Will it be Thanksgiving in the Hospital?..

You guessed it; I'm back in the hospital. Here's what's up!)

Well Monday morning around 3am; I woke up vomiting and in severe abdominal pain. I tried to just relax and take a bath (yes in the middle of the night = it seemed like it would be good thing to do) but that didn't do so much and I also tried not to wake up my husband. Finally I just couldn't take it anymore and knew right away that it was time to go to ER again!(.

My honey was such a good sport about it; he got a little more sleep than I did because I kept getting up over and over and over again through out the night to go pee, poo, crying in pain, and to vomit. It seemed that it was just never ending and that the the painful spasms in my abdomen and in my back (kidneys?) would never go away. My honey helped me to get dressed since I was in such great pain that I couldn't even bend over to put on my underwear, socks, and pants. Yes, after that nice bath; I dried off and couldn't even put my own clothes back on because I was in such severe pain that I just climbed into bed naked (like that hasn't happened before!)

Once I was dressed we drove to the hospital and of course we grabbed one of Blue Belle's poo bags for me to puke in on the way to the hospital; & boy did I ever need it! I puked almost the entire way and it was mostly extremely painful, painful dry heaves and when there was nasty vomit; it tasted incredibly horrid. My tummy felt as if it were going to tear in half from doing so many hundreds of sit ups.

Once we got to the hospital; we were both super impressed with the fast service we got (I guess they could totally tell that I wasn't feeling so hot!) The nice nurse up front immediately brought us into a room right away. I was helped into a gurney for which I could not find a comfortable position to lie down. I started having an anxiety attack once I was put into that gurney; I swear those had to be some of the worst brushes of pain I had ever felt. These painful spasms were at least a 10 (always the pain scale of 1-10) with out a doubt for the pain (OK maybe it was a 20 but it was so aweful!!!).

I screamed in pain (I must have scared everyone in that ER) and could not for the life of me control my body. I grabbed things, knocked things over and screamed like an uncontrollable brat child. I kept saying "I'm sorry" everytime I did scream or knock things over and for everything that I did but I honestly had no control over what was happening to my body. I felt like these little aliens were inside my body with sharp scales all over them cutting my insides up.

Finally a nurse a nurse grabbed my arm with the picc line got me some good pain medication pumped into my needy veins and that instantly calmed me down. I could still feel some amount of pain as I just layed in my husband's arms in total relief with tears streaming down my face from the fear I had been having. I was so scared that this could be it; it could be the end of me.

I had to get out of that state of mind and look at that wonderful man who was holding me and to breath hard because I don't wish to die like this! I think I was in my own way staying as strong as could in those horrible moments of that pain. I had never behaved in that way ever before and I will do it again just to stay alive. I kept thinking that it's just my little old intestines not knowing what the hell to do with the food I had been eating these past couple of days? Poor things; they have been cut up on so many times so I'm hoping that eventually things will fix themselves and that miracles do happen!) I will keep that in mind always!)

After numerous x-rays and a CAT scan it was revealed that I have a tumor that is growing on my abdominal wall (sucks but it could easily be killed by some good old natural cures!); I have faith what can I say. But that's not the only thing; also blood tests revealed that the reason I have been lacking in energy is because I desperately needed a blood transfusion (the chemo killed lots of good cells in the process; so what's with the tumor?). Well because of the blockage I also had to have an NG tube inserted down my right nostril into my tummy in order to suction everything out of my tummy and in hopes that I won't need another surgery.

We have done this many times before so I'm not too worried except for the pain that just doesn't seem to go away. I got admitted and into my own room after being in ER for 12 hours. Thank god it was the second floor (I love most of the nurses on this floor). I did have some excellent nurses in ER this time around that I will never ever forget. Each experience is new; that's for sure!) These nurses sure made my experience so much better and I even laughed a little at their jokes and mine.

This one particular guy named Henry who was an ex farmer; we had some great conversations about animals (best subject ever); we bragged about our old pets and the types of animals we have each have had. Oh how I love to talk about animals!) There was another awesome dude nurse (I hope that's not offensive but I feel all nurses regardless of gender can be great) from North Carolina (only 1 year younger than me!).

We both had moved away from the South for very similar reasons; mostly for never really fitting in and feeling we were needed out here more (our soul mates) . He also spoke of some ultra religious people he knew who happened to be very greedy and cruel towards others they felt were not of equal wealth. I really wish I could remember this one phrase he said (it was so good); I hope to hear it again. Both of these nurses took such good care of me and made sure I had pain meds or what ever I needed to feel better. This is just evidence that you can't just go around feeling sorry for yourself and to try to enjoy the moments around you whether you realize them or not; it wasn't so bad being in ER. Yes there are other places I would have rather been but I try my best to make use of every moment that I do have no matter what.

I have been having to use a lot more pain medications lately and for valid reasons; I felt so guilty having to go through them as I have been; but my doctors all agree for good reasons. If they were in my shoes they would do be forced to do the same; that's what some of the nurses would say and one of them did tell me that I should ask any doctor what they would do if they were faced with my circumstance. I really have had some amazing nurses (can't even say enough about them!) this go around and it's nice to be back on the 2nd floor where most of my favorites reside although there are some amazing ones in emergency and some of the other floors I have stayed as well.

Today has been all about healing; my urinary infection is so far (no cultures seen so far) which means that I have finished my rounds of antibiotics (for now) but it's scaring me that I still have to keep with this NG tube and if I am away from it too long; my abdomen will start with horrible stabs of jabbing pain. I hope that goes away soon; no appetite so far which looking on the bright side of things is kinda good since I am forced to not eat until the output on my NG tube decreases; the pains go away. It could be hunger pains I am feeling but I really can't tell to be quite honest. My white counts are cool so I don't have to get another Nupogen shot (oh god those hurt and I only had to get one in my left arm). I had to get 2 pints of blood last night from an infusion but I may still need another one. I also had a small fever of 101 and another couple at 99. something. (on the constant look out for infections). So that's what life in the hospital has been like so far. I'm still smiling and with lots of high hopes. I have done 3 laps around my floor today and a few yoga stretches and lots of breathing exercises which have helped some. I'm determined more than ever that I will stronger and will get out of here soon!

The high lights of my day consisted of a 2 lap walk with my honey around the halls and we even visited with one patient but we didn't get too close because of my low immune system. Blue Belle really cheered up this mother and daughter to no end; we had to stop because of the cute sound of this little ladies voice as she asked if Blue Belle was a working or therapy dog. We just stopped for a few moments as they both got to touch Blue Belle's soft fur. They too had a sheltie but she had passed on a few years ago so it was only the right thing to do to respond as we were walking by. The nurses absolutely love my little precious one and it always makes me happy to see others smile at just her beautiful presence and of course that infamous Blue Belle bow / stretch.

My honey stopped by twice today; we took a nice long nap together and even watched a movie when he came back. We also Skyped for a little bit as I got to hello to Mr. Tonto and his gigantic huge big feet. I'm serious; Tonto's feet are really big for a cat; he's almost like a Bobcat; only no tail at all.

When my honey first picked him up; he had the webbed part of his feet stretched out and it almost covered the entire screen with huge Tonto feet. It was so hilarious and then he struck this look as I was struggling to try to photograph them and they are even webbed!

Well that's my update so far and I may not get to eat my turkey dinner on Thanksgiving but I sure hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and that the media isn't scaring the shit out of you too much with the H1N1 fright. If I can make it through all of this crap; I'm sure many of you will get through any illness. Enjoy life and Peace and Love to all!

A Miserable existence.....for now...

I have been suffering from the extreme effects of this surgery these last couple of days. It sure as hell hasn't been easy and that's a total understatement. I still have yet to get a full (in over 4 nights) night's sleeps and this has been taking a toll on me quite a bit. I'm surely sweet Jayne all the way and now I have been bitch Jayne.

I have only been able to take maybe 20 - 30 minutes naps all night long because my vitals have to be taken every hour on the hour because of being on the PCA pump for pain. This is the reason I am unable to sleep at all throughout the night; I'm simply not allowed to or at least that's what it seems. I have to be awakened no matter what and have my vitals (blood pressure, oxygen, and temperature) taken every hour on the hour even though nothing seems to change at all in any of them. How incredibly annoying is this? I really do need to sleep or at least I thought that one should be able to for at least 5-6 hours with out being interrupted; but NO! NO! NO!, not here at Kaiser, I have to have those vitals taken every single hour.

Oh and the lights must be bright, bright, and very bright; so much so that they must be taken when I am fully awakened. OK it sucks donkey shit and every kind of shit there is. I still can't get over that I am not allowed to get a full nights sleep here but if I want to be rid of pain; I have be awakened no matter what.

During one of my 20 minute naps I awoke dreaming that I was making my honey his morning cup of coffee, then his travel mug of coffee, his peanut butter and jelly sandwich and of course the rest of his lunch. How I do miss being at home, being helpful and just doing all the things that shows him just how much I really do love him and of course all those little ways of showing him exactly how much I love him; that I appreciate him more than anything in the world and that I'm extremely blessed to have the most wonderful man on earth. I can't wait to go home. I was pissed off to get awoke from a dream like that!

Well today, I had a huge day of progress. It started out totally and completely miserable with me being totally angry with all the nurses that kept on waking me up all through out the night; I would finally get to sleep and then I was awakened for my temperature taking, that stupid sweaty blood pressure thingy and that stupid finger thingy that measures my oxygen. How necessary is it to have to do this every hour on the hour and sometimes I know it was taken every half hour at times. What the hell? I must have been awoken at least 20-30 times. I was so pissed off and angry for not getting any sleep. No one would allow me to sleep!(

OK back to my progress; I was sweaty and miserable in my bed, hurting and not at all feeling all that great; I felt like total shit; I was grumpy as hell for being awoken all night long, my throat hurt from the stupid NG tube, the pee hole bag was really starting to annoy me and I wanted it out right away. Then there are those little foam baggy velcro things that wrapped around my leg; well those were really itching my leg (those things help for circulation). I was so incredibly uncomfortable and a total freaking mess and I must have been a total head case too being with out so much sleep in so many days.

A nice nurse came in a few minutes later to help me get out of bed ad get seated in the bathroom so that I could give myself a good little washcloth bath, then change into my gown. While I was washing myself off, she changed my bed. After I was dressed, I decided to get up and go for a t walk in hopes that the Foley Catheter would be removed. I walked a full 2 laps around my hospital floor at around 11:30am. I felt accomplished at least and was able to get some help so that I could climb back into my clean bed and try to attempt to get some sleep.

After I was just a few seconds from REM sleep, in walked a nurse to check my vitals. That stupid little cart was the last thing I wanted to see. She turned on the brightest of the bright lights and I was totally floored more than anything, I felt exactly like grabbing that whole little cart and just tossing it out of my room into a million pieces. I so wanted to do that. I was totally and completely pissed off at her. What the FUCK I thought to myself. "What the FUCK!" I was almost there! I literally was almost completely asleep and then I was robbed of that relaxation moment of sleep; the most important one; having a good dream with my honey on vacation. Well I put up with her shit and then just gave up on trying to sleep anyway. I must have made her feel like shit but she was only doing her job. I asked her; "am I the patient who is not allowed to sleep?" "Am I just not allowed to sleep at all here?". "What the hell? I have not slept in 4 days and I was just about there; you didn't even knock; you just turn on the brightest lights you can find and I feel you did this on purpose; just to annoy me!" Oh GOD I was so pissed at her.

Her English was so bad that she didn't understand me at all so I had to repeat myself like 3 times. I asked her "I know I'm forbidden at night to sleep but what in my health is so bad that I am not allowed to sleep?" What good is this doing me to not allow me to sleep? What are you guys doing to me? I went off and just lost it. I just wanted to know why am not allowed to sleep; why do I have to keep getting woken up? I had just had my vitals taken just before I went on my 15 minute walk; so it had to have been like 40 minutes later. I just wanted some peace and quiet and to sleep and why am constantly getting woken up? "Can you please just give me 3 hours of peace and quiet at some point today? "I would very much like to sleep and "Please"? "Can I please, please, please get some sleep, some peace and quiet? Can you please just leave me alone so that I can do that?" I lost it but I did apologize to her and tell her "I know you are just doing your job but for me this is really annoying and I don't see why my vitals have to be taken so incredibly often; can you please just lay off for just a few hours so that I can at least sleep?"

Getting all worked up worked up did nothing for me to even attempt to go back to sleep. I was completely out and just totally pissed off. Don't get me wrong, I am a very good person with a heart of gold, I would give the shirt off my back to help anyone in need but if I don't my sleep, I can turn into a seriously mean ass bitch. I guess I just can't handle doing with out my sleep. I don't feel that asking for sleep is like asking for all the gold in the world and that's exactly what it has been seeming like lately. Sleep for me now is exactly like gold. If I can get it; I'm totally happy; if not I guess I'm just a bitch. "Oh please don't let Jayne have her sleep; she might die in her sleep if she does."

It was such a good thing that my friend Amy stopped by today. Check out these beautiful flowers in the cute little vase she got me. We picked the rosemary from the garden. I was so happy to see her. She had stopped by last night and what really touched my heart is that she drove all the way from Santa Barbara just to see me; just to see little old me!)

She sure cheered me up and it was so nice to be able to spend the rest of the day with her. It was such a nice girly day!) We mostly sat in my room talking about old times and about the way things used to be in each of our lives; all the traumas and things that we have both gone through and that has strengthened us and made us each stronger women. Neither of us have kids and nor do we ever plan to; our ideal kids are our pets and I guess that's what makes our friendship so special. It helped quite a bit to talk and get feelings out that I guess I had held in for all these years; yes we even cried together.

It was such a good visit; Amy and I had not always been close but this visit really opened my eyes and heart to her even more. This is just another example of how cancer changes your life so much and how you see the people in your life. I have also lost touch with many whom I thought were good friends but then when they found out I had cancer; they wanted nothing more to do with me. Maybe I will see them again in the future or maybe not. It doesn't really hurt my feelings that much but I'm glad that I now know who my true friends are in life.

We decided to go on a walk for a little bit but I want to first get rid of this stupid Foley Catheter before going on a walk; I couldn't imagine walking and then having to sit down with that stupid thing up my puss; I just didn't want to try walk again with it in. Its not at all comfy so I called my sweet nurse Ershod (he really is a great nurse) to come and take it out. I pushed the call button and he came practically right away. It think he maybe one of the best nurses at arriving faster than most nurses.

What an awkward procedure; I was a little bit shy of him having to see my little puss but I really wanted that thing out; puss or no puss. I had to take a deep breath and breath out as it came out. Wheeewwww, that was a tad bit uncomfy! I thought it would hurt far worse but thankfully it was gone. Me and Amy clapped our hands in joy and I was so incredibly relieved. We could now go on our walk! Yippee!

We decided to go outside for a little walk in the Rosemary garden. It was so nice and peaceful to be able to sit outside to relax and to talk some more. That's one thing about us is that we never ever run out of things to talk about. I'm so happy for her that she has finally found the love of her life. He seems like such a great guy with a heart of gold. I can't wait to meet him. We both have great men to be proud of and that will stand by our sides no matter what; excellent me who love us no matter what.

It was finally time to go back inside (my IV battery was beeping and about to die), so we went inside my room and talked some more. Not long after, she finally got to meet my sweet little Blue Belle.

I wished I would have thought to take a photo of both of them together; but instead I have this shocking photo of my newest scar. See, I finally got the bandage removed from my surgery so that you can see all 14 staples. It's so trippy that the cut is just above my belly button. I'm so glad that it is because I was afraid that I have finally lost beloved little belly button. I know of so many woman who have already lost theirs and despite all the cuts and scars on my belly button (it's been cut there 5 times), it's still a pretty and cute little belly button that I will proudly sport in a bikini. I guess I'm kinda sick that way in that I don't mind showing off my battle wounds. I'm so proud of my self that I have survived so much. I just want the world to see just how tough I am and that if they too get diagnosed with this dreadful disease; they too can fight it as I have; stand strong, stand tough and beat it!) If you have that self determined will to live; you can beat it.

I also accredit medical cannabis for my prolonged survival. So dam you politicians who are dumb enough to think that this incredibly miracle plant has no medical value; Dam you! Yes, I'm not a big fan of stupid greedy, dishonest politicians who have never walked in my shoes and feel they must decide what is best for me and that they have a right to end my life just like that.

This plant has helped sustain me and has kept me alive in so many ways. Even though I am not on it now; I will be when I return home to get stronger and stronger. I will utilize this wonderful plant in order to help stimulate my appetite, keep me hydrated and of course help me with much needed pain relief.

Well tonight after I got my new bag of milk food, I am now getting a bag of blood; yes a blood transfusion was needed from this surgery. I had been loosing some color in my skin, my energy wasn't so good and of course the lack of sleep I'm sure had something to do with a lot of this. They had to unhook my PCA pump for pain for a whole 3 hours and in case I do get any pain, I will have to take a shot in my ass of morphine. It was either that or get another IV in my left arm which is totally and completely out of the question. I'm tough, I can handle 3 hours with out pain meds and if not, get that shot in my ass!)

As for tonight's plan, I was able to talk with a head nurse about adding some sleep to my schedule. (Sorry you have had to read on and on and on about my bitchiness and my stupid complaining about the dam sleep). Well I get to sleep uninterrupted tonight from 12am - 4am!) I'm so stoked! I will have to make sure that I take something to sleep since I can't sleep all by myself with out anything. Peace and love to all and more updates to come!)

X-rays, CAT scans, GI Studies....

This post will be very brief as it is an update on how I am doing in the hospital and what's going on in here. What are they doing for me to get better other than starving me to death.

Well had my vein in my elbow finally give out last night and boy was it painful. Check it out; I actually took a photo of it with my iPhone. I will end up being here for a while; we don't see me going home until sometime next week.

The blockage is actually worse than we had initially thought since I have been vomiting at night (mostly undigested food) which does tell the doctors that there is some sort of a kink just as I had suspected. I can actually feel where the kink is or at least it seems that I can.

I really thought that I would get to go home by Thursday but more than likely the soonest would be Monday of next week or even later (there is even the possibility of 2 types of surgeries) of which I was supposed to start back at work that day. My doctor is going to extend my disability for another two weeks or up to a month (my husband strongly feels it should be a month) so that I can heal and make sure that I am able to digest food in the mean time. As it is now; it is more than apparent that I am unable even digest drinking just water.

I was really looking forward to starting back at work even though I am still quite weak; I figured if I got my ass to work I could get stronger than I have been sitting at home all these months. I have even gone anywhere in over 4 months outside of San Jose; that's pretty sad in that I didn't trust my intestines to do so.

SPECIAL UPDATE: (I just spoke with a doctor so much of this is verified so far) Sorry for the position of this update if you have already read this post already. Well this morning I got to see what my block looked like in my stomach. I'm going to try to see if I can get some sort of a print out so that I can scan it or maybe even photograph with my iPhone. We will see!)

There is an area at the bottom of my stomach that is clogged with lots of food called the duodendum? that connects the stomach to the intestines (I forgot which one= small or large?) but it is flattened and the barium appeared to be having a problem getting through or at least it was taking a while to get through.

I had a few x-rays taken and even stood and lied down on this very trippy table that almost felt as if it was going to tip me upside down. I had to get on it standing up and then it tips me backwards onto my back to sort of move the barium fluid down my system. Then we waited for about half an hour for the barium to travel and then more x-rays. After those x-rays; I was promised some more in about 15-20 minutes. I was pushed over to this door to wait until it was my turn; well 15-20 minutes turned into 2-3 hours (I was completely forgotten about). I figured that maybe they thought that this extra time might be needed for the barium to go through my slow ass system.

All of a sudden I was woken up (thank god I was sleeping in a gurney instead of a wheel chair) by a very nice young man. He was directed to take me back up to my room. I was thankful for that because I started to feel some extremely sharp pains in my abdomen and it was time for some pain medication and I could also call my honey to update him since there was 0 service in the whole radiology department. I couldn't even send him a text. I have been feeling the taste of the barium coming up my esophagus and I hope this isn't a bad sign.

I was told that I would be brought back down for a CAT scan later on. Well that has since changed; how I will need to get an NG tube inserted in order to get rid of the barium and some of the food or much as we can get rid of so that I can get a CAT scan done tomorrow. I guess they don't want to mix the barium with the CAT scan fluid that is needed for the CAT scan.

From this block; there are 2 possibilities; there could be a tumor that is causing the block and they may need to go in and insert a stent or insert another opening in my stomach with some intestine; essentially making a new opening. This will definitely delay me in going back to work. I sure hope that I can eat something soon because it sure is torturous to have to go through all of this. Thank god we are going to try to do all we can to make sure I am at least comfortable prior to that NG tube being inserted (Klonopin via IV and Dilaudid for pain) and some numbing spray for my throat. I know that I need all that I can to calm my ass down while they insert that painful tube up my nose down into my stomach. How incredibly uncomfortable that will be. Well now I have that damned NG tube inserted and I'm not feeling so comfy with it!). God that sucks! I do hope it help clean things out and perhaps a miracle!)

I did get to call my honey who will be stopping by after he takes Miss Blue Belle for her walk and hopefully a romp with her best friend Tess (the Yorkie), then feed Tonto and Blue Belle and then take Miss Blue Belle with him to come see me. Oh and he has to eat his dinner prior to seeing me because it might just drive me madd if he eats in front of me.

I'm so incredibly hungry that it's been torture these last couple of days being both thirsty and feeling as if I am starving to death. He plans to talk with my doctor in order to find out what the purpose is for starving me to death; at least that's how he feels since he doesn't wish for me to loose any more weight. But I do have that dangerous block and I pray that I won't need to be opened up to fix this! Prayers for this block to resolve and perhaps this solution can open things up. I have to use positive thinking in hopes things will resolve on their own. I can't wait to eat something! Here's to me being able to digest some food in the next couple of days (hopefully tomorrow!)

After a few hours of having the stupid NG tube in; I find out that I have to move down 2 floors to another room. I was pretty bummed having to pack up all my things on my bed including my own toilet paper, computer, phone, iPod, books and so much more all stacked in my bed. It is always such a awkward move but we did it and once I got into my new room; in walks the man of my dreams with my beautiful sweet sheltie who didn't seem to care at all that I had this horrible thing hanging on my face. She was there to give me kisses of support and healings. My honey helped set up my room to my comfort where everthing I had was easy to find for me. What a great gentleman! I could be so lucky! More updates to come as I have this CAT scan tomorrow and we will see if this NG tube is able to get rid of all the barium without clogging up. All the best to you all!)

Back from the hospital...New thoughts on feeling better...

Well after a couple of days and a painful post about cherishing your good health, wouldn't you know that I just spent a couple of days in the new Kaiser hospital. I was actually excited (just a little bit) because I knew that they had wireless internet. I was thinking that it was all over the hospital kind of like a Starbucks. I was sadly mistaken, no internet for the sick and dying.

That's just great, so the sick and the dying are practically cut off from the rest of the world when they are hospitalized. It's been like that for quite some time and hopefully that will change soon once patients rights are recognized more clearly. I still got to work some on my Newsletter.

Which brings me back to being in the hospital can be so incredibly depressing. Now I know that I will be even more reluctant to go next time if there is a next time, chances are there will be. I guess you have to take everything away if you are going into the hospital but I have to say they at least let my husband bring my dog for a visit and I was very, very thankful for that. She was wearing her "Therapy Dog" Vest and it certainly brightened my gloomy days in the hospital being hooked up to an IV and an NG tube.

So how in the world did I end up in the hospital? (Please read the post before last if you haven't done so already) Well here you go:

The intense pain that I was feeling before just kept increasing each passing day and then each passing moment as it got more and more intense. I must credit my husband who has been so completely amazing through it all including bring me glasses of water, medications, loading the bong for me so that I could smoke; now this really, really, really helped relieve the intense pain for a little while but the pain would always come back and relentless it was. My husband even went to the store for me to get the most embarrassing items that a man could ever have to buy for his wife; enemas, phosphate sodas, stool softeners, and suppositories. He's been through it all with me (seriously) and it doesn't bother him a bit. Can you believe that love? I am truly amazed by it! (the most important thing he does for me is to make me laugh and that he does plenty!)

I remember this one time when I had these same bowel problems he had asked me "honey can I get you something at the store?" I replied back, "can you please get me a douche bag (so that I could use it as an enema)?" "He said to me "Honey please don't make me buy one of those things, those people at the store are probably already convinced that I'm gay, & that will just pull the trigger on that!" I couldn't believe how much I laughed on that one despite the extreme pain I was in. He did so anyway, but that's the meaning of true love.

Now to get back to how I got in the hospital, I then tried each of those items that he had purchased for me at the store, but nothing was working. We were both quite panicked. This was a full blown abdominal blockage that really needed urgent hospital care.

By 10:30pm I finally told him to go ahead and dial 911. The fire department was the first to arrive and they immediately checked my vitals while also sticking those little white round circles with snaps all over me. "That's where they come from!" I thought. I kinda looked like I could get one of those 80's outfits snapped on me.

I was crying and cringing in pain. and had just vomited just prior to their arrival which really intensified the pain when I innitially thought that it couldn't get to be more painful. I didn't even make myself vomit, my body was just reacting to the block. Contractions were happening every couple of minutes. I thought I was going to give birth to Cancer. During a contraction, I was paralyzed in the most severe pain you could ever possibly imagine. It literally felt as if I were about to die or that I was dying a slow painful death that I didn't deserve. I was also nauseated too which didn't help matters much.

I tried my best to talk to the rescuers between the pain contractions as they were asking me detailed questions as what was going on; but thankfully my husband was there to elaborate while the contractions were happening.

The EMS workers arrived a few minutes later & took me for a bumpy painful ride to the hospital. I was sitting in the ambulance with a really nice paramedic that turned out to be a neighbor of mine who lived in the very same complex just behind us. What a small world I thought. I know I had recognized him and he had even been on a few runs with us before. Many of the workers had recognized us and knew the whole shebang about us. That was so helpful.

We have to call 911 each time because I am so stubborn that it's often close to being too late when I do call. I put up with the pain for a long time before we ever call 911 and I think its because sometimes the blockages will resolve on their own and many times they have. It could even be my high tolerance to the pain and that I'm as tough as nails.

I finally got to the hospital and the nurse tried several times to give me an IV. My darn veins were so hard to find and they even rolled a few times as she tried to stab for the vein. It slipped away each time and I kinda felt bad for her. I could see it in her face that she felt she might injuring me but it was actually a good thing. Being stabbed like that was great for getting my mind of the extreme pain I was in. I tried to explain to her and I could tell right away that she had a heart of gold. She went to get someone else to take a try, but they too were having more difficulties than she was. It often takes several times of jabbing and poking just to find a vein. She tried again and by the 3rd time she got it!

The doctor finally came in to see me and was like, "give this poor girl some morphine!" She could tell right away what was happening with my body and that I was indeed in pain. The morphine helped quite a bit for the pain, more so that the pot did. The effect was not much longer because I needed another dose 25-30 minutes later. I also got some Benadryl which helped with the itches that I sometimes get from either the morphine or the Delotted pain medication. Both are very strong narcotics but the bad thing is that these narcotics often make your bowels hardly function. It's like your bowels go to sleep and this in turn can cause severe constipation.

It was about 11:15pm and I need some X-Rays and an Ng Tube. The x-rays were easy enough, but the NG tube is never ever easy. I got a shot of morphine just prior and it still hurt. I had a hard time picking which nostril I wanted to sacrifice for this tube to go down. The nurse then inserted this tube down my left nostril and I had to try to keep my chin to my chest. The whole time it was uncomfortable and very painful as the tube was inserted into my stomach. I felt it as it went down my throat, down the curve scraping as it finally hit the final destination.

I was already ready to get rid of that NG tube. I wanted to fast forward those 3 days of having to keep that thing inserted in my nose. They had to tape it and anytime I caught it on anything I felt an instant painful tug on septum. It was hard to sleep and I almost felt like a horse does when it is head shy. Being on IVs I had to go to the bathroom quite a bit and the first night the phosphate soda was finally working. I was actually going to the bathroom. I had to share a room with a very loud party. The woman, bless her heart, had lots of friends visiting and she too should have had her own room. It was noisy and guests were having to go the bathroom too and I had to wait on someone after I was able to get my NG tube disconnected from the sucking mechanism and IV unplugged. I waited as much as I could and ended up soiling all over myself and my bed. How depressing. I called a nurse to come help me clean up and pleaded that I get my own room just for this reason.

I wasn't able to sleep for all the loud noises from the guests and the constant talking, laughing, and so on. I didn't want to bother them with my problems and requests. They were having fun in a hospital and how rare is that? I finally got to talk with another doctor who too agreed that I definitely needed my own room. My husband and I were out walking and we saw 4 empty rooms. We told her about those empty rooms and she tried to explain to us that rooms are like hotcakes for those waiting in emergency. I had waited all night long for one and was finally able to get this particular room at about 9:15ish (AM).

My husband took off to do some errands and showed up again that evening around 7:30pm with Miss Blue Belle! I was still in the same shared room weighing my earplugs and finally getting some sleep. Blue Belle was so very happy to see me. She wagging her whole body with her ears back smiling. My husband put her on the bed and she came up to me and could not stop licking me in the face. I had to be careful because of the NG tube but she kinda knew that she needed to be careful. She layed down and just stared into my eyes smiling with her ears back. A few minutes of loving on Blue Belle, smiling (in the hospital!), and gratefulness of having someone that really cares, it was time to go to my new private room.

The nurse opened the curtain and to her surprise a cute beautiful happy dog sit laying on my bed. She was also happy to see Miss Blue Belle. She smiled at the nurse and wagged her tail. Another nurse came in to help her move my bed into another room. We didn't have to go far and Blue Belle got to enjoy the ride on the bed. She was wagging her tail and smiling at the two nurses who were laughing and smiling as they moved me to my new room. It was just down the hall and a few people came outside the rooms to see all the commotion of the laughing and to see a happy dog on a hospital bed wagging her tail enjoying the ride. She was quiet but very happy.

She had on her vest and sorry I don't have any photos of her wearing her vest but I promise to post some soon right here. I don't have a working camera right now. My husband opened the blinds and we could sort of see the mountains from Santa Clara. We watched a movie together on my computer (we couldn't get the DVD player to work in the room) and my husband left at around 11pm. He wanted to stay, but Blue Belle had to go wee and she had held it for a little while. I got my shot of morphine and Benadryl and fell sound a sleep in my new room.

I spoke with my doctor the next day as he told me that I would need to get some x-rays of my abdomen. I went for the x-rays and then as we were getting the last x-ray taken, a singe of pain hit me. I felt what appeared to be a rib bone or something on my rib bone. It' was very painful and very tender to touch. I asked if we could x-ray that, but my request was ignored then and I was later brought back down to x-ray the mystery bump at the request of a doctor. The doctor saw me again that night and told me that it might just be a muscle and it may be a knot that could be easily massaged out.

The next day my oncologist saw me before taking out the NG tube and told me that I could go home soon. I was so glad to get that NG tube out of my nose and then to loose that IV pole. My doctor and I talked for a little while of my symptoms and how I was feeling. I then asked him about this mystery bump. He felt the mystery bump and told me that it was indeed a tumor. It had been seen on several CAT scans and I could still live with it. It could actually be very helpful in determining if a chemo is working.

To my horror it is the reality that I really do need to cherish each and every moment that I have and I will need to start more chemo very soon. I'm not sure when and am currently learning to live with the pain in my back as it is still quite tender. I have lots to think about and many questions to ask.

We plan to meet with my doctor next Friday to discuss our options for either chemo or more freedom, versus pain and so on. I will update soon as we do have a lot to think about this week prior to meeting with my doctor. I also plan to call the Cancer Center for America to find out more options.

While I do understand that there are still others who have it far worse off than me, I still consider myself quite lucky. In fact we are all lucky in our own ways. Till then love life and treat others the way that you would want to be treated.