is that for my mom to say that to her own daughter? She knows it works and it really does. I would be arrested if I lived in her state (South Carolina) and dared tried to get rid of that pain and uncomfort. Well now I could walk to and inside the store without any pain! What an awesome plant and medicine!) I guess my ancestors weren't at all stupid.

I got all kinds of great stuff at Whole Foods including some Aloe Vera juice, Fish oil (w/out mercury), stuff that had no gluten, soy, or dairy. Maybe diet can help me and perhaps this others stuff can help regenerate my intestines. I told the cashier of my hopes and dreams that I will cure myself one day. After she had bagged up my groceries, she walked around the counter and told me that she just had to give me a hug, so she gave me a good solid hug. It was very sweet. Here's to hope!)

When I got home, my dear sweet husband had fixed the water heater (actually he bought a new one and a friend of his helped him install it). Yeah! We have hot water!)

A birthday then a good kharma day...

Sunday was my husband's birthday and most often Sundays are about watching football for him which I don't really have a whole lot of interest for. I can watch hockey on TV, even though in person its so much better to watch; much more exciting! I can't watch that many other sports on TV but I would rather watch in person and have even tolerated watching an entire football game in person (it was actually fun to be there at Lambeau Field) but have never ever been able to get into it on TV. It's just not exciting enough to get my short attention span or my chemo brain involved. While he was out watching the game at his favorite pub on the huge big screen, me and Blue Belle were out shopping and she was definitely getting a bath this day.

You see earlier that morning Miss Blue Belle had an unfortunate little accident on the bed of all places. I had just made some fresh coffee for my husband with some yummy Pumpkin spice soymilk cream and enough Splenda for him (none for me). We were both sipping our coffee on the bed and had a nice little spot that Blue Belle could comfortably join us. I smacked the spot for her to jump up and join us and instead, she popped up right into my lap spilling my coffee all over me and her and the bed of course. What a dumb, dumb move on my part. Since her fur was all sticky and stiff from spilling coffee on her; it was indeed bath time. Thank god it wasn't too hot. Instead of the caffeine waking us up, it was pure adrenaline!

We stopped at the park to play with her boyfriend Jagger for a little while as she got pretty muddied up and dirtier and all the more worthy of a good bath. Then we stopped and got her all pretty and clean then stopped at the grocery store (Whole Foods) for something quick to eat for me. My stomach was needing something in it and to calm it down some. It gets pretty noisy especially the morning after taking my chemo pill (Etoposide).

I had used my vaporizer that morning so the pain was gone, just at the point of starting to feel the motion of my intestines moving things around. They get blocked so easily and are not able to handle digesting food that could cause gas and extreme pain for me. At this point right now, and its quite unpleasant so if you can fart, consider it a blessing. Lately I have been having serious issues with the problem of having gas. Now if I do feel I have to fart, its a shart; so needless to say, I avoid it unless I am seated on a toilet. Most of the time, my intestines do get blocked and therefore I am unable to do so. Just a couple of years ago, it seemed I farted non-stop. I kind of feel that the chemo drugs may have caused the further deterioration of my intestines that now I am unable to fully fart to my bodies full potential.

Now, instead, it just becomes so incredibly painful and for some reason I am now able to feel the loss of part of my colon due to these complications. I am blessed to still be alive and I accredit the use of medicinal cannabis in my situation. I know if I followed government propaganda on this very, very useful plant; I wouldn't be alive. It has saved my life so many times. It is a blessing to live here in California where I can legally use it. I know in my heart and soul that this is NOT a dangerous drug.

To get on with my day, I got some comfort food to calm down my irritable intestines and sat outside a table with Miss Blue Belle. Now she had sat outside the store as patient as could be greeting customers as they walked inside. As I sat outside to eat, several customers came to sit next to us just so that they could get the pleasure of being next to Miss Blue Belle.

These two really nice ladies sat at the table next to me as we had some wonderful conversations about the wellness of having a dog for therapy, the Sheltie Breed, herding dogs, and psychic abilities. Very stimulating conversations and even a church which is about 2 blocks from my house and its very small and open to my beliefs. Not a pushy type of religion but one I will definitely check out. One of the ladies spoke of her husband who is apparently scared of death and is fighting for his life with a particularly deadly type of cancer. One of his treatments involved a very radioactive chemo pill for which he was forbidden to be around anyone because of his radioactivity. In order to take the pill, he had to be isolated as the pill came in this tube that was completely electronic as is dispelled the pill. He had to be careful not to touch the pill on his lips or mouth and just down the hatch it had to go. Wow! When you think you have it bad, there is always someone out there who has it worse and is fighting just as strong if not stronger. This woman was incredibly courageous and just like an angel. She had this wonderful glow about her. She didn't fear death but felt it was just another part of life's many journeys. In heaven you get to meet all of your pets that had already passed on and your families. It was wonderful to meet and to talk with these wonderful women. Everything happens for a reason.

I went home and cleaned up the house, did the laundry, and got those deserts ready for my husband's 43rd birthday. I had already given him his gifts weeks earlier and felt bad that I only had a card for him. He just wanted my love and that's enough for both of us. I feel the same exact way!

The following day (Monday), my husband had to go to work and me and Miss Blue Belle needed to find the perfect Christmas dress for my company party on Friday. We walked all over Santana Row searching. We finally got to the place White House/Black Market.
This was the same place I had gotten my Wedding Dress just six years earlier. I had an appointment at the Mac store to get my Ipod Battery fixed so I had to deal with that first. I was able to replace my Ipod completely for only $59. I had a brand new Ipod conveniently inside my purse.

Afterwards, I continued over to White House/Black Market for my dress as the nice ladies had a dressing room with lots of great dresses all ready for me to try on. I did find the perfect dress and in addition they even gave me the largest dressing room they had just so that Miss Blue Belle could be comfortable enough for me to try on several dresses. I finally found the perfect dress and purchased it. I also found a great jacket to go with it, but it wasn't on sale as the dress was. I paid $133 for the dress and the jacket was $298. The nice sales lady even suggested this sweater which was $78 and a huge "made in china" label which completely turned me off. I felt I could find a better deal and I did later on.

We were finally ready to leave the mall (Valley Fair) as I went to sit at a bench so that I could comfortably put on my jacket and bundle up for the walk across the street over to Santana Row to continue my search for the perfect jacket. I got up and proceed to walk out of the mall after I had gotten my jacket on. As we were walking out a friendly security guard approached me about Blue Belle and asking if she was a service dog. I told him she was and he smiled at me and continued on his job.

10 minutes later we were outside of the mall and ready to cross Steven's Creek Blvd. over to Santana Row for more shopping when I noticed that my purse was no where to be seen. I instantly had a small panic attack as I struggled back to that bench that my purse just may still be. I had cash, my new ipod, credit cards, and my whole identity in that purse. I kept trying to get some fresh breaths of air to relax me which really didn't do a whole lot of good. I went to several benches and finally to the one I thought it must be. Nothing and then I saw two young boys sitting there so as I asked them if they had seen my purse. Still nothing. I went to several of the stands that were close by and still nothing. I walked over to the information desk as the gentleman there told me that he had seen nothing and that doubedly my purse would even be up there in the Security office in such a short time. No one had even turned anything in. I then walked over to one friendly Russian guy where he told me where the security office was. In his broken English as he wished me good luck and smiled very gently at me and Blue Belle. I took the elevator as he suggested and proceeded to the Security Office. I walked around a corner and then saw my purse sitting on a desk. It was the first thing I saw as I generously thanked those nice security guys in the office as they loved on Blue Belle.

They gave me my purse and I hugged one of them and continued to thank them and told them this is proof of Good Kharma!) As I walked outside the Macy's to continue over to Santana Row, I pulled out all of my money (which was only a $10 bill) and placed it in the Red Salvation Army container. I wished the bell ringer a Merry Christmas and continued on my shopping trip. I was very thankful to get another chance with my purse and my forgetful chemo brain.

I did find a jacket for $30 and Shawl for $10. I had to go back to the Macy's for my husband's winter white sweater for the party later that night. The sweater was $49, then the young man ringed it up as it was on sale for $33. I was surprised and said Wow! It's on Sale! Then he smiled gently at me as he went to ring it up again with an employee discount to get the sweater for $25. He told me he feels personal satisfaction to give just 1 nice person his employee discount each day that he works. See the power of Good Kharma! This is what I like to write about so that all of you reading this can witness that what comes around Goes around!

Hopefully my last chemo for now...

I had a really nice relaxing weekend and even went on a motorcycle ride with my husband on Saturday. It was mostly a local ride around town but ultimately it was fun and it was a good rush of adrenaline which is exactly what I needed. We went to a few local pubs (I just drank water) and met some of my husband's friends. We spent some good quality time together and that was important.

Sunday, was very relaxing as I worked on my blogs and finished entries I had started but never finished or published so now they are complete (at least most of them are). I also spent most of the day doing lots of laundry, vacuuming, dusting, and cleaning for my dad's visit on Thursday! Oh Boy!) This little girl got to watch some TV with me as I folded laundry. (She loves the show on Animal Planet "It's me or the dog")

Yesterday was another adventure as I took Miss Blue Belle with me to the hospital for my blood test and to fill out some overdue paperwork for my longterm disability (3 weeks worth). She brought so many smiles with her and the director of the Pet Therapy Program even came over to say to hello to us. Now I really want to volunteer so bad but my immune system will not allow for me to do this at least for right now. Blue Belle is ready and willing and I really need to get her tested but have lagged as usual. I sure mean well, but sometimes I do lag.

I think I am getting ready to start work and will practice going to bed at a reasonable hour (instead of 11pm = that's good compared to my old habits of 2-3am). I am getting there and it certainly will be great to see all my friends.

Yes, I am still suffering from severe insomnia but found a natural alternative supplement from one of my neighbors. I am not sure if it works, but I don't believe it does. My system is pretty tough and what works for most doesn't for me. I do plan to talk with my doctor about something else that might help me sleep because getting adequate sleep is extremely important as I tackle a work week. I think the stress of the cancer causes me stress just knowing that it is still growing inside me and that the chemo may or may not be working. Mind over matter, right? It's easier said than done.

Last night my husband asked if we needed to set the alarm clock for chemo the next morning at 10am and I told him absolutely not. Tonto will definitely wake us up and he certainly did at 7am when we didn't have to wake until at least 8:30am for my 10am appointment.

My husband drove me to the hospital as I brought along my IPOD and a work manual to read. Yes, I am serious, I'm going to work next week. I took the stairs as usual (I always take those stairs), 4 flights of stairs to the 4th floor Infusion Center just to get me pumped for my chemo.

When I arrived I didn't get the same nurse as before. This one was rather forgetful as some seem to be (not all) and it really makes you appreciate the good nurses. I really like warm personalities and thoughtfulness in a nurse especially a chemo nurse. It really goes a long way with me and I'm sure for others too.

If I had a choice of another career it would be a chemo nurse (its just a fantasy). I know it is a hard, hard job to do, extremely demanding, but God it has to be rewarding. I can understand even more than ever that if you are working with people who are fighting for their lives, someone who is warm and understanding really makes the experience all the more pleasant. Even though you can't take that pain and suffering away, you can at least be compassionate and caring.

This particular nurse was young and kind of cold in her personality. She didn't really speak or acknowledge me all that much unless she was checking and verifying my information. I was more or less just a number in a chair. It kind of bummed me out as I tried to talk to her cheerfully to hopefully break her out of her shell as she interrupted me to yell over at another nurse to come and help her. It was as if I wasn't even talking to her. No apologies what so ever, just a number in a chair, so I just ignored her and continued to listen to my music and read my book. She probably meant well and her job has to be a very hard and demanding job. Maybe she was just having a bad day or just new at this whole experience. I didn't let it get to me, but it really did make me appreciate having a good chemo nurse even more than ever and I bet so many of the other patients do too!

As I was sitting there getting my chemo in popped a really neat lady with a beautiful pink hat decorated with all kinds of cool breast cancer pins and charms. Her pajamas were the best, much better than my plain brown and teal ones. She even had these great Disney socks that had such a great message that my chemo brain has forgotten it completely! It was a great message to read and hear at the time. It made me smile, hell she made me smile. What a sense of humor and a great lady to meet. Her personality just brightened the room completely. I also met another nice lady with her San Jose Sharks gear and totally on top of the game to even alert me that their next game is tomorrow night! I enjoyed talking hockey with her and her daughter.

I did need to get some paperwork for my job completed and I had to ask this nurse for something. It almost seemed like I was being way too demanding. She was nice enough to bring over a sheet of paper for me to fill out and told me that I should get the paperwork back in the mail. I had also put in a request for a break from chemo so that I can work and have at least some normality in my life for now.

My chemo was finally done and it took a little while for the chemo nurse to return not like the last one who seemed totally on top of everything! She came back and gave me an appointment at noon (lunchtime which I will never ever do again!) for my next chemo and she tried to tell me that there just were not any other appointments available. I told her just please don't schedule me then and she was quite irritated with me for not taking that appointment that no one wanted. I didn't care at all, its my life anyway. She walked away and snatched the appointment sheet and went away to get me another one.

She came back a few minutes later to take out my IV needle and to give me another appointment at a more reasonable time. I didn't realize until later that she didn't cut the ID band as that other nurse I had before had done. Wow! Really makes you really appreciate having a good nurse. I have to find out the name of the nurse I had before because she was absolutely awesome! I know I won't forget those great ladies I met today! I really like meeting new cancer patients and talking with them as they are going through what I am going through.

When I got home, I crashed hard for several hours. Miss Blue Belle came up and slept right next to me. Then Tonto came up and slept in his little bed and snored. I had to pull out the ear plugs. I awoke and went shopping for our Thanksgiving meal. I got the last turkey in the store (they were almost out!) and thankfully I must have missed the huge rush. I will be busy doing some more cleaning (refrigerator & freezer), vacuuming, dusting, and much more. We are celebrating Thanksgiving on Friday because my father's flight will arrive shortly after 7pm. I do plan to have a separate meal that evening and then lunchtime Friday the big Turkey dinner!)
Good thing the turkey will take 3-4 days to defrost (perfect!).

Simple technology for chemo brain and old person brain....

Well I did get to give my husband the wonderful gift of my cold. I hate that he is suffering as he has been but if its any consolation I am starting to feel better. I have 1 more intravenous chemo treatment next week on the 14th, exactly 7 days before I start my first day of work. Its been really nice to have these days off where I can sort of do a few things for me, like sleeping in or doing errands, visiting with friends and also being stress free all while being able to heal myself from these strong treatments.

Since I am known to forget things all the time, I have found that lists definitely work. I can't get a whole lot done with out a list. I have been known to a call my pad of paper "an extension of my brain". Its nice to visualize what can be inside my head which is why I like to jot things down when I remember them.

The chemotherapy treatments do cause brain damage and a lot of times it can be permanent. Sometimes, I can be midways through a sentence and then all of a sudden I forget many details such the name of a person I am talking about and sometimes too if I have only known the person from meeting just a handful of times. It is possible to learn new things, but it doesn't come the first time, second time, third time, maybe more, maybe less, but things can sink in with a little bit of effort on my part, but take a pad a paper just in case to job down things. It really works for me.

Now my husband got me a GPS for my birthday last year and it has proven to be gas saver and stress reducer. I never get lost any more from Yahoo or Google maps; instead I have a nice friendly voice to guide me where I am going even in downtown San Francisco, San Jose, and even Santa Cruz. I just plug in the address prior to starting the car and it will always guide me in the right direction even if I don't know any of the roads or the direction that I am going. I just put my faith on my dependable little device.

It sure has helped me get out of the house to go visit with friends who have recently moved or would like me to meet them somewhere I have never been before. My little trusty device, Blue Belle in the backseat, here I come!

Now I do have rules when I do use my little device, NO using or trying to punch in addresses or buttons while I am driving! This is a great gift for any chemo patient who likes the freedom of driving around, but hates getting lost of having chemo episodes of forgetting the direction they are heading! I have found that I did loose my sense of direction as well with the chemo brain and older age as well, so a GPS also helps me with road rage. I am much calmer on the road and at ease having this little device guide me. How many times have I gotten angry at Yahoo for their bogus directions? A GPS saves you insanity! I really can't stress that enough.

Another cool thing about my TomTom is that if my husband and I go on vacation, we can bring it with us while we are walking around looking for landmarks or restaurants. It can pull up restaurants in the area or if you are running out of gas it can tell exactly where a gas station is and can guide you to that mystery gas station. No more stress while driving!

Here are just a few I recommend; I got the cheap Tom Tom and am completely satisfied. It may not shout out the names of the streets I am to turn on but it does give me plenty of time to know which direction I will be going or turning.