X-rays, CAT scans, GI Studies....

This post will be very brief as it is an update on how I am doing in the hospital and what's going on in here. What are they doing for me to get better other than starving me to death.

Well had my vein in my elbow finally give out last night and boy was it painful. Check it out; I actually took a photo of it with my iPhone. I will end up being here for a while; we don't see me going home until sometime next week.

The blockage is actually worse than we had initially thought since I have been vomiting at night (mostly undigested food) which does tell the doctors that there is some sort of a kink just as I had suspected. I can actually feel where the kink is or at least it seems that I can.

I really thought that I would get to go home by Thursday but more than likely the soonest would be Monday of next week or even later (there is even the possibility of 2 types of surgeries) of which I was supposed to start back at work that day. My doctor is going to extend my disability for another two weeks or up to a month (my husband strongly feels it should be a month) so that I can heal and make sure that I am able to digest food in the mean time. As it is now; it is more than apparent that I am unable even digest drinking just water.

I was really looking forward to starting back at work even though I am still quite weak; I figured if I got my ass to work I could get stronger than I have been sitting at home all these months. I have even gone anywhere in over 4 months outside of San Jose; that's pretty sad in that I didn't trust my intestines to do so.

SPECIAL UPDATE: (I just spoke with a doctor so much of this is verified so far) Sorry for the position of this update if you have already read this post already. Well this morning I got to see what my block looked like in my stomach. I'm going to try to see if I can get some sort of a print out so that I can scan it or maybe even photograph with my iPhone. We will see!)

There is an area at the bottom of my stomach that is clogged with lots of food called the duodendum? that connects the stomach to the intestines (I forgot which one= small or large?) but it is flattened and the barium appeared to be having a problem getting through or at least it was taking a while to get through.

I had a few x-rays taken and even stood and lied down on this very trippy table that almost felt as if it was going to tip me upside down. I had to get on it standing up and then it tips me backwards onto my back to sort of move the barium fluid down my system. Then we waited for about half an hour for the barium to travel and then more x-rays. After those x-rays; I was promised some more in about 15-20 minutes. I was pushed over to this door to wait until it was my turn; well 15-20 minutes turned into 2-3 hours (I was completely forgotten about). I figured that maybe they thought that this extra time might be needed for the barium to go through my slow ass system.

All of a sudden I was woken up (thank god I was sleeping in a gurney instead of a wheel chair) by a very nice young man. He was directed to take me back up to my room. I was thankful for that because I started to feel some extremely sharp pains in my abdomen and it was time for some pain medication and I could also call my honey to update him since there was 0 service in the whole radiology department. I couldn't even send him a text. I have been feeling the taste of the barium coming up my esophagus and I hope this isn't a bad sign.

I was told that I would be brought back down for a CAT scan later on. Well that has since changed; how I will need to get an NG tube inserted in order to get rid of the barium and some of the food or much as we can get rid of so that I can get a CAT scan done tomorrow. I guess they don't want to mix the barium with the CAT scan fluid that is needed for the CAT scan.

From this block; there are 2 possibilities; there could be a tumor that is causing the block and they may need to go in and insert a stent or insert another opening in my stomach with some intestine; essentially making a new opening. This will definitely delay me in going back to work. I sure hope that I can eat something soon because it sure is torturous to have to go through all of this. Thank god we are going to try to do all we can to make sure I am at least comfortable prior to that NG tube being inserted (Klonopin via IV and Dilaudid for pain) and some numbing spray for my throat. I know that I need all that I can to calm my ass down while they insert that painful tube up my nose down into my stomach. How incredibly uncomfortable that will be. Well now I have that damned NG tube inserted and I'm not feeling so comfy with it!). God that sucks! I do hope it help clean things out and perhaps a miracle!)

I did get to call my honey who will be stopping by after he takes Miss Blue Belle for her walk and hopefully a romp with her best friend Tess (the Yorkie), then feed Tonto and Blue Belle and then take Miss Blue Belle with him to come see me. Oh and he has to eat his dinner prior to seeing me because it might just drive me madd if he eats in front of me.

I'm so incredibly hungry that it's been torture these last couple of days being both thirsty and feeling as if I am starving to death. He plans to talk with my doctor in order to find out what the purpose is for starving me to death; at least that's how he feels since he doesn't wish for me to loose any more weight. But I do have that dangerous block and I pray that I won't need to be opened up to fix this! Prayers for this block to resolve and perhaps this solution can open things up. I have to use positive thinking in hopes things will resolve on their own. I can't wait to eat something! Here's to me being able to digest some food in the next couple of days (hopefully tomorrow!)

After a few hours of having the stupid NG tube in; I find out that I have to move down 2 floors to another room. I was pretty bummed having to pack up all my things on my bed including my own toilet paper, computer, phone, iPod, books and so much more all stacked in my bed. It is always such a awkward move but we did it and once I got into my new room; in walks the man of my dreams with my beautiful sweet sheltie who didn't seem to care at all that I had this horrible thing hanging on my face. She was there to give me kisses of support and healings. My honey helped set up my room to my comfort where everthing I had was easy to find for me. What a great gentleman! I could be so lucky! More updates to come as I have this CAT scan tomorrow and we will see if this NG tube is able to get rid of all the barium without clogging up. All the best to you all!)

Just another couple of days in the hospital...

Here's a goofy shot of me making the most of my stay here in the hospital being the dirt bag that I am (haven't showered or washed my hair since Friday!) Don't I look rough and yes I'm tough too! I will get through this and much more!)

Now this won't be the most exciting post, but I just wanted to give you all an update on how I am doing here in the hospital.

Being in the hospital is such a boring existence; the most exciting thing is having visitors (I do enjoy them and of course the phone calls from friends and family) and then there's being drugged up while watching movies.

I did get to speak with my main Oncologist/ Doctor today, and he is a very fantastic doctor to have and I was very blessed on that day fateful day on November 15th, 2002 to have him performing that dreaded debauking surgery removing what ever cancer they could. In fact he has operated on me during all of my 5 major surgeries. He is one of the best in the field or least that is the opinion of many. He's also young, he knows about many different cancer treatments for Ovarian Cancer and is also specialized in Gynecologic Oncology. Many of the ladies seem to think he is the hottest doctor ever but in my opinion he still doesn't hold a flame to my husband as far as I'm concerned. He's just a very good doctor and friend to have. I just don't have the sex drive to find other men attractive and that's the truth of it all. I can appreciate handsomeness but that's about it; I just don't have any desires to stray from my husband; I'm completely loyal to only him.

My doctor has followed me over the years and while we have many disappointing sessions with him where sometimes it all seemed hopeless and very scary indeed; we have also had much to be thankful for. While I have to be honest; I do often dread seeing him for fear of more bad news; today wasn't so bad. I am still OK to return back to work on Monday even though I will have to spend most of the week here in hospital. I was really hoping to have just a few more days of being home with my animals and being able to lie down by the pool and mostly just have a nice relaxing week; it's not going to happen until Wednesday or Thursday (that's when I might get to go home) or later. We may have to see first if I can even digest any food prior to going home since I am still vomiting up undigested food at night. (I did it again tonight)

Last night I also puked up quite a bit of undigested food and the nurses both agreed that if I were to get an NG tube inserted it would have to be a real big one and more than likely what I have in my system would most surely clog it. Since I'm not violently vomiting they don't feel that I need one!) THANK GOD! I'm stoked; I was sure that my doctor would suggest one but he seems to think that I don't need one just yet. He did suggest that I get an x-ray tomorrow morning to see where everything is going.

I also had to do a most unpleasant enema today and quite a bit came out (ewwwww!) But at least stuff is coming out and I hope this pain on my right rib area calms down; I kind of think that this is where the kink is near my stomach that is holding all of this food in. It's very scary to even think about but hopefully all of this not eating will begin to pay off. I'm so dam hungry that even fast food commercials are making me go mad! I want it all! But if it ends up stuck in my system what good will that do?

I did get to talk with this dietitian and I am excited at a new plan to try to gain some weight which involves ice cream and nuts! I do love nuts but I have to chew them until they are liquid or else I suffer in the worst way when they come out!( How unpleasant but those omega vitamins are good for me. I hope my system is able to absorb those. I'm still on NPO (nothing my mouth).

I was very much looking forward to my honey coming to visit me after work but evidently he had eaten at a Subway Restaurant that was experimenting with a new assembly line way of making the sandwiches more efficiently. What they failed to realize was that the meats were getting cross contaminated. With in a few hours of eating his sandwich during an important meeting; his stomach started churning and he had to run to the bathroom to vomit and it was a violent episode. He could not return to the meeting and he had to have a co-worker drive him home.

I did call the exact Subway location to let them know what had happened and for a manager to please call us back. Hopefully my poor honey isn't suffering as bad as I have been; I know I won't be eating at Subway anytime soon. I have met many who have also gotten food poisoning from Subway as well and their days of Subway have been long over. Maybe that's why Jared lost all that weight?

Well they did call my husband back and wanted a doctor's note to prove that he had food poisoning and he was hilarious enough to ask them how about I bring some of my puke to your store so that you can see for yourself how sick I got. He had only eaten a donut for breakfast. Yes, we plan to call the corporate office to find out more about their assemblyline way of making sandwiches and cross contamination of meats. OK enough bad mouthing Subway restaurants; I know not all are the same but I personally am not going to take those kinds of chances with my system.

Here's to both of us getting better and no one else getting that violent flu that's going around! Let's all be well and healthy if at all possible! Or better yet, let's be thankful for what we still have and adore in this lifetime!) (I hate doing a whole day not seeing my honey but at least I can talk to him on the phone!)

Back in the Hospital....

Hopefully this post won't be too confusing although these last couple of days have been at least somewhat exciting. Well I had been out getting exercise (riding my bike and walking) and even getting some sunshine in hopes of healing. Each time involved taking Miss Blue Belle out for a walk or a romp with her best friend "Tess" the Yorkie.

I had also been forcing myself to eat as much as I can (smoking pot to gain some appetite on a very, very nauseated system). I was also experiencing some painful bowel blockages (which had started on Monday) but nothing some little suppositories or a Sitz bath couldn't solve. I was able to relieve myself but the food just seemed to be staying in my stomach much longer or at least it seemed. For some reason my stomach would get very, very full after just eating only a few bites. It would get downright painful and feel as if it were going to burst; so I would smoke some pot to get rid of that horrible pain; it worked like a charm each time.

Well Wednesday, I did write my doctor and then an email bounce back that he is out of town until the 19th(I didn't get the email until the next day) so I email two other doctors; my primary doctor and the GI doctor on Thursday. I didn't get an email from either of them until later in the evening. The GI doctor suggested that I go to ER and then my Primary Doctor of course agreed with him. I just didn't feel quite that bad; I just wanted to see a doctor first prior to going through all of that.

On Thursday, I made it my mission to try and gain some weight (I've been trying to for weeks). I wanted so bad to get on that scale and see that I weighed at least 117lbs. I have to admit that I smoked pot most of the day (before and after a meal) and also munched out all day long until around 7pm. I was so proud of my feat and that I ate more than I normally eat!) I was happy until the pain started.

All that food had not moved past my stomach and I was burping most of the day (nasty tasting burps) and these burps would normally have made me loose my appetite completely. Smoking pot just made me hungry and more able to stomach most foods. I just wanted to munch!)

OK back to 7pm; I started getting sick and very nauseated. The puking started at around 9pm and it was very thick heavy vomit; in fact as I was leaning over the toilet; the vomit was so thick and heavy that it bounced out of the toilet and right into my eye!( Ewwwwwwwww; I have puke in my eye to deal with and it burned too!( How horribly disgusting that was! It was an eye opener for sure! God I have to deal with so many disgusting issues with this disease!

Anyway I puked most of the night on Thursday; all that hard work of trying to gain weight and now my poor tummy was cramping in the worst way. I was in severe pain! I had to take some strong pain medications that my doctor had given me for times like these. I was thankful to have those strong pain medications on hand because we may have rushed right to the emergency room for some morphine. It was that painful; but we delt with it. It was such a miserable night; but I did eventually get to sleep for a few hours anyway. I also decided to stop taking those chemo pills because I felt those might be making the tumors bigger and causing me some major GI problems. Thursday was my first night without taking those chemo pills.

On Friday morning I called the Advice Nurse and made an appointment to see my Primary Doctor at 3pm. No more playing around; food is not going through my system for a reason and this could kill me. I also weighed in at 107lbs and that completely frightened me; but despite all of that I did get to go have a nice romantic lunch with my husband at noon and we also got to stroll through an air conditioned mall window shopping and just holding hands and enjoying the time spent together. I did warn him of my pending doctor appointment and the possibility that might have to go the ER. He didn't like this, but what else can we do? He's still there for me always and that's more than I could ever ask for!)

After I dropped him off at his job, I then drove myself straight home and took a nap just prior to going to my doctor appointment. I didn't have to wait for too long in that busy waiting room. The doctor was able to at least examine me and he was very surprised at how loud my intestines were churning, and then I also showed him the horrid looking bumps (tumors) on top of my rib cage, and after hearing all that has been going on (puking); he decided that my very best option was for me to just go straight to ER. I was pretty bummed. There wasn't really anything he could do with out an x-ray or a CAT scan.

After our meeting I walked straight over to the ER and went through the entire 9 hour process of waiting and moving from one waiting room back to the other and then back to another until I got a room. Friday night in the Emergency Room; it was quite busy and so many people sick and coughing and I was so worried that I was going to catch that Swine Flu.

I ended up sitting right across from this really sad old woman. She just stared right into my eyes and I could see and be so familiar with her pain; I've been there but there was no way of her knowing that. To her; I looked quite healthy. She was sitting in one of those uncomfortable temp wheel chairs and wearing one of those ugly hospital gowns; she had an NG tube and a pee bag. I just knew that I just might end up in her shoes during this hospital stay. I prayed "Please NO NG tube!". It was definitely a possibility for relieving much of the pressure inside my abdomen. I sure felt for this old woman; I smiled at her but her face was motionless.

I finally got a temp room at around 9pm where I sat for another couple of hours to talk with doctors. I was able to get an x-ray just prior to getting that temp room where I was seated in a gurney in the hallway just waiting for a room. The young man that wheeled me over to x-ray was himself a testicular cancer survivor. He was very lucky and had found his lump early and it was fluke that he even found it. He was successfully treated with only 3 chemo treatments. Two years later his scans are still clean; more power to him!)

When we got back I had 4 nurses try desperately to find a vein for my IV and to get lots of blood samples (it looked to me like lots of little bottles to fill). I must have gotten poked and prodded about 10 times before one finally found a vein close to my elbow. Who would have known? It sure was painful and I cried when they were poking around on the veins with lots of scar tissue. It was downright painful. I was so thankful the nurse found that vein but she wasn't able to get any blood drawn so they had to call up for a real Phlebotomist from the Lab. He was good and was able to fill up most of those vials. Oh god I hate needles!

I also had to have tons of sticky little things all over my body for an EKG? My heart is actually in great shape considering. See I do have a good heart!) But I got so much sticky crap all over me and lots and lots of wires hanging off of me; along with those snaps and stuff.

My honey had arrived shortly at 9:30pm and I told him to take his time; I didn't feel we should both be in complete misery waiting around and waiting around. He needed to eat his dinner and take the dog out and get other things done prior to hanging out with me in the emergency room. He tried to lie down on the gurney with me but I had so many wires hanging out of my ugly hospital gown. I had never seen myself like this before. It must be new that they check my heart rate and all the stuff. We did get to take a little nap together as we waited to hear from a doctor.

The doctor did finally come up to see me just after 10pm and he showed us the x-ray and where the block was. He said there were some pockets of gas and fecal matter; and despite only eating at noon; my stomach was surprisingly very full; in all a block is not so good for me. He actually gave me a choice of if I wanted the NG now or later. I said later and I was thrilled to have that painful thing in my nostril. After we talked with this doctor my honey did leave around 11:30pm and I told him I would text him with the room number. I didn't have any service inside this particular temp. room.

I finally got to see an OBGYN doctor at around 12:30pm and she decided formally that I should be admitted so that we could watch to see if the block can resolve on it's own. She felt I didn't need the NG tube unless I started vomiting out of control and I was thrilled. I got to take pain medication rather than that stupid NG I was really hoping that I would get to go home but 10 times out of 10 I get admitted. There is just no way around it. I did finally get to go to my room finally at around 2:30am. I was given pain medications and Benadryl and slept about as good as could with nurses coming in at all hours to take blood, take vitals, and so on. It does suck to be waken up at 4am to get stuck with a needle on my left arm since the IV was in my right. It took her a few times to try to find a vein and I was so thankful when she did. Getting a needle stuck in left arm is not at all fun. There's just no working veins in that arm at all. That 1st round of chemo just destroyed them all!

I got to sleep most of the day and of course I am still blocked and dealing with some nausea. We are working on the block by NPO (no food or drink), just fluids via IV and suppositories. I did have a very, very painful spasm episode this morning and I thank GOD that I didn't puke. I almost did, but thankfully I did not. I've been getting Dilaudid for pain intravenously and it's working great for the pain but hopefully this little block will work it's way out and I can go home soon.

My honey did stop by with Blue Belle and of course my beloved computer. My poor iPhone was nearly dead as I had to use it heavily. I talked with both my parents most of the morning just letting them know that I'm OK and working on healing. I did try to post a comment on my last post from my iPhone just to let you all know that I'm OK and I'm in the hospital. I kept getting that warning that my phone is out of juice and I did feel guilty still having to use it despite that; but its a good little phone to not have died completely as many of my other phones have done to me. I thought that was amazing.

I'm making the most of being stuck here and hopefully I will heal this week and I hope I will be able to return to work a week from Monday. I'm looking forward to it. I still need to gain quite a bit of weight but there is still that chance I won't be able to return this soon. I can't believe it is 4 months later and I'm still not healed. It still puzzles me but I am going to do all that I can this week so that I can return to work. I have a feeling my doctor is going to have to extend my disability because of this little hospital stint. We will see.. I sure hope I heal much sooner! Here's to a miracle!)

Abdominal Blockages & severe heartburn....

Well it's finally started; I am starting to get the pains of more bowel blockages and small relief of just being able to fart; sometimes I have to strain in order to do so. It's so not pleasant or ladylike but it is painful if I can't. I am also forcing myself to eat daily because of the nausea and the severe heartburn; I can't even stomach all that much and when I do eat any significant amount it feels as if my stomach is going to burst; very painful and uncomfortable. I'm also burping louder than ever; louder than I have ever been able to and I don't know any relatives who could beat these loud ass burps. They are horrible but they do offer me relief when I do so!) My honey gets so worried when he hears them at all hours of the night sometimes; it just happens most of the time now. I even get god awful hiccups when I go poo?

Right now I am trying to not use anything for pain even though the pain is unbearable at times; I need to wean myself off of painkillers and just get used to what my body is doing and feeling. Sometimes I can't take it and have to pop a Percocet; these have been the best at helping me deal with severe pain; but now I am starting to get blocks. It started on Monday and I actually had to pull out the dreaded painful suppositories. It's working and I am getting some relief but I have to get more Miralax and see if that works; I just worry that I will be pooping 24 x 7 if I do that. I never thought I would have to deal with this and it seems that the only way that I can go number 2 is with my Sitz Bath; oh it definitely brings me some relief to a sore butthole!)

Yes, these are those spasms that I get at least once a day while trying to relieve myself and these days relieving can mean so many different things!) As it is now, when I am able to go poo, the spasms are painful and I am even forced to puke. This has been pretty irritating; to be straining as an involuntary muscle and then feeling it push stuff up my esophagus. It's the weirdest thing, but it definitely sucks!(

Yesterday I forced myself to eat some berries (blackberries, raspberries, and blueberries), granola, and Vanilla Brown Cow whole Milk with the cream on Top" yogurt. It was pretty good!) It helped some and I will continue this until I start feeling like I will puke if I am around it much longer. I do like it when I find something that works; even if its just for a little while. I seem to always eventually become sick of something if I eat it too many days in a row or weeks and months as it is has been smoothies and Ensures. I also tried so hard to eat the rest of day doing the tiny meals but I got sick the entire day not being able to stomach all that much. This morning I was puking and pooing at the same time. How pleasant to wake up to that!(

I sure hope I am feeling better by next week. Oh god please don't make me feel anything like this! This is ridiculous that its taking me this long to heal! It's been very frustrating and I really need to start back to work in less than 2 weeks. I'm not even gaining any weight; just staying at 110-113. I am riding my bike daily and I hope to go swimming today. Maybe some aqua-therapy can do me some good! We will see.

Since I've been in so much pain, I have to admit to lying on the couch watching mostly Warren Miller Films and just recently a special on Shaun White which was really amazing. I was practically salivating as I watched he and his friends blast down a mountain hitting tree tops and catching air.

Oh how I wished I was in that great of shape and to be doing just that. That adrenaline rush must feel amazing; I do know that it is a amazing just to watch! I just sat there on the couch reminiscing about how wonderful the powder feels under my feet as I am blasting down a mountain myself. That is the feeling of heaven and I hope to feel that again this season!) Amanda was just telling me that this year we will be getting lots and lots of rain. Now that made me very, very, very, very happy; she always feels that she is going to melt when it rains and I am in heaven when I feel the rain on my head! I just love it!) That's just our differences; I'm absolutely done with this dreaded heat we have been having; it was 99 yesterday. Now that makes me feel like I am melting!

Can you believe that it rained on Saturday at the "Relay for Life"? I may have mentioned it but it did! Oh how that felt good! It was so amazing and I was just dreading the heat when the clouds started to form and then all of a sudden it was raining!) It was absolutely wonderful.

UPDATE: I was able to take Amanda's bike to get a new tire and even got her a new bell. I'm sorry I don't have any cool photos but I did get to go on a short bike ride today with Miss Blue Belle over to that church we often go to play frisbee. We didn't get to play frisbee for long because the church overwatered the field again and turned it into a muddy swamp. Blue Belle was pretty bummed that I didn't wish to play in the muddy field. I kind of suspect someone is doing this to keep dogs off the lawn. Why not just put up a sign?

I was able to eat some granola, berries, and yogurt for breakfast and then I had a Jamba Juice later on with extra protein which more than lasted me all day long (I drank almost half). I kept burping through out the day (OMG - I can actually say things while I burp - next time I will try counting and tell you how high I was able to go!) and it was the worst tasting burps ever (ewww they were probably stinky burps too!(.

I am definitely having some digestion issues from all of that and I will be calling the doctor tomorrow morning. There has to be some sort of a block in my intestines or a kink; because it's very painful on one side of my abdomen. I have been having problems not being able to fart much today but I did ignite a nasty one inside the bicycle shop as this young man was walking by me. I was just standing there debating whether I should be nice and not ignite or just be a stinky Bitch! OK Stinky Bitch it is; because dam it; I've been through too dam much to hold that shit in!; he'll just have to get over it! Shit, it always seems to happen that way!( Oh well; at least I'm laughing about it now!)

I am bummed that I had to take 2 whole Percocets for pain today; one for this morning and one just now. I hope it takes effect soon (yes, I'm in pain as I'm writing but it's only on that 1 side of my abdomen that I'm getting checked out tomorrow). I just emailed my doctor the problems I have been having so maybe I can be seen tomorrow? I know to expect a phone call from him tomorrow; they always seem to answer more quickly online. It's pretty awesome!

The Campbell Relay for Life....

Well we tried our best to start out the morning early but things just happen each time to delay me further. My intestines started to go beserk and the painful anal spasms which were accompanied with the severe vomiting started at about 8:30am (the time we wanted to leave). I was literally grabbing keys, packing the car and then having to spend 1/2 an hour on the Sitz bath dealing with the pain. Poor Amanda was frustrated but patient; she understood my pains and having to deal with them. We finally got to leave at 9:20am (Survivor breakfast 8:30 - 9:45am). We barely made it for the breakfast and it was pretty challenging to find good parking; but we did it!

Some friends of mine whom I haven't seen in up to a year (they just had a baby 3 months ago) arrived with their little survivor "Franchesca". We honestly didn't know if Franchesca would make it through her ordeal being diagnosed at just 1 year old. She went through several surgeries, chemotherapies, and even radiation. She fought hard for 2 years and is now cancer free at 4 years old and she was also the youngest survivor in the whole survivor lap. Here she is getting ready to do the survivor lap (the littlest one) of which her and Amanda held hands during the whole lap; it was very cute to see. I couldn't get good photos from behind and having to move but I did get a few during the survivor lap. Me and Blue Belle were in the middle of the whole crowd of survivors walking. What a beautiful smile this little girl has and so much spirit and inspiration.

She thoroughly enjoyed Blue Belle's presence and it seemed Miss Blue Belle was much more popular than myself just hearing her name being called at various times during the event. I would hear "Look there's Blue Belle!", or "Blue Belle!", and few other references. It was so cool! She would hear her name too and with her ears back, she would turn around to look at who called her name and it was mostly people my husband knew from the neighborhood; and who forgets a face like this?

We were sitting inside of our tent for the "Caped Cure-Saders" where I dropped off my boxes of love. I had put together 3 boxes of spa products that I had left over from dissolving my business a month ago. It seemed perfect in order raise money for this important cause.

My honey arrived a little after 11:30am well after the survivor lap but we at least got to go around the track a few times holding hands and to check out all of the other booths; some even had touching photos of those who had already passed but in all it was evident that this horrible disease has touched so many lives.

We had a good time just walking around checking out all the booths and Amanda even got to decorate a luminary just for me! I got a photo of her with it further down in this very post. Yes, I took tons of photos and will be putting them all into a video with a special song for my family to show that I got to go and to be a part of this special event. I hope next year I can post the video prior to next year's event. I'm so glad that the American Cancer Society does this all over the world; because it is special.

I even got to speak with several survivors as we walked around together. Amanda had to check out all of the displays where candy and toys were involved. Sometimes it took a little bit to find Amanda (I had a few stressful moments) but we all (my husband, me, and Amanda) did have a nice lunch together as we watched so many colorful people round the track including this cool lady in her pink gear. There were so many colorful personalities out on that track. I had a few in wheelchairs stop me to love on Blue Belle. She sort of just provided her own pet therapy to anyone who needed it. It just seemed that way from all the smiles we got from her just being with us!) It was also nice to just have Blue Belle on the track with us during the day as she got her exercise (she needed it!). Oh the smiles she brought!

Here is a photo of me writing "Why I Relay." I want there to be a cure one day and for less people to suffer as I have. Perhaps a combination of all of my experiences can help inspire others to keep on fighting this disease and never give up hope. Life has been fully and totally worth all that I gone through but it would be cool if life were a lot easier and I didn't have so many pains and / or suffering or that I didn't have to keep on with chemo for the rest of my life.

When someone hears the words "You have Cancer", I can't even begin to imagine how much their changes right there at that moment. It would be nice to have a cure so that so much suffering and emotions are not involved but it just seems it might always be that way. Cancer is so different in so many bodies and it is ingrained in DNA that makes it so different for so many and why some treatments work for some and don't for others.

Well at 1pm we finally decided to go home for a little while; I was exhausted so I took a nap and then me and Amanda went out for a bike ride. Now she doesn't really know how to ride a bike very well and her confidence level had been quite low, but she got it and it was quite fun! We had an absolute blast with me on my huge "Old Lady Bike" and her on her customized recycled bike. It was small enough that she could ride where I couldn't ride and make hair pin turns that there is no way I could have made.

After all of the bike riding fun, we started to get hungry so when it finally got dark enough, we had dinner with my honey and then we drove up to see the "Luminaria Ceremony" where we got to see all the lit up luminaries. Me and Amanda went up together to see the ceremony but the parking was very hard to deal with. I made the mistake of letting Amanda out to see the ceremony while I hunted for a parking spot.

It was very hard at first to find Amanda but after about 5 or 6 laps around the track, me and Blue Belle finally found her. Two phones can really make a difference and she forgot her phone!(

I was getting kinda stressed that I couldn't find her and time was approaching that I needed to have her home and to pick up my honey so that we could do our walking shift. It was a miracle when I spotted her and there were a lot more people there in the evening than during the day. Me and Blue Belle didn't have too hard of a time rounding the laps because most of the people were at the center of the track and only a few were left walking as we were. It was easy to do those 5 or 6 laps.

Well Blogger was having a time indeed uploading some of these photos so here finally is the photo of Amanda's finished work of art "the Luminary she made for me". I kept getting error messages and have tried at least a dozen times to upload it. It wouldn't upload the best photo, but this one will have to do. We stayed until about 9:15ish and then I had to go drop her off at her home and then pick up my honey so that we could do my 10pm -11pm shift of walking.

Well we got there but made the mistake of bringing Blue Belle. It was far too dangerous to bring her on the track this late at night. We noticed lots of kids just running around dangerously and bumping into others and even saw one kid get knocked them down (lots of kids just rough housing on the track), it was quite crowded, it was dark, and Blue Belle was tired and she was smelling anything and everything on the track floor while trying to eat things that were also on the track. It was frustrating trying to pull her instead of her leading like she should have been and then people behind us that we were holding up. Kids were riding bikes kinda fast in the wrong direction and nearly clipped her and me several times. We had to be on our toes at all times with her. I tried to approach my teams tent and almost got clipped by a bicycle; he missed me by a hair; it was so scary and I felt so lucky that I didn't get so seriously hurt.

For the first time in 3 times of doing Relay for Life and only doing it at night; I started to get some anxiety and so did my husband; we did a few laps, but then just stayed on the side of the track and watched others as they rounded the track while we absorbed the excitement and then we decided it was time that we went home and it was well before my shift was over. I felt bad, that I was cheating but we just couldn't help it. There were so many people still walking out on the track - several hundred at least and it was quite overwhelming for both of us as we both felt guilty for putting Blue Belle through all of that.

She is a service dog but she is also our pet and family member. We just can't put her through that kind of danger and I didn't even think about this at all; just thinking that she would get an hour walk which I felt she really needed but today she will get more than enough exercise to continue her diet of loosing at least 5 lbs and me gaining 15 lbs if possible!) Well yes more fun exciting adventures on the way!

Overall if was still a great Relay for Life. It was my first one in Campbell (I had done two in Los Altos) and always did the night shift which was very, very peaceful; but I didn't have Blue Belle. This was pre-Blue Belle times and when I was on medication for depression. Now I no longer need it!)

What it takes to kick this disease...

That is probably the question of the century. I get so mad when I see all the money being wasted on a war with the wrong country that attacked us in the 1st place. The insane amounts of money being tossed away in a toilet in Iraq when there could be money being used for researching this terror called "Cancer". It is not something totally out of the question to solve; it is possible. How many more lives do we need to loose? Millions more? How about billions? I have made up my mind that mine is not going to be one of them! I have the will in my heart to keep on going even when it seems impossible; I can feel that inner strength inside me that tells me to never give up. I have so much hope in my heart that I can beat this. I also have too much to live for and so much to do with my life. It's not over yet!

Today I rode my bike and attempted to do some swimming laps in the pool but I just couldn't get over the fact that the pool felt cold even at 84 degrees. It could have been some of the slob that I was seeing in the pool along with with lots of hair?

I was also on the phone catching up with others for whom I have been so horrible at keeping in touch with. They now have AT&T and we can talk for free!) I missed my chance (to swim this weekend).

Blue Belle did amazing as she ran along side me on my monster bike; it kinda feels like a Monster now that I seem to be doing the balancing act on it. I'm so tiny and I bet it out weighs me by at least a hundred pounds.

Yesterday I did 7 laps around the complex on the bike with Miss Blue Belle and then swam 3 laps in the pool. I felt quite accomplished and my honey went to the hospital to pick up my Protonix (I ran out a few days ago) and since then have been puking up a storm at night and in the mornings. The Protonix seem to have not gotten enough into my system to take effect just yet.

It wasn't very pleasant for my honey to hear when he awoke yesterday. He was trying to be all romantic and then I ran for the toilet and started puking up a storm. How incredibly sad!( I felt like a total shit and I told him I did not feel like puking because he made me feel like puking because that is not at all the truth!(. I love that man with all of my heart and soul; so I took it personally when he tried to show affection towards me and that stupid puke just had to come out; I still ran for the toilet with my mouth covered. I puked out quite a bit, but it sucked because it was the wrong moment for it to happen! My Love understood completely. He felt bad for me and was worried. He called at lunchtime to find out what I needed and I did tell him that my prescription had run out. He did all the rest and went and got it for me!)

OK back to whey I didn't do any laps today in our pool. Well, our pool is more public and kids tend to bring up the bacteria level in a pool which can cause my kidneys and bladder to go ballistic with the infections. My doctors did warn me of this. I am planning to use the pool Tuesday - Thursday and the rest of the week I can just ride my bike; everyday will be exercise to get my body stronger. I am also going to try to eat as good as I can or best I can. I don't know how to just yet, because most of the time; I don't feel like cooking or cleaning up while cooking. It's kind of hard to do now. I just can't do any more shakes for a while; they nauseate me to no end and the texture is not working for me anymore; besides most shakes look like poo to me (they might as well taste like it too!(; I guess just the same as the black bean soup.

I'm taking a little break from them (for now) and will try to get my nutrients more so from the kid vitamins. Somehow I need to get more protein into my diet but I need to take a break from those shakes. I just can't stomach them any more!( Maybe I can sneak some protein powder in some food? Pancakes? Homemade breads? I don't know, but I do need to find a way and try to be creative.

Well I did take Miss Blue Belle with me to the vet today and Igot a second opinion on her teeth cleaning and the amount of weight she needs to loose. She must loose at least 5 lbs and then work from there. She is a larger Sheltie but she is turning into a little meatball!) I won't let it happen and we had to tell the cook at the pub that she is no longer to receive any more tri tip. I cut down on her food here and of course I have been exercising her and me like crazy these last couple of days. I still have to deal with pain daily and still getting those muscle spasms but just a few times a day. See that doesn't even stop me; I just have to time things just right with my system.

Tomorrow is the "Relay for Life" and I put together 3 boxes (they were cheaper than the baskets at Tuesday Morning!). I had some extra products from closing down my business (long story, not cut out for owning my own business or processing orders), but anyway I did have some extra products and decided to donate them for this charity event. I filled each of the boxes with bath Salts, Massage Oils, facial wash, moisturizers, teas, and even a mud body wrap; just spa products for each of these boxes which will be raffled off tomorrow.

I just spoke with another friend whom I haven't spoken to in months; anyway she has a daughter that is 4 and is a survivor of spinal and /or brain cancer who will also be doing the survivor walk with me and Blue Belle. I plan to take lots of photos and tomorrows update may not be until Sunday after the Farmer's Market! We will see!) Amanda is also walking the survival walk with me and we are also planning on attending the breakfast. I have to get it together my team is called the "Caped Cured Saders" so look out!) I may see many other friends tomorrow showing their support. It is a touching event and I can't wait to experience this with my Lover!)

Government Services are appreciated....

Please forgive me as this post might just seem like its all over the place. I haven't posted in 4 days so I imagine many might have been worried that I had been hospitalized. No, just very busy and having a blast healing; but not yet gaining weight. Somehow most of this post somehow got deleted and I'm pretty bummed at Google for that. Anyway, I'm getting over it.

As for suffering, I am having pain when I pee and poo (hemi pains = most unpleasant!). It's kind of painful to feel and to have to go mostly constantly or so it seems; sometimes I get a hour or more break and can actually get in the car and go do things; like grocery shopping, dropping off paid bills, making deposits, and so on. I am dealing very well with with the pain that I have; I'm taking pain killers only on an "as needed" basis.

I forget to sometimes and my honey will have to remind me that I shouldn't make myself suffer in too much pain. Cancer is a very painful disease and many don't understand this part of the disease. Sometimes I get these very sharp piercing pains to a weird type of spasm like nerve pains (either in my intestines or anus) which almost feel as if the cancer is eating me alive. It freaks me out and then I have to calm myself down with Blue Belle at my side; so then I imagine those cells dying and cell death just happening spontaneously inside my body. That works out pretty good for me using visualization techniques to kill this stupid cancer!

Well the pain in my peehole lately has caused me to start worrying about my stint and if it comes out on it's own. I'm so scared of this happening sometimes. It really scares the crap out of me and I hope this doesn't happen. I believe it would break my heart because living without that nephostomy bag has been a total blessing.

I just stood in the shower this morning in total heaven (as I do most mornings); I was totally enjoying washing my hair, shaving my legs, even the hot water hitting my back where at once it was forbidden for so many months. If you were able to take a shower this morning; I certainly hope you never ever take it for granted; I hope you loved it as much as I did; it really is a blessing and I thank San Jose Water and the Santa Clara Valley Water District. These two government entitities ensure that we all have clean working water for our homes. We have to pay each month, but it's not a whole lot. I feel its worth it!)

What would we do without them? The local government that sucks? or that people say sucks? I don't see the problem with public employees at all where we are hiring local citizens for jobs that help out our communities. I think these community run organizations are wonderful and prices; especially garbage removal, recycling, schools, and I feel hospitals should be on that list too! They each create jobs while we pay for those services monthly (water, garbage, etc)

I honestly feel there should be health care for all who are working; my poor brother does not even have health insurance (he totally works his butt off); neither does my mother and they literally do work their asses off. I'm kinda puzzled by the whole if you don't have a job, you get free insurance, free food, free money and then if you do have a job; you can't get that free healthcare. If you are working, paying taxes, you should by all means have access to that healthcare. I'm sure they are not the only hard working Americans who simply do not have health insurance. If you have a job; you should have health insurance. My own mother has to purchase medications monthly and it's not cheap what she pays for her medications. She is considered too young to even retire or qualify to get on Medicare.

Go Obama! Let's get a health plan for everyone deserving of one!) I have to admit that I do have a problem with those who play victim and don't help themselves or others. They just expect that everything will be handed to them on a golden platter or they just steal from others, expect that the government is all there to take care of them or that all of us taxpayers are supposed to take care of them. Pull your own weight! Life isn't like that; you have to work to get where you want to go; life is all about effort.

OK I got off track a little but I do feel this is very important and have been thinking about it a lot.

OK, I will start with Sunday; I watched my temperature quite closely the entire day, I took so many photos of 98.2, 98.4, 98.1, 98.6, 98.7, then 98.0. Since I was obviously OK, I decided to take Miss Blue Belle with me to the Farmer's Market; she proudly wore her service vest and worked with me as I shopped. She made sure that I smiled that entire time and of course stopped plenty of traffic with her beauty and charm enough so to make everyone else there smile!) I was able to get some veggies and of course plenty of potatoes in hopes they will help fatten me up. I love the Farmer's Market!)

The heartburn has returned with a vengeance these last couple of days and I have been vomiting and of course having lots of hot flashes at night (it's got to be the Tamoxifen). I can't seem to get above 113; that's been my stopping point for this week. This is probably why I haven't been gaining the weight that I should be. I have been pigging out, but it all seems to come out right away.

Well on Monday, a good friend stopped to visit me from work and to bring by what I call a "Box of Love". It contained cards, homemade gifts (I love what comes from the heart = it's the best!), the best was this CD (I loved every song on it and can't stop listening to it), a beautiful home made necklace and ear rings (which I wore yesterday to the mall= it was worn with this outfit just under this smock that I am cleaning Blue Belle in), there were even some healing crystals which will be ultra fun researching to find out the best way these crystals are place on the body and how! Tonto was especially happy the one that had included the cat nip growing kit. This box of love was from so many loving and caring people in my own department. I'm so touched to still be thought about after all these months. The planting of the Catnip should be a fun project to do here in the house as I heal and try to gain 15 more pounds until I start back to work!) They all will be!)

Well the cool thing is, that I have been getting quite a bit of exercise lately and will be swimming tomorrow morning as well. I was supposed to yesterday (I didn't see the pool cleaners at all), but then again I did get to go to the mall yesterday to help out my local economy in any way that I can!) I bought 2 pairs of shorts and 2 tops and lunch for me and Amanda. We actually had 2 lunches just for me = still trying to gain some weight.

I do feel much better after all of this exercise and of course after taking a pain pill for my poor butthole pain (yowww!( I'm totally not a butthole so what's with my butthole pain? = well I did get sewn up down there and I can kinda sorta feel scar tissue where my intestines and anus were sewn together. Pretty trippy and not something to be totally proud of, but I am terribly proud to have survived so much and will continue to. As I say over and over and over again; I just wish for others to be happy that they are not having these types of pain; just be happy for what you already have right there in front of you!)

Be glad that you have your life no matter what; we all have to suffer in life in so many different ways; my suffering is so worth living. I have so many wonderful people in my life right now; and of course the best husband I could ever ask for.

Times might be tough but I always compare them to what I have already endured and its helps me get stronger every day. I have great days, and most of all "LOVE" in my life. I have managed to have created love from so many that I am in contact with and that makes me very happy!). What a great feeling!)

We kick ass together....

My honey and I basically just took it easy today and relaxed, had naps together, and got to talk on the phone with some family. I had a few problems with pain, but no fevers today until now. The fever never hit 102.3 which is the danger zone for me. I won't be playing anymore with that; no more stubbornness; I promise. It got up to 101.2 and then all of my efforts (all of our efforts = yes he helped!) paid off. We got that fever knocked out cold and so cold that it got down to 97.8. It stayed pretty low most of the day but I was still pretty weak.

How awesome is that for teamwork? Well I'm still not out of the woods just yet, but I just need to make it through this weekend (4th of July Weekend). I DO NOT wish to be in the emergency room at all this weekend. Let all the fools who blew up their hands, had a DUI and crashed, or those innocent bystanders and much more; food poisoning from outside BQ's and so much more be addressed. I don't wish to add another number and risk waiting and ruin my honey's weekend; he has another day off and we can make it! I will see a doctor on Monday, get my blood, piss, and shit tests if needed; (I just don't want to go to the emergency room during the 4th of July Weekend!).

I can keep this fever down and proved it last night. If it and when it hits the danger mark of 102.3, I will reluctantly go to the emergency room (Advice nurse will be called upon 1st!) during 4th of July weekend. I will endure what I have to if I have to. Right now, I think I'm OK!) It's still in the safe zone for me and I'm working right now to get it back down to normal. It has remained mostly normal for most of the day so I'm a little surprised at this reading. I do plan to post updates to let you know how we did as a team to conquer these fevers. It's still low enough to do some Extra Strength Tylenol, Emergencee Vitamin C, and some Motrin for any infection that could be occurring. That's exactly what dozens of advice nurses have already told me.

Yes, I call them often; surprised they don't all know me. I'm so thankful they are here in California; employed to help me. I always ask them where they are as I do all help, advice or Customer Service people. I need to know where they are. I hope they all get to keep their jobs here because I understand most of them (some English isn't so good so I tend to be the chemobrain that I am and have to ask for repeats of up to 20 times; sometimes I have to be directed to someone who speaks better English. Wow I suck sometimes but I just can't help myself for being the way that I am.

I want all of us to have jobs that can help each other. I just haven't accepted outsourcing of jobs just yet; I know Ebay is doing this because I have spoken with many customer service reps who I just couldn't understand their English very well and they couldn't understand me or my concerns. This is just one example of many. I hope everyone gets to go back to work and everything gets fixed soon. I know it will happen just like there will be a cure for my cancer sometime soon.

OK, enough politics discussed. No stress for me!) I had my yummy tuna melt that lasted me all day long, some yummy mac & cheese, Ginger snaps, and popsickles!) I made my honey an awesome breakfast and lunch! I tried my best to eat breakfast and could only eat a peach and 1/2 a slice of plain bread toast. I made him my favorite Cinnamon French Toast, perfectly scrambled eggs with ham & cheese, 1 slice of bacon (2 pieces = 1 sliced in half), and some tots! Then for his lunch, Turkey Club and mac & cheese. We didn't BQ, but we both napped quite a bit today and got to walk Blue Belle. I'm still feeling quite weak and can't really walk too far with out feeling too dizzy.

I also got to have an ultra long conversation with my mom where she reminisced about being a mother and seeing my brother catch his first fish. She was there and it was awesome to hear her version of the story. She will always remain to me an awesome story teller. I seemed to have remembered a photo of my brother but I can't locate it anywhere but it is ingrained in my brain of him holding up proudly a catch with him smiling really big and wide with some of his teeth missing; the cute little blond haired jack-o-lantern boy!)

Well anyway, she goes on with the story that he caught this small blue gill fish of some sort (I think I forgot what kind of fish it was but it wasn't very large), anyway he was so excited when the cork started bobbing, he didn't know exactly what to do so my mom helped assist him in realing in his first ever catch. I think he might have been 3-4 years old; but once he got it on realing it in; it was fun until the fish landed right there in front of him jumping like crazy. It may have even landed on his foot, but he turned around so fearfully and started running for the hills; he was still holding his fishing pole (was not about to let go of it) and thinking that that evil fish was chasing him as it bopped around after him on the string. He was crying up a storm and my mom had to go get him and help him. He was running just as fast as could through this pasture. What a cute story! Well now my brother loves to fish and of course those fish don't scare him any more. He catches big bass now and of course he lost his last cell phone in the fishing boat so now it stays in his beloved truck! It's got some sentimental value now being from his sister in California!)

Well I'm dealing as you can see with another fever, but intend to keep it under control as I did last night and plan on seeing a doctor; 1st thing Monday. I do feel strong enough to do this again; OK hopefully no more poo samples; that was totally and completely disgusting = I will do it again even though it sucked horribly to have to do. It's the price I have to pay to keep on livin! Just be happy you don't have to do the same. I'm toughing it out on a busy, busy Holiday weekend!) From my last doctor visit; I didn't have any infections in my poo or my blood; I did have a slight bladder infection which ended up being nothing; this is also my reluctance to go. I had 104 temperature one weekend (1st weekend my honey had off since starting back at work); just could not do it to him; so instead, I toughed it out the weekend and saw a doctor the first thing on that Tuesday. (I don't believe I had a fever at all that Monday but I did get scheduled to be seen by my doctor on that Tuesday).

So yes, these fevers to me are like "been there done that and can do it again!" I know that I can, but if it starts to get ridiculous we will see how my hardheadedness treats me. It's a holiday weekend that I wish to not be in the hospital. I have been to the hospital too many holiday weekends to count and I can't necessarily do that again. It was horrible to experience in the past and sitting in horrible pain waiting up to 4 hours to get an IV where I could have been at home treating what ever was happening to me; not sitting in an uncomfortable gurney while I wait and wait and wait and wait!( They give me and IV and then I just get fluids and that's it for another 4 hours.

4th of July in the Emergency Room is hell if you only have a fever and not a gun shot wound or a DUI. DUI's suck too, but not for victims of stupid accidents. People need to learn to be more responsible. I hope they do. I will be calling an advice nurse before I go to emergency; perhaps I can tough it out until Monday morning. We will see!) It's watch and wait but I have confidence. See I'm pretty tough at most life or death situations and have been in plenty of them to know. For right now, I am very much enjoying being at home so very much and am willing to take a cold shower tonight; for now it's cold compresses and plenty of popsickles, cranberry juice and plenty of water and fluids!) I can get though these blasted fevers.

Advice nurse will be called shall the fever exceed the danger point of 102.3. No worries for me!) Thank you all for your prayers and concerns!) It really means a lot!) Hope you all have a wonderful 4th of July weekend!)

UPDATE: Fever gone! Wow! Thank God! My honey and I can kick some fever ass together! What a team we make!) Well actually I do have to admit that I was onto this little fever and will be paying much attention for the rest of this weekend. I still have some congestion and I still feel it might still be that flu or cold my honey and I have been suffering from these last couple of weeks. My honey just kicked it a few days ago; I thought I had a few times but it keeps coming back for me and the congestion is just starting to clear up a little bit. I'm still coughing quite a bit and the shortness of breath is still there. I still plan on seeing a doctor on Monday if I get another fever tomorrow or tonight. More than likely I will have another fever and I will schedule seeing a doctor when I call the Advice line tomorrow.