The Reality of Cancer Pain...

Since this getting this pain pump installed; I have had less pain for the last couple of weeks and just 4 days ago; I just started getting these sharp stabbing pains on the right side of my rib cage; kind of on the edge going inward in the abdominal area (where the bone starts = not sure of the correct medical term for the part of the rib cage); it hurts like a bitch every time (it's not constant pain  but comes and goes) and boy do I scream like bitch when it's happening.  It sometimes scares the living shit out of the animals (I just can't help it!(  It's not hurting now because I just used my beloved Vaporizer for which no one who does not suffer from extreme pain is able to use; but it suits me just fine; it gets rid of the pain and it makes me super thirsty so that I can get the doctor recommended fluids.  The pain is at its worst at night; not sure why but that is pattern lately.  It just won't go away at night; during the day its not so bad and easily controlled during the morning hours and during the day.  I do know that my intestines needed to start all over again and we are starting today with just fluids.  I can't eat solid foods just yet; need to clean out the intestines of junk!

To be quite honest I had horrible diarrhea last night; and a kitty cat that wanted to go out  for his walk so incredibly bad that he climbed up on the couch; looked at me and winked; he was giving me a kitty cat kiss; wow that's how cats kiss you; they blink their eyes!)  Well back to the embarrassing part of why I didn't get to go out and have fun with my honey; I needed to be at least 10ft from any bathroom and a puke bowl and carrying my IV bag.  I ran to the bathroom with pets going in all directions.  I think it was pretty scary for them and you can laugh if this is funny; it is; I'm suffering from burning ass; I'm also pooping out popcorn for which I am forbidden to eat and sometimes I just have to live just once and have that buttery bowl of popcorn!)  I love every minute of consuming it and hoping that perhaps it will put some meat on my bones and then there was the big yellow bag of M&Ms that a friend had left from the party.  OMG did it break my face out; I think I must have had about 5 zits on my face and puked my brains out some; I knew better than to eat them but the vaporizer does give me the munchies that I just have no control over; it tells me you need to eat that and that and that; anything in the house that is edible; and no I am not talking about eating my pet's food for anyone thinking that!

Sorry this photo is sideways but you can still see my tat and the staples going through it.  Yeah my ass is skinny! So what!  On a light notice, I did get this wonderful email from this wonderful mother and her super mature 19 year old daughter; how I remember 19 so vividly.  This little girl thankfully had only a non-benign tumor on her brain and when I met her she looked so hardcore as I did; I had staples on my tattoo; do check them out as I am sharing them with you!  I'm pretty proud that I got through what I have and I feel stronger for each hurdle I have to cross; now I am filling out difficult paperwork; I'm proud that I was able to get my medical records to disability; yes; receiving my hardworking (yes, and    boy have I worked hard all my life; since I was only 7 years old)  I got to drive an Alice Chalmers Dumptruck picking up hay.  I swear; the very best way for a child to learn how to drive is working a day; picking up hay; driving around while others are in the back of the truck grabbing and stacking the hay in the fields.  Ooops I just admitted I'm a deep down farm girl! Yes, I used to gather eggs each morning, feed chickens, ducks, horses, and rabbits, milked a cow and even had milk squirting fights with my brother and then the cow kicking over that large bucket of milk!  Oh I need to go back to this mother and child who got to pet Blue Belle in the hospital.  My husband had visited with the daughter just briefly as Blue Belle passed by her licking her leg as she is pushed in a wheel chair after her surgery.  I also visited with them in her room on my final day in the hospital.   The email really made my day after such a painful day but it easily got better after using my vaporizer.  Oh and did work! 

I did email each of my doctors explaining what kind of pain I am in and why isn't the pain pump on this pain?  I hate having to do this and I tried hard yesterday and the day before not to take anything for pain but then I had to because the pain had gotten so great.  We keep track of everything I eat, drugs that I take; we write them down on my word chart that I did such a great job in creating!  It works great and use the front and back (1 side for each day), yes that many drugs and responsibilities (flushing my iv, flushing my gastric tube, changing dressing on my tummy every other day, draining my gastric tube, taking various medications for different symptoms; etc.)  I could just be so lucky to have that man of mine!  He doesn't seem to mind and every day spent together is a miracle!

Anyway, as always it is a blessing to still be around and I hope and pray that I continue to get better and better (yesterday I weighed in at 114, not sure what I weigh today but we will see!  Peace and love to all of you!  Thanks for all the prayers and well wishes!

Is this pump really working?

In this photo some co-workers are visiting and have brought me gifts and cards from others at work who are equally concerned about my health. I never thought that I was that inspirational to so many; I just try each day to get through the pain and on with the good of each day.  It's the best way I know how.  Here, I am sporting a gorgeous ring one of my co-workers got me and it's beautiful Jade which matches many of my outfits!)

This morning I awoke and felt some horrible cancer like pain on my right side on my back ("shit the pain pump might not be working!" I thought); it felt as if a dagger was sticking right out of my back and I was just waiting patiently for my honey to pull it out.  OMG did it hurt?  Also, I    have been throwing up quite a bit lately (pretty much everything I eat)  and not able to keep food down as much as I would like.   I know I must be keep some of it down since I am also suffering from intense musle spasms (in my ass!(  My honey is also getting tired of his Packer popcorn bowl (he donated it to me through love) being used for my permanent puke bowl; ( well he just hates the sound of me puking my gutts out)I seem to grab it every couple of minutes sometimes and the most god awful disgusting noises from my puking occurs.  It sometimes just sucks ass!   What a trooper he is to still be married to me and to love me all the same; I'm thankful each and every day for his love and support. 

Well we certainly had the most wonderful visit from my dad last week (he left yesterday & Miss Blue Belle has been missing him something terrible = there is no more grabbing her at 7am and through out the day to take her on those long lovely walks with her grandpa; although I am doing my best but I can't possibly walk nearly as far as father had been taking her (2 mile walks twice a day.  He sure helped us out with laundry and the cleaning and basically just being a very supportive father for both me and my honey.  I'm so happy that my honey has my dad now to talk to, and relate things too.  He knows that he can talk to my dad about anything and I'm so happy       that he can.  My hubby called me on Monday night to tell me I had the coolest dad ever and I had to remind that he is his father too!  My father sang karoke at my honey's local pub on Monday night; a David Allan Coe song; he told me in his exact words "your dad is total punk rock".  Needless to say I was pretty proud; but I've always been proud of my dad and feeling more close to him than ever.  We had never been this close when I was a child and my mother had forbidden me from being able to  spend any amount of time with him which basically hurt me more than she could have imagined that it did.  I think she is reconsidering what she had done to me but it never does anyone any good to hold on to those old bad memories; you have to keep on living and try very hard to remember the good things that happen to you and just let go of the bad things.  Most people remember the bad things they experience in a day more so than the good things and I feel it is something more of us should stop doing; cherish the moments that we do have because we never know what the future holds.  How can we not when we have the news and media constantly shoving more bad news down our throats than ever; I would actually watch the news if it was any good; but the reality is that it's not; bad news sells?

Well if I had listened to my doctors perhaps I would not be here and that's a good thing; I believed in my life everyday and I still do.  That tells you that the mind is very powerful; I believed in my honey and that is why I am still here; love conquers all!  He makes me appreciate every day and I'm so very thankful that we met nearly 12 years ago.  He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  The cancer will hopefully die on its own somehow and perhaps all those who are praying for me it could very well take mind over matter to destroy this monster for me and for so many others like me who are also fighting for  their lives.  Your life never remains the same after you are diagnosed but one thing's for sure; you treasure life a hell of a lot more than you ever did before and that is probably an understatement for many!

 Well this photo might look absolutely discusting and gross but another thing is that is also displays the love my honey has for me in taking care of me and changing this dressing on my gastric tube every couple of days.  It is kind of like a pierced ear and one day I won't have to put dressing on it but for now; it's still kinda healing and always in danger of coming out!
 

Well I had forgotten to mention that my heart has warmed quite a bit and still remains so from a visit from co-workers.  I could not believe how many still remember me and miss seeing me around.  I hope and pray that I am able to return back to my job that I loved so much.  Everyone that I worked with has a beautiful soul and I miss them so much as tears fall from my eyes while typing this.   I was really blessed to be working where I was working; the company is a corporation but do they ever take care of their employees!  I never felt so valued in all my life and I'm thankful to have had to opportunity to work with such awesome people whom I hope I never ever loose touch with.  

I even had a friend whom I met a long time ago (20-25 years ago) come visit me and bring me some wonderful birthday gifts.  I had all kinds of wonderful people stop by at my birthday party; neighbors and friends and ever a carpool buddy!  It was great and I still am thinking about how wonderful everything turned out!  It certainly made me feel a whole lot better because I sure needed after that rough spell from my hockey puck surgery; yes that's what I call it; if that doesn't look like a hockey puck than what does?

Oh and I had trippy experience refilling the damned thing (Medtronic Drug Pump); we had to increase the dosage just a bit (painful anal spasms= oh how embarrassing; no body wants those!(  )  Anyway; he stuck a needle where the bandaid is and with a syringe filled it up with medicine and then put this little computer mouse like thing on my device and programmed everything? How facinating; huh?  Anyway, I should cut this blog short and wish all of you Peace and Love!