Healing slowly and on the mend...

Sorry for the lack of photos lately (this one was taken last week during my brief encounter at home), but this is my so often view of our loving living room. That gray thing in front be Tonto's fat butt.

I'm so thankful to finally be at home and not to be in nearly the amount pain that I was in a week ago. It's such a total blessing! I'm still suffering from immense pain but am dealing with the pain waves as I get them with medication and meditation.

My body is slowly mending; but I still am still unable to eat anything really normal just yet. My bowels are a bit unpredictable and so is my bladder and kidneys for that matter; at least I have my life!) I can't go on long trips and it's a good thing for maxi pads. I really thought I was over with those things, but since things are a bit unpredictable right now; I would much rather be wearing those than diapers. I can't get myself there yet; I feel I am too old and yet too young for them! Gee! Imagine that!

I also feel that this chemo might be a little easier to take; although like most chemos; it does break out my face in raging zits but zits have never killed me; just have to double up on the zit cream. My immune system is very low so in cases like these, so there is no picking on my face or even touching it; hands off! I'm supposed to be done with breaking out like a teenager; but not while on chemo! I have my next treatment on Sunday at 2:15pm and I have to get my blood test done on Friday and no later than Saturday at 11am. We did notice that the tumors on top of right rib cage just might be shrinking (it could just be psychological) but in that case I will also include some meditation in my chemo treatments.

It's been hard on my husband to have to leave me to go to work during the day because he knows me so well. He really wants to be there for me in case I have any pain or if I need anything done; he doesn't want me to have to do it myself; especially if it involves any physical labor. I get all this ambition built up and sometimes I have a way of overdoing it on myself. I hate that this cancer and sickness makes me feel so useless sometimes; like I can't get any of my old chores done like laundry, cooking, cleaning, and so much more.

On Tuesday, I didn't overdo it at all and did what I needed which was rest for most of the day. Today was a little different. I have not been receiving any disability payments (no paychecks) since June so our bank account is slowly dwindling just like many Americans. We are seeing what the greedy insurance companies are doing as well as many in the medical field are also doing. The health care system really does need an overhaul and those who just keep getting richer and richer off the current system; it really needs to change. We little people often end up paying the heavy price for it all. It's just not fair. I have no idea why people are so scared of changing this obviously broken system. Why should so many not benefit at all the way that it is now? Pre-existing conditions, fear of being dropped from becoming too ill, a cap to how much your health care can cost, people loosing their homes and much more over medical bills. I don't understand it and I see so many holes in this system that this will fix. Why the hell not?

One example is that we are getting too many supplies sent to us and we see what our insurance is being billed ($3000 per bag of food and we had to throw out 3 bags today= $9000), we get these little red plastic thingys that serve no purpose at all; they are individually wrapped in lots of plastic and cost around $8 a piece, and I could easily go on and on. Even down to my medications; I feel I am prescribed way too much and the costs of those medications are astronomical. I have bottles and bottles of full medications that I am not using that cost a fortune for my insurance company. Those ridiculous costs pad quite a few pockets and it's not all research those costs are going to at all. Our Healthcare is a joke; it's absolutely ridiculous and it really needs to be fixed. This will give us more choices and will not take away at all from the current system at all.

I wished that my doctor could include some alternative treatments with my current chemo treatments in order to give me more of a fighting chance at survival; but he isn't allowed to because of insurance companies and written procedures where he could loose his job over money not being made by prescribing me more. I am not allowed to have a fighting chance and that is the truth. He has to not know about the current vitamins and minerals that help my body's immune system get stronger. They could easily just pump me full of more chemo until it kills me; but I'm doing my homework and finding other ways to make my body strong enough so that I have a fighting chance.

It's not going to get any better if we do nothing at all and I have much trust in our President no matter what these whack jobs are saying. I see the lies and have read over the health plan over and over again and much of what they say is totally false and completely made up. Give me a break; Obama Lies, Grandma dies? What the hell is that? Who made that up? That's the lies I can't get over that these greedy bastards are putting out there (there really are people ignorant enough who really do believe it just because someone says it); all so that they can make millions more salary off of us. That is the honest truth; they must lie to protect their greed. I was born in Missouri and I don't always believe everything that I hear and apparently there are plenty that do. They need no proof; if someone says it; no matter who; they will believe it. I'm a little more skeptical and hard headed and I usually need to see it in writing or Research proof. It just makes me so sick. We really do need change here and too many are doing without and many paying the ultimate price for it while these select few are making billions off the broken system.

Well this morning I managed to go over to the grocery store to get me some icky shitty baby food to eat; some ice cream (kinda yum = not there yet) and some stuff to make sandwiches for my honey when he comes home to free me from the TPN. What a huge responsibility he has just to take care of me each day. He has to flush my IV like 3 times (2 in my bloodline, 1 for my food line) when he comes home for lunch and the least I can do is have a nice lunch waiting for him. Then when he gets home from work he has to pull out a bag of food to set for 3-4 hours; I let him rest or do what he needs to do to relax for several hours before he has to hook me back up to the TPN machine and bag. He has to prep the bag by adding all kinds of stuff with syringes; like vitamins and stuff; then prep the line; he has to wear gloves; then flushes both IVs and changes the cap thing? It's a lengthy process that is too long to video tape. It takes about 25 -30 minutes or so to prep.

Well after my honey left at lunchtime; I had some important errands to run; to prove to an Insurance Company that I am indeed disabled by going through a list of procedures (making photocopies and digging around for necessary information (last 2 disability payments received), and medical records for all of this year. It would cost me a fortune to get copies of all of that; so I don't know yet if I am supposed to pay for that or the insurance company? I think they are?. I had to drive over to the hospital and I purposely did not take anything for pain the entire day just so that I could drive. I only had to sit in the Business office for about an hour but I did get to talk on the phone with my mom and let her know I am doing OK; healing slowly and doing my chemo.

Life might seem a bit boring for me at this moment but I am always surprised and wowwed by the small things right now; just by being out of the hospital and having the freedom just to go outside in the sunshine and I even got to drive in my car today! It's the first time in over 3 weeks; perhaps me and Blue Belle can get it washed tomorrow! I wasn't in much of a hurry and didn't have a reason to be like so many out there. If so many drivers had ever been in my shoes; I am positive there would be much less road rage.

So many people seem to be in a hurry to live their lives; should just enjoy the moment that you are given. I had probably all red lights (both trips and those are long red lights on Lawrence Expressway!)and I enjoyed each moment no matter what. I kept reminding myself; I am not in that hospital and I'm free (no TPN bag). I also had plenty of music on my iPod to listen to.

I am a little worried I must admit over how long this Picc line will be in and how long I have to be eating liquid intravenous food. I have to admit sometimes I have my little crying jags where I get scared but I use them to release all that negative energy and just remind myself of how much fun I did get to have this year. I pray that I don't have to be on chemo for the snowboard season and can get this Picc line removed by then. I bet it would be much uncomfortable under my snowboard jacket and getting all these things caught up in there?!

I tried to watch one of Quinton Tarrontino's slasher films about the stunt car driver who likes to go on murderous rampages but had to change the channel; while I love his 70's style of film; I can't get myself to dig the blood and guts; probably because I've been gutted enough this year and watching the crashes made my pain really intense. I couldn't do it. At least we have "I love you Man!" to watch tomorrow night on DVD! I need to stick with the happy uplifting films from now on!) On to more healing and fun with my honey!)

I'm back home from the hospital again!....Hopefully for good!

This morning I finally got released from the hospital at around 11am. I had awoken with severe nausea and pain in my abdomen (most likely from the chemo) so we dealt with that. I kind of just had to lie on the bed and stay motionless for just a little while. This feeling did keep me from packing things up as I had wanted to and I also wanted badly to go upstairs to floor 4 to say good bye to my new friend Anne and to bring back a DVD I had borrowed. I just didn't have the energy; I couldn't get myself out of bed. I was so incredibly lethargic!(

The doctors had come to see me shortly after 7am to remove the staples and to discuss my early release from the hospital. I was stoked but also frightened dearly of having to get those staples removed. Don't laugh, but I video taped the whole procedure this time for those of you who might be interested in that kind of stuff. I didn't realize it but the last two staples were actually blocked by my shirt; sorry about that (I was being a chicken monkey about it all and I videotaped the whole deal with my eyes closed. That's why I wasn't carrying on!); but I also got them taking off the bandage to my JP and then putting on those little steri strips (I think that is what they are called), but they basically hold you together and allows for the tummy to heal further.

I will never forget having those staples removed just the day before my wedding and then having those little steri strips that seemed to always get caught on my dress. (I had to go potty a lot because of the surgery on my bowels). My honey still wanted to marry me no matter what and he and I are still happy newly weds! Steri strips and all!)

Anyway my husband showed up this morning to pick me up around 10:15ish or so and was so incredibly accommodating to me. It's just those tiny little things that he does for me that I could never ever take for granted. In fact anytime anyone does something nice for me; I can't bring myself to always just expect that of them; instead I just appreciate it. It's just wonderful and just another thing in life to be incredibly thankful for. I just can't believe that incredible gift I have in such a wonderful husband. He packed up mgsy thin very nicely; just like a soldier would; all of my belongings were very organized; he even made a few quick trips to the truck so that we wouldn't have so much to carry back, he went to pharmacy and picks up my drugs, and then he even walked up to the 4th floor and took the DVD that I had borrowed from Anne back up to her. What an awesome, awesome man to be married too! I'm so thankful for everyday that I get to spend with him!)

Well, when my honey went upstairs to see Anne, she decided right then to come downstairs immediately in her wheelchair so that she could say good bye to me. The sweet nurse Terry helped wheel her downstairs and I got to hug both of them. It was so good to see her and I will be leaving my Skype on just in case she wishes to call me. It's great to make such an excellent connection while in the hospital like that. I have had hospital roommates before that were no where near that nice; well I take that back I did have one that was awesome; a breast cancer survivor. She was so sweet to me and treated me as if I were her daughter.

Riding home was easy enough as my energy level started to increase. I was so excited to be outside and riding in a car. I couldn't believe that I was outside at all; it was so nice. Today the temperatures were in the triple digits today and I stayed inside mostly. I finally went outside after 5pm when it just started to cool down just a little bit to hang out with some neighbors as Blue Belle played with her best friend Tess. Of all things I forgot my camera. They were playing so cute together and I got to hang out for just a little while with four of my neighbors. They all have missed me because I have been in the hospital for quite a while (over 3 weeks). Amanda even came outside with her mother. It was so good to see everyone. We finally went back inside as I started to feel some pains; I came inside and rested and then felt more energy once again. I didn't have much painkillers today only 2 applications of the liquid morphine (morning and night) and this medication is approved for every 2 hours.

Later on I got a surprise and 3 co-workers came by to visit me. I was so happy to see them and I had missed all of them like crazy over the months. In fact I was actually kind of looking forward to going back to work and seeing everyone again. Time just passes by no matter what anyway. I hope to have enough energy to go visit everyone at work soon.

I think today was good day to be released from the hospital; I definitely feel more ready despite having had chemo last night. I'm not in as much pain and I feel good overall. Can't get the smile off my face (I have so much to smile about today).

My chemo doctor called and talked with my husband about adding Carbo or Cisplatinum to my regimine and I'm down with it. My husband isn't so much but I want a fighting chance to kill this horrid shitty cancer! I promise to keep you all updated on our decisions on that. I feel very strongly that I can handle those severe side effects because I do have the best ever anti-nausea medicine and I don't have to worry about being arrested for using it. I don't have to say another word about it; I feel confident that I can handle the chemo ahead of me despite this 6th major surgery. It wasn't so bad (hopefully tomorrow I won't be writing that yes, it was bad after all!) Just kidding! I hope I'm not jinxing myself by saying that; but yes I am ready as ever to battle cancer!

One of my visitors has a severe phobia of all large dogs and Blue Belle does kind of fit into that category (she's a large Sheltie); she might even have those intimidating teeth and all. She was so convinced that she was going to get my friend over her fear of dogs and I think she did it. It was really cool to see. I think she could sense her fear and just felt "why would anyone be afraid of Miss Blue Belle"? I kept trying to tell her to leave my friend alone but she just kept on smiling at her and walking by her and smiling some more; she just wanted her to reach over and pet her and to tell her that she wasn't afraid of her. I have seen many get scared on the streets as I have walked by with Blue Belle but more often than none; most people are more willing to want to pet my beautiful Blue Belle. This was just another example of why I would love to push her into therapy for people with PTSD or wounded soldiers. She has that confidence that she can heal anyone. It's very cool to see.

My friend Anne called me via Skype just when my visitors were about to leave and of course Tonto had just been fed so he was over at my next door neighbor's getting his second dinner. Well he came back later on & so here we are! Tonto sends his Love to you Anne and I hope you are able to come home soon!

I'm so happy to finally be at home and my pain level to be under control. It was scary last week and am so happy that I survived it all. Thank you all for all of your prayers, positive thoughts, good vibes, and most of all Kharma! Peace and love to all you!

Starting Chemo Today ...Things Improving slowly..

Well I had a much better day on Saturday than on Friday; Friday did improve some throughout the day with a visit from my dear sweet neighbor Sharon and just knowing that I had a wonderful roomie who related so well to all that I had been through. Sharon had arrived during her lunch break and shortly after all the terrors of my severe pains and not long after my pain had gotten under control.

I hope this post isn't too confusing; just trying to sum up the days in the best way that I can. Please do check out my beautiful pedicure that I got on Saturday morning thanks so very much to my sweet neighbor Sharon. Aren't my toes just gorgeous? She even added some pretty little flower sticker thingys on them which really added some beautiful detail. They really do look gorgeous and I chose the color teal for Ovarian Cancer; next month after all, is Ovarian Cancer Awareness month.

I got pampered and had wonderful conversations with both Sharon and Ann my sweet roomie for the for first couple of hours after I had woken up (shortly after 11am). Many of the nurses were wanting to line up for a pretty pedicure after I had mine since my toes looked so beautiful. Sharon is so very thoughtful and even got me a gorgeous pair of flip flops which I sported proudly around the halls around 2pm after I had gotten hooked off all the IVs; the PCA pain pump and the TPN Food bag. I was free of IVs for just a few hours! I was so stoked! You would have thought that I had won the lottery. A friend of mine had written to me about flying his planes and I was actually feeling that kind of freedom exactly just being able to roam the halls freely without being attached to any IVs. I will get a few hours each day for a few weeks free of IVs. Pretty exciting for me and still lots to be thankful for.

Miss Blue Belle has been arriving each night to provide me and Ann with wonderful dog therapy for each of us. Yes, why not share my dog with my wonderful sweet roommate who helps me when I need it most. She had helped me quite a bit; starting with my IV pole (it had gotten severely tangled) and helping me to remember to unplug all my IVs when I was having potty emergencies (I was almost peeing in my pants), and of course calling the extremely forgetful nurse numerous times when I was in so much pain on Friday. She did everything she could to try and get the nurse to even consider thinking about saving my life.

Well after all that drama, I felt it was only fair that I shared my dog with her. It was the least I could do; dog therapy really is one of the best medicines there is and when you are in the hospital it makes being there so much better when there is a pretty fluffy dog smiling, kissing, and loving on you unconditionally; no matter how bad you feel. She just has that gift about her where she can do just that.

I tried to watch a movie last night with Ann "Kit Kittredge: An American Girl" and I fell immediately to sleep from beginning to end. It was supposed to be a good movie but I will have to try and watch this one again (perhaps during my chemo). Netflix has decided to deny my affiliate membership because my blog only gets just over 2000 visitors each month and apparently that's just not enough traffic for them. Why must they be so greedy? Why must anyone be greedy? Why can't we all give everyone a chance;? Netflix really needs to spread the love for little blogs such as mine. How harmful am I if I am just sitting in the hospital watching their movies; I'm a loyal paying customer who happens to write about good movies that touch me in the hospital while promoting their company.

I really do have a feeling that this blog will grow with time and they will begin to see what a great customer I am because of having to sit in the hospital and watch movies in order to escape the realities of my horrors in the hospital. Movies have a way of doing that to you. You can just pop one in and be in a totally different world and state of mind. I love the thought of forgetting about having this blasted cancer even if it's just for 2 hours; but that's two hours usually spent laughing and enjoying a good plot line. For now I guess Netflix will just have to jank me for my free advertising for them. You can still get the movie at Blockbuster video and many other places online too. RedBox is another one that is in serious competition and I may have to check that one out.

Well I spoke with my doctor today with my honey via Skype. My doctor was with me in hospital room and the three of us discussed my options. I am starting a chemo drug called Topotecan starting today so look for an update later on today with photos. I have to take the drug intravenously for about an hour drip once a week. There are minimal side effects and I may be expected to loose some of my hair; maybe all; I don't know.

I am saving up my money for my beautiful head tattoo which I am very excited about. We will see how that goes; as it is right now just a dream and not really a reality right now. I always seem to change my mind and I am very gifted with my imagination. I don't always make all of my dreams come true but I do at least try. I may not even loose my hair; the future will always be unclear for me. I just have to enjoy every moment that I get.

If this drug doesn't work; our next line of defense will be a drug called Doxil which I have never tried and the side effects are pretty minimal. The bottom line is that I do need to start chemo right away and to not waste any more time on this disease eating and destroying any more of my insides. This is what is causing so many of my digestive problems. I will also have to be on a very mild diet; back to the BRAT diet (Bananas, Rice, Apple Sauce, and white Toast), smoothies and soft foods. I can do soft pastas as long as they are easy on my tummy and just work my way up.

Here are the chemo drugs that are pumping inside my body and killing those icky cancer cells; let us pray and hope that they are!)

My doctor did mention that with the way that things are going on with my body right now; it is most often a sign that the disease has taken over and that there could be a slight chance that none of the chemo will work and that we might have to plan for hospice care (I cried like a baby) but we are going to be as positive as we possibly can and try our very best to think positively right now that all of this will work. I will even be playing Pac-Man on my iPhone during my treatment. Everything that I can possibly do to make this cancer die!)

I will use the power of my mind to be beat this and become as strong as possible & that this will work, all the prayers from others and so much more combined can kill this monster. My Yoga, Green Tea, eating tons of Blue Berries and everything possible that I can think of that kills cancer; I will do. Here I am in survivor mode doing my best to fight this monster! Life to me is so worth fighting for and I will continue this fight for as long as possible!)

A Nightmare Return to the Hospital..

Well I spent all night long in the ER dealing with trying to get medicated in time for the pain waves to start and then finally at 6:30am I am was finally taken to my room on the 4th floor; an area where nurses are assigned patients at a rate of 1 nurse per 5 patients where as before it was only 2-3 patients on the 2nd floor. I had the slowest nurse on the planet and not at all the brightest; she meant well but she did not at all understand or comprehend that I was indeed suffering in the highest levels of pain. I guess she just thought that I was just some psychotic drug addict and was screaming because I needed drugs.

I remember screaming and crying in my room screaming for help and no call button to be seen. I was very lucky to have a roommate who was able to call a nurse to help me get a puke bucket and nothing else. All of a sudden I puked out a bunch of green shit and it just kept coming in waves; my insides were feeling as if they were being torn and ripped up; I almost felt as if I had ripped a staple; puke was even coming out of my nose and I could not breath; more puke was coming as as the puke was coming out of my mouth I yelled "Help! Help! Please help me!" I was so scared and I thought I was dying from such severe pain. My stomach was cramping like no other and tears were just streaming down my eyes. It had already been over half hour with out anything for pain.

My nurse finally came in with very disheveled hair kind of brushed all over the place; she looked like an older Chinese woman; she appeared in shock after I showed her my stomach which was swelled up and had multiple staples going down my stomach and I asked if she could please examine them in case some had ripped out.

I think it freaked her out and she hurried out of the room; she didn't want to see me any more; I guess she wanted to just let me die in peace. I was hoping and praying that she was going to call the doctor on call to get me something for pain but nothing at all from this nurse. She tried her best to forget that I even existed even as I yelled and screamed in pain. It was like it must have been like normal times on the 4th floor of Kaiser Hospital, Santa Clara; that one loud patient that is often ignored; no matter how loud their pleas for help must be.

I finally found the call button and kept calling her for pain meds and each time she came in; she told me that the doctor had in the computer that I was to be on a PCN and we had to wait for the pharmacy to get that unit ready. Nothing could be done; she didn't have the ability to call the doctor for more meds; she was too busy to do that. She acted just like it would be like 2 minutes more of waiting each time; "it's on the way!" she would tell me. She didn't tell me that it would be another 3 hours of waiting and in the mean time I begged her to just get me some form a pain shot; anything to stop this pain. It was a 10 and I was suffering needlessly. The whole time I was suffering in this pain; I was trying so hard to breath and to stay alive because it really seemed that death was right around the corner. I wanted to do everything I could to survive this horrible pain. I called the operator, then patient relations to see if I still had health insurance. I was so desparate. Nothing at all could be done to help me because I was just a number to all of them; I even tried to call OBGYN Oncology just prior to 9am when the pain had gotten even worse. It was about a 12 and I could barely talk on the phone; I pleaded with the nurse on the phone to please send me a doctor that could help me.

As far as I was concerned; I was going through some cruel and unusual punishment for a patient to have to endure. I hope to GOD that Obama's Healthcare bill passes so that I can have more options for treatments and that things change from the way that they are. I can see as a patient areas needed for change; where patients are treated as Medical Record Numbers and not as actual breathing life. I really do hope it does pass for my life's sake and I'm sure countless others. I am not a huge fan of the misinformation campaign that is going on from these Health Insurance Companies that are fighting tooth and nail and using their all mighty power of the dollar to misinform the public about this Health Plan. This is a very good plan and great start needed for America.

I have this small feeling in the bottom of my heart that this HMO set up might just be waiting for me to kick the bucket and that sounds bad but it could just be what is happening to me right now and that really is a reality. I'm a burden on the system and I know this because of my pre-existing condition and chronic condition. I pray that my life is worth saving. What they don't know if what a fighter I am and I will fight tooth and nail to stay alive; I'm young and I will do everything in my power to survive this; I don't care how much pain I have to endure; I have so much to live for and so much to give to this huge world.

Well back to getting to my room; my nurse was treating me just like I was inside that computer and not just sitting here crying and screaming in pain. My level far exceeded a 10 and to make me suffer for 3 and half hours in pain while she was waiting for a box; I pleaded and begged her or anyone to just PLEASE give me a shot of morphine or something just to get rid of the pain right now rather than to have me wait for them to set up the box and of course the Pharmacy was taking a long time to get the box. It was hours before that box would even arrive and no one was willing to help me simply because in the computer the doctor had order a PCN for me to manage the pain. Well the trouble was no PCN and it wouldn't be one for many hours to come. I had suffer all those hours.

My eyes were literally rolling back in my head at this point and my poor room mate (same woman from downstairs in ER) was completely worried about me. She was shocked that nothing was being done for my pain. I kept calling the nurse and each time she would reply; the pain medication is on the way. I even got myself out of bed and tried to collapse in the hallway just to get some attention and this didn't even phase anyone on this floor. One nurse came over and helped me back to my bed as I pleaded with her to please call a doctor so that I could please get some relief from this extreme pain.

I was suffering in what I felt was cruel and unusual punishment to be going through that kind of pain and nothing to be done about it at all for several hours. I was amazed; not a care in the world about my pain. the box finally arrived just after 10am it took about 1/2 an hour for those nurses to figure out how to set it up in the mean time I was crying and going into convulsions from the extreme pain I was in. I was ready to pass out at this moment; tears were streaming down my face as it felt as if my intestines were being blown up.

Finally the box was hooked up and about 15 minutes later I was able to get my pain level under control; I was so happy. The forgetful nurse had to be reminded at least 4 times for everything that I needed.

My doctor finally made it to my room after 11 am when I had to go to the restroom pushing 3 different IV poles which was very hard in my condition. I made it though and one of the nurses was helping me to try to get rid of items not needed and consolidate everything onto one pole instead of 3.

My doctor informed me that according to the CAT scan I had taken earlier in the morning while in ER; my intestines were indeed very inflamed and he felt that the pain meds were simply not being absorbed into my system and therefore that is the reason that the pain was just out of control. Our goal for this stay; I have to be able to eat, shit, fart, and have the pain under control which should only take a few more days of being in here. I didn't get to tell him of the hell I had gone through this morning and I had forgotten to tell him to call my husband who just happened to be very ticked about me going home so early while I was in so much pain. It was as if they were in a hurry to get rid of me. He decided that he would put me on a pain patch and some liquid morphine to better control the pain. I would also be taking a suppository later on to hopefully wake-up my bowels. He told me that he would also put Ativan on my list of drugs to be able to have access to or to have a constant order for as needed.

Well I took the the Suppository about an hour later and then of course the muscle spasms began at around 1:45pm. I told my forgettful nurse Helen that I needed to get an Ativan to control the spasms and she insisted that I push the button on my PCA pump. That was not the case at all. I was having muscle spasms and it was just like talking to a brick wall in order to get the Ativan. She ignored the order that was already in the computer and insisted on calling my doctor first rather than pay attention to what was already in the computer. She finally got in touch with my doctor at around 4pm after I had been suffering in horrible horrible pain. To be quite honest; my poor butthole has been sliced, diced, staples, sewed and is full of scar tissue and the muscle spasms get to be so incredibly painful that I can barely stand it. I kept having to run to the bathroom and sometimes it felt as if I were ripping apart stitches inside me as the uncontrollable spasms continues. Here we go again, with this slow ass nurse.

Finally at 4:30pm the pharmacy had my Ativan ready after over 2 hours of agony. I kept pleading with her all those hours to please follow the order that was already in the computer but since I was just a dumb patient and a crazy drug addict; I didn't know anything. Hell I'm just a medical record number. I was just acting like I was in pain. Un-freaking believable! I couldn't believe this woman; just allowing me to suffer in pain like this needlessly. I tried hard to call other doctors while she was slow about calling mine. I needed help and I didn't get it when I needed it. It was absolutely rediculous to have to happen again.

My poor roommate had to put up with quite a bit from me and could barely get any sleep from my screaming and crying and I really felt bad about that. I continued to appologize to her and she totally understood my side of the story and was shocked herself that I was allowed to suffer in such extreme pain for so long. It was ridiculous.

It was around lunchtime when my sweet neighbor Sharon came by to visit me and make me feel much better. I was also happy to be talking with a very sweet roommate who happened to be very compassionate and understanding. While we both had very different diseases; we both had to be on chemo like drugs to keep us alive. Sharon had told me that her son had seen the ambulance taking me last night and was worried all night about me. I was doing much better and the pain was finally under control. She first asked me if there was anything she could get me and I did tell her that I didn't have good TP and she promised that she would give me the best pedicure ever tomorrow. I can't wait! What wonderful friends to be thankful for and I'm so glad I faught so hard to live through my ordeal. It really did almost seem as if I were going to die and faught hard the whole time. I have to live in the moment and be thankful for right now and I am. I'm very thankful for all the love I have in my life right now from so many.

Well I paid Ann back somewhat for my troubles; well Jimmy did. He brought in Miss Blue Belle to cheer us all up. Blue Belle was the perfect therapy for such a rough, rough day. I petted her and loved on and so did Ann my roommate. She just lost herself in Blue Belle's soft fur and Miss Blue Belle gave her infamous smile and lots of Blue Belle kisses. Sorry I don't have any photos of this union; didn't have my camera, phone or computer all day long and at that point they were still in the truck. I was so happy my honey remembered to bring what he did to make me feel more comforable during my stay here. How lucky I am to have him in my life. I'm thankful every moment to have him. He was very mad the entire time I was in so much pain. I didn't call him much throughout the ordeal so that I didn't stress him while he was at work. It was already stressful enough, but thank you GOD for getting me through all of that! I was not thankful to have to endure so much pain and I have to admit I did get mad at GOD quite a bit for making me suffer for long. I just didn't understand why it was happening, but it's over now! I made it!)

My husband couldn't stay too long but later on called me back on Skype and we continued to talk about the day and how lucky I am to be alive, how much life is worth fighting for and of course professing our love for one another. We must tell each other that we love each other at least 10 times per day. I can't help it; he is the love of my life and I so happy and very, very grateful to have found him.

Maybe blocked again and more pain...

Last night was my first night to sleep in my own bed and I thought for sure that I would sleep like a baby. I didn't fart at all the day or even throughout the evening or even the day that I left the hospital and I was starting to feel the pain of what could be a small abdominal blockage with pain that tipped the scale of 10 (on a scale of 1-10) with sharp, singes just going through my heart, my stomach and even my lower abdomen all through out the evening.

I really thought I was going to die and I kept contemplating; should we go to the emergency room? My honey was totally on my side and trying to comfort me in any way that he could. We both didn't want to go back but I had a feeling that it might have been from me coming off the pain pump; stronger intravenous medicine versus pills (which perhaps my intestines were not quite absorbing them). They were indeed not strong enough for amount of pain that I was in.

When ever I would try to lie down in bed to try to sleep the pressure in my abdomen would make it difficult to breathe and it felt as if I had rolling pain pain singes that kept getting worse as the night progressed. I kept having to get up to go to the bathroom many times through out the night to go pee and each time I was proud of myself that each time I remembered to pick up my heavy backpack of food instead of getting hung up and pulling IV cords.

We got into a very strict schedule of doubling up on the Percocets and then I would take an Ativan in order to be ahead of these violent outbursts of pain.

I really hated that I was keeping my husband up at night too but he was right there by my side no matter what; not even irritated at me for keeping him up. I cried and cried and worried about the outcome of all of this; will I survive this? I sure hope so and will try my very best to beat this. I feel that light inside me called a will and so much to live for; I am going to be as strong as I can and if I have to yell and scream from the extreme pain; then so be it. It helped relieve the stress of the pain in my abdomen.

In all, Wednesday night was just a long night of waking up throughout the night and each time having to walk around carrying my heavy backpack of food all night long. I'm in a constant confusion state of when I am hooked up to an IV and when I am not. At least I have the brains to check before getting up each time whether I am hooked up or not. LOL

The next morning my husband decided to call in sick in order to take care of me. We did a couple of Dilaudid and an Ativan that knocked me on my ass until noon which was nice. I needed to be knocked out from this horrible pain. My husband has been so totally stessed from my pains and I feel like total shit for stressing him out; sometimes I feel like he deserves so much better than this but he always insists that we will walk hand in hand through this together and no other way. He is in love with me no matter what; it's just a very stressful time right now of worrying whether I will survive in the coming days.

At noon, it was finally time for me to be unhooked from the heavy backpack of my TPN. The freedom of not being hooked up rocks and it may only be 6 hours of freedom; but that's only 6 hours of being able to walk around without having to carry a heavy backpack or a try to make the most of an IV line; sometimes I have to plug myself back into the pump when the TPN is on but during those 6 hours of freedom = no IVs!).

My very first day at home has not been easy and while I did take a suppository; it didn't totally help with this block; I mostly had to cut out food; yesterday I had eaten a small amount of Chicken Soup with rice, a few pretzels and a cut up apple with out the skins; today only 1 Yoplait yogurt and 0 appetite. I have been having hot flashes all throughout the day; I know it's from the TPN pump. At least with out my appetite I am at least getting some nutrition. It's scary that surviving this can be so hard. I wish I could eat and not have to worry about how everything can get through my system.

I just knew that I was facing going back into the hospital and hoping and praying that I could tough out this pain and hopefully be able to improve and stay home. I stayed drugged up for most of the day and mostly just watched trashed TV in drugged state; it was either that or doubled up in severe pain. I did get to go on a walk outside with Blue Belle trying to get some air out of my intestines and hopefully getting things woken up and working again. I walked up the block to mail some letters and cards, then walked around the pool area, got to hang with my neighbor's daughter for just a few minutes; then the pain started to get rough and I headed back home for more pills.

When I got home and doubled up some more on Percocets and a few hours later; still not working so I took some more Dilaudid and it kind of worked and I mostly stayed on the couch mostly feeling doped up until 9pm.

My sincere apologies for posting this painful looking photograph but it really is the realities of what I am going through. You can just see the pain in my face as I am crying. At this point, I really had no idea what was even going on inside my body and why I am hurting so much. My husband was out enjoying a beer with some friends when I called him and told him that we need to dial 911. I knew in my heart something was indeed wrong.

He got home and did the usual drill of locking out the animals so that they wouldn't try to follow me or exscape. I was so incredibly miserable from the pain, crying and screaming (they were even able to insert an IV and give me a shot of morphine which helped tremendously) once I got inside the hospital I was ignored much of the time. I was that crazy screaming woman that annoyed everyone within 20-25 ft? I don't know how far my voice was traveling but I couldn't help it. As far as they were concerned; I was belonging to a psychotic hospital unit and just needed a padded cell all to myself. I was so miserable in pain. I was next to another woman who was taking my screaming quite well. I tried not to scream but the pain level was too much to even handle. I honestly thought that my intestine was going to burst and the pain would just come in waves. I had to get ahead on pain medication before I was even comfortable.

My husband was totally pissed that I was let out of the hospital not able to poo or fart and I felt it was partly my fault for wanting to go home so bad. We had our warning signs when I was just walking out of the hospital and then the excrutiating pain that I had been experiencing.

To Be Continued.....

Home from the Hospital..Finally....

Let's hope I don't have to go back anytime soon. I'm still in an immense amount of pain from the surgery but I sure do love being back in my home. Being is in the hospital is so boring and lonesome. I can't tell you how relieved I am that I am here sitting in my own living room looking at my kitty cat whom I haven't seen in nearly 3 weeks. He's just looking at me and talking to me like "is there anything I can get you mommy?" He has been following me around like little puppy dog and everyone in a while he will say something but I just wish I could understand cat language. Maybe he is trying to speak English to me; I'm just not sure. I'm just so glad to be home and I've missed that bundle of fur so much. I loved seeing him on Skype; it was almost like I was back home in my own living room.

This was by far the longest stay I have ever had to endure in the hospital. It was just 2 days shy of 3 weeks. I didn't realize a block could constitute staying in the hospital quite that long. I almost got to stay a few hours longer when the pain erupted just as we were leaving. I was standing up just walking out and some of the nurses stopped us to ask some questions about my medication and the TPN I needed to bring home. We just were standing there for a little while and then all of a sudden I needed to sit down; tears were streaming uncontrollably out of my eyes as the knife like pains continued in my stomach. I felt just a fish being gutted right then and there. I can't get over how sore it is but I did just get cut open a little over a week ago and I still have staples that will need to be taken out next week.

This morning I got to yank out the JP tube. Check it just prior we were just scissoring the stitches and getting it ready for yank out. OMG it hurt like hell when she got it ready for me to this point where the white is hanging out. Awwww, damn it hurt like hell! I had to take a little break and then I started pulling and pulling and then I yanked out all the rest. A rubber tube being pulled right out of your insides is not at all that comfy or a great feeling to have feel; take it from me.

Well enough of the disgusting gross stuff; my husband I am have yet to figure out a schedule for my TPN. I need to be hooked up to it for 16 hours and then 6 hours off which mean 6 hours of total freedom from an IV. It's all about math and timing so that should get my chemo brain out of the dust and thinking. What will work best for both of us; what hours would I like to be free (and I only get 6 of them).

For now I am going to sleep in my own bed and enjoy being in my own house; helping myself to my refrigerator when ever I feel like it and going through a huge stack of mail; all the things you have to deal with when you are on vacation normally for an extended amount of time. Let's hope next time I have to go through such a huge stack of mail; my honey and I are on a great snowboard adventure in Colorado or somewhere awesome. Thank you all for your blessings, possitive thoughts and prayers. I am feeling much better and just enjoying being at hom with my family.

A Major Communication fallout...

Well I didn't mention Saturday that Nurse Eileen came into my room to help assist for a little bit and I mostly gave a her a dirty look. I had no idea why she was still in my room. I told her I didn't want her in my room any more and had even called the head nurse on Thursday just to make sure I didn't get her again. Anyway as I was talking to her, she pretty much ignored what ever I had to say and interrupted me to talk to the other nurse as if I was just an animal making noises in my bed. How rude? . She pretended that nothing had ever happened and acted like she did not hear me talking at all "I guess dumb patients just grunt and moan to her" since that's all she understands of them. I'm glad I didn't see her the rest of the day because it would have pissed me off further.

Sunday was a pretty good day; I was lonesome for part of the day and got to catch up on some sleep and some blogging on one of my other blogs; actually it's Blue Belle's blog. I had started this blog last year sometime in order to have a blog on all the fun things that we do with Blue Belle. I hope to continue this blog and perhaps this one I can try to be more consistent about updating.

I know it's quite insane and kooky at the same time, but Miss Belle will be blogging in the 1st on what its' like to be a Service/ Therapy Dog. I plan to write about all of our adventures and hopefully can get an affiliate membership with ActiveDogs.com. It sure would suck to advertise all of these great (expensive) vests and patches and then not even get a dime profit for doing so and even no discounts since I do purchase from them quite often. I'm blogging /working and sending customers her way and then nothing back in return; even down to paying full price for Blue Belle's own vests and patches seems very unfair. What comes around should go around and I pray they do the right thing. I don't expect much just a little for advertising and writing up blog articles on her vests. I plan to call tomorrow to find out more or if this will even be allowed.

Most of the blog will entail everything needed to train and to get a service dog ready for patients who need them. Blue Belle's experience in how she acts around patients and teaching her the command "No kisses" or "off" so that she doesn't smother or bother a patient. Some patients want kisses and others do not. So much to do and I sure do have the time here in the hospital to do that.

OK enough about the silly blog, I wasn't able to squeeze out any farts and none of the doctors would approve me having a suppository in order to help assist in that process. I would like to thank all of you for your lovely advice, prayers hot air warm thoughts!) on desperately trying so hard to get me pass some wind. That means so much to me! Thank you all from the bottom of my heat! All that love is priceless and no amount of money would ever be worth that!

I didn't sleep at all yesterday or Saturday night because I was suffering from extreme insomnia. The sleeping pills I had been taking for several nights in a row were not at all working; so last night we were on it. At midnight I took some Benedryl and was promised an Ativan in half and hour (12:30am), well that half hour turned into 2 and half hours; I kept buzzing the nurse and getting frustrated with her every half hour; she was busy with another patient and forgot that she should have delegated some of her tasks to some other nurses who looked like they were bored when I walked around earlier. This nurse is such a hard worker but she has no clue how to work with her team and have them help her; delegating work with her. I really needed some sleep and I lost out because of this and her desire to try to do everything.

She had finally come into my room just after 2:30am and I was sitting in my room reading a Michael Jackson article in Rolling Stone magazine. I had the TV off just trying everything possible to get me to sleep. I asked her if they could please hold off as long as possible for drawing my blood since she so terribly late with my medication; more like 7am so that I could sleep. She told me that she had a strict schedule and would try to hold of until 5:30am; I was quite bummed so I said OK. I was able to fall asleep shortly after 3am and then I was awaken shortly before 5am (around 4:55am) for a blood draw and vitals; that was it; I couldn't sleep at all after that so I got up and walked some more laps in the hallway in hopes that I might become so exhausted that maybe I could just come into my room and pass out and fall sound asleep.

I was up and awake so I decided I might as well work on some emails, do some banners for Blue Belle's blog, listen to an audio book, and even walked 10 laps in hopes that I could fall asleep. I was so incredibly grumpy and grouchy. I was finally given another Ativan in hopes that it would work to put me back to sleep for just a few hours and it did work. I feel asleep shortly after 7am.

At around 10am, my doctor came in to my room to check on me. I won't be going home today; maybe in a couple of days; I'm so bummed this visit has grown to be so long. He recommended a suppository and I was elated "Finally"! Finally! These things usually work for me and it did. I was able to fart up a storm; well not a whole lot but I also got to go #2 as well! I was so happy; the pressure on my tummy also subsided so hopefully I am getting better. I have already walked 20 laps around my hospital floor which also seems to be helping especially after taking the suppository.

I almost forgot to mention that my husband wasn't able to visit me yesterday and I was pretty bummed and depressed (I even tried to cry myself to sleep) but it was his short weekend and I am glad that he is able to go out and have some fun; one of us should be able to be out enjoying life and he sure deserves to like no other. He doesn't have to come to this dump (OK it is a state of the art Hospital) every single day. It does suck for me to miss a day of seeing him. I'm such a baby sometimes but I can't help it; I'm in love.

So here are the instructions in troubleshooting our problem of "MY FRIEND CAN'T HEAR ME TALKING; HOW DO I CHECK IF MY MICROPHONE IS WORKING?"

We both installed Skype on both computers at the same time so that we talk to each other and I could finally get to see Tonto who I miss so much. He installed the software on the iMac and me on MacBook Pro. We just kind of just walked each other through the whole process of installing, but it does seem kind of like janky software in that only 1 person could be heard. At first I was the one that was able to hear everything. It was awesome!



So in that paragraph of instructions do you happen to see "Sound Settings" here? I looked everywhere so these instructions are bunk.

"When you are in a call, find the little down arrow beside the call time near the bottom of the call window. Choose Sound Settings..."

We have yet been able to figure out why that is so but we could only talk to each other with our cell phones and we got the very worst back-up noises ever. It kind of squeaked and hurt our ears. I so wanted him to be able to hear me or to go over there and fix it for him; I just knew he had something wrong over there. (I'm a little more technical than he is)

My honey tried to pick up Tonto as he was talking to me on his cell phone and the back-up noise scared the living the living shit out of Tonto. He could hear me but he also heard that horrible eeeekkkeeek noise and he struggled to get free. It looked like he thought that he would going to be shoved inside that computer with me. I got to see the most hilarious facial expressions on that cat and as it was priceless! He scurried out of there! I laughed so hard that I had to grab my Teddy Bear in order to hold my tummy together. He just looked into the direction of the camera like "Why is my mom in there? What the hell did you do with her? Why is she in there and don't you throw me in there too!" It was so funny; his looks were amazingly funny! I wish I would have thought to take a photo of his snobbish face. It was totally priceless!

I want to go home so bad.I have been getting incredibly homesick these last couple of days. I'm also still in a great deal of pain and can feel the pressure of the stitching inside my stomach. I didn't think it would be this painful for so so long. I can't wait until I am pain free; I hope this happens one day. I can handle pain with out meds when the level hits a 6; but beond that; I'm not the bionic woman.

Well the same nurse (Nurse Eileen) returned to my room this morning to help out and I stopped her. I asked her kindly "you know I don't want you to be my nurse anymore; you stressed me out far too much on Thursday and I don't need that kind of drama or a nurse that pure out lies to cover her ass". She interrupted me to tell me she never called security, but I later found out she was the one who did.

I plan to call Patient services to just let them know that I am not at all comfortable with this nurse and to please keep her away from me. I'm not a fan of dishonesty at all and she put me through quite a bit of stress in order to cover her ass. She should have told me that I should be back at a certain time and she should have listened to her patient. Had she only listened to me instead of interrupting so rudely, things would have been much more different. How was I supposed to know that I was supposed to ask a doctor first if I could leave the floor? I was never told this. I was told by my doctor that I needed to walk; he never specified where.

We did tell her that we were going to the Farmer's Market (twice). Anyway, I survived that stress and that horrible anxiety attack and don't wish to have any more of those. I still don't feel that nurse is dealing with a full deck; I just don't trust her. I don't wish to see her again. I probably should give her another chance but I'm not ready to yet. Yes, I do give people second chances but it takes me some time to get over certain things. I'm quick to forgive but I don't ever forget.

Well this evening around 5:30pm in walks my very handsome husband with this beautiful little girl by his side. She was so happy to see me. He was very tired when he arrived and of course so was I. I could use a nap being that I didn't get much sleep last night or this morning. I think I got a grand total of 4 hours. I scooched over to the very edge and we cuddled for about 1/2 an hour until the phone rang and woke me up and then the nurses needed to take my vitals; my nap was officially over; I was full on awake. It takes nothing to wake me up.

So I got up grabbed my brush (yes I used my brush to brush my sweet Blue Belle), some extra wash clothes and that waterless shampoo. My poor pup was a dirty, dirty, dirty girl. Just look at how beautiful she looks now. I made sure I worked everything in and even rubbed that stuff out. It seemed like it got a lot of dirt out of her coat. It was so amazing. Once I get out of the hospital, I will be giving her a real bath in the bath tub. Yes, that's another amazing thing my honey did for me was fix the shower. We now have a shower head that is moveable? I don't know the terminology of that stuff but it can be detached and you can use it to wash the pets in the bathtub. It works like a gem and it will save us quite a bit from having to to the Pet Wash. ($15 per bath).

Well tonight around 11:30Pm my honey and I finally finished fixing Skype together and we both were successful up and on the screens looking and talking with each other. How confusing for the animals but they were starring right into the camera each time and it was so cute. We have a bunch of Tonto until he had enough. It might have been too weird for him. My honey and I could not resist kissing the screen over and over and over again and then just staring at each other. We fixed it! Now we can talk on Skye and now know what the hell we are doing. It was so fun and exciting. It may be an old technology that has been around but my husband and I plan to use it tomorrow morning so that I can be around to help him make his own breakfast. We will see. I may get to go home on Wednesday and we are now practicing with the TPN machine; the one that I will be going home with will be hooked up tomorrow evening and I will get 4 hours of IV freedom which I am very excited about. That means I get to go on walk with out an IV and I get to wear my T-Shirts with out those huge gowns made for some 500lbsp or more. I noticed when I was walking past this glass window and having to push the IV pole the super big sleeves exposed my tiny little pathetic breaths and left absolutely nothing to the imagination. If I had a T-shirt on, then I would have on at least so that my boobs won't have to be exposed anymore. How disgusting and anyone dare tell me this? Absolutely not. Oh well things are getting better for me and I wait to go home!

Finally gaining some weight and getting fat...

Well I'm not eating any real food just yet but I'm on a constant 24 hour feeding of this bag of milk and I have already gained over 10lbs!) I get fed intravenously one of these milk bags which contains 1,575.6 calories; wow! That's a lot of calories. Can you believe that just one of these bags of food costs over $3000 each? I have to be on one every single day for over 2 weeks; possibly more; so for just 16 days, that's over 48,000. Now one of those bags doesn't cost anywhere close to $3000. I bet you the actual cost of one of these bags is actually about $50. If that's not price gouging or downright fraud; I have no idea what is? It's so amazing how much health care needs reform like no other.

Those preexisting conditions is total bullshit and I'm so glad that is included in the reform bill. There are other things that are not included in the reform that are not like those frivolous law suits like when a doctor gets sued for giving a patient such as myself hope that I will survive much longer than 6 more months. If my doctor were to tell me that I had more time which he is not allowed to do because of those stupid lawsuits; I would be able to have hope. No worries, I do; doctors can be wrong but it would be great if he could be on my side to give me more hope that I could survive more surgeries too.

The reform bill is a good start and it's hope that things will get better and it would also help people like myself be able to go to some of the best Cancer Centers in America to get the very best treatments and as it is now; I don't qualify because of my pre-existing medical condition. I would have to stay with Kaiser for the rest of my life; if it goes through I could actually get another chance to go else where for treatments that might give me more of a chance to survive. I can't always qualify for the best treatments like that Ovarian Cancer vaccine that can be made from my own cells which could cause my cancer cells to attack each other. Kaiser will not pay for all the best treatments and they are expensive. What I hope the reform bill can do is to stop this price guaging which is rediculous. We really need this health care reform and I can't stress this enough. Things have to change and I'm downright scared for my life right now.

I had a tiny little scare last night when I weighed myself with Blue Belle on the bed. Together, we weighed 163lbs; Blue Belle weighing 35 and me weighing in at 128. According to the bed, I had gained more like 20lbs and to be honest it scared me just a little and it still kinda is. I am getting a little bummed that more than likely I won't get to eat everything that I wish to eat in order to gain back the rest of my weight; but maybe I will. I was like 120 last time I left the hospital will hopes of eating all that I wanted too then I wasn't able to and I lost another 10lbs in like several months. What a scary couple of months those were. I thought for sure I was a gonner deep, deep with in my mind. I always try very hard to remain as positive as possible and my will to live is so very strong; I just can't explain it. Well I did get reweighed today on a real scale and I weigh a total of 119.2 lbs.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very, very happy that I have been able to put on this extra weight; I really need to fatten up and I'm starting some heavy, heavy duty chemo next week and I will totally need that extra weight on my side. I looked at myself in the mirror and just looking at my legs; I am starting to look pretty fat; that's OK. Maybe its just that puffy water weight gain but my face was looking fat to my honey. I think he's just tripping but everyone else is telling me I look very beautiful; my visitors and the doctors and nurses. That makes me feel good!) Yes, do tell us Cancer patients we look pretty; that always helps our moods and feelings!)

I guess I won't be fitting into my skinny clothes when I get home; I'm going to have to dig out some of those fat clothes again. Wow! I guess thanks all for sending me all those extra pounds! I really did need them and am shocked to have received that weight so fast. Wow that is power of prayer and a miracle! Just look at that fat tummy and while we are a tad bit worried that I had gained the weight so fast, I am in the process of' getting healthier and I really do need this for the chemo.

I feel I'm so much more ambitious than ever to start this fight all over again! I'm dreaming of cool tats for my bald head and even some pretty shaped eye brows for when the hair falls out there too. My hair has been slowing falling out all this time in handfulls each and every day that I brush or wash it and it's getting to be quite thin. It's not long enough to donate to locks of love but at least I got to do that just once before. (tried to find the post where I had written about it but I think it was in one those "Good Kharma News Letters" which I have since discontinued. I promise to try find that article and repost it here because it really was a great experience. It had been my dream to do so one day when I first started my first ever chemo. I always love it when I can make a dream come true and live to see it come true! What a great feeling!

I remember when I used to have the thickest most beautiful black hair (& I've had blond hair and the dirty dishwater blond) back in the day and I was often mistaken for Sandra Bullock or Julia Roberts quite often by strangers on the street; tourists were the best; I would get photographed like crazy and then would have to break the news that I wasn't either of them; wow those really were the days! I'm so grateful to have lived those days; now other young girls have that experience to do so! I will always have photos and of course those fond memories of those days.

I don't really care that I don't right now because I have so many other things to be thankful for; especially that hot hunk of burnin love for a husband; he really is the most fantastic man I could ever dreamed of asking for and he appreciates me no matter what. He fell in love with me in my prime and I was able to capture his heart back then and I still have it; well he definately has my heart with out a doubt. He is my Prince Charming; sorry to go so sappy on all of you; what can I say? I'm so deeply in love right now and it's such an awesome feeling!)

Yes things in life have a way of changing and you won't always have those good looks forever but you can always still be that beautiful person inside. I already feel that I am!)

OK, back to reality; when should I get to go home from the hospital? Well, hopefully, I will be out of the hospital on Monday or Tuesday (that is just what they are saying and I won't believe it until it actually happens), but I have to be able to fart first and I have been gassing up quite a bit in my tummy; just not passing anything. So let us all pray that I rip a bunch out either in my sleep tonight or all day tomorrow. Boy my honey was ripping some tonight and I got so jealous; I wished I was doing that!( Maybe that's why my tummy is so huge?) I'm really frustrated that I am not being able to fart; I just hope it happens soon. Some people ask and pray for much bigger things and for me it's just being able to fart; so can I please fart?

OK I know this isn't the most pleasant stuff to be reading about; but it is my reality that I'm not about to hold back. I just hope that my tiny little requests make you less snappy when your love farts because what if they couldn't like me? I did ask for a suppository last night and for some reason was denied one by the doctor (well the nurse I asked had to call the doctor). I know those things can at least start something. The last time I was blocked up from my surgery a suppository had helped to get the gas started ripping. I was blasting up a storm and dam did it feel good! I also asked the nurse again tonight and hopefully I will get one tomorrow.

Well yesterday I got to yank out that crappy NG tube all by myself right in front of the doctor. Wow! I was so stoked and so was the doctor when I did it myself. It was kinda fun to do; I just asked if we could first take a break after she took off the tape that was all over my nose and I just grabbed the tube and just started pulling slow at first and then fast until it all came out. It didn't hurt at all. It always kind of hurts when it is yanked out by someone else because they have all the control and it's also incredibly uncomfortable especially when put in. I am in danger right now of having it reinserted but we will see. See I would much rather try that suppository first than to go through the dumb NG tube again. Boy my nostrils and throat hurt like hell getting that thing re-inserted and let's hope the doctor let's me have a suppository instead of re-inserting that damned NG tube. So let's all pray that Jayne gets to fart!) OH GOD please let me fart; I don't want that thing in me again!

The farting must happen before I am allowed to eat anything. I also have to shit too (I wish I felt like going) and that will be a total challenge too; so no nurses can blame me yet for their stinky farts.

Thank god no nurses have farted or stunk up my room although I did have a stinky janitor yesterday come into my room to change the trash and his cologne almost made me yak. It was so incredibly stinky and it took forever for it to get out of my room. I'm so thankful that Debbi brought me that fragrant body butter to apply on myself and that helped so much in getting that stinky pissy smelling cologne smell out of my room. What did he do; just let his dog piss on him?

How do some people walk out of the house smelling that horrible or what possesses them to put on cologne or perfume that reaks so strongly? Some people just spray on way too much perfume; just a little bit if fine but you don't have to over do it. I thought I was going to puke. Poor dude came back and asked if I wanted my room cleaned and mopped; oh God it needed it but I wasn't about to let him back in my room to reak it up again. I wasn't at all rude to him; still the sweet Jayne that I am. OMG! I told him NO perhaps the night janitor can just mop it later and of course I forgot to request that.

Well he came back today and asked and I refrained again from letting him. This time he didn't reak and I should have just let him mop the room but I was afraid if he was in here too long that perhaps I would smell it again. Maybe some complained yesterday (I hope so). I just can't take any chances like that again. I didn't even want him to change the trash. I'm so bad.

Well I walked an entire 30 laps on my hospital floor yesterday; not at the same time but I did get out 3 times to walk that day. Last night around 2am I did 10 whole laps in hopes that a little bit of farting might result; but no; not yet. These aren't very long laps but at least I'm getting some exercise to try to get things moving. I only got 20 laps done today and even got to sit outside in the sunshine out in the Rosemary garden. I got a few sprigs of Rosemary and put it in my pocket in case stinky janitor returns.

Well last night my husband came in with Pretty Miss Blue Belle to watch a movie with me. OMG it was so funny; I laughed so hard I had to have my teddy bed to squeeze on so that I didn't have any stitches rip. Oh we both laughed so hard at this movie. I love comedies like that. It was called "Smother" and it had me in stitches. It starred Diane Keaton (Marilyn Cooper), Dax Shepherd (Noah Cooper) and Liv Tyler (Clair Cooper). Anyway, Diane Keaton plays the annoying mother would call at 6:30 in the morning and tell complete strangers embarrassing stories about her son Noah and of course Dax Shephard was her son. From beginning to the very end of this movie we laughed our asses off. She had gotten into a fight with her husband who was played by Ken Howard, so she moves in with her son and his wife and she brings along all 5 of these cute little rescue dogs (a pug, basset hound, beagle, Scottish terrier, and a Westie) each all sporting a cute doggie vests and they each went by the same name "Sammy Higgins". It was so cute how they each went by that same name; when one of the dogs would come into the room and make a cute face and she would tell the dog "go to bed Sammy" it just cracked me up. Yes of course I would love doggie parts in the movie. I highly suggest this movie if you are looking for having a good laugh.

Anyway today, I got a nice visit from a good friend of mine whom I haven't seen in about a year Her daughter is now 15 months old and so incredibly cute. What lungs that little girl has and it was kind of neat that she took to me so quickly and almost immediately. Kids are great like that and can usually spot a good person much faster than we can. They have this innocence about them just like animals do and it was cool to see that.

I also got the most amazing email from an old boss of mine that literally brought tears to my eyes. It was so well written and it really made me happy, it was the kind of email you get where you can just read it over and over and over again; it really was that good. I would share it with all of you but I respect his privacy more than anything. I also got some really heart felt comments that really made my heart beat slow down and it kind of felt like my heart just warmed up; like the warmth of love; I know that sounds corny but its the honest truth.

I really had no idea that I had such an impact on so many lives and to me this has been a dream of mine to hopefully open so many hearts. I want others to appreciate what they already have and to not feel the need be so greedy and concerned only with themselves; be able to feel how wonderful it feels to share with others or just to think about someone else besides themself.

One dream of mine is that I can change many who are already self absorbed, very greedy, selfish and never really happy at all when in reality they have so much that they should be thankful for. If you have just your health, then that's something to really be thankful for (I don't have much of that). I know I say this all the time, but really; life is so much worth fighting for and just to have life makes me very, very happy! All this walking, excellent comments on my blog and especially that email makes me want to fight more than ever and I hope to survive this for many many years!)