Getting out of the hospital tomorrow!....

Today was just another day where I am getting my body ready to go home again! I had some excellent, sweet, and caring nurses today who actually did care. I had no doubts that I was in good hands today. I even started a semi-liquid diet today. I couldn't eat the carcinagenic soup that was served to me in a styrofoam bowl and I should have photographed what the darned thing looked like. Do these cooks ever imagine what they would feel like having to eat this crap? Apparently not. My soup was so incredibly hot, that the bowl had partially melted to the right side (it was wop sided) and the plastic top (kind of like a fast food soda top) melted and curved upward; I just threw it straight into the trash. I really wished that I would have photographed it because it didn't look like any soup anyone would want to eat unless they wanted to feed their cancer more carcinogenic chemicals in order for it to grow. I just didn't wish to eat cancer causing ingredients from the bowl or the plastic. Not at all appetizing and in fact quite poisonous.

I guess the food industry here is with the pharmaceutical industries in wanting to keep us sick. I don't believe that all pharmaceutical companies are in the business to keep us all sick but there a sick few that do. I wish many would not team up like that but instead they would teamed up to try to make us all healthy and more productive. Good thing my honey brought me a delicious smoothie with Organic Whole Milk, Vanilla Whey Protein Powder, and a banana. It filled me up perfectly and it tasted scrumptious. How I can't wait to wake up next to him each morning.

My honey and I Skyped for a little while last night and he sure looked sexy; even holding this little puddy cat! Puddy cat even made some cute little sounds like "put me down!" or "not now!". He is a talker and I did hear him clearly tell my honey that he wanted to go on a walk outside with Blue Belle. If he dared to go outside with out him; he paces and paces the front door like a mad man.
Here is another beautiful photo of the two of us from last Saturday's Holiday party that a friend of mine sent me. I still can't get over how handsome that man is that is sitting just next to me here. He is my hunk-a-hunk-a-burnin love!)

Watching those DVDs from Netflix (Healing Cancer, The Beautiful Truth, The Gerson Miracle) really opened my eyes about trying to heal myself from this cancer all naturally with a 95% plant based diet. I often feel much better when I exercise, eat something good and wholesome for my body and then get good adequate rest. Well lately it has been a big Pink "NPO" above my bed; but no longer! It has been a good day for me today only feeling a little drugged out from the pain medications. I have been prescribed a stronger dose of the Fentanel pain patches and then utilizing liquid Dilaudid. Yes, the pains I have been getting lately have been warranting these types of pain medications (sharp, burning, and as if I have a hole in my stomach).

Well here comes the rain; we are supposed to get some real snow in Tahoe this weekend and I have been getting some real anxiety about missing a snowboard season because of my health but I do have a feeling that I have some real friends and a lover who is not going to let that even happen. We may even get some snow up on Mount Hamilton; and it would be cool to take Mr. Tonto up to the snow. I know he would love it with his huge webbed feet since he loves to play in puddles of water and then tracking inside my clean freshly mopped floor. I can just imagine what he will look like running in the snow with Blue Belle. This will have to be a video taped event not to be missed!)

We might just concentrate on getting our own little Christmas tree put up this weekend but who knows; we are so spontaneous as a couple and that is what I love best about my sexy cowboy! He has quite a bit to learn tomorrow including how to hook me up to an IV bag (Potassium Chloride) because I have to get that nutrition for at least 3 hours per day which should not be so hard. I'm so excited about getting out that it doesn't really phase me that I have this tube in my stomach. I'm just so happy that tonight is my last night of sleeping alone in the hospital and of course it's 4:15am and I'm working diligently on my blog. Shoot being in the hospital gives me so much more time to reflect and think about what to write in my blog and I am thankful for that. At home I always feel guilty that I don't always have time to write because I am too busy living life.

I have to wake up my honey tomorrow morning and be his wake-up call so that he can make it to the hospital early enough where a few nurses will be training him on how to hook me up to the Liquid IV solution. He is a such a cutie pie and he tries so hard to make me happy and to help me me get better. It really touches my heart in the warmest of ways to just listen to his beautiful voice as he is so concerned about me and doing this all right. He really does care about me and that's what I love about him most. I care him too and I could not even being to imagine how hard this journey is for him. It would kill me to see the roles reversed and me having to take care of him. I would do it in a heartbeat. My own personal sexy nurse only he prefers than I call him Dr. Armstrong!) I pray that I won't have to go into the hospital anytime soon. Peace and Love to all!

A Miserable existence.....for now...

I have been suffering from the extreme effects of this surgery these last couple of days. It sure as hell hasn't been easy and that's a total understatement. I still have yet to get a full (in over 4 nights) night's sleeps and this has been taking a toll on me quite a bit. I'm surely sweet Jayne all the way and now I have been bitch Jayne.

I have only been able to take maybe 20 - 30 minutes naps all night long because my vitals have to be taken every hour on the hour because of being on the PCA pump for pain. This is the reason I am unable to sleep at all throughout the night; I'm simply not allowed to or at least that's what it seems. I have to be awakened no matter what and have my vitals (blood pressure, oxygen, and temperature) taken every hour on the hour even though nothing seems to change at all in any of them. How incredibly annoying is this? I really do need to sleep or at least I thought that one should be able to for at least 5-6 hours with out being interrupted; but NO! NO! NO!, not here at Kaiser, I have to have those vitals taken every single hour.

Oh and the lights must be bright, bright, and very bright; so much so that they must be taken when I am fully awakened. OK it sucks donkey shit and every kind of shit there is. I still can't get over that I am not allowed to get a full nights sleep here but if I want to be rid of pain; I have be awakened no matter what.

During one of my 20 minute naps I awoke dreaming that I was making my honey his morning cup of coffee, then his travel mug of coffee, his peanut butter and jelly sandwich and of course the rest of his lunch. How I do miss being at home, being helpful and just doing all the things that shows him just how much I really do love him and of course all those little ways of showing him exactly how much I love him; that I appreciate him more than anything in the world and that I'm extremely blessed to have the most wonderful man on earth. I can't wait to go home. I was pissed off to get awoke from a dream like that!

Well today, I had a huge day of progress. It started out totally and completely miserable with me being totally angry with all the nurses that kept on waking me up all through out the night; I would finally get to sleep and then I was awakened for my temperature taking, that stupid sweaty blood pressure thingy and that stupid finger thingy that measures my oxygen. How necessary is it to have to do this every hour on the hour and sometimes I know it was taken every half hour at times. What the hell? I must have been awoken at least 20-30 times. I was so pissed off and angry for not getting any sleep. No one would allow me to sleep!(

OK back to my progress; I was sweaty and miserable in my bed, hurting and not at all feeling all that great; I felt like total shit; I was grumpy as hell for being awoken all night long, my throat hurt from the stupid NG tube, the pee hole bag was really starting to annoy me and I wanted it out right away. Then there are those little foam baggy velcro things that wrapped around my leg; well those were really itching my leg (those things help for circulation). I was so incredibly uncomfortable and a total freaking mess and I must have been a total head case too being with out so much sleep in so many days.

A nice nurse came in a few minutes later to help me get out of bed ad get seated in the bathroom so that I could give myself a good little washcloth bath, then change into my gown. While I was washing myself off, she changed my bed. After I was dressed, I decided to get up and go for a t walk in hopes that the Foley Catheter would be removed. I walked a full 2 laps around my hospital floor at around 11:30am. I felt accomplished at least and was able to get some help so that I could climb back into my clean bed and try to attempt to get some sleep.

After I was just a few seconds from REM sleep, in walked a nurse to check my vitals. That stupid little cart was the last thing I wanted to see. She turned on the brightest of the bright lights and I was totally floored more than anything, I felt exactly like grabbing that whole little cart and just tossing it out of my room into a million pieces. I so wanted to do that. I was totally and completely pissed off at her. What the FUCK I thought to myself. "What the FUCK!" I was almost there! I literally was almost completely asleep and then I was robbed of that relaxation moment of sleep; the most important one; having a good dream with my honey on vacation. Well I put up with her shit and then just gave up on trying to sleep anyway. I must have made her feel like shit but she was only doing her job. I asked her; "am I the patient who is not allowed to sleep?" "Am I just not allowed to sleep at all here?". "What the hell? I have not slept in 4 days and I was just about there; you didn't even knock; you just turn on the brightest lights you can find and I feel you did this on purpose; just to annoy me!" Oh GOD I was so pissed at her.

Her English was so bad that she didn't understand me at all so I had to repeat myself like 3 times. I asked her "I know I'm forbidden at night to sleep but what in my health is so bad that I am not allowed to sleep?" What good is this doing me to not allow me to sleep? What are you guys doing to me? I went off and just lost it. I just wanted to know why am not allowed to sleep; why do I have to keep getting woken up? I had just had my vitals taken just before I went on my 15 minute walk; so it had to have been like 40 minutes later. I just wanted some peace and quiet and to sleep and why am constantly getting woken up? "Can you please just give me 3 hours of peace and quiet at some point today? "I would very much like to sleep and "Please"? "Can I please, please, please get some sleep, some peace and quiet? Can you please just leave me alone so that I can do that?" I lost it but I did apologize to her and tell her "I know you are just doing your job but for me this is really annoying and I don't see why my vitals have to be taken so incredibly often; can you please just lay off for just a few hours so that I can at least sleep?"

Getting all worked up worked up did nothing for me to even attempt to go back to sleep. I was completely out and just totally pissed off. Don't get me wrong, I am a very good person with a heart of gold, I would give the shirt off my back to help anyone in need but if I don't my sleep, I can turn into a seriously mean ass bitch. I guess I just can't handle doing with out my sleep. I don't feel that asking for sleep is like asking for all the gold in the world and that's exactly what it has been seeming like lately. Sleep for me now is exactly like gold. If I can get it; I'm totally happy; if not I guess I'm just a bitch. "Oh please don't let Jayne have her sleep; she might die in her sleep if she does."

It was such a good thing that my friend Amy stopped by today. Check out these beautiful flowers in the cute little vase she got me. We picked the rosemary from the garden. I was so happy to see her. She had stopped by last night and what really touched my heart is that she drove all the way from Santa Barbara just to see me; just to see little old me!)

She sure cheered me up and it was so nice to be able to spend the rest of the day with her. It was such a nice girly day!) We mostly sat in my room talking about old times and about the way things used to be in each of our lives; all the traumas and things that we have both gone through and that has strengthened us and made us each stronger women. Neither of us have kids and nor do we ever plan to; our ideal kids are our pets and I guess that's what makes our friendship so special. It helped quite a bit to talk and get feelings out that I guess I had held in for all these years; yes we even cried together.

It was such a good visit; Amy and I had not always been close but this visit really opened my eyes and heart to her even more. This is just another example of how cancer changes your life so much and how you see the people in your life. I have also lost touch with many whom I thought were good friends but then when they found out I had cancer; they wanted nothing more to do with me. Maybe I will see them again in the future or maybe not. It doesn't really hurt my feelings that much but I'm glad that I now know who my true friends are in life.

We decided to go on a walk for a little bit but I want to first get rid of this stupid Foley Catheter before going on a walk; I couldn't imagine walking and then having to sit down with that stupid thing up my puss; I just didn't want to try walk again with it in. Its not at all comfy so I called my sweet nurse Ershod (he really is a great nurse) to come and take it out. I pushed the call button and he came practically right away. It think he maybe one of the best nurses at arriving faster than most nurses.

What an awkward procedure; I was a little bit shy of him having to see my little puss but I really wanted that thing out; puss or no puss. I had to take a deep breath and breath out as it came out. Wheeewwww, that was a tad bit uncomfy! I thought it would hurt far worse but thankfully it was gone. Me and Amy clapped our hands in joy and I was so incredibly relieved. We could now go on our walk! Yippee!

We decided to go outside for a little walk in the Rosemary garden. It was so nice and peaceful to be able to sit outside to relax and to talk some more. That's one thing about us is that we never ever run out of things to talk about. I'm so happy for her that she has finally found the love of her life. He seems like such a great guy with a heart of gold. I can't wait to meet him. We both have great men to be proud of and that will stand by our sides no matter what; excellent me who love us no matter what.

It was finally time to go back inside (my IV battery was beeping and about to die), so we went inside my room and talked some more. Not long after, she finally got to meet my sweet little Blue Belle.

I wished I would have thought to take a photo of both of them together; but instead I have this shocking photo of my newest scar. See, I finally got the bandage removed from my surgery so that you can see all 14 staples. It's so trippy that the cut is just above my belly button. I'm so glad that it is because I was afraid that I have finally lost beloved little belly button. I know of so many woman who have already lost theirs and despite all the cuts and scars on my belly button (it's been cut there 5 times), it's still a pretty and cute little belly button that I will proudly sport in a bikini. I guess I'm kinda sick that way in that I don't mind showing off my battle wounds. I'm so proud of my self that I have survived so much. I just want the world to see just how tough I am and that if they too get diagnosed with this dreadful disease; they too can fight it as I have; stand strong, stand tough and beat it!) If you have that self determined will to live; you can beat it.

I also accredit medical cannabis for my prolonged survival. So dam you politicians who are dumb enough to think that this incredibly miracle plant has no medical value; Dam you! Yes, I'm not a big fan of stupid greedy, dishonest politicians who have never walked in my shoes and feel they must decide what is best for me and that they have a right to end my life just like that.

This plant has helped sustain me and has kept me alive in so many ways. Even though I am not on it now; I will be when I return home to get stronger and stronger. I will utilize this wonderful plant in order to help stimulate my appetite, keep me hydrated and of course help me with much needed pain relief.

Well tonight after I got my new bag of milk food, I am now getting a bag of blood; yes a blood transfusion was needed from this surgery. I had been loosing some color in my skin, my energy wasn't so good and of course the lack of sleep I'm sure had something to do with a lot of this. They had to unhook my PCA pump for pain for a whole 3 hours and in case I do get any pain, I will have to take a shot in my ass of morphine. It was either that or get another IV in my left arm which is totally and completely out of the question. I'm tough, I can handle 3 hours with out pain meds and if not, get that shot in my ass!)

As for tonight's plan, I was able to talk with a head nurse about adding some sleep to my schedule. (Sorry you have had to read on and on and on about my bitchiness and my stupid complaining about the dam sleep). Well I get to sleep uninterrupted tonight from 12am - 4am!) I'm so stoked! I will have to make sure that I take something to sleep since I can't sleep all by myself with out anything. Peace and love to all and more updates to come!)

Just another couple of days in the hospital...

Here's a goofy shot of me making the most of my stay here in the hospital being the dirt bag that I am (haven't showered or washed my hair since Friday!) Don't I look rough and yes I'm tough too! I will get through this and much more!)

Now this won't be the most exciting post, but I just wanted to give you all an update on how I am doing here in the hospital.

Being in the hospital is such a boring existence; the most exciting thing is having visitors (I do enjoy them and of course the phone calls from friends and family) and then there's being drugged up while watching movies.

I did get to speak with my main Oncologist/ Doctor today, and he is a very fantastic doctor to have and I was very blessed on that day fateful day on November 15th, 2002 to have him performing that dreaded debauking surgery removing what ever cancer they could. In fact he has operated on me during all of my 5 major surgeries. He is one of the best in the field or least that is the opinion of many. He's also young, he knows about many different cancer treatments for Ovarian Cancer and is also specialized in Gynecologic Oncology. Many of the ladies seem to think he is the hottest doctor ever but in my opinion he still doesn't hold a flame to my husband as far as I'm concerned. He's just a very good doctor and friend to have. I just don't have the sex drive to find other men attractive and that's the truth of it all. I can appreciate handsomeness but that's about it; I just don't have any desires to stray from my husband; I'm completely loyal to only him.

My doctor has followed me over the years and while we have many disappointing sessions with him where sometimes it all seemed hopeless and very scary indeed; we have also had much to be thankful for. While I have to be honest; I do often dread seeing him for fear of more bad news; today wasn't so bad. I am still OK to return back to work on Monday even though I will have to spend most of the week here in hospital. I was really hoping to have just a few more days of being home with my animals and being able to lie down by the pool and mostly just have a nice relaxing week; it's not going to happen until Wednesday or Thursday (that's when I might get to go home) or later. We may have to see first if I can even digest any food prior to going home since I am still vomiting up undigested food at night. (I did it again tonight)

Last night I also puked up quite a bit of undigested food and the nurses both agreed that if I were to get an NG tube inserted it would have to be a real big one and more than likely what I have in my system would most surely clog it. Since I'm not violently vomiting they don't feel that I need one!) THANK GOD! I'm stoked; I was sure that my doctor would suggest one but he seems to think that I don't need one just yet. He did suggest that I get an x-ray tomorrow morning to see where everything is going.

I also had to do a most unpleasant enema today and quite a bit came out (ewwwww!) But at least stuff is coming out and I hope this pain on my right rib area calms down; I kind of think that this is where the kink is near my stomach that is holding all of this food in. It's very scary to even think about but hopefully all of this not eating will begin to pay off. I'm so dam hungry that even fast food commercials are making me go mad! I want it all! But if it ends up stuck in my system what good will that do?

I did get to talk with this dietitian and I am excited at a new plan to try to gain some weight which involves ice cream and nuts! I do love nuts but I have to chew them until they are liquid or else I suffer in the worst way when they come out!( How unpleasant but those omega vitamins are good for me. I hope my system is able to absorb those. I'm still on NPO (nothing my mouth).

I was very much looking forward to my honey coming to visit me after work but evidently he had eaten at a Subway Restaurant that was experimenting with a new assembly line way of making the sandwiches more efficiently. What they failed to realize was that the meats were getting cross contaminated. With in a few hours of eating his sandwich during an important meeting; his stomach started churning and he had to run to the bathroom to vomit and it was a violent episode. He could not return to the meeting and he had to have a co-worker drive him home.

I did call the exact Subway location to let them know what had happened and for a manager to please call us back. Hopefully my poor honey isn't suffering as bad as I have been; I know I won't be eating at Subway anytime soon. I have met many who have also gotten food poisoning from Subway as well and their days of Subway have been long over. Maybe that's why Jared lost all that weight?

Well they did call my husband back and wanted a doctor's note to prove that he had food poisoning and he was hilarious enough to ask them how about I bring some of my puke to your store so that you can see for yourself how sick I got. He had only eaten a donut for breakfast. Yes, we plan to call the corporate office to find out more about their assemblyline way of making sandwiches and cross contamination of meats. OK enough bad mouthing Subway restaurants; I know not all are the same but I personally am not going to take those kinds of chances with my system.

Here's to both of us getting better and no one else getting that violent flu that's going around! Let's all be well and healthy if at all possible! Or better yet, let's be thankful for what we still have and adore in this lifetime!) (I hate doing a whole day not seeing my honey but at least I can talk to him on the phone!)