To All The Friends Of My Sweet Jayne

This is Jayne's husband Jimmy.  This is my first post to Jayne's famous blog.

Jayne passed away peacefully this morning.  She did not appear to be in any pain.

This blog was very important to her in chronicling her battle with this terrible disease.  Your support and love she received through the comments on the blog were truly inspirational to her and helped her to continue to fight and to continue to enjoy her life.  I loved hearing her recite all your comments to me.  It was very important to Jayne to use this blog to share knowledge so others could learn through her experience:  including patients, loved ones, and medical professionals alike.  For so many people who are newly diagnosed, it is the unknown things to come that are the scariest.  This was a way for Jayne to share her ideas and experiences in combatting this disease.  It is my hope that this blog will continue to be a resource for people, even now that Jayne is gone.

I told Jayne when the time came the Spirit Horse would come to take her to the other side.  That horse's name was Graple, which is short for the Grey Appaloosa she had as a child.

While she was living, I always told her and all of our friends that she was the angel that walks amongst us; now she flies amongst us.

Thanks again for all your support and love,
Jimmy

Some more love from me.....

I do want to lift the enormous enough of lift of love of the I want to send to all lovers and survivors of cancer as we battle on this brave, hard battle.  It's definitely not a hard battle for any of us to battle; but I do no there is a lot of support of there.   I feel it here so real and feel it fresh from each of you.  Love is the best thing; even more than money could ever be!

So far I'm kinda OK, 78 lbs of me full today!    but I not going do try any soft foods; just liquids for now; puking quite regularly, TPN is still at night; we take it off in early morning.  I think that I am always in I'm in always shocked at my husband at how amazingly that he can go through each procedure  for each needs to do; he is ready and ready to do all that is I'm ready to heady head him! 

Well my dad has been here too and I have been filled with fun and lots of help.  Blue Belle is loving the extra walks with grandpa; I should have more photos of my dad with with such a such a cute little girl!  She has such a great time with here and of course the men like to go out at night and enjoy a good sports bars  with lots of man sports which I totally understand.

Just want to wish you all Peace and LOVE TO ALL YOU!!

 

My Awesome Husband Saga Continues....

I'm going to tell you all the most amazing true story about what my husband did for me this week and of course one good friend who helped us.    Yeah it could suck to be me if I didn't have such a bad ass husband by my side to slay some cancer ass if we can!  We always have hope and I'm also very aware of what we are facing as we enjoy every waking moment we can with each other.   I'm so freaking thankful that his job is allowing for him to be so passionate enough to take such great care of me.  He's better than  most of the nurses and I trust him a lot more in helping with so much that he does.    I can't help but gush about how wonderful my husband is to me as I survive what seems to be the most impossible.   How can I just be walking around on such skinny little match stick legs?  How can I still be alive with this big huge knot looking thing on my right shoulder or have such crazy looking  medical devices just making room in the shrinking body?  Life really is a miracle for me as I go from one part of life to the next life.   His undying love for me never stops a beat and it always makes me smile from the gut of my cancer ridden stomach to the smile that he  creates on my face!)  Of course he always makes me laugh and I always knew I would marry the first man who could really make me laugh and of course tell me the best stories.    He just has this way about him and I'm positive there are hundreds more who swear by him; he is one of those rare men that you don't find just everyday.  Once you have him a friend; you have him for life; I could never be attracted to anyone else which will make waiting on the other side all more harder.

I guess it was about Tuesday the day before when I got a phone call that I needed to go in the next day (Wednesday) to get my pain pump  refilled; well we've been getting the most amazing rain storm and the temperature has been very cold; perfect I would say if only I had the strength and meat on my bones to sustain me enough to go snowboarding;  OMG! would that be so freaking awesome!  so yes all this beautiful wonderful rain has been killing me; I've been dreaming of snowboarding quite a bit of course.  I hope all the people out there are having a blast!  Anyway, I told my honey immediately that we needed to fill my pain pump and I was kind of worried that this might kink up some plans, but no he made it all work!).   He was on the ball and how very proud of him I am. for that; I don't think I could ever expect any less of him.   I feel that every woman  fighting this monster called cancer needs a Jimmy!  The world would be so much better!  I hope there are many other women out there who also have their Jimmy's because suffering with this disease  alone is nearly impossible; there really are lots of heroes out there fighting cancer along side us that we need not leave out or forget about and I know I'm not the only one!  

I'm actually in awww of my knight in shining armor as tears are flowing down my face when I say this so proudly; he really had the day so well planned.   I could so nothing but smile and giggle at the cute things he does for me.  It's so sweet!)   He had called  a close friend of ours  to  come pick us up and drop us off at the convenient front entrance where he could wheel me up to the 4th floor.  I was actually very sick on Wednesday and I was not at all feeling good.   I had my puke bag ready and we we had been panicking some that I might end up in ER if I couldn't get the puking down; we have been trying everything suggested  for my nausea and sometimes nothing works and then I just grabbed a bud and put it in my water pipe and smoked it (OK this was before we left for the hospital; just like a chemo brain thinks; the order of things get mixed up sometimes!)

My honey was planning to find a wheelchair  in order to wheel me up to the 4th floor where  he could first meet up with his point of contract (I can't use names and must keep anonymity  for these helpful souls at the hospital; I love them all so dearly for what they do for us  and would never endanger them for helping me survive this disease those extra days.  I'm always grateful for more time and I'm getting it right now.   Anyway, my honey waited first with me until his point of contract met us with us so that he could drop me off to the  pharmacy to pick up my heavy duty pain medications which I was running low on.   Actually he sat and waited with me until his point of contact (an incredible male nurse supervisor?) who always manages my pain pump; it really is a new thing and many know nothing about my weird internal contraption so it's important to have all the right people there when my pain pump is ready to be serviced like this.  I only waited maybe 5 minutes, when his point of contact arrived to take me downstairs to where I would get my pump refilled and even turned up some so that I wouldn't have to endure much more of the Dilaudid.

In a strange irony I was not yet thinking of ditching using them as I thought more and more about the horrid tastes I have  had to put up with us with further and makes me gag just thinking about it? I've been getting so sick and tired of having to deal with killing the horrid taste of the Methadone with pickles that were actually tearing the living shit out of my gut.   Since I had to get a refill in the pharmacy of pain medications anyway (see I have to use Pharmaceutical Drugs to  help as I have been cut open a total of 7 times and no one can convince me that with this crazy shitty cancer growing inside me for going on 6 years of this 8 years battle  of being cut open and stapled back together; how much more can a human life  take of this?   I have faced the reality of knowing that I can't survive this comfortably with out pain medication; it would be cruel and unusual to make me suffer that way; but why are we allowing those in other states to suffer needlessly?

Medical marijuana is also helping me curb the nausea which is totally unreal.  It takes certain strains and I'm grateful my friend just found the right one.  It's working for right now.  Everyday is a new day for me.   I'm still trying to find that out; it's kind of my life experiment?  Pretty fascinating I hope?  I like to think that I don't go through these sort of things for nothing?   Well while I was being set up for my pump refill , my sweet honey was down in the pharmacy picking up my pain medications.   Now he had even coordinated this move which used to take him a total of 2 hours and irritating to have to do twice a month since they wouldn't dare give us more than a 2 week supply most of the time.  I actually don't have that addictive personality but yes some drugs do hook people in a horrible way just going cold turkey and I found that out when I got my pain pump inserted and had to deal with Fentanol withdrawal which was not fun.      My sweetie got me through that ordeal too!  He makes feel so much stronger!  I am one lucky woman to have such a man!

Well the last couple of months of being on hospice care has been much better.   So back to my internal pain pump refill; my honey had just refilled my pain medications and in an instant he was already there in time for them to stick the needle into my tummy in order to fill up my pain pump.  I reached behind me for his warm hand to hold and he grabbed my hand just as I was about to start screaming from the size of the needle.  Yes, needles still terrify the living shit out of me! OMG!   I have no idea why that needle makes me cringe and cry each time but he grabbed my hand and made it all better!)    I was so happy my pain doctor even came down to check on me and was able to accommodate turning up the pump so I that I might be able to cut down on the Dilaudid.   

We were practically in and out of the hospital with everything we needed in less than 20-25 minutes!  He even refilled prescriptions and most importantly; we got my  intrathecal pain pump (huge Skoal Can on my Tummy) refilled.   My honey helped me into a wheelchair and  then he wheeled me right down the hall to  the front waiting area where our ride was waiting.  He helped me into the car from the wheelchair and we were on our way; we made it home in no time.   I know I should just take that shit for granted; but I just can't; I appreciate all that he is to me and am grateful for such a wonderful man.

I was a little panic stricken over how I would manage my pain control since I was not down with taking oral Methadone (it has the most putrid taste ever and I can't get rid of that taste in my mouth unless I eat pickle which are overly acidic in my poor little unworking tummy.  My tummy is basically a general holding area for puke because if anything does make it to my tummy; it's right to the puke bowl in about 5-15 minutes.   It sucks and boy does it get tiring I'm sure of listening to that nastiness.

My honey has another friend who is also in my similar situation; he  too has a sweet wife whom he takes very good care of and he  loves her  dearly; she needs his help in her life and its so sad to think of her loosing him and I hope and pray she has many more  family and friends who can  help take care of her; yes there are always those in far worse situations than you ever thought that you would be in.  In life you can either take the position of a victim (which is quite annoying I must say! = just my humble opinion)  or you can try to conquer what you can; do your best!   Work with your partner which I love doing each day!  He makes my life the best!  He rules!    and it does prove that you really do need lots of love to get through a Cancer Diagnosis; hell we all need it in life. 

Alright back to my awesome husband. We are talking about our friends; they  are dealing with what they have to deal with as well.  His friend was also not down with taking either of those oral nasty liquid medications; they had burned his throat to no end and were more than likely doing the same for me.  My throat always burns and I always have the worst heart burn every.   He too was prescribed the exact same pain medications that I have prescribed for me. You can't quit cold turkey on the Methadone because I think it takes like 24 hours for you to relapse and to seriously have the worst pain ever and then have to deal with trying to catch up on the pain you could possibly suffer from being eaten alive by cancer.  I was facing having to deal with severe cramping from the cancer  pain and scar tissues from ALL those surgeries that  I  have had.

I have also  had enough of the Methadone and of course that horrid, horrid, taste; oh and freaking out when the actual medicine makes it on top of taste bud; then panicking to  try hard to stuff a pickle in my mouth fast enough to in order to get rid of that taste; ewww that taste;  it makes me  yack just thinking about it!(   Oh it doesn't even stop there,   I'm also puking up pickles which really didn't feel so good coming back up and they do have this funny taste when they come back up.  I almost felt like a cow chewing cudd and regurgitating?

  I just could not stomach any more of that Methadone .  There was no way in hell I was going to take it again; so I refused and was now going to take my chances on quitting cold turkey.   I couldn't put that shit in my mouth again.  My honey called the hospice nurse the following day  to let her know of my stubborn ways; that's OK to be that way; you can only take so much in life.    I actually couldn't stomach either one of them.  The Dilaudid is so incredibly overly sweet and chemically tasting like cold medicine? It's sweet in a nauseating kind of way!  Imagine having to take cold medicine every single day; every hour on the hour sometimes; of course I couldn't do that; 8 doses has been my max I believe.  I have had lots of painful days to deal with; that's makes it hard for me sometimes to do anything but veg out on the couch.  Despite all this; one man makes me more than happy to keep on trugging through this!  Oh how I love him is such an understatement!

Anyway, my hospice nurse came up with the most brilliant solution ever; actually my honey figured out the perfect way to administer my nasty ass Methadone; through my G-Tube!  Yeah!  I didn't know we could even do this but he can give it to me in less than 1 minute.  Since my G-Tube has been mostly for decompression I have to sit still for about 20 minutes and try my best not to drink anything.  He gets a syringe and unscrews part of my G-Tube and then screws it back in after he gives me my prescribed dose and then he amazingly uses another large syringe with just enough water to wash it into my tummy and the rest has been history!    I'm not suffering in nearly the pain I had been and only wish I had been doing this all along! Wish we could do the same for the Dilaudid?  We will see.  For now I'm happy see more of these wonderful rainy days where I can day dream about our fun adventures that we have had together! and we have had a lot!


I also feel that music can help so many of us to heal.  Just turning off the TV and listening to music can improve your mood significantly.  Watching some of this worthless crap on TV can make you dummer, maybe a little psychotic, some even wanting to murder others; how could anyone put shit on TV to make people hate one another?  How can they live with themselves selling their soul like that?; especially many of those news programs; don't ever believe everything you hear and always question the source.   It sucks that more and more dishonesty is coming out in journalism?   It just takes a buck to change a fact? That's just the way it is.  Look at all those insurance commercials; we aren't paying for more coverage; we are paying for total annoyance ;all those worthless, monotonous ads on TV that are intrusive, loud, and totally obnoxious.  Turn that shit off and Listen to some good music instead of lies!  Rock out!
Peace and Love to all of you!

Happy Valentine's Day = LOVE 's HOLIDAY....

I know it's been a while since I last posted and to be quite honest I have been busy dealing with lots of pain in my body and an abundant amount  of nausea. Part of the love that I feel so strongly for my husband is how aware he is of what is going on with my body.  He senses things that might not be right; he gets scared as most normally would in keeping his love alive or to be enjoying just one more day with her!  I am always grateful for that one more day; yes we are doing this one day at a time; we can't compound more stress than what is completely necessary.  It's very stressful for both of us.   I can't bite more than I can chew!)

It's a blessing for me if I am able to get outside and experience walking around in a grocery store or even to go shopping.   Well all that got knocked down since I have been getting dizzy from my blood pressure being down and I am struggling really hard trying to get potassium and electrolytes in my body.  I'm stuck on the couch and I do think "my god what would I do if I didn't have my husband and family who try so hard to stick by me and visit to help him out.  My brother and my father are doing everything they can as well to help my honey out.  I am so thankful for my hospice team  who help me to live as comfortably as I can.  Quality of life is so important and it should be for all the other cancer patients out there who are suffering similar to me.

We are working on different concoctions and various things  for my nausea and pain; for now it's WHAT EVER WORKs, WORKS.  Sometimes its the pot, sometime its the other combination of drugs and chemicals.  I still find it hard to believe that there are so many who are against the chronically ill to be able to utilize the most powerful pain medication with minimal harmful side effects compared to morphine, methadone, or Dilaudid.  I couldn't not believe how snootie this woman was on the news and she judged people like me as dirt and scum because I happen to use cannabis for medicine.  She has never met me but yet she is frightened at what I would do to her children if they saw me?  Is she kidding?; I'm fighting constipation every single day and that can kill most of these patients.  Maybe that's pretty damned scary for her?  It happens to be one of the symptoms that pot does NOT cause.  It sure does help provide me with more extra days with my loved ones and I'm ultra grateful for that.  I deserve this extra time!  I know I was supposed to be gone a long time a go but I'm still holding on.  I know this with personal experience.  San Jose, happens to have 103 dispensaries and I'm grateful they will at least consider the law before shutting down 90% of them.

I finally got my blood drawn on Monday  by one of the  hospice nurses and boy was I one hard stick!  My veins appeared to looked so incredibly plentiful; well also despite teeny tiny and my veins looking very plentiful but BOY DO THOSE VEINS ROLL!  We had a hard time getting blood samples and then afterward I was incredibly weak as if I had given up a mass amount of blood; perhaps I needed a blood transfusion.

The nurse who drew my blood was incredibly cool and very sweet as I squealed like a baby stuffed pig after many sticks; we finally got one.

Hours later after the blood samples; I got a call from a doctor who was very concerned about my blood being low on potassium and electrolytes.  We actually got several phone calls of others who were equally concerned about my blood numbers; they looked very dangerously low. The doctor I was speaking too did some brainstorming to see what she could find.  She named off kinds of things that I might be able to try to eat to get my self back to more healthy.  I was finally excited! I could try to eat food even though I would most definitely puke it up but I sure tried to keep it down as much as I could.  Hell I have lots of hope even though it's looking very grim for me.  I know what my future is holding right and to survive Valentines' Day is a pure miracle.  Now I have some hope that I can eat lots of great food (I think all food is great at this point, I just hate that I puke it out most of the time).  I know my time is coming soon as I see my weight plummet to just 79lbs.  It's breaking my heart more and more as I see my honey wake me and scared that I might not respond to loving calls to me.

Well these last couple of days have been spent on the couch trying to eat some good foods and then they only last in my tummy; at most 20 minutes.  I keep hoping that some of it might stay.

Well we did have a very wonderful visit with my brother.  He helped me out so much and of course I had a crying fit when he left because I love him so much; not to worry he will be out here soon enough I hope.  My dad will be here soon to help take care of other things.  The day before my brother left, we both had a lovely drive to Santa Cruz to visit with one of my favorite beautiful families and my brother in fighting cancer. It was great to get out even though it was just for a little while.  We talked about old fun memories and enjoyed the beautiful sea, salt and sun air!  It was so refreshing.  I started to get sleepy and trying so hard to fight back the feeling of passing out.  How embarrassing.  For now I'm looking forward to seeing my dad for a few day and hope that I can continue to survive; I'm a little scare and I spoke with the Champlain just a few weeks ago and due to do so again.  Getting a different perspective is important and to plan in case the inevitable happens.  It's so scary but I have to face this.  I see all hard things so many of us have to face and its sad; I hope everyone else can at least appreciate what their bodies can do for them because you really don't know how much you appreciate until it's going.  I miss eating so much!  I am able to still eat only it doesn't get to stay in my system all that long.  The vomiting is a real thing and if only I could eat what anything of what any of you can rather than just boring TPN; that would be a true gift and I hope all of you cherish everything your body can do for you.

It's sad I know to talk with other women who have had children and then they get diagnosed with cancer and what a nightmare it is to live with that gloom.  I tried to cheer everyone up who is sad about something in their life because in reality we all have something that we are not happy about.  I hope these women can find the gift it was that they were able to be a mother ever for such a short time because some of us never get that pleasure.  Children really are the many joys in the world that I'm thankful for.

My honey and I had  a nice little Valentine's day celebration; we are still celebrating.  My honey got me an nice little card and apparently my honey and I both have a little eye problem.  My honey apologized when he gave me the card and he told me the whole story of how he bought this card.  When he bought the card the cashier gave him a funny look when he bought the card but I feel she should have expressed her feelings?  The front of the card was hard enough for both of us to read and not even notice.  My honey had to tell me; he didn't get why the cashier looked at him funny when he bought the card.   The front of the card read "The longer we're together, the more clearly I can see... I've found exactly the right man to share my life..."  OK he got me a card for a husband but you know what I still love him and would have probably bought this card for him which I told him.  We both cracked up! 

I wish all of you lots of hugs and Peace and Love!  No greed allowed here!  Treat others how you would want to be treated and give everyone you feel who deserves a chance!)

The side effects of sitting around...

I recently found this article that I thought might be benefitial to all of my readers and I agree whole heartedly.  Hell I have bruises on my ass that prove much of this:

http://www.nursingschools.net/blog/2011/02/14-proven-side-effects-of-sitting-all-day/

Get up and enjoy what you have in life!  I'm happy if I can get out of bed these days and certainly if I can go outside and enjoy some gold old Sunshine!)

Peace and Love to all of you!

Health Care coverage for all hard workers....

BEWARE: this post might be incredibly offensive to many but that's not my intention at all!  I'm venting here!   My mode of thinking might be a bit extreme for most.

I'm actually in shock and awe as I see what some crazy people are willing to do in order to get rid of someone else's business; another person's body that they would like more control over.    I was completely shocked that the extreme right (wrong) would like to redefine "RAPE" and limit one's access to the morning after pill and an abortion?  Limiting abortion is what they are touting this as.  It's still very, very, evil.  Any kind of rape is wrong and are they somehow siding with rapists? I am against any woman who is held against her will, beaten, and/or violated completely.  It's not fair to put these poor women through the whole phase of being re-victimized again and made  to look like a cold hearted killer   when she decides that "SURPRISE" she doesn't want to be pregnant with this shithead's child.  Why would anyone expect her to be?  

It's no one else's business what her decision might be.  I feel that  anyone who rapes should be castrated and or spayed if need be?.  There sure would not be any incentive (free education, free health care, room and board= all funded by taxpayers)to do so; prison really is no deterrent for these monsters and it is known that male dogs loose most of their aggression when they are castrated.  So these animals are no better than dogs; they don't deserve to force a woman to carry their illegitimate child and we don't deserve to force that woman to either.  Cells being a victem rather than actual human life?  Many people go through all kinds of surgeries and I feel castration for rapists is no exception.   That kind of violence is unacceptable no matter what; even date rape.  NO means NO.

I couldn't believe my ears when I heard that GOP supporters would like to redefine "RAPE".  "Can you imagine telling a victim of date rape -- or another form of sexual assault -- that they don't just count as rape survivors because it wasn't so-called "forcible rape"? Well, with this H.R. 3 bill, that's exactly what John Boehner and the GOP wants to do: tell these women that they're not victims of a crime or that they DO NOT deserve the resources they need to deal with their trauma."  I can't imagine this amount of EVIL because it is evil to be controlled against your will sexually? 

I  think John Boehner needs to go to a prison (with lots of sex offenders) and find out exactly what these women are actually having to deal with when they are raped:.  He could spend the night with a known rapist of men; I feel  he needs to be raped so that he knows what it's like before he decides to change the rules.  I see he has plenty of experience playing golf; why not being raped?  This evil man is drawing the line to "I don't care about this woman's life".   A woman who is raped  will have to live with that trauma for the rest of her life.     He obviously has no clue and I see him as a worthless pundit who needs to walk in the shoes of the people he represents.  That's just my humble opinion of this man.   

Because many GOP are Pro-Fetus (I'm calling it as it is) - I refuse to say that they are Pro-life because we are not just talking about cells inside of a woman; we are talking about the life of the woman who carries the cells because basically they are saying "fuck her life"; only take care of those who are not born yet; then after they are born; they can be thrown away into the Foster Care System; until they are 18 years old and then can be sent to war.  

It seems that many GOP are against Public Education, housing subsidies, child care subsidies, any kind of help of any kind, but boy are they pro-war!  Now that is not my definition of PRO-LIFE of any kind.  They are gunho against any type of welfare (I do feel that we should all be able to take care of ourselves and our families as we all have a purpose in this life; some people need a little help finding that out when they are young what that purpose might be),  I feel that some people do need a little spark on their ass to get them going whether that be financial or educational; some amount of motivation,  especially after  birth,; yes taking care of a live child  and a live mother?     We need all the unborn lives we can get because somehow they can fight all the wars  that we need to fight?  What am I missing here?  We don't even want to bother giving a woman with a child  any kind of insurance after the child is already born?  I feel family reproduction rights should be a family matter and not the business of the governments to make or other nosy citizens.   Why are we having to dispose of so much tax dollars on Wars? That's OK even if Haliburten decides to rip off the government?  Yes, this time I did open up a can worms this time!  It's just my own humble opinions about what I absorb from all that's going on!)

I feel I was blessed to have Planned Parenthood for my main source of health care coverage when I was in my 20's and early 30s in getting me checked every 6 months to a year for Cervical Cancers,  certain types of vanerial diseases, HIV testing; my goodness this place was a real help to me! I don't know what I would have done with out them; they are not all bad as the media would like to tell all of us.  It sure helped me even though they were unequipped and more than likely not funded enough to have found my "silent but very deadly killer".   I had a so called "tilted cervix"?  We had no idea that I had cancer and it was complete mystery when I awoke from my surgery to remove a bad Ovary?

Planned Parenthood was awesome to me; they provided me with free condoms, birth control , and pretty much basic female health care as I needed it.  Back then, it was common knowledge that birth control would help prevent me from getting "Ovarian Cancer".)  That was the big thing with birth control back then; it seemed to help prevent Ovarian Cancer for some women and it might still be touted today as doing just that?; I don't see any of those ads anymore, but  I guess it was a good false projection at the time?  OK it didn't work, but I really feel if we just fund what really makes sense for some of these 20-30 year olds who are skating by without insurance as I was at the time (hello their lives are totally worth saving? = not the time to be greedy or stingy with insurance!)  They also help women through the very traumatic experience of being raped and that's very, very important and we have to have that kind of coverage and funding.  No one else's business; I'm a taxpayer who would rather cover this kind of health care more than a failed Drug War.   We need some education too in this nation of ours!)    That's also more important than the stupid drug war too!

I no longer have to do that, but Planned Parenthood could  be screening so many of us much better for other types of reproductive cancers and other health problems or concerns (reproductive).    This kind of health coverage is totally needed in a time where there was 1,529,560 new cancer cases and 569,490 deaths from cancer in 2010.   Wouldn't it be cool if they could actually find the cancer sooner in these young girls and us older women (OK I'm just 40 but still way too young to have to die from this disease; I just don't want others girls having to go through the horrors that I have had to endure with this cancer.   If Planned Parenthood is gone; it will be a  sad time for many women who really depend on it.  I was happy just to pay my $10 co-pay each  time; and sometimes I didn't make enough money to be charged; kind of a starving student at the time and there were totally and completely accommodating for me.   It really is a great organization that helps so many women and families.  Despite so many all over the country, they are trying to help many young girls.

So how am I doing right now?  I'm pretty damn opinionated!  I'm OK for right now; still raising some hell of my own!)  Yes, the word is "right now".   I still live in the moment.  I'm puking a lot more (also eating a hell of a lot more!) but I get much relief from my plant medicine!  It is helping my quality of life "right now"!)  

I'm also getting ready for my brother to visit me once again this Saturday!  We are going to watch the Super Bowl and parts of the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet.  GO PACKERS!   I'm so excited for my honey with his team in the Super Bowl!   I sure hope the Packers win!  My honey will be so happy and then I hope to make it to Valentine's Day!  Its a celebration of Love!   

 

I am so excited to see and to hang out with my brother again!   I even got him a very, very early birthday present!  I just couldn't resist!   I had kind of a close call the other night; I was sleeping way more than normal and my honey started getting frightened that I was looking or appearing to look like I was passing away.   OH god do I know it must have been so scary for him as it was for me.  I was slightly frightened that I might go way too soon because it was so easy for me to be sleeping so soundly so quickly!  I guess it's always too soon when you die?  I was scaring my poor honey on the couch as I more than likely did not look very alive and breathing.  I appeared to be posing in death poses?  OMG!  How scary!  Anyway, I started crying once again because I didn't want to scare my honey which I was doing very well at!  

Did I mention that I have a severe case  of "Monkey Ass"?  Yeah, my ass  is looking exactly  like a monkey's!  It's red and it's bruised so I had to figure out how to pad up my little boney ass so it wasn't so freaking ugly?  I'm self conscious about those kinds of things; I want still want to look more appealing than that for my honey; Oh GOD does he deserve so much better!    OK I'm not calling myself ugly; my ass is slightly UGG right now; that's the only place right now that I'm  feeling is kind ugly to look at!)   I used to work in a zoo a long, long time ago (when I was a kid) and I can easily see the resemblance of my own ass looking exactly like that that ugly red color; that's usually on a female orangutan or Chimpanzee? No! not Michael Jackson's monkey's ass!  That's exactly what I thought when I peered up at the bathroom mirror to see my red boney ass!(  The red color cover's my entire spine; it's pretty unbelievable (I would totally take a photo of it but my ass does  still belong to my honey!) and yet my honey still calls my ass the sexiest ever?!  Oh GOD how I love him; & OHHH how I worship than Amazing man of mine!  My man is my hero!)

I'm so excited to hopefully be able to celebrate one of my favorites holidays "all because of my wonderful man".  I love Valentines Day!  Another day to spoil my honey! I could not ask for a better husband and I am so thankful that my lifetime included him.  13 years together, 8 years married!)   I couldn't have lived a better life and although many might disagree with me in my situation; we are all our own!)  We love our life together no matter what is on our plates!  I think I have the munchies now; I am weighing in at 92lbs! with clothes, and boots! Just last week I was sad to be weighing in at 84lbs.  I am aware that my life might end so much sooner in that my body is getting ready physically to do what it has to do. There's still so much in life to celebrate!

Peace and Love to all of you!  &  Happy Groundhog Day!