Things I have to complete before I die...

 I thought I would write about this subject since it isn't even thought of a whole lot even for normal couples.  It could actually happen to any one of us; but in my case its making more sense that we get prepared and get the messy paperwork and stuff out out of the way.  Death can be a messy thing in the beginning and having a stiff hanging around the house over night if you haven't picked out the right mortuary could be a bit nerve wracking.      

This week my honey and I are going to be looking at funeral homes, mortuaries, and /or places to hold a Memorial Service.  We were both initially very confused about  all the paperwork and thinking that I needed to sign some of the forms  and being in horrible, horrible trouble if we had not had the signed the paperwork while I was still alive?  Well we printed everything out because in all honestly we were both a bit stressed out like crazy about it all.

I'm glad that we were able to  speak with our Social Worker yesterday and thankfully we didn't have to worry as much as we had been.  It doesn't matter when those boring forms get signed and I certainly don't have to worry about signing  any of them either. All those forms are very confusing for anyone to have to fill out. I can see how scary those forms are for the survivor.

As for services we are trying to figure out what we plan to do; whether it be a party to celebrate my life or just a service for those who choose to show up; many can just come on up tell their own stories about me or sit and watch the slide shows for which I'm preparing for the service.   My slide shows contain tons of photos of me with all my favorite music.  Oh all the wonderful memories my honey have made together!) What ever happens, happens and I'm OK with it.  I just hope that no one ever forgets who I am.

I even started working on my own Obituary?  Yeah, the internet is very cool like that and there are bunches  and bunches of templates one can use to write a very good Obituary.  Oh and there is an awesome band that I saw maybe 20 years ago called Obituary!)  Wow they rock!   My honey just wants all this difficult stuff done so that he doesn't have to worry about having to do all that when the time comes; I plan to help him get it all done; what every it takes.    It sucks that sometimes my pains end up scaring him; especially when I'm having those add insult to injury butt hole spasms.  Why the hell do I have to suffer with those?  That's pretty strange, huh?


We are even trying to pick out Urns.  I can't believe how many beautiful Urns there are out there and all the ones that I end up liking end up costing over a grand?  Why do I have such exquisite tastes?  Not fair!  If it makes him happy to get all of this shit out of the way; I'm all for it.  It's going to be very hard on him and I can't even imagine how hard its going to be.   He deserves the very best and I'm going to help him no matter how hard it gets.   I just can't imagine the thought of loosing him so I imagine he's going through his own personal hell.  Cancer is so evil and I hope one day there will be a cure so that no as one young as myself or younger or even older has to deal with such grim realities.  I'm  really sad for him and it makes me cry to even think about how hard it's going to be for him to have to continue on with out me? How can a love story like ours end like that?  We are supposed to be together forever, right?  Why does this shit have to happen to us?  We are both good people right?  It would be cool if we could, but unlucky for me having the most deadliest form of female cancer there is; makes me quite unlucky like that. I love my sweet pumpkin boy!)  He is so amazing and wonderful!

I know these are all old photos of us and we have been through so many years of fun and so many years of sheer terror from this disease.  There have been countless times of not knowing that I was going to make it.  I almost feel like an immortal, a walking medical experiment; but I'm still alive and I'm going to keep on living despite the fact that we went through all that crap of researching all this death crap.   It's going to happen to all of us eventually and to have a mortuary already picked out is pretty important.  I'm happy that we have a checklist of things to complete and I also feel confident  that everything will go smoothly with my honey should the inevitable happen. 

Check out those lockets!  My hair was so freaking curly when it came back in!)  I'm doing OK for now and the Hospice care is helping me quite a bit with the pain and the suffering.   I think my quality of life is much better than expected!)  (the pot has been giving me the major, major munchies and of course I get so incredibly thirsty!)  I still have that will to live and it's strong.  I wish so bad that I could actually eat a real home cooked meal.  At this point I think most people are so lucky and they don't even see it.  My honey is allowing me to eat what ever my heart's content and after wards its always the same thing; lots of violent puking.  Then I end up using my vaporizer which has been the very best treatment for the nausea of anything I have including the Zofran ODT which I take about 3 times a day and just letting it sit on my tongue until it dissolves.   So I'm a forced Bolimic.  NO I don't think I'm fat; I think I'm too damned skinny!  I need some real meat on my bones.  Why is it that we can liposuction and we can't have lypersuckion?   But I do eat and pig out as much as I can which really isn't a lot of food but I end up puking or sucking it all out with R2 (my Gomco constant and intermittent stomach pump).  The Vaporizer works excellently on the severe heartburn I get from eating the most starchiest of food including french fries and fried chicken!)  I did get up to 106lbs by pigging out but I had to eventually get it all out before it messed up my seriously bad. 

I wish all of you Lots of Peace and Love!  Hope you enjoy this collage of photos that I took of Tonto enjoying his Captain's Chair!)  Actually I will have to try again later to upload this impossible video for YouTube.  They are having much trouble with this video? Hopefully later it will be uploaded soon!)

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How to teach a cat to walk on a leash?

From surviving cancer; to training therapy animals here I go!  I recently got a request that I write a blog post on how to teach a cat how to walk on a leash.  Yes, its a far cry from being a cancer patient but don't we have our needs for training our therapeutic animals? 

Yes, I have one of those strange Dog Cats that loves his outdoor walks, sometimes he  even fetches his favorite toys and will even play bad mitten with you (only if he feels like it).  He is always up for a walk outside but the trick is; he will only walk around around Town House Complex.   If I do try to walk him outside on the street he will do what others cats typically do and just lay down and give me dirty looks.  He is not a street walking cat but instead a Town House Cat.

When I first got Tonto he was exactly 180 degrees different from what he is now.  He was mean, scared of humans, and totally farrow.   I imagine he was abused because we couldn't get close to him at all; he even bit me several times and also bit my husband.  It totally pissed both of us off that we couldn't get this kitty gentle.  We were so ready to get rid of him because he seemed dangerous and totally anti social. 

We had Old Toonces and just wanted to get a kitty that he wouldn't be so jealous of.  He needed a buddy and for Toonces is was a buddy that he could boss around.   Toonce didn't have a tail and we figured if we got a kitty that had a tail he wouldn't get the idea of tearing up the tail.   Toonce was the total Alfa cat despite having had a sex change.  Well he got Crystalitis? not sure how to say or pronounce it but in essence they had to cut his penis off (it was completely blocked with urine crystals) and they even made him a pussy?  He could be pretty rough with a kitten which is why we chose an older kitten that may be able to hold his own.  Tonto was only 5 months old when we got him.  Toonce loved that Tonto didn't have a tail.  He had never seen another cat like himself.  It was cool!)

Check out my curly post chemo locks!)  This is a photo of Tonto after I had him close to tame. I can't believe how tiny he used to be!  What I did to gentle him was to keep him in his crate at first and locked him in the bathroom where I could spend some quality time with him.  After a few weeks he got more and more gentle.  We let him out before the 2 week span and OMG was he wild and crazy.  We no idea that we would have him become the cat that he is today.  He seemed set in his little ways that humans were all evil.  He finally did come around.  My mom had always told me that I have a way with animals and my honey believes that to be true as well.

It was such a slow process getting Tonto gentle and loving us.  He got to the point that he would follow me into the bathroom just to spend some time with me.   To this day he still does that?  It took him 2 weeks to fall in love with me and a total of 6 months before he trusted my honey.  What actually changed him was when a friend brought over her little 2 year old son.  The little boy had a feather in which he played with Tonto.   Tonto totally surprised me the even came out from under the bed upstairs.  He was sitting under a table in the living room when the toddler was playing with him.  We had only had him maybe a month when this happened but it was such a beautiful moment.  Tonto used to be this zip in the room.  He would run past us and you couldn't even make it out that this was a cat zipping by.  He was stealth fast and total blur when he zipped by.  It was like zip here and zip there and "what the hell was that?". 

Even as a baby; he loved sleeping on his back in so many different areas of the house!  You just never know!) I did everything I could to get this little manx gentle.  He finally  started to come out of his shell and he become this playful little kitten who loved to carry his favorite toys around with him.  He would fetch his favorite toys for what seemed like hours and it was pretty fun watching him grown up. 

I guess around 9 months or so when he was super duper gentle finally; 180 degrees totally different cat; I decided it would be time to teach him to walk on a leash.  I had done this with Toonce when he was young and he did walk on the leash pretty good for a couple of years until he got to be so fat and lazy.   Manx are one of the easiest breeds to train as they are very dog like.  They follow you around, they fetch, come when called,  loves to ride in the car and go shopping and of course  and then walking on a leash.

 

This little kitty had some giganto webbed feet and another characteristic about Manx are that they are drawn to water like a duck.   As a baby he was practically all legs and very clumsy looking.  He didn't mind getting baths at all in fact he would smack at the bubbles and purr as I shampooed him.  So he was very easy to bath and not like most cats.  He loved the water and still does!  Now he just talks to me as he is getting bathed.  Anyway here is a video of my next door neighbor's daughter bathing Blue Belle and Tonto at the same time!)


 

Anyway how did I teach this cat to walk on a leash? Both of my cats always wore a collar for ID purposes.  I decided to click a small leash on his collar to get him used to the leash.  Since he did follow me around the house; it  seemed it would be easy to teach him.  At first he thought the leash was this fun string toy and he would loose himself playing vigorously with that leash!  I thought he might accidentally choke himself so I had to watch him carefully when he started his crazy play games.    Well I got some kitty treats and I grabbed the leash for the very first time.  I called his name and had a treat ready for him.  He obliged and walked up to me as I tugged the leash gently to the side.  I told him what a good boy he was and gave him the treat.   That meant so much to him as I told him what a good boy he was  and praising him. 

Now I realized that teaching him to walk on the leash would involve gentle tugs to the side and not full on pulling him forward and of course some sweet encouragement.  He loves to be talked to and sometimes he talks right back.   Cats don't work that way if you tug them forward; I think it freaks them out!  You never tug a cat forward (at least I have never heard of cat that did?)

He was finally getting the hang of walking around with me as I guided him around the house with the leash; most of the time I just followed him as he explored with his leash on.  He became quite used to it.  I finally decided it was time to take him outside with the leash. We walked outside as he became quite excited to see the great outdoors.  He had to stop and smell all the flowers.  He liked walking on the side walk and it seemed he caught on to what the leash was all about and he seemed OK with it.   I think we must have hit a few snags as we continued our walk around the complex and each time a little Greenie and some encouragement did the trick each time.  He followed for a little while and then decided he wanted to lead the way and from then on it was all about his great walks outdoors.   

His big brother Toonces is now waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge used to walk good on the leash but he lost interest once we moved into our dream home.   While Toonces was still alive; he kept Tonto quiet most of the time because Tonto is known around here as the loudest cat on Earth!  He usually has so much to say but Old Toonce would not put up with Tonto's constant chattering and would often get on his back and dominate him much like dogs do to one another.  It was the strangest thing to see but it worked for those couple of years that Toonces was around. 

  

When Blue Belle arrived, both cats displayed lots of curiosity of her.  Toonces actually fell in love with her because she was so sweet to him  and she did everything she could to not get a beat down from him but none of them would ever sleep together like I've seen other cats and dogs do.   Blue Belle just hasn't been too crazy about Tonto because she knows he can be very dishonest and a bad, bad, bad boy for jumping up on counters and finishing up dishes  and it pisses her off that she can't dare reach to take over.  She knows that we don't want him on counters and he knows this too.  Sometimes she will bark and he knows that after she barks that he better get is ass of the counter before we catch him.  Sneaky little boy he is!  He just plays the sneaky game all the way.  When Toonces was around he was a better boy and  much more behaved.  Toonce would body slam him if he dared to be a bad boy.  So after we lost Toonce there was a significant change of attitude being the only cat.

Another thing Tonto does with his big feet (if we don't lock the doggie door after a rain, he likes to play in the puddles and then he brings in on my beautiful floor, big wet kitty prints and lots  of soggy leaves.  It's a nightmare to clean but just one the little quirks this big boy has!)  He has the best sense of humor!)

Tonto grieved for Toonces for at least 6 months and Blue Belle didn't seem to miss him at all.  She took on the roll of Alfa girl almost immediately.   She doesn't put up with Tonto's crap at all.  She does get jealous of him often but the two of them put up with each other pretty good.   Tonto gives her hugs and to her those are very annoying and she is always trying to lick his ass which drives him absolutely insane.  He hates that with a passion!   He makes the hideous sounds when she does that as if she bit a piece of his off.   Yes the two of them are great therapy for me and they make such a big difference in my quality of life.  

Hope you all enjoyed this post as much as I did in writing it!  Peace and Love to all of you!)

Well here is another gorgeous horse who needs a home or some hay; what ever we can do for him.  I love Appaloosas so I have this special place in heart for them.  When I was little we got this Gray Appaloosa and I couldn't say "Grey Appaloosa" so Graple is what came out and what a great name!) Anyway this one has blanket of spots and he is quite young; only a year old.    He was born July 17th, 2009.  He is 1/2 Thoroughbred, with a mix of Percheron, Shire, Appaloosa, and Paint.  He was actually born on the Animali Farm.  He is very friendly and amazingly beautiful.  His adoption fee with help other foals who were not a fortunate as he.  He did go to Monty Roberts Academy and he is halterbroke, you can pick up his feet and he will go into a trailer with out any problems.  His Adoption fee is $1800 and he will be a big boy once is all grown up!)   Oh and his name is Big Mac!)  If you are interested you may contact Jennifer Johns or Cheryl Forbes at Animali@aol.com or (805) 938-0174

End of Life Pain is more common....

I found this article on WebMD and so far it does make sense:
http://www.webmd.com/pain-management/news/20101101/end-of-life-pain-common?src=RSS_PUBLIC

I got my pain pump refilled on Tuesday  (on election day and the day after the San Francisco Giants win the World Series!)  I never thought I would live to see the day when my San Francisco Giants would win the World Series, now I just wish to see my Sharks win the Stanley Cup.  If I'm gone before then maybe they can do so in my memory?  That would be freaking awesome!  We will see!)

I also enjoyed watching the parade yesterday!  It was so amazing and would have been cool to go to but I know I would have been in hell in a crowd like that!  Wow!  I couldn't believe how many people were at this parade!  I'm so proud of the Giants!

Well back to my pain pump.  I have this drug already in my pain pumped;  Bivucane? well the danger that I face with this drug is that tiny crystals can form and cause blockages inside the wires that are hooked to my spine (I am totally not getting the terminology correct but hopefully I'm getting the idea correct!)  Anyway we are changing the concoction of drugs that are inside my pain pump. I was told it should take a couple of days for me to be able to tell a difference in the pain control? 

Pain is just something I am having to live with each day; it seems its always something whether it be my heartburn, my insides not feeling all together sewn, or my ass?  Something is always hurting inside me? At least I have many options to choose from for my pain including Cannabis; the most feared plant in all the world.  In some countries I would be executed for trying to relieve my pain and in some states I might even be put in jail but thankfully in CA; at least for now it is legal.

  At least I'm on Hospice now and not later; I could  actually die any day now and its weird feeling OK about not being around for the next election.  (I don't think I could handle the stress of having a really out of touch and not so intelligent president like Sara Palin = no way, no how!)  That would be too stressful for me to even consider handling?  It was bad enough when we had that chimpanzee.

I also don't think I want any part of the government controlling everything about me including what I choose to use for pain control.  The people that make these kinds of decisions for others have never walked a day in my shoes and they certainly do not know what is best for me or even what really works for me.   I have faught for eight long years for what should have been only 2 years.  I'm alive still because of cannabis and I could be alive many more years?  Maybe that's a problem?   Perhaps this is why the government is not up to speed on what cannabis can do for patients including giving them more time  to be with their families; is this not right?  Do we actually have population control?  I often wonder why we haven't been studying curing cancer with cannabis?  Many have been cured this way and I would love to be cured of cancer!  I would love to live longer but I'm feeling more and more OK with dying as I see how Greedy America is starting to appear?  How can people be so cold and uncaring for others who really are sick?

I have never felt like I was danger to others or myself after smoking a joint or using my vaporizer?  There isn't an oz. of meanness in me at all; I just want to know why the government and those politicians continue to lie and tell me that's its a gateway drug when 91% of addicts consider cigarettes their gateway drug?  OK enough of me probably not making any sense of this election.  I will never understand why people have a problem with investing in our future or our country when they didn't bat an eye when our last president and VP wasted billions and billions of our tax dollars away on fighting a country that never attacked us, and of course Halliburten which blew up good equipment and vehicles during this war just to make more money ripping us off and selling the military more vehicles and equipment at inflated prices?  Did anyone know that we are  now out of Iraq?  He did keep his promise and he got us out of there!)  I'm freaking happy about that?)

There was so much corruption during that last Presidency and all this current president is trying to do is fix our country and economy; believe it or not it does take lots of money to fix and he should be able to just that? Right?  He's not trying to break it like the last one.  Did everyone just forget what had happened?  I sure didn't.  I have chemo brain but it sure the hell isn't that bad!  Why can't we have health care and education for our future?  Health care should a right and not a privilege.

I do have some things to be happy about in this election; prop. 23 didn't pass and the lesser of two evils for governor won and then we are sending Boxer back but it would be better if we had more representation of who we really voted for; I voted Green Party for most.  I don't trust either of these parties because they have sold their souls as far as I'm concerned.   They seem to be so out of touch that it's ridiculous.   Many on the far right (Conservatives) don't wish for us to have a middle class because they feel its bad for our economy; it should only be extremely poor or super duper rich? Now those 1% wealthy CAN afford to pay their share of taxes just like my husband and I.   What they end up doing with that money is spending it overseas and not investing in our country.  We need that money so that we can fix our country so that it can be as wonderful as it once was.  What are we supposed to do? Sit around and wait for it to be fixed or use intelligence and common sense to fix it? OK enough with my venting.  I still have plenty to be thankful for; including still being alive.  I just can't help but be puzzled as to why we can't fix our country right now?

Now the update on me.  I still have not lost my appetite just yet and we just decreased my TPN input to 10 hours (1250ml); I have no idea how many calories I will get for the full day; I just hope its enough and that I don't loose any more weight.  I am up 105lbs.  I'm doing a really strange thing of trying to eat.  I do realize I may not have much time left here so I'm pigging out on food that I love, then I puke it up or suck it up with my R2 and I'm drinking gallons and gallons of water.  I just get so thirsty that I just can't help it and I have the worst craving for pickles?  I can sit there and eat a whole jar and then the puking starts.  Its horrible puking but at least good old R2 helps much in sucking out my gut!)  The heartburn is the worst pain ever!  But I still get the cravings?  Not sure why this is happening?  I'm just this walking medical experiment that just keeps on going?  Many would have given up years ago but my bull headedness just won't allow me too!

I'm also puzzled that I'm on these heavy duty drugs that would kill a regular person and I have no idea why it hasn't done that to me yet?  I just keep on living and surviving what should be impossible?  Hospice Care has been wonderful so far and I feel it's helping me and because of it I'm not suffering as bad as I was.  I do love my new nurse and she checks on me every day to make sure I'm OK.  We also met with a Chaplain which was incredibly helpful.  I'm not religious in any way; I do believe in the power of prayer and good energy. I just happen to worship my husband and can't help it.  He continues to amaze me with his love and dedication to keeping me alive.  We do that TPN ritual every day and he so supportive and amazing!) I just  love him to pieces!  I do know that I'm going somewhere and what ever happens will happen; I know it's going to be a good place.  It sucks that I'm so young and having to deal with this.

I hope soon there will be enough awareness of this disease and that more women will catch it early rather than later as it is often misdiagnosed.    I can't believe that for 2 years my doctor had done just that "your cervix is tilted?"  So it was tilted because it had a big ass tumor in there that was tilting it?  What's done is done and I fault hard and am still fighting hard; more than likely I'm going to be fighting till the very end.  The love in my heart is my strength.

Peace and Love to all you!  My sincere apologies if my rant offended anyone!