WARNING: Some of the Content here may be Objectionable to some. I have this blog labeled as "Adult Only" as a common courtesy for those who may easily be offended by Adult topics such as the Truth, Down to Earth topics, realities of living with Ovarian Cancer and/or any life threatening disease that goes along with it; Sexuality, Medicinal Cannabis, Profanity, and of course plenty of unpleasant body functions are also discussed here. This is a very tough battle for which I don't intend to hold anything back on what I am facing.
This blog is very personal and comes from the heart of a real fighting cancer patient who wishes nothing more than to live for all of those I love my own will to live, and my love of life. While sometimes I might be on heavy medication (prescribed by my doctor) and occasionally I might write about things or subjects that one may never even think about or consider; so please consider that as well. Yes; whacked out things might even be found here; but I mean everything in all good intentions.
This blog is not at all intended for the faint hearted, those who lack a sense of humor, have no idea what down to earth means, greedy mean people, and/or those who don't know how to share the world with others, and especially those who are unable to easily put themselves into the shoes of others. This blog is mostly about my journey of living my life in the best ways that I can under the Golden Rule and appreciating all of the GOOD KHARMA that comes my way! Never take anything in this world for granted; especially family and friends!
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Well here is the update. I just completed my first treatments (1 super infusion of Avastin on 8/12 + 14 pills = 2 weeks of Etoposide 8/11 - 8/24) Granted I did skip 3 days, but I took all of them! The Etoposide taken orally for 2 weeks, then 1 week off was the most difficult to deal with.
The Etoposide is supposed to cause hair loss and knocking on hard wood, I have noticed my hair thinning just a little bit. Not much, but my skin color is pretty pale.
I decided in order to prep for the hair loss and basically become more psyched is to not shave my legs, under arms or bikini line, eyebrows and even hair above my lips. So far, I am starting to look like a real bonafide hippy chick. My legs are getting darn pretty hairy and I don't know if my eye site is just bad, but I don't notice too much hair on my arm pits, just a little. My eyebrows are also allowed to grow into unibrow if they want to be! My husband really loves my big bush, so NO complaints from him just yet! So yes, the hair is still growing all over for right NOW!
My hair could fall out after the next cycle or any day now. I remember the first cycle of Carbo and Taxol that my hair fell out around the 19th day and it was right before Christmas.
Now here is a sad photo my husband took of me when my hair fell out the first time (12/02). I'm crying in this photo because it is a sad day on the reality of cancer. You can see just how dead my hair is as it had come out in handfuls. It wasn't the end of the world, but it did add more insult to injury.
Another serious side effect with the Etoposide is very painful abdominal cramping most because the pill goes into my stomach where it has to sit there while my body tried to figure out what to do with it. The pill is very corrosive so sometimes I have this really bad metal taste in my mouth. Then I feel like I have razor blades in my stomach as my intestines try very hard to move those razor blades through my intestines. Of course pot helps me get rid of this pain, so no worries there. Problem, solution! That makes me happy. I also laugh at myself as I do stupid things throughout the house. In all I didn't do anything dangerous to myself or others except drink my nasty PediaSure!
Every evening no matter what, I still get an abdominal blockage for which we have to handle in the most natural way possible or I could end up in the emergency room getting my stomach pumped (ng tube). We have to avoid it in the best way we know how. It's extremely painful to experience and I can still hear loud noises in my intestines. I plan to record those sounds once I get a stethoscope so that you too can witness those sounds. (I don't have one yet!)
BLOOD TEST TODAY
In order to prep myself for my next infusion (Tuesday, September 2nd 12:15pm), I had to go and get a blood test. Blue Belle came with me and wore her official working vest. She was a good girl the whole time and just sat by my side watching everything. I even got a photo of her being patient and walking by my side and then of me getting a blood sample. Of course all of the Flabatomists(sp), had to come over and get a better look and a handful just dug into the soft pretty fur. She smiled gently at each of them but just continued to watch me as my blood was drawn.
Not that this is a terribly interesting photo, it did help ease some fears of getting my vein stuck with a needle.
I can't wait to get a real camera and that will be when every Ritz Camera decides to send me my back ordered Nikon D80. Once I do get that camera, there will be much better quality photos in each of my posts. Too bad I only have this crappy Canon S500. Some photos appear pink at times and I can't for the life of me figure out how to fix that. No more worries about crappy cameras. More later!
Thursday, August 28, 2008
We can try to open it up and that's what we plan to do this week (we can NOT do it surgically). My doctor made a list of things for me to try to follow just so that I get to go number 2 quite often. Since most people have normal hard stool, he said that it would be best that I have soft or almost diarrhea and to go all day long. If you fall in the normal range, please consider yourself lucky. Imagine if you had to go through the shit I have to go through and I mean it quite literally.
I get to drink lots and lots of Miralax which kind of tastes like cigarette ash if you just have it with water. What I like to do is to pour a little bit of Blueberry, cranberry juice, or any juice (no sugar- just fruit sweetened), add the Miralax, then top off with water. Anyway, I have double my doses of Miralax, stop taking any laxatives or fiber since fiber cause bulk in the intestines where normal people (not me= never been normal).
Next the doctor suggested that I should refrain from eating any foods like salads, dairy, meat (which is not a problem - I will miss the cheeses!) I can eat soup, baby food, and PediaSure. I am not a big fan of PediaSure because it does have lots of sugars (which feed cancer).
I have been utilizing Whole Foods for the soups and Alive Ultra Shake. I really do miss eating food but just these couple of days I will need to live on the PediaSure and nothing with substance (no fiber!), just liquids. Its so hard to do because my tummy also growls when its hungry.
Then I also get to utilize lots of enemas and suppositories.! Oh boy! Sounds pleasant huh? That's just how much I love life and will go through all of this just because of the man I love and of course all the loving people around me. It really does make me feel good when I see that I touch others lives the way that I do. Those are the important things to me in life, it how we make each other feel and the impact we can make on each others lives.
Later that night, I watched Barack Obama's acceptance speech as I lay in a great deal of pain. I watched the entire speech with so much hope in my heart that the pain seemed to dissipate slowly. I cried at times in tears of hope and inspiration. This young man actually made me look forward to the future of our Country as we all work together to make improvements on all that has failed with 8 years of an Administration based on corrupt lies and no respect for the laws that govern our country. I pray that many Americans are smart enough to vote for what is obviously right for our Country. To read more, check out my blog Peaceful Liberal.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
My husband and I awoke early enough (9am) this Sunday morning and decided to go the Santa Clara Fairgrounds "Home and Garden Show". I was a little bit doubled up in pain, but the pain was treatable. Prior to going to the show, I had to smoke out my pipe prior to walking in because of the pain. I just wanted to feel normal and is that wrong? I just wanted to pain free enough to have a quality of life and to enjoy the world around me.
We brought Miss Blue Belle with us to the show as she worked with her vest on. She was a working girl and did she show it! She was a show stopper as many had to get a glimpse of this pretty working girl. Many would just stop to ask about her and why we needed therapy. I was open enough to tell anyone that had asked me about her; and with such enthusiasm that yes, I am fighting and I have people around me who love me and are praying for me. Most were shocked to see me who appeared healthy but was actually very, very sick. I am still very strong most certainly with my husband by my side.
As we were making the rounds inside the exhibit hall, I was speaking with a distributor of those Ionic Foot Baths. Some people sitting in chairs trying out the foot baths and as I shared my experience with the foot baths. Blue Belle jerked me midways in the conversation. Out of the corner of my eye as her jerked her back to my side, I saw a frail old woman being pushed in a wheel chair as she is reaching desperately for Miss Blue Belle just as she was pulled to my side. I immediately stopped the conversation in order to let Blue Belle do her work.
I leaned down quietly as Blue Belle gently allowed the frail elderly woman in the wheel chair (also on oxygen), happily pet and love on Blue Belles soft warm fur. She had a smile on her face that extended cheek to cheek with all teeth showing. She was in heaven for those few minutes. Blue Belle just sat patiently and licked her arms without jumping up to lick her face as she has been doing a little less lately, but it has stopped her in her tracks from getting certified to visit hospitals and patients. She can legally be by my side as my own personal Therapy Dog, but not for someone else because of her habit of jumping up. My husband then looked over just as other spectators smiled at us for what we were doing for this little old lady. I felt in my heart that I would treasure those little moments just to make another person smile or feel happy. My husband then gave me that special look he gives me every so often that makes me love him even more! That look just warms my heart no matter what or how I feel!
Friday, August 22, 2008
I have been loosing a few pounds here and there but haven't yet broken the 130lb mark just yet. I am big boned and I look best at around 140 - 145lb (look healthier). I can't for the life of me really eat anything with out feeling lots of pain and suffering afterwards. Nothing tastes good and the only taste of food that I am craving at the moment is popcorn which is a definite NO NO for me. How I love popcorn and how it doesn't love me or my intestines!
What Does My Poo out of Feet mean today?
Just take a look at the poo that came out of my feet today from my foot detox. Now keep in mind that my bowels are quite blocked and quite painfully at that, but I did feel some relief after this particular treatment.
There is a lot of foam and kind of a metallic turquoise color that just floats over the top. (I took this photo with my phone since I forgot to bring my camera.)
So this time it looked like Bile function and then Liver which is good to detox for me at this time. It's only been 2 days since my last Detox treatment. Miss Blue Belle got to sit on top in the Captain's chair which I promise to photograph next Tuesday (Aug. 26th).
I still remained blocked the rest of the day and when I returned home after the treatment, I got a message from my doctor on the results for my X-ray (taken on Wednesday, Aug. 20th) which had a significant amount of Fecal in both the lower intestine and the upper. My doctor feels that I need a serious Roto Rooter treatment for me! I need to double up on enemas and Phosphate sodas (yuck!)=rotorooter.
Still more poopie problems for me,! I hope you feel better about being able to take a nice dump today! The severe pain that I feel in my abdomen almost seems like what ever is in there is being stagnant like the chemo that makes me feel like I am digesting a stomach full of razer blades.
Miss Blue Belle was a such good girl again today and then we went to visit my friend in San Bruno (the one who cleaned my house on Wednesday) to let Blue meet her new kittens. These cute kittens didn't really know what to think of Miss Blue Belle. She looked so scary at first and each little kitten had a little mohawk equipped on each of their backs. They started out on the top bunk, then moved to the lower bunk watching Miss Blue Belle intently. Then they moved to the floor watching her every move. She hid
Here they are checking out Miss Blue Belle who was extremely respectful to the babies knowing it was their house and she didn't want to stress them out so she walked out of the room when she heard one hiss at her. The babies would climb up and then climb down a level on my friend's son's bunk beds. It was first time for both of them to ever meet a big scary doggie.
Since Blue Belle has her reputation with cats, we felt if there was one dog we could introduce to those kittens, it would have to be Miss Blue Belle. She give them the biggest chance of gaining confidence and not being so frightened of a dog!
When I got home this evening, I got another phone call from a stressed Florists who had tried desperately to deliver flowers to me just yesterday on the complete other side of town. The Street name and the address and unit number were transcribed wrongly so another attempt to deliver today. Within a few minutes I had this beautiful bouquet and an adorable teddy bear with a very sweet card from the entire department at my job! If that doesn't make me feel better, I don't know what will. Every little bit of good kharma makes me fight all the more for my loved ones!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
For right now, I can't take any pills for pain and that's OK with me. At this point he said it in so many words, (I like to read between the lines) But if I really need some comfort from the pain, I can do some meditation after I get the strongest weed I can get and to utilize for for pain relief because right NOW that is the only option I have at this point. It's working for me for now and for me, living in the NOW is the only way for me to live. After doing so, I like to just laugh at myself because it is so much fun to do once I am pain free.
I had a very good friend of mine stop by to help me clean my house yesterday just a little bit and she also had her kids take out my trash and brush my kitties. I was overjoyed!
I couldn't find any recent photos of both my kitties (I would take one but they are both preoccupied by their naps - one behind the couch= Toonces and the other watching birds and squirrels while making funny noises at them=Tonto), but just managed to find this one of Blue Belle and Tonto getting a bath together which I have to do from time to time. It's pretty cute. Tonto doesn't look very happy here (he was later on that he was a clean handsome kitty), but he is a very vocal kitty but the cool thing is, he really doesn't struggle at all and he even manages to gently allow me to clip his nails each time.
I gave both of her sons a lesson on how to clip the nails of the cats from my previous experience in working in a vet's office. I showed them with Old Toonces. Those were the good old days, but it was only a $6 an hour job which was all I needed for the NOW back THEN.
My friend then dropped me and Blue Belle off at my friend's spa where I did another Poo out of my feet. It was first a question of what to do with Blue Belle because she really wanted to join me up in the Pilot's Chair or so it seemed. My friend gave me a medium sized pillow for my lap while Miss Blue Belle sat most comfortably in my lap as the water in the tub changed colors.
Its always so fascinating to see the mystery colors in the little tub. This time the water had lots of foam which indicates Lymph Nodes and then it was kind of Greenish which indicates Bile and then it turned a sort of Turquoise colored with specks of metal. That's pretty trippy, but that suggests Kidney Function. I will take a picture of the sign next time so you can see for your self. This particular Detox session certainly helped significantly in the pressure that I felt in my abdomen. It relieved some pain; just a little bit. The headaches I was suffering from are now gone. The head aches returned 4-5 days after my other foot detox (Wednesday, Aug. 13th)
After the Detox, me and Blue Belle walked two blocks back home and then we went to the hospital for my X-Ray. She wore her red vest and when ever she wears her vest, she is working and that she did. She stayed right by my side even in the waiting room, I gave her a carrot which kept her busy for the entire 45 minutes that we waited. After my name was called, I had to undress into a gown then into the room for my X-ray. I told Blue Belle to stay right there by the door and she did. When we were done with the X-ray, I got dressed in the tiny dressing room and then we were on our way to the Lab for some Blood tests and then I also needed to do a fecal (wow just like Blue Belle and the kitties!) since my Oncologist was so concerned about internal Bleeding.
See I have lost lots of dignity while having to fight this dreadful disease, so much so that I have no shame and would rather others feel thankful for what they already have. Quit complaining about the silly stupid things in life and be happy for what you have; somebody out there has less and they are content. I don't like the feeling of jealousy and of wishing you were someone else. There is a purpose for why we are who we are.
My Pain Relief
Imagine if John McCain were President. If it were up to him, I would be arrested and put in jail and perhaps my Oncologist too who has saved countless lives or prolonged lives because of his knowledge and skills. There just is no sense as to why the Federal Government claims there is no medical evidence that this miracle plant really helps to relieve pain with out severe side effects such as constipation, or abdominal cramping. In other words, its whats keeping me out of the hospital.
I can still have a quality of life and am able to eliminate the pain and suffering even if it is only temporary; believe me those moments can be lasting. I don't see the harm in it at all; as I am not harming anyone while I am in my home relieving myself of extreme pain. I don't deserve to suffer in pain as the Federal Government and not my State Government, but the Federal suggests that I do. I just love life and I plan to live it despite. What works for me, works.
I still feel strong physically and was able to swim a few laps in a pool last night just prior to smoking a small bowl from my water pipe. I can relax, relieve the pain and keep on living!
And even more good news!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
I could actually feel and even hear the sounds of my insides which seemed to explode on my left side. I felt this air bubble grow larger and larger inside me, then some loud pipe sounding noises and then all of sudden a small explosion inside my body. It sounded like some dynamite went off inside me. I cried in pain and it really scared my husband just to hear all that noise coming from inside my body and then seeing me doubled up in pain. I continued to double up as the churning continued. Blue Belle just stayed right below me not sure of what she could do. She had a very puzzling look on her face but she could tell something was indeed wrong with me.
My husband and I both argued over my extreme hard hard-headedness that I should have tried to call the doctor while I was off for the day. It wasn't hurting so bad at first, I guess I just expected my system to get better and improve (call that my optimism). I think pretty positively.
Well today will be different than last night, I did call my oncologist and left a message for him and here I sit waiting to find out what can be done. Thankfully I am able to utilize cannabis legally in the state of California for the extreme pain I suffer with the help of my beloved vaporizer and it really does work to ease the pain because I have nothing else to utilize for pain. I can't take any Ibuprofen because it could possibly cause more harm than good since I am not eating and then take a pill (Ibuprophen) and I don't have any other medication for pain at all.
Here's to something that can be done and I can continue to heal! Perhaps I need a surgery and now would be a good time since I am off for 2 months to heal. This is just what I am thinking just prior to talking with my doctor. I am still very optimistic despite this onset of pain and I still manage to laugh at certain aspects of my life like the poo factor. It sure would be a blessing if I could only go poo somewhat normally. Ahh the simpler things in life!
WARNING: Just a small warning that my posts may not be as often as I would like to be. If several days pass-) It could just be that I'm in the hospital recovering as there is no internet connection. If after a week, then it might be obvious that I am recovering from a much needed abdominal surgery. It could be time for me to have one as it has been over 4 years since my last one. (4/2/04)
Sunday, August 17, 2008
I still manage to smile despite the pain that I feel everyday. It's been getting progressively worse especially since the chemo has started. I have been feeling pretty sick (nauseated) and in a great deal of pain all day today and am now realizing just how lucky I am to have started my Medical Leave. There is no way I could function at work in this amount of pain.
I finished the completed paperwork on Friday just prior to getting ready for the A's Game.
This Medical / Disability Leave that I am taking is well deserving and it does ease the stress part of dealing with this. I spoke with Mom today and she at first was extremely concerned that I was going on welfare. All my life, my mother has been too proud to accept any hand outs from the Government. She would rather work hard and perhaps work herself to death than to accept any of it. She is very, very proud woman and despite living in poverty, she still manages to be hardheaded just like me, except this time, I took exceptance. She lives in South Carolina where there are a lot of people on Welfare and / or disability. Some are on Disability for just being over weight, having headaches, having children, or psychiatric problems. To her, this acceptance of government funds is a sign on laziness and or weakness. I for one, have been anything but weak going through this.
I had to explain to her that I really do deserve this time off and I am not a person who is faking my illness and going onto disability for being lazy. In fact I'm not that lazy at all, despite my house being a little unkempt, I do work hard at my job and give it my 110% and more if I can. I love my job and I love all the people that I work with. I sometime work myself too hard because I try so hard to please.
There are a lot of people that do go on disability for all the wrong reasons, but there are also a lot that we never ever hear about that are on disability and rightfully so, such as soldiers who are wounded in battle, or other cancer patients in my situation. I am not one of those who is going on Disability for a wrong reason by far. I plan to take just 2 months off while I am going on this chemotherapy regimen. I paid into the system many times over and since I am on Chemotherapy and heavy duty at that, I am taking advantage of what I have already worked hard and paid into.
My husband and I just watched the Bucket List with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman last night and it really got me thinking and thinking about this Bucket list; that it might be a good idea to do. It was all too familiar and I too often wonder how much time I have. I don't necessarily want to know and they said in the movie that around 94% in a survey said they they don't want to know how much time they have while Morgan Freeman's character kind of wanted to know. I hate to say it, but I have an idea about my time and its not that good; I hope I am wrong, but it doesn't seem to me that I will live long enough to make it to my 40's. That's just because of how my system has been feeling over the months.
My insides feel as if they are rotting and have been slashed with razer blades and then infected. It's so incredibly painful to be quite honest and I would never wish this pain on anyone except our President or Dick Cheney because of what they have done to our country. I feel these evil individuals deserve to suffer; maybe it would make them less selfish and then in turn they would lead our country for us and not for their personal interests. Sometimes I will close my eyes and imagine them feeling the pain that I am suffering and it just makes me feel a little better. I know that might sound bad, but it works sometimes.
If I do survive into my 40's or even longer, it will be a blessing as each new day is.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
We were afraid I might have been too sick to go and I really feel that taking that chemo pill at night made the big difference. Rather than waking up and then taking the pill, I take it before bed so that I can sleep through some of the side effects. I still get the Metal taste in my mouth at times and some nausea but nothing a little medicinal cannabis can't handle. The cannabis certainly works in multiple ways.
A. It get rids of the nausea and
B. It gives me really bad cotton mouth and in turn I'm thirst and the metal taste in my mouth is gone
C. I can finally drink some water which is such a good thing!
I didn't have any at the game but I did vaporize prior to leaving. I know I must mention all of this but it works for me each and every time that I need it.
We got to the game just after 5:30pm in Oakland, CA. The traffic was a little like the Slingshot traffic which happens occasionally and it even reminded me and must husband of why we would never move to Oakland or the East Bay. We had a blast needless to say and Oakland even beat the Chicago White Socks toward the 9th inning. What an exciting game!
To See more Photos, please check out my post in Blue Merle Sheltie Blog.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
I came home and slept another 10 hours before coming to work this morning. So far I'm feeling good! I still have my hair and I'm not feeling sick just yet. I hope to feel good on Friday for the A's Dog Days of Summer!
Here is a little video of Blue Belle enjoying her favorite baseball team, the Oakland A's! She is pretty smart and has been so excited and happy this week. She is either excited about the game on Friday, or she is excited that mommie will be home for 2 months on Medical Leave. Not sure which one yet! I know she loves to watch baseball and she loves her Oakland A's!
When I got home from work, I found this on my front door step which was from a caring good hearted co-worker. This is the kind of good Kharma that I live for.
Monday, August 11, 2008
What also made my day good was that perhaps many people today were thinking of me when they were doing number 2 because I must have gone a dozen or so times today. It always feels weird when I tell others of my problems with going to the bathroom and that they should consider their day a complete blessing (& I hope you are too if you are reading this:) if they are able to do a number 2 that day. I sometimes tell them that when they are able to next time, to make a wish for me that I am able to go too! Well I was just happy to be able to go and that made for a good day. But it could be the Pootie cookies that I just made.
I also just took my first Etoposide pill tonight with a huge 1 and half quart of water. Look at the size of that pill! Just kidding! No its not really that big (but not much smaller than that size), see I am full of shit! What a huge pill to take and I will see how I feel tomorrow if I feel like going to work. I have a few more things at work to complete before I am able to start my Medical Leave which should officially start next Monday. If the chemo knocks me on my ass, then as soon as Wednesday. We will see.
Check out the size of that pill and perhaps you can see some of those side effects from the warning pamphlet. (click on the photograph to see if you can read the side effects, if not here is another version)
NOTE: the chemo treatments that I will be trying out for a while (not sure how long, but I will post often) are Etoposide and Avastin. I will be taking 1 50mg Capsule of the Etoposide every day for 2 weeks (I have to take it around the same time every day), 1 week off and every 3 weeks a 30 minute drip of Avastin. Tomorrow will be the 2 hour very 1st drip of the Avastin.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
My husband is still bummed but life goes on after chemo and it will for me without a doubt. I plan to document everything for this round of chemo. I plan to start the pill (Etoposide) tomorrow morning and will go to work for maybe half the day. I will take some time off since this round of chemo will be quite tough. There are lots of side effects and having the time off will allow me an opportunity to get enough rest and avoiding stress.
My experience in Pooping out of my feet!
This morning, I took my neighbor and friend Sharon in for a foot detox or ionic Foot Detox. I've done this a few times going to my hairdresser and spa and it's amazing; the feeling afterwards is amazing too! My skin will clear up, I will have that nice skinny feeling, I will do a nice dumper, (hey anything to go poo!).
That's just the reality of this cancer and this nice woman is giving me 1 detox a week or as many as we can schedule in. The Foot Detox or It's kind of like the foot pads that perhaps you may or may not have heard about, but it does deal with the reality that the bottom of your feet actually have over 2000 pores which control many bodily functions. For me, it just makes sense to do so since my bowels are getting obstructed so easily all the time.
This photo shows just 5 minutes of soaking and the yellowish brown color is from chlorine and salt is used to combat this problem.
The foam that you see here is resulting from lymph nodes and the dark color could be from my bowels., felt a little light headed but the pain in my abdomen subsided some (a level 5ish).
Wow! I just pooped out of my feet! Neat! Looks like poo! huh? It does feel amazing afterwards. The water didn't look that when I started and that black gooey poo stuff couldn't have come out of that little black box, you think? I know I'm full of shit so there go, evidence of the Ionic Scam! That scam helps clear up my skin, gets rid of painful head aches and we will continue this journey next time!
Thursday, August 7, 2008
My husband and I went to see our Chemo doctor on Wednesday afternoon (I originally got the day wrong- it was Wednesday and not Tuesday). This doctor actually had a wonderful bedside manner which can be quite rare when it comes to hope and surviving with this disease. Many doctors can be negative, and I have come home crying so many times from this. This doctor just felt that this combination of chemo would slow down the growth and cause some tumor to shrink and then I can go another break and then start some more chemo.
It was apparent looking at my CAT scan that I probably wouldn't survive another 4 - 6 months without having more chemo. The doctor didn't actually say this; it was just that obvious. It just seemed like there was just so much cancer in my body!
The Cancer is now growing out of control inside my body with over 12 tumors alone in my right lung and a few in my left lung too. I also have several more tumors in my abdominal wall but yet I am still fighting this and staying strong. I do suffer in pain each day just trying to eat and digest food which doesn't come very easily. My intestines are always making loud embarrassing noises which are another key indicator that my system isn't working right.
I have had a good 14 months off the chemo and its about time to start back. My husband and I have been dreading this for some time now to start the heavy duty stuff which usually adds the insult to injury side effects. It was a dreary feeling having to face this but I still have a good feeling about it and I will continue my fight because I love life that much. I especially love my life with my husband and all of my loving friends and family. Loving people in my life really make a difference.
My husband held my hand the whole ride home and he tried his best to be very strong for me. When we finally got home, I napped while he went to his local pub to talk to friends and to get a drink. He needed a drink and to release some pressure over his worries about his wife's life.
When I finally awoke, I started cleaning and I even filled an order . I then rode my bike 2 miles to the post office to drop off that order. I needed the exercise and I feel that if I keep my body in motion it just might stay there.
I can't sit there and pretend that it doesn't bother me that I will get very sick from the upcoming chemo, becoming this bald and ugly to look at woman; however my husband has agreed that no matter what, he is with me through this fight. He still feels that I am the most beautiful woman ever.
When he got back from the pub just a few hours later, he had just little bit of a buzz. I felt he needed to take the edge off a little so I wasn't at all mad at him. He walked over to me and hugged me and then all of a sudden, tears were dripping off his face. He never cries, but it was obvious he was very worried about me. I have to admit that it breaks my heart to see him cry because he never does. He is such a strong man with the most integrity of anyone I know, so yes it breaks my heart to see him cry. I know in my heart that his heart if full of love for me and that's what I adore about him. I love his sensitivity and most of all his love for me. It's really a beautiful thing and I just wanted to hug him so bad and to make things all better.
I held him in my arms and we cried together. I told him, "we can beat this together again! I will look cute in all those wigs and we can pull those out again. I can match them with my outfits and even the head wraps. It will be OK, we are strong together and it will be OK. This chemo will work and then perhaps there will be a cure soon."
We confessed the usual love for each other and we cried in each other's arms together telling each other how much we love each other that we can be strong together. Its good to cry and to release that fear every once in a while.
How I love my life with my soul mate despite the disease I am suffering, it could be much worse. In life, we are all given and although some things may not always seem fair, life always seems to go on despite.
I treasure the gift of life everyday especially waking up next to the man I love more than my heart and soul. Having that kind of love is priceless and I cherish him always.
Monday, August 4, 2008
OK, well now back to the Objectionable Content. This weekend my husband and I had a wonderful weekend except for the pain that I suffer from quite often when attempting to digest just a little bit of food and water. Its been difficult both ways and not at all easy.
The highlight of my weekend? I made the most amazing pot cookies ever! I found this excellent blog that has these high fiber cookies, so I alternated the recipe just a little bit to include mixing the keef (crystals from cannabis buds which gather at the bottom of a really good grinder) with the flour. I decided to call these cookies "Pootkies" for more than obvious reason. These are cookies that make go poo and the author of this blog would name her cookies "Pookies" since they have such high fiber and the end result is obvious.
Now this is her exact recipe which is what I made here but I added the keef with the flour mixture. You have to mix the keef really good with the flour to make them more effective. I utilized about 6 tablespoons of keef and they weren't terribly strong. It was more for pain relief and easier digestion.
Pooties Recipe (Psillium Husk Cookies with the addition of keef)
8 Tbsp seed or nut butter (almond, peanut, walnut, sunflower, tahini...)*
1 Tbsp olive oil
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp cinnamon
pinch sea salt
8 Tbsp sweetener (maple syrup, molasses, rice syrup...)*
1 cup whole grain flour (spelt, kamut, chick pea, rice, keef or use of mixture of these including the keef)*
1/2 cup oatmeal
1/4 cup whole psyllium husks
1 Tbsp flax seeds
Preheat oven to 325°F and spray a cookie sheet with oil. In a food processor or large bowl, mix together the nut butter, oil, vanilla, cinnamon, salt and sweetener. Mix in the egg. Stir in flour, oatmeal, psyllium and flax seeds, and mix just enough to distribute them evenly throughout the mixture. You should end up with a stiff batter.
Make little balls of dough and press each cookie flat, to about 1cm high, with a fork. Bake for 10 minutes. Cool and store in an air-tight container. I recommend you have a glass of water with each cookie, since the psyllium absorbs lots of water and will expand in the belly, which is how it adds bulk to your system. Otherwise it could leach moisture from your intestines!
The addition of the keef just gave me extra pain relief from my intestines and I was able to sleep well. As I awoke the next day, I become more irritated at our Federal Government wasting tax dollars on trying to irradicate a plant that grows so easily and could quite possibly help our country get back on its feet as a cash crop which doesn't destroy the soil nearly as much as corn does. It could also help plenty of farmers and countless others to make a healthy living. Not having to scrape by as so many of us are often doing. (Don't get me started) - No Stress for me, so I'm over it!
Now the rest of my wonderful weekend!
I continue on. I had a friend on Saturday, treat me to some pampering. It was the first time in two years that I have gotten a pedicure. My feet were in such dire need of one that my open toe shoes have been hidden away for fear of someone seeing my unsightly feet! She treated me to a Manicure, Pedicure with cute flowers on toes and a little jewel on my big toes and a pretty flower on each of my ring fingers. I also got the pariphrem? wax on my hands and feet, a little massage and wow was that wonderful.
My husband and I had planned to go see the Scorpions that night, but instead we brought the portable radio over to the pool, faced it in the sun so that the solar power would work to broadcast the show at the pool while we swam our laps. We weazled on the show but still got to spend some quality time together, watch a funny movie, and to relax.
On Sunday, I watered my plants early and made some worm tea for some of my friends and some for my Basil and my Dwarf Key Lime Tree which really needed some.
My husband has a really good friend (I made some for him too) who claims that he never throws anything away; everything is recyclable and he never buys anything prepackaged that could potentially go directly into the trash. (as green as it gets). He came over to pick up some worm tea and to inspect my worm project . He had remembered how sickly my Key Lime tree was and then now it has so many flowers buds all over. He seemed to like my sense of composting in that our trash factor has really decreased since starting the composting. Most paper like toilet paper, cardboard, newspaper, hair, dust, lint, dryer sheets,; all compostable.
After our green friend's visit, we immediately left for Santa Cruz for a magical day at a dog show for which I will add more detail on that show on my other Blog "Blue Merle Sheltie" (bluemerlesheltie.blogspot.com) for which I am seriously over due on adding content too. I will try a little harder I promise! Hope you enjoyed my Objectionable Content as much as I did!
Saturday, August 2, 2008
It has gotten to the point that I have to face reality and that is not being able to digest regular food. Its now time for me to just stick with basics and consume yucky baby food. The cool thing is, I have so many good friends that are my family. I have one neighbor who is an excellent cook willing to bring me puree fresh food daily if required to do so, I also have another good friend who is the most amazing photographer I have ever met. The point is, I have so many great friends who are ready to do what ever it takes just to help me or just to be there for support. I love that I touch lives like that.
To get back to my next journey, I plan to meet with a Chemo doctor on Wednesday with my husband at my side holding my hand as we talk about the unknown. My oncologist seems to think that the drug Etoposide or VP-16. There are lots of possible side effects to this drug and almost assuredly my hair will fall out. I decided that I will document the whole experience and will update on my appointment on Wednesday and what we will decide. I have to do something soon since the tumors are still growing. There are about 3 tumors in my peritoneal cavity and pushing against my intestines. I have another tumor growing inside my right lung. It's scary that it has come to this being 14 months of no chemo. It was nice to have the break but another journey will start.
Not to worry, I will continue to live on. My husband and I are planning to see the Scorpions tonight and I've just been invited to get a pedicure in a few hours. Life goes on and I plan to celebrate it despite the pain I'm in.
For me, the miracle of cannabis does just that and it provides me with pain relief without constipation, no bad tastes in my mouth, and it forces me to drink more water.
I love life and expect to live for as long as I can. I intend to use those treatments that do work for me which includes medicinal cannabis. I'm still alive with this disease over 7 years later because of this miracle plant and as long as I have my medicine available; I intend to survive many more years. I hope one day the Federal Government will eventually grow up and be led by true leaders who represent the people and not just coorporations; real people who live by the Golden Rule "treat others how you would want to be treated". I also hope the Government of the US can finally learn to admit that it has made a mortal mistake in making this life saving plant which is provided by GOD and does indeed have the ability to provide all of us with food, fuel, clothing, shelter, and medicine; a mistake that have made is that it is illegal. Yes, it was a mistake out of greed, ignorance, and racism that this miracle plant is illegal. This is a confirmed fact and we should all know and face it.
Cannabis is not at all harmful and in fact quite the opposite. Perhaps our economy can once again grow as it has in the turn of the century by making this life saving plant legal once again.
The contents of this blog including all images, (except images from third parties) and the name "Shopping Kharma - what comes around goes around" belong and copyrighted to C. Jayne Armstrong 2008-2010
© 2010 All Rights Reserved