Still Can't believe I am at home!

It's been so incredibly wonderful to start my healing journey at home. I have slept soundly in my own bed for 2 nights in a row. It has also been hard for my honey to not hug all over me as we slept next to each other because I have to be super duper careful with these extra tubes hanging on my body. I did feel his arm go around me once last night and I squealed and he immediately stopped and put his arm back where it was. I'm so proud of my honey, he has done wonderful except farting in the bed. We both have and have laughed which I still have to watch. My poor honey can't make me laugh too much now; isn't that a bitch? I live to laugh with my honey!)

Anyway back to those dangers of my insides which even feel as if they could also be easily be pulled on and my tummy pulled apart with a laugh or even a cough. I have to sleep on my back which is next to impossible for me; but in my very own bed with the man I love; much easier and possible. I mostly do love to sleep on my tummy but it's not comfortable at all these days.

Those stupid tubes still pull and pinch when they have the opportunity to do so and I so hate it. Can't wait to get them removed next Wednesday, April 8th at 3:30pm. What a day that will be and the following day too once they are out and I get to move around much better.

I have specific instructions on cleaning my dressing where my tubes are and showering. I also have to empty out the grenade from JP which I will do sometime tomorrow evening. There just isn't enough in there to even empty and this is very good news. This mean that the infections in my tummy may now be gone since nothing is coming out. I will try to empty tomorrow night or the night after but it's not enough to empty tonight which I had planned. It's been since Tuesday night when I first emptied it and changed the dressing with the help of my honey.

My honey helped me shower by standing just outside the shower holding onto my JP while I am in the shower so that I can wash my hair and body. His arms stays solid in the shower with me holding my JP as I comfortably wash my hair and body. He even turns the water on for me since I can't reach for anything because of my right arm being so sore from the pick line. I can't really lift this arm high or reach for anything just yet; still healing there too.

I suppose the pain in my arm may be lasting. That's because the pickline went from the main artery in my upper arm to the main artery to my heart in order to feed me and deliver medicine and pains meds to me while I was in the hospital. What a trippy thing that is. The wire or so it looks like bends over at a strange angle into my arm and when it is pulled out it is long! That dressing needed to be changed once a week and now I don't even have a bandade on it!) I would have photographed it but I already feeel that I have left plenty for your imagination and that was just another weird thing to deal with. My honey got to watch them insert that thing in my arm as they used an ultra sound machine to help guide it into the main vein going into my heart. I was pretty drugged up when that happened which was also a good thing.

I weighed myself today just to see how much more weight I may need to gain or have gain; only to my disappointment only 118lbs today. I'm 5-6 and look much better when I weigh in at at least 135 - 140. I like having curves and it's much healthier for me to do so. Must have meat on my bones!)

I started off with a huge high calorie shake, then an Ensure, and then the diahreah started. My stomach just kind of gurgled and the pipes sounded so very similiar to the ones in the movie I watched last night (Night in Rodanthm). Yes, I watched a girlie movie last night and it was good, 3 and half stars from me. I won't ruin it for anyone but the hotel in the movie is amazing and dreamy. How awesome to stay in a hotel with my honey there!) Beautiful inn on a beach on the Atlantic Ocean in NC. Very relaxing movie to watch and a tear jerker which I wasn't at all expecting.

OK, I already know it (need more food with substance) but in all honesty, I haven't been to the store in 2 and half weeks so lots of food had to be thrown out. I need protein more than anything right now and my doctor stressed this and I am listening. I just don't have any more substance.

My poor bottom has burned most of the day from all of the diarrhea I have had but thanks to having 3 sitz baths which most certainly helped. I just don't have any real food with substance right now (no time for shopping). Grocery shopping for me tomorrow; I just have to create a list tomorrow and my honey will go for me. What would I like to eat?

I still have to avoid all sickness (which is why my honey doesn't want me in public places just yet) and it wouldn't do me a lick of good to get a cold and start coughing my insides out, rip a stitch or ten: all I have currently are these little pieces of tape holding me together and the scar tissue which has since formed since the staples were removed.

Once these tubes are out of me; I can tell I will much more freedom because I can tell that my wound is now healing nicely. No redness except where the stupid JP needs to be removed. It still burns where the incision site remains and my tummy hurts as if I just did 5000 sit-ups. I get to be lazy today and try to heal and can even be lazy in the days to come!) It's my time to be taken care of. We all get this in our lifetimes and then we get to take care of someone else we love; that's how it works.

Home sweet home!

Well I made it through my last night having to take a sleeping pill because of all the anxiety of wanting to come home. There is no way I was sleeping on my own. I talked on phone past midnight with my honey as we often do.

No fevers, no elevation in white counts but I still have to take care of that JP Tube and the GI tube which makes that swish noise when ever I happen to get up. I got the Pick line pulled out which is a line that I had to use for intravenous feeding and much, much more. Even blood draws, it had quit working earlier but started again mysteriously just yesterday. It was a miracle! Espy a very good nurse had made it work again. I had so many great nurses to thank for my recovery; Rosa, Sylvia, Adonis, Oliver, Avita, June, and so many others I can't remember all of their names. They loved me and I love them!)

I now walking around my own home with a cane because my tummy is still so very sore from having all of those staples taken out and from having these tubes hanging of me; the stitches do pull on my skin quite a bit. It's pretty trippy.

I'm so very happy to finally be at home and my pets can't even believe I am finally back home after 2 weeks and 2 and half days! I got to eat Sushi (take out) Yes, I can eat what ever I like but I will keep simple and sweet. Miso soup galore and simple rice with seaweed, salmon, and some tuna. YUM!!!! My eyes were so much bigger than my tiny little tummy. I couldn't even eat half of what I had ordered; just a few pieces but all of the miso soup. For dinner, I just made myself a simple protein shake with plenty of calories to hopefully put some meat on bones.

My honey went to watch another hockey game and so deserved it. He helped me in so many ways; cleaned the house, did laundry, cleaned my kitchen, vacuumed, and waited on me hand and foot. I'm hobbling around with a cane and having a hard time with these tubes. They are very painful and hard to take to take care of so far.

My bottom is finally working. Passing gas and pooing is a gem! I just can't get over that my body is finally working. I'm so happy I didn't have to get a bag and we were able to save my intestine. It's fixed for now; I just have to have to watch my tummy very carefully. There is a bump right at my belly button that we are watching.

Now the recovery and I'm so happy to finally sleep in my own bed!) Thanks so much for all the prayers and good thoughts! It's working and I got to go home and still can't believe it. Neither can my pets. Tonto has been following me around everywhere. I go upstairs, he's right there. So is Blue Belle; they are both watching over me.

UPDATE: I almost forgot, I downloaded my photos from my D80 and they are now posted with a little description of each dog in the post labeled "More Pet Therapy For me Please". Hope you enjoy!

Staples removed + 1 JP!

Well, the 1 JP and all 38 staples have been removed. I even took a photo of the 2 remaining tubes which go into my belly.

I swear to GOD that when every I get up, I hear this whish of air which I think might be coming from of these very openings. I think it must be the gastic (large) tube that's make swishing noise. Trippy huh?

If you look closely at this photo you can actually spot tiny little stitches on the 2nd tube further down and this is the 2nd JP which actually leads straight inside my stomach; actually both of these tubes go right into my stomach. I have to get these removed in about a week inside the doctors office and in case I go home tomorrow; I will be showed how to take care of these. I can take showers; just short and some water can get onto my huge wound. I just have to dab it dry; so everything will be OK.

I am being monitored overnight because of a small happening right on my belly just below my belly button. See you can actually spot that yes, my staples were just being removed right there. There was maybe 18 more to remove.

I was such a chicken monkey; my honey was there holding my hand while I listened to my iPod full strength as my staples were removed. The tube was the absolute worst. The one on my right was removed (photo down below with the juice in it). It literally felt as if an intestine were pulled through a hole in my tummy. OMG! It hurt like a Bitch!!!!( It sucked so bad but it's over and now the rest will be next week.

I think the big one will be hard but I'm not wasting any more energy worrying about pain, but instead seeing my pets in my home with my loving darling husband. How I love them all! And of course updating all of you as I send my love to all of you! Here's to more of my healing journey! Love and hugs to all!!!)

Not another night!(

Well, I am one step closer to going home. Just to warn you I do some very graphic photos which will continue to label this blog as Adult and only caring eyes shall see. I am posting these graphics in hopes that you will look within yourself and be thankful for what you do have.

Please don't me wrong, I'm still so very grateful to bealive, to be able walk around; even though I haven't left this place; I'm still, very, very grateful.

I have a very hot husband who I am so honored to be a part of his life and to be married to him. It's doesn't seem like 6 and half years yet for we still feel like newlyweds.

This photo here is of my stomach with the staples. See the staples are due to come out later on today and I hope to get a photo of them taking them out as well. Should be very interesting indeed. Now these little JP tubes thinky's - only 1 of 2 will be coming out today along with the staples and I'm kinda bummed that it doesn't come out and I may have to deal with it at home. You can actually see the hole where the other 3rd JP once was was. Pretty eerie huh?

This particular JP will get to come out today even though there is some fluids still coming; this clear fluid is OK. The other one we are worried that this lymph fluid which is kind of milky is coming out of the other one and we have to watch it carefly.

These JP things so got on my nerves in the worst way. I miss my underwear so much and having to wear these stupid gowns. I have to tape them shut to go out for a walk. I forgot last night to take the tape off and all of a sudden I felt a horrid pinch on my pubes and dog gone it I have a JP just situtated right there on it and then a piece of tape just stuch there on my pubes and JP tube. How freaking annoying is that? I go to reach to pull that stupid JP on my crotch and it is taped there. It's like god played a trick on me! I had to carefully pull the tape out and it was mangled in my crotch /pubes and on the stupid (one that's staying). I can laugh about this now but at the moment it seriously pissed me off. I hope you are too!)

Anyway tomorrow is my new tenative date for going home; sleeping in my own bed, finally seeing Tonto who I hear really, really, really misses me. He's been crying himself to sleep at night and really cries when my honey is on the phone with me!) So lots of prayers that I get better and hopefully go home tomorrow! Hopefully just this last night in this aweful hospital bed!)

Me Depressed and Homesick in the Hospital?

Yes, it all hit me like a ton of bricks just the other morning when I was up crying in the middle of the night. I was wishing I could just go home and end of all of this torture. I'm so incredibly over getting stuck, poked, prodded, jerked on, tubes and stitches pulled on by nurses and doctors unaware that this might just hurt me. Please ask me before just grabbing at my abdomen; is that just too much?; not to mention grabbing at things at my abdomen and yanking on my poor bush! Yes I said it; my pubic hairs have been going through total hell when those sticky rubber things land on them and then they are jerked out and around. How completely hellish is that?

I addition, I was also getting stuck in the fingers 6 times a day at all hours of the night and day to check to make sure that my sugar level (diabetic test) did not go above 150 and in all it wasn't even getting above 100 and sometimes it got up to 121 in the beginning; whooo hooo! But now it barely even gets above 100-110. Let's just poke me with another shot just to see how pissed Jayne can get!

To tell you the truth I couldn't type for a few days because of the pain of getting stuck everyday, 6 times a day. I bitched and complained and now we are settled at twice a day (10 am and 10pm), oh and those aweful blood tests. The pick line that feeds me; they were able to use that for a few days and now it will not even allow for any blood to go through and my poor left arm has been suffering those consequences.

Now the only vein left in my left arm is on my wrist which feels exactly like they are poking a bone and then trying to squeeze out blood which barely trickles out. They could barely fill up 2 viles. It's so freaking painful and to have to fill up those same 2 viles every single day no mattter how painful.

I cried and cried and cried yesterday and I finallytold my doctor; is this ever going to end? Am I just a test to experiment with or are we trying to get me better? I was feeeling so much depression and homesick like I've never been.

Well now we are getting in to more hope. I lost the Foley catheter just 2 days ago, one of the 3 JP finally had to be pulled out, the other two are still emitting stuff but not much. One may get to go soon. I am being feed through another tube in my stomach and we have been trying suppositories to get my gas out and I farted a few times today! Yippee! They were the tiniest of the tiny farts; but at least some painful gas came out. I am getting out and walking and even dancing in my room a little bit.

I also forgot to mention that I'm extremely sensitive to smells and this one nurse; I just know that used this hair gel that really made me start hyperventilating and dry heaving. I was crying and at first I didn't want to tell her to please leave the room and let my room air out. I finally did tell her (only becuase I just couldn't hack it anymore) and she was completely appalled and pissed at me but I just couldn't help it.

She blamed my guests and my flowers but it wasn't at all true; it was her. I've been in points where I doused myself with stinky perfume and didn't get offended when a stranger told me it was too strong. You would think she would understand, but it was just like she wasn't listening to me at all. She kept coming in my room and reaking it up and making me sick. I think I'm not that completely dumb and I wouldn't blame anyone for anything I didn't believe were true. How come honesty can get you into to so much trouble?

Every time she came into the room I got sick and now I just hold me breath and breath through my mouth no matter how thirsty I am. It takes a few minutes for smell to linger away. How I wished I didn't loose that one nurses number so that I could request not to get her; she was a good nurse but she reaked.

I have had some great guests, lots of beautiful flowers, and great phone calls from friends and family and of course my honey and Blue Belle. I hope to go home in a few days (hours would be better!) Well this weekend I will be sure to request that she not return to my room when she comes back on Monday. I'm on my road to recovery and I could go home as soon as Monday or Tuesday!)

More Pet Therapy for me Please!

This little girl has made such a tremendous difference to my spirits in being in the hospital. This little moments spent petting her last a while. I can smile for hours just thinking about it. She sure brightened my spirits.

My honey has brought her in a few times; doctor's orders. Her little smile even brings cheer to the nurses and doctors which can alleviate quite a bit of stress for them as they loose themselves in her soft delicate fur. Oh she is worth ever lint roller we own; nothing compares to what she does for both me and my husband.

Anyway, I have also gotten some other furry visitors here in the hospital. I had a huge lab visit yesterday who started vacuuming my floor of paper and little plastics from the various medications I have been given. The owners were able to retrieve a few of those items but it's so funny how labs can eat everything in site.

I have had 3 other dogs visits just a few days ago as well; Dante, Boston, and Leo. They were all so mellow and were nice when instructed to jump up onto the chair next to my bed so that I could pet them. I took photos of all the dogs; only they are on my D80 and not my iPhone. I have nothing here to download them.

Be sure to look for them in the coming days as I plan to add those photos to this very post. Yes, I do edit posts many times; especially when I see mistakes or if there are updates to what I had posted.

As for my health here; I am slowing making progress each day; walking the halls; doing my laps; everything that I can to get stronger and to get the hell out of here. Yesterday, I was walking and walking into the very worst old lady perfume I have ever smelled and I almost started dry heaving with my staples; whewwww I got through that but I have noticed being very sensitive to smells in here and my stomach turning; remember the farty nurse?

Here with me is Dante. Now Dante has visited so many children in the past and he is a legend. I have heard many who have told me of their visits with Dante. He is a gem. My next door neighbor Amanda was even visited by this very dog when she was going through her brain cancer treatments. In August she will be a 10 year survivor. Now if that doesn't give anyone hope and faith; I don't know what else will.

My face has been also been breaking out so horribly from lack of sleep and of course all of these antibiotics and drugs. It's even worse than my teenage years!

One of the strains in my JP is resistant to the antibiotics so a disease expert will be called to examine my case. I may also get to start eating on Friday and the earliest I may get to go home would be Wednesday (next week). A whole other week!!!!!!! I'm staying strong and looking so forward to sleeping in my own bed!

This dog is a retired seeing eye dog which the volunteer who brought him over and his name is Boston Armstrong. I was amazed this dog worked excellent for his wife who is legally blind. She now has another seeing eye dog. My husband's sister; actually my sister in law works for Guide Dogs for the Blind in Portland Oregon. I'm so proud of her and she is a completely amazing woman. How I love her so!

My honey has been bringing me Netflix and it's nice to watch movies with him. We just watched "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" which was much better than I expected. Very cute movie with Drew Barrymore as the voice of Chloe. It was great to just get away into a fantasy land of cute dogs.


I do appreciate all of your support and prayers most of all as it does mean a lot to me. Many of you wonder what does CJ stand for? Well my full name is name "Charlotte Jayne". I got so much hell in school for my first name Charlotte that I decided to go by Jayne when I moved out here to California. I hated my first name for so many years and I think I still do. It was the hell I went through that caused me to hate my name. Kids can be so needlessly mean and I always thought that I would have the opportunity to make sure my kids were nice to others. At least I can influence everyone else to be nice to each other. Peace and Love!)

Well now I go by "Jayne" my middle now and how appropriate for sweet, sweet Jayne as my honey calls me all the time and even refers to me that way. A new life for me and life is good despite this hell called Cancer.

Now this dog is Leo. He is a lab and very gentle. See I told you I would include all doggies who visited me in the hospital.

I will get to spend many more seasons out in the snow! This surgery was a success and we are getting through some major hurdles and I do have faith, many friendships, and miracles.

Infection in my JP? & another Blood Transfusion..

I had a better night on Friday night/Saturday morning with the pain and the Epidural being taken out really made a difference. I was still getting some back spasms but it was nothing like having that Epidural; my pain level is now maintained at around 6-7 and yes getting used to the pain.

My doctor was concerned about some infection coming out of my bowel from one of the JPs (a brownish goo was coming out of one of the suction thingys) so we doubled up on the antibiotics and then turned back on the feeding tube.

I did everything I could (Doctor's orders) to get better. I used this Triflow Device of which there is absolutely nothing at all on the internet about this device so I will explain it.

This Triflow device is supposed to help strengthen my lungs after after having this major, major surgery and preventing my lungs from callapsing.

I am to use it 10 x's a day and to keep the breath even. You suck in air and try to keep little yellow plastic thingy in the Happy Face area. My honey had me doing it all wrong in the beginning and was even cracking whips to get me to do this every 5 minutes = 10 breaths. He felt so bad when he found out this wasn't so. I wasn't really showed how to do this thing but I figured it out on my own and therefore feel that I am getting stronger.

On Saturday, I had the most wonderful sweet nurses ever; can't ever remember their names!( She was amazingly supportive and at 7am I tried my best to get up for a walk. I didn't understand it, but I did a tiny little block lap (maybe 20ft) and I was exhausted. I had no energy and completely out of breath.

Then the old OBGYN doctor arrived shortly after to check on me. Now a couple of years ago, I had an anxiety attack before when he had arrived as guest speaker to my Cancer support group. Most of us were all new to the treatments and diagnosis just wanted to have faith and hope to beat this disease and he basically got in front of the room and practically spit on all of us. He basically told all of us that we would all die in just a few short years from this disease and spoke of all the unsuccess stories of curing this disease. I was appalled at how negative he was and still is. Back then I was hyperventilating and crying when I got home from my meeting and I never went back to another meeting ever again.

Anyway, this same old doctor came into my room and didn't recognize me right away until I told him I was a 6 year survivor and who I was. He remembered me and I am so incredibly thankful that he has never worked on me and that he was never my doctor. My ashes would already be spread on Homewood Mountain years ago if he was. I'm so grateful that he isn't. He really does have the most horrible bedside manner of any doctor I have ever met. He had this air about him when he came to see me and it was superior and not in any words did he did say but it was his reactions as if I were on my death bed but it just appeared that way.

I told him my surgery was great and he interrupted me to tell me that I had a bowel infection and something else, but once he left the room; I started panicking and crying and couldn't get a breath in. I pushed my call button and the nice nurse along with another one came in and comforted me, giving me oxygen and then an Ativan to calm me down. They both just held me in their arms and comforted me until I calmed down.

I did try to walk around again after that anxiety attack and then I napped for a couple of hours. I also felt as if I had coughed up a few fetuses which really freaked me out. The nurse reminded me that this was indeed from the surgery and the tubes that had been inserted down my throat.

Another nurse came in to check my vitals and they realized that I was incredibly anemic and in serious need of another blood transfusion. I got the blood transfusion all night long on Saturday and of course suffering from horrible insomnia I got in all about 4 hours of sleep. The doctor did not wish to give me any ativan for sleeping because of my hallucinations. They weren't scary at all; just fun!

The infections seems to be clearing up but I am still getting low grade fevers at night. It frightened me that it had climbed to 100.8 but since the JPs are starting look clearer and bowel sounds are getting better. I am just starting to be able to burp but passing gas has not happened yet. Oh how I wished I could fart!!!)

Check out my bag of milk which I am getting nutrition intravenously (no pressure on my intestines). Also this morning I got extremely pissed at my nurse for just giving me a burning shot right in my tummy. We have been reserving my legs for this Anti-coagulant (twice per day) those tend to have the most fat for my body. My poor tummy and I shrieked in pain and in shock that she would do such a thing. Everyday that I have been in the hospital and having to get these shots, we had been doing them in my bony arms but they are all bruised and in pain so the legs are a must. I got not warning at all and I stayed mad at her all morning long and finally I called her in and told her that is no way to treat a patient such as me. I have been opened up 5 times, I'm drinking food intravenously, because my intestines just happen to be where she shot me. I accepted her apology and I feel she had to had to have learned a valuable lesson.

Yes, determined to get out of here and begin that new lease on life. OK, yes, I have had quite a few of those; but in all just very grateful to be alive.

I will update in a few days as I plan to get better with each passing day! My honey and my pets wish for me to be home taking care of them and I wish to be as well!)

The Head Aches of an Epidural....

I was introduced to it like it was ice cream and the old way PCA (Patient Control Analgesia) was so outdated and barely worked as well. The Epidural worked OK the first day but by the second day I got the worst back pain ever on my left side; almost paralyzing and it even took my breath away. I couldn't breath and it was excellent that I was on oxygen.

The day after my surgery went went well except for one thing that could have offered cause for the amount of pain that I had been receiving all week. During the day there were several very, very busy nurses and at lunchtime it had appeared that all had gone to lunch at the very same time. I couldn't move around as much as I wanted to because of these 38 new staples and of course all these tubes sticking out of me and pinching me if they happened to not be controlled. One nurse had come in to check my vitals and had placed me in the chair next to my bed as she changed my bedding. She went into the bathroom to get something and then walked out of the room and told me that she would be right back back.

I was still very drugged up from to surgery and everything but needed some help to get back to my bed. I had this table that I wanted to move to the other side of my bed and I could not approach my bed from the side that I was on because of all wires sticking out of feet and in all I was tangled up. I pushed the nurse button and announced that I needed some help to get to get back to my bed and that there were too many wires in the way. I waited another 10 minutes and had even struggled trying to push the heavy table out of the way so that I could get back into bed. I push the nurses button again and this time I could barely reach it for being tangled and getting that table much further but it was stuck. I told the call nurse to please send someone to help me and she told me that she would. I was indeed very tired and just wished to lie down in my bed. I struggled to hold myself up until the nurse arrived for another 5 minutes or so and finally I awoke with my husband over me scared to death. I must have passed out or fainted because I had ripped the IV clear off my arm. My honey was very pissed and I was very disappointed that my calls for help were simply ignored. My honey feels I could have hurt myself this way instead of the Epidural.

On Tuesday night just after shift change 11pm, that intense back pain returned with out any vengeance for me at all; I cried agonizingly and could not get my breath. It took about 15 minutes of misery to finally get some pain relief. I looked into the eyes of each of those nurses and begged them to please watch the time; particularly at night (it was every 2 hours for the morphine) to be on top of it and to bring me pain medication and not wait until this to happen; to be awakened in extreme pain. Another serious problem I have been having is passing gas and in all my other surgeries; it would always takes sometimes up to a week to pass gas and it's worrisome for me most of the time after a surgery. I almost feel as if my butthole just completely closes because nothing comes out until after that first enema (which is usually days and days later)

One nurse really took to heart what I had said to her for she was on it with my pain meds; I didn't have to worry a bit about this happening again. She even worked on Wednesday night of which my honey spent the night (he spent several nights when he could) and I superbly impressed with her abilities. She really took it serious watching over me which is what a nurse is all about; caring and nurturing for patients.

On Thursday the epidural pain just got worse and I wanted it out in the worst way; also there was appearing to be a waste colored residue coming out of one of my 3 JPs; it was even filling up faster than than the other two. My doctor immediately started me on some more antibiotics and warned me of the possibility of another surgery.

On Thursday night after the night shift shift change I was disappointed that my dedicated nurse was not working. Instead another woman of Chinese descent, very short, with shoulder length unkempt hair; (she looked as if she had just gotten up out of bed and just arrived) her hair was not at all brushed and didn't really look much cleaner than mine (mine had last been washed on Friday) and her skin was very, very oily. I usually like to pay attention to how others pay attention or take pride in themselves and it even shows a respect for others. Maybe not all of us feel this way but while I am in the hospital it seems to just go out the window.

This particular nurse was very quiet spoken and mostly just did what she needed to get by or at least that's how I viewed her. She was kind of rough an inhumane while checking my vitals. For me, I take nurses very seriously. I depend on their care for me and I really do appreciate it; I want to me more than just a medical record number. Anyone who is there to take care of the sick inspires me and I love it if they are there to take care of me when I need it most and I needed it most.

My best friend Nikki had even arrived late in the evening to take care of me and to give my honey a much needed break. . Right when I started to feel pain I asked for relief just to see who would be in charge of handling the relief. This disheveled nurse had arrived at 12pm to give me my 2 hour dose of morphine. She also checked my vitals and also farted all over my room and it was so incredibly stinky and nauseating. I asked "did you just fart in my room?" I asked her point blank because I knew I was completely blocked still (and still am) and of course she denied it and said no. My friend Nikki denied it too and I just let the blame lay on me because the poor girl was already embarrassed.

I finally got to sleep at 1am and by 2:30am I was paralyzed in the worst pain I have ever experienced. Just when I think I have experienced the worst pain; pain can get worse? I couldn't breath and this was indeed a 12 going on 13. I cried and hyperventilated as I called for help. My friend Nikki held my hand and stayed with me until the slob nurse and another nice nurse arrived to help me. I kept thinking "why isn't this other nurse my nurse?". She was very comforting and the slob nurse had arrived with food all over face to give me my medicine. I asked her why she wasn't better prepared and fumbled that all patients must request medicine and I told her that I already did when I told her I didn't want to wake up in the middle of the night like this feeling as if I were about to die. She then told me not to tell her how to do her job; being a little shocked at her response I told her "I'm asking that you please do your job better". I knew then I didn't want her to be my nurse ever and even told the head nurse the next morning to please not let her be my nurse again.

I didn't let it get to me; her immaturity but I hope she grows more as a person and doesn't treat another patient as she had treated me. Some people are lazy in life and they just let it go by them; and you really have to cease moments and grow from them. Don't fight criticism; learn and grow from it. I feel stronger every time I survive what seems impossible. Sure I still got some laughs over her stinking up my room and then blaming me but I couldn't help but tell my mom and family about this.

I thought this was a very interesting photo when I first took it and yes, I will be torturing many of you with disturbing images such as this. Another reason this is an adult only blog. It will be very interesting to see what my belly button will look like once this is all healing.



Today we did get to remove that stupid epidural and it feels so much better to be able to just push a button when I feel pain coming on. As of now, I am still blocked from all of these painkillers and am still unable to pass gas. I got to do an enema and that felt so great to release some of that pressure; I also got a blood transfusion and we are currently watching one of the other JP tubes or contraptions because bowel mixture seemed to be coming out. It's still a time bomb but I'm doing my best and following doctor's orders in hopes I won't need another surgery. More waiting and almost seeming like walking on Pins and needles. I still have hope despite all this and most of all I more prayers are needed!)