Grateful for more years spent with my love ones....

My apologies for taking so long to write another post and to be quite honest; I've just been resting a whole lot more lately.  My body is starting to get weaker and I've lost some more weight; now I am weighing in at 85.5 and my weight  still appears to be heading downward.   I'm bummed a little but I'm still happy as can be to still be alive thanks to my sweet honey. 

My brother is still trying to get a ticket to come out to see me again but he did manage to get himself an amazing  new cruiser bike to ride around in his neighborhood.  Hopefully he will one day be able to get another dog that can keep up with him; like a border collie or a sheltie, or what ever dog he can bond with at the local shelter?    I'm so happy for him that he is doing what makes him happy (grooming dogs) and we sure did have a great time when he visited last!   I'm so looking forward to another visit and more bike rides together around my neighborhood.   Miss Blue Belle still looks like a princess despite her little ear injury.   I do know that she loves her uncle Bill and she still misses her beloved Grandpa.

Despite all this, my poor sweetie has so much to do each and every day to ensure my survival for right now.  I do want to live and I have that will to but I do also know what my reality is in fighting this deadly disease which has taken so much out of me.    He has flush my picc line many times per day and he is very good at giveing me my daily 3 doses of Zofran each day which takes over 5 minutes.  He's very aware of this and takes notice when I start gagging and vomiting.  Zofran is just another thing in my daily activities that is used to help with this horrid nausea I suffer from each day.  He really does so much to help me each day; till death do we part!)  We don't always get what we want in life.  I'm still content with my sweet honey and my animals!  They make me happy every day no matter what is going on with my sick and tired body. 

Well one of the side effects of sitting around weak and disheveled is that I  tend to watch  way too much Cable Television and sometimes too much internet.    I'm still always shocked by headlines in the news of what others are doing that are selfless acts for others; too bad you don't see so much compassion unless you really dig for truth.  I love finding new blogs that expose those truths and put me in a good mood!)  I get quite a bit of it here; right on my blog; along with lots of love!)  

I watched Dr. Phil again last night?  Sometimes it bothers me but he does touch on issues that are important to many of us.   He was focused on a very good subject;  dealing with teenagers who are unable to communicate effectively with their parents.    Damn, I wish he had been around when I was a kid.  Yeah I had issues as a kid as so many do!  I was lied to by my own government about Cannabis being able to kill you when in fact there is not 1 documented death from cannabis; ever.  Well anyway I didn't try it until I was 18 years old with own my mother.  I was scared of it when I tried it for the 1st times ever. I thought my brains were going to turn into fried eggs?  "This is brain on drugs?"   That commercial worked liked crazy in my day!

Some kids have it much better off but there are unfortunately still plenty of shitty parents out there who care only about them selves and not their families; just gaining more material possessions and debt.  There are so many parents who don't teach their kids about the real world  (they shelter them from everything and expect laws to change for those out there and that they do have to work hard to make it out in the real world!  How are kids supposed to know how to treat the opposite sex when they don't rightly know how to be in a relationship?   There are so many things that I wish my mother would have told me about that would have saved me many crappy dates with boys or getting into trouble with boys!  I could have masturbated instead and saved myself the trouble!   Why don't parents teach their daughters about masturbation instead?   Masturbate when you are younger and avoid those annoying boy problems until you graduate and get your life together.  I don't even think Dr. Phil even recommends that as a topic of discussion but I think it should be.  My apologies if my blog has all of a sudden made you feel very uncomfortable but that's life and reality!)

I'm so happy that I have the most wonderful husband ever and I keep feeling sometimes that he doesn't deserve to live this hell of cancer but he insists he loves me no matter what.  I see myself deteriorating each day I'm alive and he just sees my loving soul through and through  and all that we gone through.   We have had so much fun together over the last 13 years of knowing each other!  My husband is a prime example of what a real man stands for.  I'm so thankful to have married my very best friend in world and I'm so incredibly happy for that decision every moment of my life. 

Well as for my health; I'm still trying to combat the massive amounts of pain I suffer from each day.  I have to take 3 3ml doses of Methadone per day and along with that my honey also gives me an injection of Zofran for nausea (I have my phone alarm when its time to do all that!) and the Methadone is the absolute nastiest shit I have ever taken!)  First off it is liquid form, placed under the tongue (orally).    We all know that Heroin Addicts take this drug in order to get them selves off of smack.  The taste is so incredibly horrid! Ewwwwww! Ewwwww! Ewwwwww!   It makes my mouth feel as though I just placed a very bitter cleaning compound under my tongue but I keep it below my tongue  for at least 10 minutes while my body absorbs the compound for pain.   I dread the very taste of it each and every time; I talk really funny as I'm doing this little waiting game.   Then it's time for the pickles!)

  

  I have also found that my favorite Whole Food's Pickles work excellent for getting rid of the horrid  nasty taste of the  Methadone and the Dilaudid which is extremely sugary and sweet?.  I can down an entire jar of pickles in just 1 day; that's like my favorite food right now?  Oh GOD do I love pickles!  Not the kind you get in a regular grocery store but a generic brand at Whole Foods "365 Organic Kosher Spears".   Then I have to drink "Key Lime" soda mixed with water and ice to rid my tummy of the burning feeling that I get going up my chest after I puke up the pickles?(.   Ok I drink this soda so that it can make my puke taste better when it comes back up?  Yeah that's pretty crazy, huh?    I still try to eat food when I get my munchies (Medicinal Cannabis = heartburn, nausea, insomnia)    I suffer from a very intense amount of nausea and cancer related pain which I'm positive most would not want to continue on; I think many would be ready to go at this point but I'm just not ready just yet.  

   I hate that I have so many pains that I have to be on top of.  When I'm not in control of the pain; it can be pretty miserable.  I'm able to catch up most of the time with my cannabis.   The heartburn pains are the worst ever; just seeing my bones more and more in my chest kind of bothers me.  I worry that my heart my be getting weaker and weaker as these  days fly by.   The cannabis, a friend of mine had provided me with is also helping me get rid of that nasty taste by making me super, duper thirsty! Death is not such an easy subject to write about especially the reality of what happens to the body as one is suffering as I am.   I can say that my methods for dealing with what I deal with has given me more time with my honey and all my loved ones and all of you; my readers!)  I LOVE YOU ALL!

I feel all patients in all states should have access to medicinal cannabis so that they too can have a quality of life that gives them more time to be with their loved ones.  They too deserve to be pain free.  Cancer is a wasting disease and it's cruel and unusual to allow patients to suffer in so much pain?  It's wrong ethically to deny them to good quality medicine that has more than proven that it works.   It's not fair to deny patients good pain medication which really does work.  Not one politician really  has any idea what so many thousands of cancer patients who could be growing their own medicine rather than loosing their homes trying to afford medicine that has far worse side effects like constipation which is very deadly.  If only those politicians could live by the Golden Rule (Treat others how you would want to be treated")  got a chance to walk in mile in any cancer survivor's shoes to just understand what we often have to deal with.  If they could just sit through 1 chemo treatment on their own and deal with all those side effects that so many of us have to endure.  Cannabis really does help with the nausea and that horrid taste of metal; it actually gets rid of the nasty metallic taste that so many of us have to endure. 

OK I found an example of one politician behaving badly.  He is showing off his pure and utter greed!)  What an ugly and disgusting character flaw in anyone.  I don't like seeing greed in anyone.  Sure we all have to be greedy over somethings that are very important (our identity, home, family).   This politician is so greedy that he actually filed a frivolous lawsuit over biting into a sandwich.  This totally happened to me too and I chose not to sue. Dennis Kucinich is just one example of a very greedy ass politician who wants to sue because he hurt his tooth (is his tooth from pain and suffering worth $150,000?); I just don't buy it?  I was so shocked to see that headline and I like Dennis somewhat; but I'm not so sure anymore now.  OK it was the government cafe where he ordered his olive sandwich where he had the $150,000 olive that caused him to break his (was it some sort of golden tooth?) beloved (was it a golden tooth?) tooth; hell I had a hard Dutch Crunch bread   Sandwich which broke off my expensive Acrylic cap on my front tooth where I looked just like a jack-o-lantern for about a day and a half.  It didn't hurt; it only mortified me; I had just come in to work to do a shift; right before my shift I tried to eat my turkey sandwich and my first bite into the sandwich broke my from tooth; I was absolutely mortified and I had to go right back home.  I would have never even considered such a frivolous lawsuit over my tooth breaking like that; I ordered the wrong kind of bread and it broke my tooth.  Why should anyone have to pay me for that mistake? So many Americans are doing with out and he does do a lot of good for standing up for many Americans out there who don't have a voice but he's a dumb ass for even considering suing us tax payers over an olive in his sandwich.  I'm am always on the look out for Olive seeds with any kind of olive that I eat; especially in a sandwich.  This is about as crazy as the stupid hot coffee lawsuit; I have no idea why I brought this whole thing up but for a pure amusement of someone being greedy in  a world where its not appreciated. Greed is a horrible quality for anyone to have and why would I be so surprised that any politician had that quality?

Now I do agree with him on our health care  in that it should not be for profit; health care should be clearly about taking care of sick Americans who happen to need urgent care.  The new health care law is not Job killing as many Republicans keep repeating and what's funny is that they have no proof what so ever that it is job killing; only their propaganda and agenda for not wanting Americans to have real access to affordable and or free health care.  Yes, of course they have to lie to us?  They too  are very greedy and have vested interests in insuring that many of us are not covered.   I am so very thankful for the health care that I have had and continue to have.  Life is a true miracle for me and I'm so thankful to have it right now.   I just can't take any of that for granted; I treasure it so! )  Many other Americans should be so lucky as well; they too deserve it.  Well we deserve many things and in life we all have a purpose here and it should not be about gaining more and more material possessions or becoming so obsessed with loosing more and more weight?  I haven't noticed that much but are we all that fat?  I'm sick and tired of seeing loose weight here and there and everywhere.  I see this dumb bell thing that resembles so much of me just pleasuring my own man? It's kind of crazy?  What is that thing all about? Sorry!  It so looks like a tool that enhances a woman pleasuring her man with some very good hand job techniques?  My honey and I crack up each time we see the commercial and now men do it too?

Well I would be lying if I said my honey and I were not happy about the Packers making it to the Superbowl.  Old Mr. Farvre is not making us happy anymore with his midlife crisis sexual harassment problems and then totally dissing the Packers by playing for their mortal enemies (Vikings) well now handsome Mr. Aaron Rogers just took them to the Super Bowl!  Yeah!  So there Mr. Traitor! that's what he proved he was to the entire team.  What comes around goes around and I certainly hope the Packers win this Super Bowl; What a freaking creap he proved to be!  My sweet honey deserves that happiness and satisfaction of his team winning the Super Bowl!  Yeah!)

What is up with the Oscars?  They picked movies that were worthy of 1 star maybe (Black Swan) and maybe 2 stars (True Grit) and I finally got to see all of Secretariat and I have to disagree with their voting system?   I guess they pick the suckiest and most boring movies ever to win?  I don't get it?   I have no idea how those other two movies could be any better than Secretariat.  My honey and I watched it twice and absolutely loved it?  Movies that you tend to love never seem to win anything?  I guess that life for Hollywood.  It's so misunderstood and they still remake movies that don't need to remade; if they just researched more of life they could find plenty more movies to make.  They are just running out of Original material?  Not getting it!

I wish all of you much Peace and Love!  Here's to me keeping up with my pain and to keep on  surviving as long as I can!

A Wonderful Day with my Honey....

Well yesterday morning at 6:01am; I got a very disappointing call from my aunt who had called me from a hotel in Kentucky (Comfort Inn); apparently they were snowed in and therefore could not make it to see me.  They were just going to turn around and go back 12 hours of driving instead of less than 1 hour and delay a flight.   I was so crushed and I just knew how far they were from the airport when they had called.  They were maybe 30-45 minutes (maybe an hour at the most) from the airport and had driven over 12 hours to get where they were going.  I'm not at all sure why they decided to do this (my aunt has never flown on a plane and is scared to death of flying),  (My aunt lives in Richmond, VA and my mom in Spartanburg, SC).  They would meet up and drive all the way to St. Louis, Missouri

All day long my honey and I have been going through all the reasons ton why they were so close and could have easily come to see me. and they just turn around and drive over 12 hours back?  OK I know it was a bad snowstorm but they could have left on the same flight the following day?  Could it be new Air Restrictions as in this photo?  I would not be a bit surprised if it ever turned out to be like that.  I really can't stand all of those dumb ass people who have to make it harder for the rest of us by doing stupid, stupid things.  It is really dumb to try to kill a bunch of innocent people.   

I know my aunt has never flown before and it unfortunate that she has  to purchase 2 tickets because of her obesity but she was able to do so; so why throw in the towel and give up?; I'm not giving up?.  It's really sad but if I were her; I still would have done anything to come see my niece whom I haven't seen in over 20 years and may not ever get to.  She may not have another chance to see me; GOD I hope so.  I don't know if I can fly with the restrictions they have now; they might hurt me with all of my medications that I need or frisking me; they might pull out my picc line or my gastric tube.  I just can't travel at all right now.  I could in a private plane but not commercial; too many restrictions.  I couldn't stash my pot either; I would end up in a Federal Prison.    Oh how I miss her and her jovial personality.  She would have loved to have met Miss Blue Belle and Mr. Bigfood Tonto!  We do have that love for animals in common!)

 

They still had a few days and could have made it the next day into St. Louis.  I don't know why they bought tickets for St. Louis (12-13 hours away driving) and I wish so much we could have helped them get here.  We have gone over and over many of the details.  I do know that my mother also forgot her cell phone which I am paying for with our family plan.  She always looses it or forgets and so does my brother.   I figure; I deserve to talk with my mother and my brother  whom I love very, very much everyday if I choose too every day of my life !); I pay for it and therefore I deserve to but it's so sad that sometimes I will go months or weeks with out talking with either of them.  They  just never answer their phones; I have to call my mom's home phone first and ask her to please turn on her cell phone so that we can use our family talk plan (always turned off or it goes straight to voicemail) they do loose their cell phones often, my brother always either breaks his phone or damages in someway and I will always have to send him a new one (it's always my honey's phone; I would usually have to buy him a new one).  I wish so much  that they respected me more than that but that's just them.  Sometimes they won't answer their phones on purpose because I know they don't wish to talk with me and that really hurts.   I do know that it is like that; they both suffer depression and it's the way they deal with my problem (cancer).

I don't know maybe I am being way too sensitive but when ever someone gets me anything; I try my best to take good care of what ever it may be. and cherish it for as long as I can.  It always means so much to me when ever anyone does anything for me.  I never take those things for granted.  If my brother or mother or even father decided to get me a cell phone and pay for it monthly; OMG; I would totally be thankful for it.  I never ever, avoid calls from my own family.  Maybe they are scared of what is happening to me and it's just some sort of avoidance behavior.  They don't want to worry about me and if they don't hear bad news; it's not happening.

The only way I know how to contact my brother is to call his job; I can never call his cell phone; he never answers it.  Once in a blue moon (if I'm lucky once or twice a month).  Thank GOD his contract just expired and his phone just broke so I just cancelled his phone! I was just waiting and waiting for his contract to expire so that I could just cut my losses and hopefully he can be a man and get his own cell phone.   I love him so much and wish so much I could talk with him everyday.   We are those close brothers and sisters who could never ever get mad at each other no matter what.  We were always best friends and I know it must have broken his heart when I moved out here; but I couldn't help it; something just drove out here to Cali.

I did get to Skype with him twice so far and I am so happy that we were able to do that.  It was so amazing and I was so happy just to see his face and his kitty cat which is also a manx.  There is no way I can contact him with his cell phone (it just goes straight to voice mail).  OK enough about my dysfunctional family; at least I have an awesome husband who loves me like no other.  I'm so proud of him and I'm proud of my family too even though they have their quirks about them.  I wish I could talk with them every day but that's just not in my cards to do so.

UPDATE: We just skyped again and we got to talk about my mom's trip out here and he was totally unaware that the two of them had turned around and come back.   He thought that the two of them might already be here  It was so awesome to be able to talk with my brother and to see him too as if he were in the next room.   Well hopefully he will be able to go over to my mom's house and put her phone back on the ringer so that I may call her.  The cell phone is turned off and the land line is off the hook?

I still have much to look forward too despite their spontaneous cancellation.  I had even gotten them a hotel room for such an excellent rate!(.   At least I was able to cancel with out any charges.  My father is coming to visit me on the 16th so I will try to plan some fun things for us to do and I definitely would like to go bicycling with him everyday that he is here and of course go to the Palo Alto VA hospital with Blue Belle.  This will be fun and enjoyable for both of us; no all three  (including Blue Belle) of us.  Blue Belle loves to work; she hates the dog park but loves the hospital.  I hate the hospital but she loves it?

Anyway back to the phone call she had told me that they were snowed in Kentucky or Indiana? and therefore they couldn't make it to come visit me but yet there were going to turn around and go back home (12 hours back).  I was so incredibly excited that they were coming to visit me.  How depressing and disappointing.  I just can't believe they actually did this?  I was so looking forward to be hanging out with them and just enjoying their company; just seeing them and to be quite honest; my conditions don't seem to be improving much.   It's getting worse and worse to talk with doctors and nurses with out them suggesting that we at least sign those pink papers "Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining  Treatmetnt (POLST)".    I hope I am around at least till the end of this year and maybe next year and the year after that and the year after that or hopefully till I'm 50; that would be ideal!  If I survive to be 40; that's OK too.  I was just watching the Green River killer and how many young women didn't get to survive as long as I am have been alive in fact there are so many that don't.  That's exactly why we have to be thankful for everyday that we are given; and don't just look forward to tomorrow; enjoy every moment!)

 I am worried to death over finances for my honey should I pass.   I hope everything is perfect for him in every way should I pass.  I don't want him to have to worry about anything.   He is the best man there is; he has served  his country and even risked his life doing border patrol on the DMZ in North Korea.  I'm so incredibly proud of him for that; he has so much integrity (I have never met anyone with more integrity than this man!) and so much heart and soul and he certainly doesn't deserve my troubles.    I'm so very thankful to have him everyday that I am alive.  What a blessing he is; an Angel who walks amongst us; as he would say the very same thing about me; I feel that way about him.  We always tell each other how much we love each and everyday.  I still try my best to look good for him, to smell good for him and be the best wife that I can be.  He still allows me to take days off when I feel like it and I have taken quite a few with out any complaints from him.  I looked so ravagely sick and unseductive (didn't brush my teeth but will in a few) and somehow he still found me sexy somewhere? 

We did have the most wonderful day on Wednesday.  We went out to see a movie and I was so happy and relieved to have my lap dog sleeping on my lap and calming me down.  The movie was so amazing and I didn't have to go potty through out the movie! How cool is that?

The movie we was Avatar and we were kind of short changed because they didn't give us the  3D glasses to see  the movie with; but since the movie was so dam good; we plan to see it again at the CiniArts Cinema at Santana Row.   I give this movie 5 stars and 2 thumbs up.  What an amazing movie and it does give us many ideas and subtle clues as to what we are doing to our own environment.  Everything that I have been thinking and worrying about here; you must respect what you already have on this earth; there is no need to destroy everything in sight just for few bucks; cherish our parks and wildlife; they may not be around for ever.

What a wonderful movie to enjoy!  We both ate a chocolate bar and drank water while Miss Blue got to snack on her kibble and then nap on my lap.  Yesterday;  I know I could have had the energy to make it out of bed but I did not get out of bed the entire day (it was that phone call  that I got this morning from my aunt where they had decided they were not coming to see me); I didn't even get out to go ride my beautiful bike.   I just layed there in bed sad and depressed that I would not be spending the weekend with my mom and my aunt.  I still don't understand what happened at all; but I always try my best to get things done no matter what even though my health has stalled me for most of this year from even going to work.  I don't feel that either one of them is facing what I am facing but I still try to get things done.   I do know that I can't fly to see them; so that's why they were planning to come see me.   I had the alarm set to go pick them up; I had done many laundry loads, vacuumed, dusted, cleaned and disinfected both bathrooms, washed my car and filled up the tank, even got the key faub fixed, reserved them a hotel, and even thoroughly groomed my dog (Deodorizing Spritz Lavender) and cat (Earthbath Mango Tango).  Both of them still smell delicious! and they love it!

I know that I must stay alive even though I keep hearing the nurses and even my husband, the social worker and everyone around me telling me that my life could very easily end suddenly with all that has happened to me end anytime now.  I have been cut open too many times to count and I know they know this too; but I will surprise everyone and survive the inevitable which has already happened.  My spirit is strong and I have a very strong spirit with me who helps me everyday.  I wish I could film what he does each day to help keep me alive and all that he does so that everyone could believe in real love or that it does exist.  We are just like those old people that you see like the one who pushes the wheel chair and helps the other one with getting out of the wheel chair or into the car; but we are young.  We help each other and don't even think twice about not doing so.  I will cook him a meal if I am able to and he will only ask me to if I am up and walking around.  He does bug me about eating and taking my medications when he sees the spreadsheet is blank.  It's just the little things that we do that make a difference to each of us.  We are  respectful, considerate, loving, and caring for one another and that's the way every couple should be with one another.  Peace and Love to all!