Will it be Thanksgiving in the Hospital?..

You guessed it; I'm back in the hospital. Here's what's up!)

Well Monday morning around 3am; I woke up vomiting and in severe abdominal pain. I tried to just relax and take a bath (yes in the middle of the night = it seemed like it would be good thing to do) but that didn't do so much and I also tried not to wake up my husband. Finally I just couldn't take it anymore and knew right away that it was time to go to ER again!(.

My honey was such a good sport about it; he got a little more sleep than I did because I kept getting up over and over and over again through out the night to go pee, poo, crying in pain, and to vomit. It seemed that it was just never ending and that the the painful spasms in my abdomen and in my back (kidneys?) would never go away. My honey helped me to get dressed since I was in such great pain that I couldn't even bend over to put on my underwear, socks, and pants. Yes, after that nice bath; I dried off and couldn't even put my own clothes back on because I was in such severe pain that I just climbed into bed naked (like that hasn't happened before!)

Once I was dressed we drove to the hospital and of course we grabbed one of Blue Belle's poo bags for me to puke in on the way to the hospital; & boy did I ever need it! I puked almost the entire way and it was mostly extremely painful, painful dry heaves and when there was nasty vomit; it tasted incredibly horrid. My tummy felt as if it were going to tear in half from doing so many hundreds of sit ups.

Once we got to the hospital; we were both super impressed with the fast service we got (I guess they could totally tell that I wasn't feeling so hot!) The nice nurse up front immediately brought us into a room right away. I was helped into a gurney for which I could not find a comfortable position to lie down. I started having an anxiety attack once I was put into that gurney; I swear those had to be some of the worst brushes of pain I had ever felt. These painful spasms were at least a 10 (always the pain scale of 1-10) with out a doubt for the pain (OK maybe it was a 20 but it was so aweful!!!).

I screamed in pain (I must have scared everyone in that ER) and could not for the life of me control my body. I grabbed things, knocked things over and screamed like an uncontrollable brat child. I kept saying "I'm sorry" everytime I did scream or knock things over and for everything that I did but I honestly had no control over what was happening to my body. I felt like these little aliens were inside my body with sharp scales all over them cutting my insides up.

Finally a nurse a nurse grabbed my arm with the picc line got me some good pain medication pumped into my needy veins and that instantly calmed me down. I could still feel some amount of pain as I just layed in my husband's arms in total relief with tears streaming down my face from the fear I had been having. I was so scared that this could be it; it could be the end of me.

I had to get out of that state of mind and look at that wonderful man who was holding me and to breath hard because I don't wish to die like this! I think I was in my own way staying as strong as could in those horrible moments of that pain. I had never behaved in that way ever before and I will do it again just to stay alive. I kept thinking that it's just my little old intestines not knowing what the hell to do with the food I had been eating these past couple of days? Poor things; they have been cut up on so many times so I'm hoping that eventually things will fix themselves and that miracles do happen!) I will keep that in mind always!)

After numerous x-rays and a CAT scan it was revealed that I have a tumor that is growing on my abdominal wall (sucks but it could easily be killed by some good old natural cures!); I have faith what can I say. But that's not the only thing; also blood tests revealed that the reason I have been lacking in energy is because I desperately needed a blood transfusion (the chemo killed lots of good cells in the process; so what's with the tumor?). Well because of the blockage I also had to have an NG tube inserted down my right nostril into my tummy in order to suction everything out of my tummy and in hopes that I won't need another surgery.

We have done this many times before so I'm not too worried except for the pain that just doesn't seem to go away. I got admitted and into my own room after being in ER for 12 hours. Thank god it was the second floor (I love most of the nurses on this floor). I did have some excellent nurses in ER this time around that I will never ever forget. Each experience is new; that's for sure!) These nurses sure made my experience so much better and I even laughed a little at their jokes and mine.

This one particular guy named Henry who was an ex farmer; we had some great conversations about animals (best subject ever); we bragged about our old pets and the types of animals we have each have had. Oh how I love to talk about animals!) There was another awesome dude nurse (I hope that's not offensive but I feel all nurses regardless of gender can be great) from North Carolina (only 1 year younger than me!).

We both had moved away from the South for very similar reasons; mostly for never really fitting in and feeling we were needed out here more (our soul mates) . He also spoke of some ultra religious people he knew who happened to be very greedy and cruel towards others they felt were not of equal wealth. I really wish I could remember this one phrase he said (it was so good); I hope to hear it again. Both of these nurses took such good care of me and made sure I had pain meds or what ever I needed to feel better. This is just evidence that you can't just go around feeling sorry for yourself and to try to enjoy the moments around you whether you realize them or not; it wasn't so bad being in ER. Yes there are other places I would have rather been but I try my best to make use of every moment that I do have no matter what.

I have been having to use a lot more pain medications lately and for valid reasons; I felt so guilty having to go through them as I have been; but my doctors all agree for good reasons. If they were in my shoes they would do be forced to do the same; that's what some of the nurses would say and one of them did tell me that I should ask any doctor what they would do if they were faced with my circumstance. I really have had some amazing nurses (can't even say enough about them!) this go around and it's nice to be back on the 2nd floor where most of my favorites reside although there are some amazing ones in emergency and some of the other floors I have stayed as well.

Today has been all about healing; my urinary infection is so far (no cultures seen so far) which means that I have finished my rounds of antibiotics (for now) but it's scaring me that I still have to keep with this NG tube and if I am away from it too long; my abdomen will start with horrible stabs of jabbing pain. I hope that goes away soon; no appetite so far which looking on the bright side of things is kinda good since I am forced to not eat until the output on my NG tube decreases; the pains go away. It could be hunger pains I am feeling but I really can't tell to be quite honest. My white counts are cool so I don't have to get another Nupogen shot (oh god those hurt and I only had to get one in my left arm). I had to get 2 pints of blood last night from an infusion but I may still need another one. I also had a small fever of 101 and another couple at 99. something. (on the constant look out for infections). So that's what life in the hospital has been like so far. I'm still smiling and with lots of high hopes. I have done 3 laps around my floor today and a few yoga stretches and lots of breathing exercises which have helped some. I'm determined more than ever that I will stronger and will get out of here soon!

The high lights of my day consisted of a 2 lap walk with my honey around the halls and we even visited with one patient but we didn't get too close because of my low immune system. Blue Belle really cheered up this mother and daughter to no end; we had to stop because of the cute sound of this little ladies voice as she asked if Blue Belle was a working or therapy dog. We just stopped for a few moments as they both got to touch Blue Belle's soft fur. They too had a sheltie but she had passed on a few years ago so it was only the right thing to do to respond as we were walking by. The nurses absolutely love my little precious one and it always makes me happy to see others smile at just her beautiful presence and of course that infamous Blue Belle bow / stretch.

My honey stopped by twice today; we took a nice long nap together and even watched a movie when he came back. We also Skyped for a little bit as I got to hello to Mr. Tonto and his gigantic huge big feet. I'm serious; Tonto's feet are really big for a cat; he's almost like a Bobcat; only no tail at all.

When my honey first picked him up; he had the webbed part of his feet stretched out and it almost covered the entire screen with huge Tonto feet. It was so hilarious and then he struck this look as I was struggling to try to photograph them and they are even webbed!

Well that's my update so far and I may not get to eat my turkey dinner on Thanksgiving but I sure hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and that the media isn't scaring the shit out of you too much with the H1N1 fright. If I can make it through all of this crap; I'm sure many of you will get through any illness. Enjoy life and Peace and Love to all!

It's just a cold and Bladder Infection....

I just found out that Farrah Fawcett died today of anal cancer and what an awesome fight she displayed. She really faught a fierce battle with her cancer. I tried to watch her special but just couldn't stomach it. Not that it was a horrible documentary, as it was very depressing. I have lots of depression in my life already and lately have needed more uplifting thoughts to get me by. That's just me; I'm fighting my own battle but I really do wish her family all the best. She is a hero in my eyes.

She is after all another hero for the rest of us Cancer Survivors and she did so much with her life. I am deeply saddened for this is a tremendous loss. I can easily sympathize with her in having to deal with the problems of bowels and I can only imagine what she must have had to go through. My cancer is also in my bowels and I have to deal with this daily. I hope my fight lasts many, many more years. How many more lives have to be lost from this disease before we do something to find a cure? Treatments help prolong life for a little while but if we had a cure, many could survive and be able to live life as others get to do. This disease is a nightmare for both the victim and the caregiver as well as the family and friends.

Wow and Michael Jackson died later on today; that was a shocker. I wasn't too much into his music when I was younger (I was into punk rock and anti pop) but I can appreciate him as an artist. I did love to watch him dance!) I know that he had a rough childhood and didn't get to be a kid and perhaps that's why he got in got into some serious trouble with some kids a few years back (twice). I still don't know what to believe but I do know that he gave us all the gift of music! It's just further proof that you have to enjoy each and every moment that you are given. He had no idea he was going to die on this very day. He was getting ready for his comeback tour and had sold out tickets within seconds from what I understand. Wow! That's how fast things can change. Enjoy everyday that you can; that's the lesson to be learned here.

Well I finally signed up online to Kaiser's online message system and it is convenient to check tests and to get messages from my doctors. Well that's exactly how I found out about this bladder infection and lucky for me, I have enough Septra until they figure out what antibiotic will actually work for me. We should find out tomorrow or soon after. I took just 1 pill and already the diarrhea is out of control and I also got my first 2 zits. Great my face had just cleared up perfectly and now I have to deal with pizza face again. At least I get IDed when I'm on antibiotics (because I appear like a pimply teenager!)

Also this cold (I think we caught it from my dad) has been plaguing both me and my husband as we are both fighting off severe congestion, runny noses, sneezing, and complete misery. We haven't been sleeping much at night because we can't breath very well and have been grumpy at each other at times. It's been particularly hard on me lately and I'm so glad that this cold came later rather than sooner.

I'm so very lucky and blessed that it did come later rather than soon or I would still have my pee bag on because there is no way I would have been operated on if I had any cold symptoms. They asked me if there was any chance I had a cold just to prior to them operating on me and I didn't have any symptoms at that time. Just two days later did those symptoms appear. I'm still being a hard head and getting around and getting things done around the house like laundry and cleaning my new pretty floor. I love my new floor!)

I did get to take my pretty dog for a bath at her favorite dog wash "Pet Food Express". We must have spent about 3 hours there and lots of hair later; I brushed her "Groomer Has it" style. I used the special comb my brother gave me and those scissors; I trimmed her nails, brushed her teeth, and just brushed her all over until hardly any hair fell out on the comb. It took a long time and I'm sure she needed it. I even trimmed her paws so that she won't track so much dirt on my new floors. She looks fabulous and knows it; she's ready for her debut on the cover of Cosmo Dog! Hope her photo has put a smile on your face as it has mine. What a sad day today was.

When we got home from her bath, I finally got to talk to my brother; he too is battling a severe cold and thinks he too got it from my dad. MY poor Dad, he was so sick but he really wanted to see us and he had to deal with that cold the whole time he was here. Next time he will have to get the insurance for the plane ride in case this happens again.

Well back to these antibiotics; I'm dealing with the other side effects which have compounded my diarrhea and I'm hoping that the results of my urinalysis comes back so that I can finally get on the right medication to get rid of this infection. I hate taking a medication that may not be working for me and going through side effects all for nothing.

It seems I'm constantly battling these bladder infections and so much more. I can't seem to get over them. As this severe cold, we do know that it's not the dreaded H1N1 virus (thank god!) but just another virus that's going around. That's great because I'm not in the best of shape to be battling that kind of flu; if it can kill healthy individuals and my battle just can't just end like that. I've been fighting this cancer way too hard to loose to the flu. I am surprised that I'm getting over this cold much faster than my husband and my brother; my symptoms are becoming less and less. I can at least breath out of both nostrils but I am coughing quite heavily and spitting up all kinds of nasties. How un-lady like of me!(

Next week I will be meeting with Dr. Chemo to find out exactly what my battle plan will be for this next round of chemo. Will I need to get a port? Will there be radiation? What kind of chemo drugs will I be getting? Will I loose my hair? If so, I certainly have a beautiful tattoo designed just for my bald head that includes lots of beautiful butterflies and a teal hope ribbon! Everything will be detailed here so be sure to come back for more! May you all have a wonderful day and weekend!) Peace & Love!)

Tests, Tests, and more Tests....

Today I decided to take it upon myself to make sure that I don't have the H1N1 virus or just a cold which is what it seems like it is right now. My nose has been running like a snotty kid in 2nd or 3rd grade; totally annoying and the left nostril is completely red and burning from having to keep blowing it all day long. I took several "Nasal Decongestants" which did absolutely nothing; I might as well have eaten a potato chip; that might have worked better. Don't they make over the counter medications that actually work or even test these products just to make sure that they actually work? Apparently not, I just tested them today and they failed miserably. It sucked having snot drip out of my nose constantly today and having to sniffle, sniffle, snot, snot; I can actually feel the sore throat is on the way. Yes, I can feel it now.

The Advice nurse I spoke with this morning recommended that I just eat Bananas, Rice, Applesauce and Toast = BRAT. Great my nose is dripping like a brat and I have to eat BRAT food! Well I ate some applesauce and some toast with Gatorade for breakfast and part of lunch while relaxing and waiting for my doctor's appointment. I got to watch some trash TV and this is Day 4 without any painkillers. I'm so proud of myself because it seems like I have been having to take those stupid things for months now. Don't you get addicted to those things after a few weeks? I don't feel that I am at all now and I am so thankful! Whewwww!

OK, back to going to the doctor's office today (still dealing with severe diarrhea and burning ass!); I had an appointment at 2:45pm today with a new Doctor that I hadn't seen before. She was very nice and very knowledgeable about what was going on with me. She was also quite surprised by the tumor I showed her on my right side (just on top of the rib cage) and she felt that it needed to be addressed and it will be next Monday when I talk with (I will call him Dr. Chemo) Dr. Chemo. He is after all a chemo doctor. You can kind of see the knot in this photo but it doesn't look so big in the photo as does close up. It's quite startling for most to see.

Well this doctor ordered 4 different types of blood cultures, a urine analysis and 3 different fecal samples. She was prepared to test everything just to make sure that I didn't have any infection going on from the surgery performed on Thursday and/or test me for other viruses that have been going around lately. For all I know I could have gotten something from ghetto Safeway across the street. She also checked my lungs, heart, and felt around on my tummy and even tapped my sinuses to see how they were doing (not so good), but she did suggest a saline solution to keep my sinuses from getting infected. I tried to tell her a little more about my history which she told me she tried to read up on and it was vast - It must have been a very thick folder to read. She really seemed like she was impressed with my attitude to keep on going and to enjoy everyday that I can. God knows I've been though a lot!

After the appointment I had to go to the lab for the blood tests and the urine; the phlebotomist was really amazing; she was able to get a clean stick in both arms. I was very impressed, never had that happened ever before ever and my left arm didn't even seem like it had veins there any more. I did make her smile which made me happy because she appeared that she wasn't having a great day or her day had been very long. I had to bring the poop sample bag home with me to try later on. OH BOY!)

I started craving some Harry's Hofbrau turkey dinner; so I stopped and grabbed a child sized dinner which doesn't cost as much as the Adult size and it was so good! I can eat child portions now (well almost) because Adult portions in restaurants could last me a whole week. So much better than that BRAT diet I must say! It might not be as good for me, but hopefully I can gain a few more pounds; more than likely I'll poop it out shortly after. At least I can enjoy eating it more so than the toast and applesauce.

Within an hour, the diarrhea started again and I had to do the most disgusting deed of all. I still can not believe I had to do this! I had to open 3 different medicine like bottles, (the caps were hard as hell to get off) use that tiny little scoop inside each one of those little bottles and then scoop up my own shit into the bottle and then fill up the bottle almost to the top where a line is. It was so incredibly grotesque (I held my breath and just breathed out my mouth so that I didn't gag or even puke) but I did it and I'm so very proud of myself.

Thank god it wasn't as runny as it has been (then I would have really be grossed out!), but it was still the major deal to do! It really seemed like I would never get each bottle filled and the only way I could get those samples was with my Sitz bath pink tub thing only I couldn't use any water; so the poopie was just right there for me to scoop and it was kinda runny to be completely honest and not at all fun to scoop into a bottle. I had to take take 2 poos to fill up all 3 bottles. I scooped up the poo both times!) I'm not kidding! The first one only filled the first bottle and part of the second. What a tedious task to have to do! OMG how undignified!(

Oh the things I have to put up with with this stupid cancer, infections, diseases and so on! I guess I just have to do these weird things if I want to live and I really do! It just seems like this chaos never ends for me. So there you go, if you feel like you had a shitty day; you did NOT! I had shitty day; NO just kidding. But that was very shitty to have to do!( It was by far the shittiest part of my day!

I was able to drive around today, I'm not in the hospital, I got to walk around and I saw several people not able to walk around today; Oh and I don't have pee bag anymore! - so I still feel incredibly blessed!) I got to go home to my beautiful home with my beautiful dog, awesome husband, and crazy strange cat. I got to play a little bit of frisbee until my intestines decided they wanted to spew poo, but I sat down and controlled it while I called my honey to come pick me up. Yes it never ends for me.

UPDATE: I almost forgot; those painful muscle spasms have since calmed and I don't puke any more. I have doubled up on the Protonix (Pantoprazole) which has helped tremendously to reduce the acid reflux or severe heartburn I had been having after eating. I still get heartburn and nausea but it's not as severe as it was. I haven't picked up that puke bucket since before my surgery which is totally awesome!)